Tsuga Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 I think it's pretty simple. If we aren't a family, there is no "step". There is nothing. There are just roomates. A man and a woman having sex in the house as children whom they have nothing to do with. A disgusting situation to be horrified about, to shame, and to hate. Here's the advice for that situation: "You're probably going to hell so it doesn't matter anyway, but why don't you go to church, become a christian, and go back to your ex-husband who raped and cheated on you? So you can be a REAL FAMILY." For my partner, "I know that you married a Mormon girl at 23, and only had sex with one girl before that for like a week, but I'd like you to commit to never having sex again with her. Also, she will yell at you and hit you (because ya know, that's REAL family). But that's what you need to do." There. There's my advice. The stuff about ​ignoring my step-kids or shipping them off to extracurriculars so they don't have to see my offensive face? Uh, no. Let's get to the point. We have no right to exist as a family unit. That solves a whole lot of problems right there. This thread is just about as awesome as the time my kindergartener got called a wh0re when I asked how to help get her to pay attention in class. I do believe that ​not even on reddit was I ever told my child was a wh0re nor was I ever told, "You can't have a family. You're divorced: you aren't a family anymore." Not even on 4chan! Congratulations, WTM. That's an accomplishment right there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I don't understand, but I appreciate you and I'm sorry for your struggle. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Tsuga, what can I say. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been appalled by this whole conversation. Nobody but a family has a right to define that family. Your request for opinions on techniques and logistics should not have been seen as an invite to tell you whether your home is a real family or that you should get married or anything of the kind. Of course not. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sdel Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 "You're probably going to hell so it doesn't matter anyway, but why don't you go to church, become a christian, and go back to your ex-husband who raped and cheated on you? So you can be a REAL FAMILY." For my partner, "I know that you married a Mormon girl at 23, and only had sex with one girl before that for like a week, but I'd like you to commit to never having sex again with her. Also, she will yell at you and hit you (because ya know, that's REAL family). But that's what you need to do." There. There's my advice. The stuff about ​ignoring my step-kids or shipping them off to extracurriculars so they don't have to see my offensive face? Uh, no. Let's get to the point. We have no right to exist as a family unit. That solves a whole lot of problems right there. No one has suggested any such things. It may be true that your step-kids do not consider you family....but that doesn't stop you from accepting them as such, which is why the step role is so hard and so many have to grieve their ideal visions of a blended family are not ever going to be. We women have it harder than the dads. First we have our instincts to nurture and mother children. Second, there is a lot of pre-built negativity for stepmoms in pop culture. Also, separated mom's tend to be territorial on their children when stepmoms/dads are involved but not with their new partners interactions with the kids. Stepdads don't have those pre-built ideas attached to them. When have you ever heard of an evil stepdad in pop culture? And second, traditional dads roles are perceived as more relaxed. Kids are often short sighted, and teens and pre-teens are a difficult age to come into such a situation with. They simply lack the maturity to see beyond themselves in a lot of situations....even in non-blended families. Younger kids are simply more willing to attach themselves to adults. It is all developmentally appropriate. No one said to ignore your step kids, we advised you to stay out of decision making and enforcement roles as much as possible. You need to embrace the fun parent stereotype. If you can do that, you have unique opportunities available to you in the blended family dynamic. If you can do that, hopefully with time and maturity your stepkids will come around. I stress again, you are seeing some loyalty binds here. There are numerous articles online about how to identify and work through them. Somewhere the kids feel they are betraying something; mom herself, the traditional values they are being raised with, the dim hope that the parents might somehow get back together, the idea that the sky is purple, anything they can make a mountain out of a molehill over because they are hormone saturated drama queens at these ages, if they chose to engage or get close to you. How long have you been a blended family? It takes years to gel. Stefanie 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 What I see, that taken on its face and somewhat out of context, is people trying to explain it from the kids' perspective. It sounds harsh from the other side because it feels harsh to the kids. The people that are commenting in a somewhat "appalling" manner are people who've been through it and that is how they felt or feel about the circumstances of their parents divorce and relationships post-divorce. It sounds horrible, because to them, it was horrible and confusing. If you're a kid who went through it and felt like "this isn't my family, that was my family" then I think what was said makes slightly more sense as advice and isn't as personal as someone saying, "you, Tsuga, boyfriend, your kids, his kids -- you guys aren't a family". I don't think anyone intended what you've typed above, although kids can be really judgmental and without guile, so this may be how their feelings are manifesting themselves. It also may not be. But I think it's worth considering that they may be feeling really horribly about the circumstances so that you can work from there. Good luck as you navigate this. I really doubt there is any kind of Hollywood ending a la that Susan Sarandon/Julia Roberts movie. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 No one has suggested any such things. If they aren't on the thread now, then they were edited. Specific points/words/phrases that I found really upsetting were: alien (I quote), not a family (I quote), boarding school (WTH--rehab, perhaps, if there were drugs, but boarding school, really?), and a specific suggestion that if they weren't doing homework and I was home we should force them to get out of the house so we weren't home together. I am not going to re-read this thread. If those words / suggestions are no longer there, great. Because as advice, they suck. But my reaction was to that kind of talk, as well as the general "stay out of their lives" which, even if it's true, is too late! Should have realized that I can't have stepchildren before I moved in. Now I'm really screwed. If I leave, I'm abandoning them. If I stay I'm an intruder. Also, my beloved, and my own children, they have a relationship. So, not helpful. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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