JenneinCA Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 A week and a half ago (Thursday) we found out that the Phoenix office my husband works at was closing. We need to either relocate or be unemployed. That was hard. A few days after that (Saturday) we found out that my MIL has liver cancer. She has been dealing with various tests since then. Today we found out that the cancer has spread to her spinal column, lungs and bones. We are stressed. My husband is incredibly stressed. He needs to go to California for a job interview next week. And maybe to Colorado and Washington too. It is my older son's birthday Thursday and my birthday on Friday. He doesn't want to be gone for any of this. His sister is traveling to be with his mom on Friday. My husband doesn't want to go. I know this sounds awful but he really doesn't want to see her. He wants to stay here with us and not deal with his mom. They have a distant but not bad relationship. Do I need to convince him to go see his mom? Or do I need to tell him it is okay not to go? I just want to hold him and make it all better. But I just can't fix this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 So sorry that you're family is going through all this. I would encourage my dh to go see his mom asap. It will be tough, no doubt. But the regrets he might have if he doesn't go may be worse. :grouphug: Aggie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Wow, Jenne. What an awful lot you guys have to deal with right now! I would encourage your husband to go see his mother. I think he will regret not going if he doesn't. She's dying; he will not have another chance. :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 It's a bad time... but you can't reschedule death. I'd strongly encourage him to go. Having all the other things to worry about will allow him to be in denial about that loss... but avoidance won't serve him well in the long run. If he doesn't do his grief work now, it's much more likely to have long-term impacts on his mental health. Loss is much more successfully handled when it isn't heavily tinged with guilt. The process of grieving isn't fun... but it is important. ((Jenne)) Praying for easier times for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Do I understand right that his mother may have very little time left? If so, then please encourage your dh to GO. His mother needs him now. Our family relationships are so much more important than birthdays, job interviews, etc. I'm not meaning to minimize those important parts of our lives, but your dh may have deep regrets if he doesn't take hold of his last chance to be there for his mother. HTH Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Jenne, I have been thinking about you this week and almost PM'd you. I am so sorry all this is going on. Trust me, aside from a sick MIL I totally get you. My dh is still out of work. (over 1 year later) If you need anyone to rant unintelligibly to please feel free to PM me. :grouphug: Sadly that is all I have to offer you. I don't have any answers. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 When my father was dying, we didn't have a lot of information about his condition and had to make a judgment call as to whether or not it was time to drop everything and go or not. It wasn't a small thing. He was in Switzerland--it was an expensive trip, at an awkward time (awkward for various reasons). My two sisters and I elected to go. My brother decided to wait, to try to go later in the year. Three weeks after we saw him, my father died. My brother did not see him. It was very hard. None of us had a close relationship with our father (rather the contrary!) but it really was best to see him, to close that chapter. Please urge your dh to go. It's a terrible time for you--I am totally sympathetic to that. But I think he will not regret going to see her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 Ladies, You all agreed that he should go. I agree with you. I told him to buy the tickets before we got this latest news. I wanted him to leave on Friday then he could be back and still get to his interviews. This isn't about money. He just doesn't want to go. About regrets, he hasn't seen her in four plus years. She didn't want to travel with the dogs. We offered to pay for the airplane ticket but she wouldn't leave the dogs. He feels that he wasn't important enough for her to visit him before. He was really hurt and it shows now. I don't know if I can convince him to go. How do I tell him he needs to see someone he believes doesn't care about him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 You can try telling him it is in his own best interest because he won't have regrets when it is too late. I really believe in not setting myself up to feel guilty. Also, what do his siblings think about all this? Do they think your DH should go see his mother? When my father died last year, my brother and sister did not go see him beforehand, and they have no regrets. So that may not work. I guess it depends on the person. My siblings had not had contact with my dad for a couple of decades, though, while I had always maintained a relationship with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Tell him that it isn't for her you want him to go... it's for him. HE cares about HER, or else he wouldn't be hurt. I'd say something like "Because I love you so much, I don't want you to have any regrets. I know that you are a wonderful, loving man, and I don't want you to ever doubt that about yourself. This may be a wonderful time of healing for both you and your mom, and if not, you'll always know that you were the best son you could be. Go. I'll take care of things here. " Then I'd pack for him, buy his ticket and put him on the plane. Losing your parent is such a big deal--whatever he is saying, he may not be functionally able to make a good decision right now, and needs you to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 And get a grip on the situation? Unless you really don't think that she will live out another couple of weeks, I would consider that. To me, this would be pretty much non-negotiable. I would need, for me, to see my husband go, put his hurt feelings aside, and support his mother and sister regardless of what injuries he thinks they have caused him (unless they were really abusive problems and a therapist told him he really shouldn't go). It's just the right, selfless thing to do. It's not all about him. But if you have a decent relationship with your SIL, I might just feel her out on it, find out how MIL is doing, and maybe SIL will be able to tell you and DH, "Mom really wants you to come." Perhaps that would make the difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdWTMer Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I'm so sorry for all of your families troubles right now! Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I am really sorry you are going through this. My dh also found out at the beginning of the month his office was closing. He is looking for a job and it looks likely we might need to relocate. Regarding your mil, it is hard, I can see he is hurt, but he might not have too much time to make a decision. My mother was diagnosed with liver cancer and she was gone in less than a month even though initially we were told she was expected to have between 6 and 9 months. I had to take an emergency flight across the Atlantic a week before my planned trip and I only had one day with her before she was gone. I would encourage him to go even though he might not want to go. If the relationship was not bad, just distant, I think later on he might regret not having seen her. I wish you all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 I think I am going to have to wait until SIL gets there on Friday. Maybe she will have a better read on the situation than we have now. She will tell him if his time is short. I don't know that I have much choice other than to wait. I know that is a real risk to doing nothing, but in this time of everything being so out of control, I can't tell him what to do. He is hanging on with a thread as it is. I can only support him in what he thinks he should do. He already knows that I think he should go. He still doesn't want to be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I think I am going to have to wait until SIL gets there on Friday. Maybe she will have a better read on the situation than we have now. She will tell him if his time is short. I don't know that I have much choice other than to wait. I know that is a real risk to doing nothing, but in this time of everything being so out of control, I can't tell him what to do. He is hanging on with a thread as it is. I can only support him in what he thinks he should do. He already knows that I think he should go. He still doesn't want to be there. :grouphug: WOW! I hope you get good info from your SIL and that there's some time to handle this. I can see how your dh is totally overwhelmed, I'm guessing he has a hard time right now picking out socks. I hope he'll turn around and go see his mom. In the long run, he'll be glad he did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 The other thing to consider about going now versus later would be that if she were to deteriorate quickly, the final visit would be more meaningful for both of them if she were more aware, able to talk, awake, etc. Also, if you dh is close to his sister then he could always look at it as supporting her through this by going out there with her. I'm sure your dh is feeling overwhelmed with all this coming at once so it's a good thing that you are helping him with this difficult decision. Blessings to your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I think the best thing you can do for him is to support him to do what he feels is best in the circumstances. Both my parents are dead and I can't imagine not having wanted to see them before they died but everyone is different, we all do and think differently so I can't tell someone else what they should or shouldn't do. I wonder if he feels he can only deal with one thing at a time. (((hugs))) DH was out of work for 5 months at the beginning of this year and it was really hard! I hope that your DH is able to get something at the interviews he has lined up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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