two steps forward and ten steps back

[LaughingCat]

Sometimes I feel like DD takes 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.  I know that sometimes this can even be good  - because when you are learning something new sometimes you have to regress before moving forward.  But MAN! it is so painful to be around her when things seem like that and not always clear that she is regressing to move forward either!   And sometimes I feel like the issues themselves are multiplying!  It is very hard to see the (amazing!) progress she has made in the last 4 years and feels like I am paddling madly just to stay in place.

 

What do you all do to keep your spirits up when you feel like this??

 

The things I do sometimes work and sometimes have no affect on my mood or make me even more down about it all:

• I talk to myself about the illogic of my negative thoughts and remind myself of the gains she has made
• I start spending a lot of time looking for new answers for the areas she struggles in - which is sometimes very good (find new information/materials/new ideas) and sometimes even more depressing.

 

 

[PeterPan]

Sometimes I need a day of something REALLY DIFFERENT.  Like go drive out of town to visit a friend.  Or go to a state park you've never been to before and hike or bike ride or swim.  Or go on a day trip to something in your state.  Or invite several girlfriends and their kids over for lunch.  Or go on a fabric/quilt store hop.  

 

Sometimes I get in a rut of thinking about something (something that is worth thinking about) and can't give myself that break.  We might be going to a funeral tonight or tomorrow.  Same deal, a mental break.  We really need 'em.

[OneStepAtATime]

Sometimes I DON'T find a way to get more upbeat and end up needing to sit and cry a bit.  That usually clears my head.  

 

But other than that I focus on how many friends/family I know that have learning issues that struggled terribly in school (including DH) but ended up having good jobs, happy lives, etc.  I have to remove myself from the mindset that traditional academics are the be all and end all of existence and whatever our struggles at this stage this does not define our lives, it is just one part.

 

And I agree with Elizabeth, sometimes we need to do something completely different, out in left field even...

[IsabelC]

I feel your pain as it's a bit like that here as well. 

 

Sometimes thinking about a longer time frame can help. When I catch myself thinking that ds doesn't seem to have got anywhere this term, I try and remember what he was like 3 years ago and how far he has come since then. And even the old fashioned technique of making an Appreciation/Gratitude list can be helpful. You have many daily struggles, but there are also things that you can be delighted and proud and happy about.

 

Also I don't know whether this applies to you, but in my experience it has been enormously helpful to allow myself time and space to grieve for the child I don't have, before I could really start moving forward working with the child I do have. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wishing your daughter didn't have the issues she has. It's OK to feel sad about the things your kid didn't do, the things she can't do now, and (if applicable) the things she might never be able to do (as long as you don't put the burden of your pain onto your child - if you need support to work through your feelings, get support from another adult). I think that we all have hopes and expectations for our children, and we need to adjust these as our children grow, but it's a lot more of a challenge the more special needs the child has. It's not easy to go from expecting your child to excel, down to wanting your child to be average, down to just desperately hoping your child might learn to cope with everyday life.

[Pen]

It can be that way here too, and we do not have even the most serious of situations as some of the people here are dealing with.  Still frustration is difficult.  I like the other ideas you've gotten.

[PeterPan]

Sometimes I DON'T find a way to get more upbeat and end up needing to sit and cry a bit.  That usually clears my head.  

 

I've taken to watching tear jerker movies late at night so I can force the cry.  It's SO cathartic, such a good release!  If you want to kill a few hours, this is a good one.  Totally beautiful, leaves you bawling.  You'll feel great afterward.  Vivah  Minor detail, it's in Hindi.  But what's a little language barrier between friends?  Read the subtitles and enjoy.  :D

[PeterPan]

It can be that way here too, and we do not have even the most serious of situations as some of the people here are dealing with.  Still frustration is difficult.  I like the other ideas you've gotten.

I think everyone's problems are earth shattering and hard in their own world, because it's still your child and sorrow.  It's almost like we feel like it's not right to feel as devastated or overwhelmed as we feel because we know someone else has WORSE problems.  And sometimes watching a movie like that and crying for their situation DOES help.  But then you get back to reality and know it's pretty strong in your own world. It's definitely ok to feel the way you feel.

[IsabelC]

I think everyone's problems are earth shattering and hard in their own world, because it's still your child and sorrow.  It's almost like we feel like it's not right to feel as devastated or overwhelmed as we feel because we know someone else has WORSE problems.  And sometimes watching a movie like that and crying for their situation DOES help.  But then you get back to reality and know it's pretty strong in your own world. It's definitely ok to feel the way you feel.

 

That is so very true.

 

(And it's also the reason why we have to take care that giving and seeking support is never allowed to degenerate into a 'whose child is worse' competition. Not something I have seen here, but unfortunately it can happen in the wider world.)

[OneStepAtATime]

I think everyone's problems are earth shattering and hard in their own world, because it's still your child and sorrow.  It's almost like we feel like it's not right to feel as devastated or overwhelmed as we feel because we know someone else has WORSE problems.  And sometimes watching a movie like that and crying for their situation DOES help.  But then you get back to reality and know it's pretty strong in your own world. It's definitely ok to feel the way you feel.

 

 

That is so very true.

 

(And it's also the reason why we have to take care that giving and seeking support is never allowed to degenerate into a 'whose child is worse' competition. Not something I have seen here, but unfortunately it can happen in the wider world.)

 

 

yes to both posts.  Definitely.   :iagree:

[mommymonster]

Sometimes I need a day of something REALLY DIFFERENT.  Like go drive out of town to visit a friend.  Or go to a state park you've never been to before and hike or bike ride or swim.  Or go on a day trip to something in your state.  Or invite several girlfriends and their kids over for lunch.  Or go on a fabric/quilt store hop.  

 

Some days just getting us all into a unique situation (even going to the local science museum) is enough to break us out of a rut or at least halt a downward spiral...

 

But other than that I focus on how many friends/family I know that have learning issues that struggled terribly in school (including DH) but ended up having good jobs, happy lives, etc.  I have to remove myself from the mindset that traditional academics are the be all and end all of existence and whatever our struggles at this stage this does not define our lives, it is just one part. 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  I need to tattoo this on my the inside of my arm. 

 

 

I do a few things to try to keep the despair and frustration at bay.

 

First, I keep an actual journal of successes/wins. I write them down and celebrate them. It can be something as minimal as saying he enjoyed math. Or that he remembered how to write a 12. Or DS8 and DS5 getting along. On crappy days, I look through the book. I wish I could say it was a lovely scrapbook thing, but really it's a 50 cent composition notebook and written with whatever I can find. 

 

Second, I personally have to remember to have a life. Like, dealing with my kids' health issues and learning challenges can't be the only thing I focus on. I'm an intense, high-energy person. If I'm worrying about them 24x7, doing remediation, extra lessons, and researching for more effective ways to do X, Y, or Z, well, they get annoyed and I get demoralized because they don't progress as quickly as they should (according to the charts). If I focus on them for a defined period of time (whatever that time is) and then force myself to do other things, it gets better (I don't know if it's better because I feel like I'm accomplishing things so it's better, or because they are less frustrated with me). 

 

Third, I *have* to exercise. I just have to get rid of the excess energy.  In the spirit of exercise, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I just have accepted that we need to be slow and steady.