Love this: sex positive parenting

[a27mom]

I was rather shocked at how sex negative the woman was. Really making a big deal about a 3 y/o not touching herself in the living room. I always just said "don't put your hands in your pants in front of other people". I never had a fuss about the kids touching themselves at home.

 

I am not sex positive. I am sex neutral. Sex can be a good thing or bad thing depending on context. I am willing to say to my 5 y/o I will explain that when your older, usually it is just a matter of not going into detail. Clouds are made of drops of water, she doesn't need the molecular structure of H2O yet. Same thing with sex, it doesn't have to be some big deal thing where I am scared I'll ruin her if I don't over share.

 

Can you explain what is wrong with the word vagina? 

 

And no one is bullying you.  You are making a choice to ignore experts' advice and not teach your children accurate words for their body parts.  Do you also teach them silly words for their nose, liver, spine and neck?

 

  

I disagree. I can only draw from, um, personal experience. But parental silence on the topic of sex, except to say that it is for grown-ups, can lead to shame. Particularly when it's accompanied by messages, very strong and explicit ones, about cleanliness, smelliness, "bad reputations" and the importance of femininity. Making the words for body parts a cause for shame is easily translated, by a child, into the idea that those parts themselves are shameful.And that kind of shame can play a role in the development of abusive relationships. And that's all I'm gonna say on that topic.

Actually I do teach my children words like nose and neck. I have not yet specified nares, cervical vertebrae, upper trapezius etc... Vagina is very inaccurate word to teach a girl regarding masturbation, vulva is more accurate, but not helpful for communicating, as many don't immediately understand it, privates is a much better communication tool.

 

Why is not teaching a child anatomical language early on shameful. I don't insist they say fecal matter or urine when they use the bathroom either. But that's isn't shameful?

 

Fwiw I use perineum with my girls, because it is more accurate for the entire area. But they still say "front butt" :)

[AMJ]

Thank you for posting!  We didn't get started at that young of an age with our girls, but I have already had frank discussions with them about sex.  Have we covered all of the bases?  No, not yet.  We still haven't discussed abuse, or peer pressure, or yearnings, or puppy love.  Those topics are still to be covered.  But I have explained about human reproduction, menstruation, and the massive mind/emotional games that hormone surges can bring on.

 

Basically the girls know the rudiments, and to NOT discuss them with younger cousins or in "polite" conversation.  They know that they can come talk to me about any of it, or about how they feel.  They also know they can talk to their Dad (unlikely they would choose that, but he's available), and their older cousin and an aunt, if they are tired of what Mom says or just want a different person/perspective/ear.

 

It's been a bit difficult figuring out how to address matters over the years, and eventually I just decided to tell them certain facts straight out, after we pulled them from private (religion-based) school and started homeschooling.  I have seen the effects sexual abuse can have on a family, effects that perpetuate for generations, and the role that society played in exacerbating and prolonging the trouble.  I still haven't figured out what I will tell the girls (or when) about this aspect of sex.  I don't want them afraid of sex, and want them to be confident in their rights to determine what happens to their bodies.  We are working on this part now -- the confidence in their rights.  As they grow and mature, and as the likelihood of exposure to risk grows, I will find the words to tell them about the darker side, warning signs (especially their own instinct), and what to do if something does occur.

 

Old society norms of hushing it up, denying it ever happened, and blaming the victim (usually while refusing to acknowledge that it even happened) played a big part in the multi-generational effects I have witnessed.  The approach mentioned in the article goes a long way towards defusing these old norms.  I'm glad the article was written and published, and grateful the OP posted it here.  Thanks, OP!

[Cindy in FL.]

I believe that sex is a wonderful part of life, and that is a sentiment that is passed on to my children. I do not think that sex is in it's entirety morally neutral. My children know the correct names for body parts and know which ones are considered private. Whether one believes that mast*rbation is an appropriate act or not, I do not believe it should be practiced in the common areas of my home in front of others, any more than I think other sex acts should be done in front of others. I do believe that one should wash one's hands after playing with their vulva because there are secretions, etc. in the area.

 

I believe that God created us, and that sex is for our enjoyment as well as the propagation of the species. I also believe that as the Creator He gets to set the ground rules for sex. My children are taught that sex is supposed to be within marriage. If my children do not adhere to that belief, have sex outside marriage, etc. I will love them just as much as ever. Nothing will make me love my children less because my love for them is unconditional.

 

Sex feels good and as human beings we want to experience that. Lots of things bring us pleasurable feelings (certain foods, alcohol, reading a good book...) but there are limits and guidelines for those things as well. Denying ourselves things that we desire when it it not the right time or circumstance for those things is not bad. Quite the opposite.

 

As a Christian, I will listen to experts and culture up to the point that they disagree with the Word of God. Culture is always changing and evolving (or devolving), but God is always the same. I don't mean that there are no differences in the way God worked in the Old Testament as compared to the New Testament or anything like that. He is the same in substance and character and is immutable. In these turbulent and uncertain times, that gives me immeasurable comfort and hope for myself, my children, and the world at large.

 

Not thinking that people should be allowed to get up to whatever they want whenever they want is not sex negative. In my opinion you can't get more sex positive than God!

[stripe]

I read a book that included a section about being sex positive that included some kind of weird advice about sex play with other kids. This is another issue one must deal with as kids age and become curious, that may not apply to infants and toddlers. Is it okay for seven year olds to engage in sex play together? What about with an older child? Or an adult?! Being too glibly "sex positive" can ignore the reality of abuse and discomforts people actually do have. Not every sexual encounter is great or wanted.

 

Here is an elderly Indian doctor who is "sex positive" but not deluded.

http://mahinderwatsa.com/

[albeto.]

WARNING: this post is off topic for the thread and is specifically to answer Albeto's question.  Don't bother to read it if that will bother you....

 

 

Thank you for your sincere reply. Do you mind if I make one follow-up comment in reply? You mention that "knew beyond even the deepest doubt that it was of God and not anything coming out of my own thinking." If you cannot actually know this in the sense we can know anything (the temperature at which water boils, the reproductive system of birds, the chemical composition of table salt, etc), then it would be accurate to say you believed without any doubt these thoughts were of God and not your own. This piques my curiosity, as I wonder how God is understood to introduce thoughts into our heads. Through the neural pathways? Which cells are affected? Could we measure the chemical response to God's communication? Could we somehow confirm with any accuracy that your beliefs are correct when others who claim the same exact thing, for the same exact reasons, conclude a very different idea about God's truth? But this is getting too far off topic. Thanks again.