My in-laws get into town today...

[Innisfree]

Agreeing with everyone else on learning about boundaries and your BIL's own agency.

 

One further point is that skills need to be practiced to be maintained.

 

So no, regression in a medical sense isn't the issue.

 

Actual present functioning is a separate issue from whatever BIL may have done in the past. And, as stated, college is a sheltered environment.

 

I would make sure that your dh understands that he will make decisions through inaction just as much as through action.

 

Actively deciding to speak up and challenge his parents' vision of the future may be profoundly uncomfortable. But living with the consequences of their decisions because he refused to clearly communicate may be profoundly uncomfortable, too, for all of you.

 

If I saw this dynamic in my family, especially around such vitally important issues, I think I'd insist on family counseling if needed to achieve absolute clarity.

[QueenCat]

Actively deciding to speak up and challenge his parents' vision of the future may be profoundly uncomfortable. But living with the consequences of their decisions because he refused to clearly communicate may be profoundly uncomfortable, too, for all of you.

 

 

 

So very true, and one of my biggest concerns for OP.

[3 ladybugs]

Agreeing with everyone else on learning about boundaries and your BIL's own agency.

 

One further point is that skills need to be practiced to be maintained.

 

So no, regression in a medical sense isn't the issue.

 

Actual present functioning is a separate issue from whatever BIL may have done in the past. And, as stated, college is a sheltered environment.

 

I would make sure that your dh understands that he will make decisions through inaction just as much as through action.

 

Actively deciding to speak up and challenge his parents' vision of the future may be profoundly uncomfortable. But living with the consequences of their decisions because he refused to clearly communicate may be profoundly uncomfortable, too, for all of you.

 

If I saw this dynamic in my family, especially around such vitally important issues, I think I'd insist on family counseling if needed to achieve absolute clarity.

I get what you are saying but how many here would be able to say to their parents that they are willing to walk away from them, so they don't have to be in a situation to take care of them more then they are willing to do?

 

MIL had some elderly relative in Houston, TX. I never really did understand who she was but MIL said she was the last of her relatives that was alive. In about 2003/2004 MIL went down there with the hopes of moving her up to Seattle so she could watch over her. Relative was a hoarder, so this wasn't going to be an easy task. However relative agreed to it then put all sorts of conditions on it that MIL didn't want to agree to. At the end of the trip they were not speaking and Relative stayed in TX. In 2005 my in-laws paid for the whole family (me, DH, BIL, and themselves) to go on a cruise out of Galveston, TX (BIL had just graduated college). Seeing that we were going to be in Houston anyway, I asked repeatedly to see (Relative). I knew she was quirky, but I have family that is quirky so I wasn't scared. And the way I saw it, family is family. It is rude to go through their town and not say "hi". I was repeatedly rebuffed by MIL. After that we heard a bit from her but then that stopped too. In about February of 2013, I was pregnant and I started wondering about this family member. I asked DH to try to contact her or ask his mother about her but he knew that she would just be angry at the mention. August came around and it came to find out that (Relative) had died in February. Gave 99% of her inheritance to a church that she never attended till the last days of her life. MIL fought it when she found out but didn't have a leg to stand on as she was angry with her till her dying day. 

 

This has happened several times I understand to MIL. DH really doesn't want any inheritance. He doesn't care about that AT ALL. However he does want his family. If he pushes too hard, he could loose them. He has seen it in the past. 

 

Mostly the advice I have seen in these threads assume that the people are rational. That isn't always the case. The best thing we can do is to nudge MIL or make her think that what we want is what she wants. None of that comes with confrontation. You confront her, she will argue with you just to argue. I have seen it. She once got into a fight with me because DH didn't go to his grandmother's funeral. I met DH in September 2002. This funeral was in about 1994 during finals time at his college. She HAS to win all arguments. She even brought this up again this visit. She should have let this go LONG ago but she hasn't and is prone to throw things like this back at people. 

 

Just because they have the plans for x, y and z, doesn't mean we have to go along with it. We haven't signed anything yet and I know DH well enough that he would NEVER sign anything that we wouldn't agree to. He is prone to read EVERY LAST WORD of anything he signs. You should have seen him at our closing of our house. Situations could change. If MIL dies before FIL that puts us in a much different situation then we are in right now. MIL is doing MUCH better with her health lately. She had bariatric surgery about 18 months ago and is doing well with it. However prior to them coming out and hearing about FIL heart episode, I would say she is the more ill one. Now I think it is a tie. If FIL should die before MIL that puts us in a MUCH different spot too. Neither of these situations would be good for BIL but DH can work with them on that one. 

[bolt.]

I get what you are saying but how many here would be able to say to their parents that they are willing to walk away from them, so they don't have to be in a situation to take care of them more then they are willing to do?

I wouldn't be willing to "say" to my in laws or parents that I'm "willing to walk away" -- because I'm not. Far from it! I'm willing to do lots of things, including being willing to make myself uncomfortable for their sake.

 

But I will never be in a situation where an invisible magical force would somehow make me do more than I am willing to do. I'll simply do what I am willing to do, and then other things will happen in response to my actions. Those things that happen after my actions are not my actions.

 

If, perhaps, one of the things that happens is that other people walk away from a relationship where I am willing-and-able to xyz and no more -- I couldn't stop them of i wanted to, and I don't imagine that to be my decision. It's not something I'm held hostage by. I can have a good life with or without parents, though I definitely prefer an intact relationship.

Edited May 19, 2016 by bolt.

[QueenCat]

I get what you are saying but how many here would be able to say to their parents that they are willing to walk away from them, so they don't have to be in a situation to take care of them more then they are willing to do?

 

....snip..............

 

 

Just because they have the plans for x, y and z, doesn't mean we have to go along with it. We haven't signed anything yet and I know DH well enough that he would NEVER sign anything that we wouldn't agree to. He is prone to read EVERY LAST WORD of anything he signs. You should have seen him at our closing of our house. Situations could change. If MIL dies before FIL that puts us in a much different situation then we are in right now. MIL is doing MUCH better with her health lately. She had bariatric surgery about 18 months ago and is doing well with it. However prior to them coming out and hearing about FIL heart episode, I would say she is the more ill one. Now I think it is a tie. If FIL should die before MIL that puts us in a MUCH different spot too. Neither of these situations would be good for BIL but DH can work with them on that one. 

 

Hugs, first, I know all of this is stressful for you. I don't think anyone is suggesting people walk away from their parents when their parents need them. Just that there are many ways to be there for our parents as they age, and it doesn't have to mean doing it as the parents dictate or living in the same household if that doesn't work. Not really thinking you'd have to sign anything to agree or not agree to anything......... even executor's of wills don't sign to agree before the people actually die. Perhaps power of attorney's for finances and such, but not an agreement to "how things will be".......... like others, I encourage you all to build relationships with bil. There are ways that don't involve the phone........... skype, email, etc. If your dh likes to play video games, they can even play those together, virtually, from one coast to the other. Also remember that people with aspergers/autism do have feelings, even if they don't express them well (it's a common misconception that they don't), so learn more about recognizing those, as well as other aspects, so you can be more supportive of both your dh and bil. Again, supportive doesn't have to mean living with you. Bil might want to live by himself or with a roommate, or whatever, and he needs to know he has that choice.

[Terabith]

The whole BIL issue really is a moot point because nobody has asked him what HE wants to do!!!! I mean, maybe your in laws are his guardians, but it really doesn't sound like it. I agree it would be good to get to know him better, but seriously... Has anyone asked his opinion?

 

I'm not sure what sort of contract needs to be signed to say we will not be living with you.