explaining love languages to kids

[lgliser]

DS (age 10) can be really sensitive. I understand because I feel like I remember being this way when I was that age too, so I'm sure it's not really unusual. 

For example, we have a family friends that we are really close with. We've all been best friends for a long time and the kids are all besties too.  

I love their kids like nieces and nephews and I know they feel the same way about our kids. Their style is a little sarcastic and teasey/jokey with each other and those they love. IMO, when they tease, it's because they are comfortable with you and know and love you.

We don't tease a lot in our family (just not our style) but we've been around this family enough that I was surprised to hear that DS was really bothered by it. He says that he knows they don't like him because they always call him a cheater when they're playing games. DS is really competitive and wins a lot so they joke that he cheats. I can see how that might get old to a kid (or an adult for that matter) but I suppose as an adult you just know that everyone expresses affection or comfortability toward others differently.

So, short of just telling DS that everyone expresses affection differently, do you all have any suggestions? Is there a book or something that I could read to him? I have tried just explaining it but he just can't seem to shake the feelings he has that they don't like him. I tell him that people express love differently. Some people are physical and hug a lot, some people are more vocal, and some are more light hearted and jokey .... 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think I might do something in the middle.  Keep repeating they don't mean it seriously and ask them to go a little easier on him with the joking.  His feelings are valid too. 

[Rosie_0801]

There is a kids version of the 5 Love Languages. I read the relevant chapters to dd a few months back and had her memorise the 7. The guy doesn't know his own theory properly. Music and food are love languages. Seriously, how could anyone forget to mention food? :svengo:

[SparklyUnicorn]

Another idea is to encourage him to speak up.  He can say, "Hey that hurts my feelings when you call me a cheater."  Then maybe they'll explain they are kidding.  And hopefully they will lighten up a bit too. 

[MEmama]

I think I might do something in the middle. Keep repeating they don't mean it seriously and ask them to go a little easier on him with the joking. His feelings are valid too.

I agree. Teasing can do a lot of damage to sensitive people. No amount of you telling him they do it because they love him will take away the hurt.

 

At 44 I still haven't recovered from a childhood of siblings who teased. It really can cut deeply, even when they don't intend it to.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah some people are like this.  My husband is very sensitive.  I am careful to not make too many jokes aimed at him because he doesn't like it.  My older son is very much the same way.

 

The cheating comments are interesting.  Growing up my dad's family said stuff like this all the time.  Except I am pretty sure they were dead serious.  They were all the sorest losers at games.  It was pretty terrible to play games with them.  If you were winning or won...oh good grief they'd go on and on about it. 

[Alexigail]

I don't think teasing is a love language. I grew up in a very sarcastic home and it was not fun.

[Murphy101]

Has he told them he doesn't like it or doesn't think it is funny, does he act hurt by it?

 

If he does that and they continue with it, then they aren't teasing. They're being jerks.

 

I have a rule/code in my household that no joke/prank/teasing is funny unless BOTH parties find it amusing. When only one person finds it amusing, they are being rude and saying "just kidding" or adding more insult by claiming the other person just doesn't have a sense of humor, doesn't make it okay.

 

If he has not expressed in some way that he doesn't feel the same about it, then the onus is on him to inform them.

 

Also, I don't allow bad sportsmanship. When someone wins, it should be gracious. When they lose, they don't get to ruin the win for the other party by crying or claiming cheating. I don't consider that teasing. It's bag form and a bad habit I wouldn't allow. Yes, it's normal for kids, but that doesn't make something I want to accept as okay.

[6packofun]

Why is speaking up so taboo??  It's weird to me.  If they are FRIENDS, they can handle someone requesting that they stop hurting his feelings.

 

There are so many great options for this.

Ds could simply say in a friendly way, "I'm not cheating and I wish you wouldn't tease me about it so much because I'm beginning to think that you really believe that!"

 

Ds could say, "I know you guys are just joking around, but I would never cheat so could you stop teasing me about that?"

 

You're his mom. You can tell the parents to please knock it off and that most of their teasing is fine, but ds feels badly about even jokingly being accused of cheating.

 

With his permission you could plan for the next time they tease about it to ask ds in front of everyone in a faux shocked voice, "Are you cheating?" When he says "No!" you can say, "I didn't think so, but they tease about it so much that I figured I should put their minds at ease, hehe!"  (I wouldn't try to make it too much of a joke in return, though, because that could just fuel the fire. lol)

 

I have no idea what your style is. Pick one. Life is too short to not stand up for yourself--nicely, of course.

 

Also, here is a great verse about this that our family has memorized:

 

Proverbs 26:18-19

Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death
19 is the man who deceives his neighbor
    and says, “I am only joking!â€

 

WORDS MATTER.

[lgliser]

Thanks, guys!

 

I don't think him speaking up is taboo at all. I will encourage him to do so. I did plan on saying something to the parents actually, since  this is not the first time he has brought it up to me :(

 

I totally agree that his feelings matter! I think I'm wrestling with hoping that he can see that people show affection in different ways and telling our friends to tone it down some. He's a great kid but he can be really serious and personally, I think life is more enjoyable if you can be light hearted, KWIM? I mean, he is who he is and I'm not trying to make him someone he's not, and obviously I love him to death, but there's not a person alive that couldn't stand to work on some aspect of their personality! Lighten up, tone themselves down, take things more seriously, joke around more... whatever.

 

I really appreciate the advice and I definitely agree that in this situation, it's clear that they go too far for him and something needs to be said. I will bring it up next time we talk and I'll tell DS that he is totally free and encouraged to say something as well.

[MEmama]

Thanks, guys!

 

I don't think him speaking up is taboo at all. I will encourage him to do so. I did plan on saying something to the parents actually, since this is not the first time he has brought it up to me :(

 

I totally agree that his feelings matter! I think I'm wrestling with hoping that he can see that people show affection in different ways and telling our friends to tone it down some. He's a great kid but he can be really serious and personally, I think life is more enjoyable if you can be light hearted, KWIM? I mean, he is who he is and I'm not trying to make him someone he's not, and obviously I love him to death, but there's not a person alive that couldn't stand to work on some aspect of their personality! Lighten up, tone themselves down, take things more seriously, joke around more... whatever.

 

I really appreciate the advice and I definitely agree that in this situation, it's clear that they go too far for him and something needs to be said. I will bring it up next time we talk and I'll tell DS that he is totally free and encouraged to say something as well.

Please don't tell him to lighten up, even you think he would have more fun or whatever.

 

It's very kind of you to take an interest and care, and I'm sure you wouldn't intentionally want to make him feel worse. I speak from decades of experience, though, when I caution against saying anything at all that might sound critical of his personality. Being sensitive is like having any other personality trait, it is not a choice or something that can be toned down.

 

I'm sure you know that and will be respectful of his person. I just thought I'd mention it.

[lgliser]

 

 

Please don't tell him to lighten up, even you think he would have more fun or whatever. 

 

It's very kind of you to take an interest and care, and I'm sure you wouldn't intentionally want to make him feel worse. I speak from decades of experience, though, when I caution against saying anything at all that might sound critical of his personality. Being sensitive is like having any other personality trait, it is not a choice or something that can be toned down. 

 

I'm sure you know that and will be respectful of his person. I just thought I'd mention it. 

You're right, and I would never put it to him like that! Like I said, I really don't want to change him into someone he's not. And I totally know that some people are just sensitive, and he is one of them. 

But I'm also speaking from experience. I was a sensitive kid but I have definitely grown a thicker skin as an adult. But I also completely realize that a lot of that just comes from growing and life experience. It certainly didn't happen over night or due to anyone telling me to lighten up! (Which again, I would not say to him). :)

Thank you for caring!