Does anyone have one child ahead and one child behind?

[pkbab5]

And how do you keep yourself from inadvertently comparing them?  And how do you teach the ahead one how to be sensitive to the behind one?  And how do you convince the behind one that it's okay, they're just as awesome a person as their sibling?

 

My 6 year old is an "accelerated learner", doing 3rd grade work in 1st grade, and catches on to things very easily.  She has always been like this, two years ahead on everything.

 

My 4 year old has childhood absence epilepsy with a speech delay and other issues ("elevated signs of ASD, but does not meet all the criteria for diagnosis" according to his evaluation), and is desperately trying to catch up what he missed before he was able to be diagnosed and medicated for his seizures.  So he's a year or two behind on everything (except reading, because he loves it).

 

The fact that my first was always two years ahead gives me this very skewed idea of where my second is supposed to be on things, and it's so very hard to figure out whether he is not doing something he's supposed to be doing because he's misbehaving, or because he just CAN'T yet.  So sometimes I'll accidentally give him a timeout for not obeying my instructions, and then realize after the fact that he couldn't comprehend them.  And I just cry and hold him.

 

And my first was always a "helper", so when she asked if she could start helping her brother learn things, like how to talk, of course I encouraged that.  And she is great at that.  But now I'm seeing her saying to her friends "hey look!  This is my brother!  He doesn't talk very well, I have to help him".  And she means it in an affectionate way, so I can't fault her.  But then that evening, her brother says to me "I'm sad.  I'm not good."  And I just cry some more and hold him.

 

Sometimes he'll let me be his personal human motivational tape: "Son, say I am good!  Say I am awesome!  Say Mommy loves me!"  He repeats those things and he seems to feel better.  But I don't know how long that by itself is going to work. 

 

My kids love each other a whole lot right now, and it's incredible.  And I am scared that as they get older, their differences will cause resentment and come between them.  And I just want... I don't know what I want... I guess I want to hear stories of siblings with differences who still love and support each other.  I need to know that it can happen, if you know what I mean.

[texasmama]

:grouphug:

 

I have an ASD, average-ish 15 year old in 9th grade.  I also have a neurotypical, accelerated, gifted 12 year old in 9th grade.  Their situation has played out over many years and is different than yours in that the little brother was working at the older brother's level.  There were feelings involved about many things, including competency and comparison, for a long time.  Those seem mostly resolved now.  Their relationship is difficult because of the ASD involved.  

 

In your shoes, I would sit down with the 6 year old and help her to understand that the 4 year old feels bad about not being able to do things and give her a different script to follow when introducing him to others so he is not publicly reinforced as not capable.  

 

We have talked a lot about individuality and different giftings in my house.  We talk about not comparing ourselves to others. 

 

Do know and remember that having to struggle some can be a gift.  People who never have to struggle often do not develop the type of perseverance that those who struggle do.  Ability is not the strongest predictor of future "success".  We define success differently for different kids.

[Crimson Wife]

I have two that are advanced and one that is pretty much at grade level academically but very delayed in many other areas. Fortunately, she's 3 and 6 years younger than her siblings so there's not really any comparison on her part. I try not to think of where my little one would be if she didn't have the SN's because it's really not a fair comparison. It would be like if her siblings were talented athletes but then she had CP or some other motor disorder.

[sbgrace]

:grouphug:  This special needs parent stuff is so hard.

 

 

You do have an advantage in that she's older. I would play things to that angle probably..of course she speaks better..she's older.

Find his strengths and play them up/enjoy them. He sounds like he needs a lot of verbal positive feedback. So you do that..praising effort and catching all the good he does.

 

My different kids are twins. One has autism and other issues, and that together with the same age causes a lot of complications in their relationship. You describe such a sweet sibling relationship. I hope that stays for you.

 

As far as comparing, that can be hard. In your case, though, you have a child who is a. very young, b. a boy (they tend to mature later than their sisters) and c. special needs. So I would chalk differences up to all that as much as you can. Let his specialists track his progress or trust that you will know if there is an issue and address it then. If he's progressing, I would feel good. You just keep him developing on his own time table.

 

:grouphug:

[Plink]

I have a child in that situation.

 

It is hard, and it is okay to grieve the child you imagined.

 

I make a point of regularly expressing that everyone has their own area of struggle.  For one child it might be speech, another cleanliness, another math.   In the same way, I make sure that each child knows where their strengths are, whether it is their kind heart, their creative writing, or their organizational skills.  We don't value one skill higher than another, but we all pick up the pieces and help others where they struggle without judgement.  

 

When one child starts grumbling about their own struggles, I mention my own, and we have a mini grumble session together, wishing we could change the world and admitting that some things are just plain not fair, but then I always turn the conversation back to the fact that everyone has an area that they struggle in, and that they have some pretty awesome strengths.

 

If a child grumbles about another child's struggles or starts to brag about their own success (not just mention a success, but intentionally rub their achievement in the other kid's face for a reaction) they are immediately removed from the room until they can speak with kindness.

 

When we are out in public, and someone cuts us off in traffic, we may discuss how that person's struggle may be impatience.  If we are at the grocery store and they see a child in a cast, I may mention that I'm grateful that a broken foot isn't my struggle today.  It is a constant dialogue.  

[RootAnn]

Like a couple of the PP, I have a younger kid who is at or ahead of an older sibling in many things. It is very difficult because they naturally compare themselves every day because it is obvious to them they are working at similar levels despite their age gap. 

 

And how do you convince the behind one that it's okay, they're just as awesome a person as their sibling?

- We concentrate on praising things that are uniquely wonderful about both kids. 

 

And how do you keep yourself from inadvertently comparing them? 

 - I can't. I do compare them. I just don't compare their academics OUT LOUD. Out loud, I praise their compassion for others, their patience, how much attention they put into completing their chores, helping a sibling, how nicely they are playing with each other, etc. Focus on the positive.

 

And how do you teach the ahead one how to be sensitive to the behind one? 

- I don't know how much good it would have done at 6. Small talks all the time. My kids have to be a certain age to understand empathy. Part of it is maturity & part of it is awareness. So, it is good to talk about it privately with them. Model the behavior you want. My kids wouldn't have been able to be sensitive at 6 to a sibling. So, talk, model, and give it time.

[pkbab5]

Thank you guys so much.  It sounds like we have a bit of a struggle in front of us, though not as hard as it could be, so I am grateful.  I will read this thread many times and try to ingrain your suggestions into daily life.  Again, thank you.

[Lecka]

I am not sure how I missed this thread before!  Great suggestions and ideas.

 

I also have twins, with one who has autism.  He is not aware of comparisons yet, but he wants to be a big kid so he can do certain things. 

 

It has taken a lot of time for my daughter (his twin) to come to terms with him having autism, and I think she is going to come to terms again every little bit of time.  She is only aware of so much herself, b/c of her life experience and 6-year-old mindsets. 

 

My older son also has a lot of questions. 

 

My older son is a good helper and he has understood for a while, that part of being a good helper is standing back and letting his brother do things on his own sometimes.  It is not always stepping in.  Sometimes being a good helper is telling friends something her brother CAN do so he can show off a little.  Maybe she could be a helper by saying "and look what he can do" if he would like that.  My kids would have liked that when they were 4, I think.  This can be "ask him this question" or "ask to see him do this."

 

So I think I would try to take the "good helper" and make it be a more appropriate good helper.  It won't happen overnight, but you can lead in that direction, and also step in sometimes. 

 

If you hear things said, you can also step in and say your opinion.  There is a section on this in one of the Siblings Without Rivalry or How To Talk So Kids Will Listen books (they are books with litlte comic strip boxes).  There is a section about not letting kids be pigeonhold into a role by siblings.  It is a great section, helpful to me.  I can't really summarize it, I don't know, but I like that.  You could glance through it in a book store or library, it is just a section or chapter. 

 

I think it sounds like you are not in a place where you can hear your son is sad, and not be sad too.  B/c you ARE sad.  Well, there is a time to be sad, but then there is a time to think about all the great things about your child.  They come and go.  If you are feeling sad, then that is okay.  But you need a place of how great your son is, that you need to break out sometimes when he is sad or your daughter is making comments about "why is he behind?" as they may do.  They are looking to see how you respond.  If you respond in ways that show you are sad and disappointed, they will see that modeled for them.  That is fine a little bit.  But for balance, you need to show that you are also proud of your son and think he is great the way he is. 

 

You do need to find this balance, or you are going to be modeling some things you probably don't want to model.  You can't pretend there is nothing, or never be sad.  But you have got to balance that with all the positives. 

 

I think it is helpful to read blogs -- there are a lot of proud moms out there, and it can be a good influence. 

 

At a certain point, a lot of them had a choice between being proud or going way too far into the "this is so sad" area.  I think it can be a choice at a certain point.

 

But if it is still new, then I think it is fine to be sad and still be working towards a place where you have balance and acceptance. 

 

But I think it is a goal to keep in mind, even if you are not always there.  Sometimes new things come up, and they are sad!  But sometimes people can choose to focus on the sad things, or they can choose to focus on progress.  Focusing on progress can be a counter-balance and it can be a good thing to try for. 

 

I am also a big believer that our kids were created as God wants them to be.  That is a bedrock foundation for me, when things are hard.  It is something good to go back to. 

 

Good luck, I think you have got some great advice!  It has been helpful for me, too. 

[Cake and Pi]

This thread was great to read.  We're just beginning this journey so I can really only empathize.  My 2yo is delayed and we are still searching for a diagnosis.  My older kids are average to accelerated depending on the subject.  Right now they all just think of him as a baby, so they don't expect much from him.  His receptive language is on par with a 12mo, so he doesn't really understand much they say yet anyway.  But I imagine there will be questions on both ends eventually.

 

One thing I have really been focusing on with the older boys is having a "growth mindset."  I try to praise their effort, not their accomplishments.  I tell them the important thing is how you go about getting an answer, not the actual answer.  We talk about how we work hard so that we can grow our minds (and we go to church to grow our hearts, eat healthy to grow our bodies, etc).

[SunshineMom]

My dd14 has developmental delays where as my dd12 is accelerated.  My dd12 is taller too so people who don't know us think she's older.  The jealousy my dd14 feels towards my dd12 can be hard to deal with.  I just keep trying to focus my dd14 on her interests rather than what her sister is doing.  I have to say that my dd12 can be both very supportive and then not so as she runs out of patience.  Homeschooling is challenging as I traverse between two extremes without losing my unique approach to each student.