How do you help a young child understand special needs kids?

[rbk mama]

I have a 6yo DD who has been complaining about another child in her class.  She says this child doesn't listen to the teacher, is too loud, messes everything up for others, etc.  When I met this child I realized that she has some developmental delays and other issues.  I had suspected that was the case based on some of the things DD had told me.  Anyway, after I met her, DD asked me, "See Mommy?  Isn't she bad?  She was jumping on the chairs when she was told not to.  And she always does things like that."   I was trying to explain to her that this little girl was born with some things that made it difficult for her to do everything the rest of the class can do.  I stumbled around a lot, trying to explain brain differences and whatnot.  Then I had the brilliant idea of asking parents on this board. 

 

What do you think is the best way to explain to a young child why some children have more trouble than others?  I could tell by being around this child and her mother, that her mother is very attentive and sensitive to her child.  I had the sense she must have come a long way to be able to handle what she is.  I had sat in on another class, and this child did very well overall - just needed a bit of reminders about some things.  She's not out of control or super disruptive - just different.

[Lecka]

I would contact the teacher, bc the teacher could also read a book or something to the class. Probably your daughter is not the only one in the class. She might have some suggestion, or think you are doing fine with what you are saying.

 

Then I think it takes repetition and 6 is a rule-following age. You may need to keep saying the same things you are saying as it comes up.

 

There is also a real chance that your daughter is acting nicely at school but still has questions she asks at home.

 

But I think it is something where it can take a lot of discussion bc it is a hard concept in some ways.

 

Locally -- some kids age 6 have parents who are doing things to work with their kids but "no label." It is still a very young age and things can be fluid. Other kids may have parents who do use a label and like to use a label to explain.

 

I think I would not use any label unless the teacher says it okay.

 

For me I am fine with saying autism and it can be used at school too. They have an autism awareness month and the teachers talk about autism after lunch one day. I am fine with my son's name being mentioned to other kids in his grade.

 

But some parents don't do labels or the child has a really vague kind of label, etc, so there may be no labels.

 

I had a lot of conversations with my daughter when she was 6, though, and I do think it is the age. She also wanted to bring up a lot of "following the rules" kinds of things.

 

So I think it sounds fine she is asking and that you are answering her in a nice way, it is just not necessarily a one-time explanation kind of thing.

[Guest]

I started pointing out more mundane brain differences.

 

I prefer chocolate ice cream and you prefer vanilla because our brains interpret the tastes differently.

 

You wake up earlier than your brother because your brain tells you to get up and his doesn't.

 

I don't worry about you running into the street because your brain has learned that dangerous, but the baby's bring doesn't know that yet.

 

And then talking about how some people have bigger brain differences than others, and sometimes those differences make life harder for those people.

 

Whenever *your* brain knows what you need to do...Like stay in your seat....You must do it. But we have to have a lot of forgiveness ready for anyone whose brain doesn't know what our brains know yet. We don't get mad at babies for not keeping themselves out of the street, and we don't call kids whose brains don't know to (or how to) sit still yet "bad."

[Guest]

Yes, it's ongoing.

[Heathermomster]

These issues are organic. A couple of boys we knew were from busted, disrupted homes. DS can conceal his SLDs. When other students did not do so well and he mentioned things at home, I stressed compassion. These kids may become outcasts among their peers. In that case, I stressed compassion and engagement.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Heathermomster

[PeterPan]

Hmm, my ds doesn't understand disabilities himself. I really don't know if it would be common at that age. My ds did finally develop some cognizance, with enough social teaching, that he was noticing other kids' behaviors and that they violated things he was being taught. Honestly, we just talked about the rule (or social skill) and said that they were working on teaching the dc that, that it was the teacher's job to handle it.

 

If the dc is that disruptive in the class that it's coming up, I'd flat talk to the teacher. The parent might be resisting the IEP process, and maybe the teacher needs that feedback to argue for more intervention or supports. 

 

While I want the courtesy of people minding their own business when it comes to my kid's behaviors, reality is he doesn't have the right to be in a class and have behaviors without having supports stepped up. Your dc has the right to be in the class and be in peace and to access her own education. The other student's behaviors are affecting her ability to access her education, so you should say something. They might be able to step up supports or do something to make sure your dd is more comfortable. 

[PeterPan]

And see here's my problem, and I really don't know how people on the outside think of this. I know people in our swim classes when we're out have tried to explain to their littles why ds was behaving a certain way. Personally, I find it offensive to say oh your dc's brain works a different way. Actually, he has more grey matter, more closely-spaced mini-columns, and is hyper-responsive on some things. But it's the same brain, just MORE. Not different, but more. 

 

I guess I really don't like to emphasize differences, because kids pick on differences. We're the same. We all want friends, we all want to be interacted with. Some people just have a harder time getting there. So I tell those parents, when it comes up, the way I want him thought of. Like I'll say "He has a hard time responding, but if you keep at it he eventually will." That kind of thing. 

 

So what you might say is "It sounds like she has a hard time following the rules. I'm sure the teacher is working on it and bringing in supports. I'm glad you had a good response and were patient. Have you tried playing with her on the playground? How does that go?" And I would continue that discussion on how to be friends, how to be patient, how to ask for help if she feels overwhelmed or bothered. I would definitely emphasize that she CAN ask for help if she feels bothered by what is going on.

 

[Guest]

more v less are differences Elizabeth.

 

In my house I had to have these conversations young because he could see it with his brother. There's no pussyfooting around the fact that their minds work differently.

 

For that matter, my brain is different from DH's brain. For better, worse and neutral. And it's very obvious. Accepting the differences out loud is key to living honestly in our home.

[Lecka]

I think there are definitely differences, and then things in common.

 

I think finding things in common can be helpful. My son had a thing in Kindergarten where he was student of the week, and brought in pictures of his family, and could tell some special things.

 

Then they had question and answer, and at this time he did not talk much at all at school, but he did answer a few questions.

 

One of the questions was "what is your favorite dinosaur?" And he answered "pterodactyl."

 

They told me that a lot of kids in his class really liked that, and it shares some more about him that they might have in common or really relate to.

 

Then this is separate -- but my daughter in 1st grade was also very intolerant (when talking to me) about some "bad" boys in her class and how dare they do this and that.

 

Well I hardly think it is acceptable to call little children bad and especially for crimes such as touching her desk "on purpose." And everything was "on purpose" nobody ever had an accident or was to be given the benefit of the doubt for anything.

 

So we just had a lot of conversations. She needs to know how to handle things and why one thing is one way and another thing is another way.

 

She does not know, and there is a lot of room to have grace for other people but also stand up for yourself as needed.

 

For us with an autism sibling, she would say things about "bad boys" like "but he doesn't even have autism." If a girl did something she thought was immature she would say "she is in 1st grade and she should know better." And then in that conversation she might say "but she doesn't have autism" like she just has no excuse.

 

She even said this (later at home) about a younger girl at church who cried for her mom.... she just was not seeing it. Or she wanted to talk about it with me at least and play devil's advocate to see what I would say.

 

It is an age with a lot of noticing things and a lot of wanting things to be fair.

 

We have also had a lot of conversations about "it's not fair" when the answer comes down to "yes your brother is doing something different." Sometimes this is older brother and the reason is that he is older.

 

But a lot of times it is something with autism.

 

And then I need to think about if I am being as fair as I can be, or if I am letting my son have a lower standard than what he really could have.

 

So sometimes I have made adjustments to what I expect when the complaint is that something is not fair and one child is not following the same rules as the other children.

 

It is a lot to talk about. There are a lot of values involved.

 

And then if there is special consideration for one child not following a rule bc autism, then I get asked a lot of questions about "what about when this other child doesn't follow rules and doesn't have autism?" Will I ever say "now there is a bad child?"

 

So I think I was talking about this stuff all through 1st grade and my daughter expressed some very hateful opinions but she seems to have worked I think out in her mind for this year bc this year she is not asking anything. But she will probably ask more things later.

[Lecka]

My older son on the other hand asks more questions like "is this because of autism?" Like -- if my son does something, is it bc he is just him, bc of his age, bc of this or that, or is it bc autism? He would like to know more and more about autism. (Some things are just him and also are related to autism characteristics in some way.)

 

He has more questions about "why does he have autism?"

 

He has a lot more questions about the future and about how some things may turn out.

 

While for my daughter -- she does know more, but she is mostly concerned about whether things are bad or just different (and some things are just different, other things are not acceptable behavior, etc, lots of variations here).

 

We make a difference between things that are different but not disruptive in any way, just different.

 

Then other things may be unacceptable but very typical.

 

Then other things may be both different and also not acceptable.

 

So we have talked a lot about things that are different but that are not bad.

 

Or things that might be okay at the park but not at the library.

 

Or at home but not at the grocery store.

 

I don't remember this with my older son but my younger kids were just toddlers when he was 6 and he has never told me nearly as much about school as my daughter.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Lecka

[Insertcreativenamehere]

We have a son with Down syndrome who, due to very serious medical issues his first three years, is also more developmentally delayed than most kids with his condition. One book that has been really helpful for us is The Boy Who Was Just Himself. Our older kids were 7, 5 and 2 when he was born and this was a really good book to help them understand that their brother is different but comes with his own unique gifts and abilities. 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Prince-Just-Himself-Noah-Book/dp/0874866820/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486840327&sr=8-1&keywords=prince+noah

Edited February 11, 2017 by insertcreativenamehere

[kbutton]

So what you might say is "It sounds like she has a hard time following the rules. I'm sure the teacher is working on it and bringing in supports. I'm glad you had a good response and were patient. Have you tried playing with her on the playground? How does that go?" And I would continue that discussion on how to be friends, how to be patient, how to ask for help if she feels overwhelmed or bothered. I would definitely emphasize that she CAN ask for help if she feels bothered by what is going on.

 

As a kid, I would've appreciated this, especially since when I was a kid, these kids were held to mostly the same standards (or were not present at all in the class), and then they got in trouble a lot.

 

I was also frequently expected to be patient with differences without anyone telling me what it should look like to include those kids (if it were easy to do, it would have been happening), and the kids I knew who would now undoubtedly have some kind of label were stressful to be around behaviorally. I was also around a fair number of badly behaved NT kids, and they got in trouble a lot too. It was overall very confusing.

 

My own kids think in differences because they have differences of their own. They aren't offended by differences or being described as being different when we talk, though they certainly do their best to just fit in. It depends on the setting though (among safe people/friends vs. random people). Both of my kids are very self-aware (though my son with ASD often has double-standards that he's totally blind to, lol!) 

[PeterPan]

Yes, I think people like to decide how/when they are defined and don't like having it done for them. It's one thing for a dc to say of himself he's different, and another thing for another person to.

[Plink]

As the mom of a SN child, this conversation is common.  We use the phrase "everyone has their own struggle" a lot.  

 

A conversation with a six year old would go something like:

 

Remember how hard it is for you to tie your shoes/eat broccoli/write neatly/whatever?  That is your struggle.  You don't want to do poorly, but it is just hard for you.  That child seems like their struggle could be with responding to other people appropriately. They don't mean to be disruptive.  Can you imagine how hard it must be?  

 

For older kids we dig a bit deeper:

 

It is hard to not get annoyed, and that is fair to feel.  Do you think you should talk to your friends about that feeling?  ... No, that's gossip.  It is safe to talk to mom or your teacher though.

 

You wouldn't want people to judge you for your struggle, so let's try to give your classmate the benefit of the doubt.  What could you do to help her?

[Guest]

Yes, I think people like to decide how/when they are defined and don't like having it done for them. It's one thing for a dc to say of himself he's different, and another thing for another person to.

 

Literally everyone is different. I don't see the sense in acting like people are all the same. The OP's dd has already noticed  that this kid behaves differently.

 

I am NOT saying that my approach is THE approach here. But it's not insensitive moral decrepitude to acknowledge that everyone's brains are different and some people/brains are suited more quickly to different environments where perfectly fine OTHER brains/people will struggle.

[rbk mama]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this!  I knew this was the place to ask. :001_smile: 

 

 

We have a son with Down syndrome who, due to very serious medical issues his first three years, is also more developmentally delayed than most kids with his condition. One book that has been really helpful for us is The Boy Who Was Just Himself. Our older kids were 7, 5 and 2 when he was born and this was a really good book to help them understand that their brother is different but comes with his own unique gifts and abilities. 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Prince-Just-Himself-Noah-Book/dp/0874866820/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486840327&sr=8-1&keywords=prince+noah

 

This books looks wonderful!

[mom of 2 boys]

I found a ton of great books about disabilities for children at our local library. I would second the suggestion to contact the teacher about explaining things to the class. In our area, we actually have a developmental center that will come to a child's classroom and put on a puppet show about autism if you request it, so there may be something like that available on the child's behalf. I also second the suggestion to encourage your daughter to ask for help interacting with and understanding this child. 

[Lecka]

Last year for Autism Awareness Week my son got a handmade card from Student Council that said .... I can't remember, something about "you are the best you" and I know it is from a Dr. Suess book, it was very nice, and the Friday was "wear blue" day; but we don't have anything as cool as a puppet show.

 

I read my daughter "Looking After Louis" by Lesley Ely last year, at the specific suggestion of someone, and at the end she was like "I don't agree that he should have a special privilege of playing soccer when it is not recess, he should do the same as the other kids."

 

So I didn't get a magic result, but at least some dialogue lol.

 

She is a lot more empathetic now but I think -- if a book does not get a good response then keep trying, Rome was not built in a day.

 

I did think it was a very sweet book about inclusion though.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Lecka

[Guest]

Here, full inclusion, the teacher explains that everyone learns things at a different speed. People who learn some things quickly may learn other things slowly, and we should all help each other out. They also explain that people aren't clones. There are class procedures for dangerous behavour situations, and there are adult aides for those who need extra help learning,whether its class routines, expressing emotions appropriately, or academics. Students who need quiet can and do wear ear protection as well as have a designated safe, quiet place to retreat to when they recogize sensory overload is beginning.