Ask a Buddhist

[shukriyya]

How does being a Buddhist shape the way you live your life?

Re forming the question to reflect inner realities and beliefs is a helpful door in such that I might instead ask myself, 'how does Life/being human shape the way I live Buddhism?'

[mommymilkies]

Just following.  Forgive me if this has already been covered.

 

I've always enjoyed reading about Buddhism.  I will admit the last Buddhism book I read went really into the whole "denial of desire/feelings" thing that turned me off, though.  A lot of talk about even things like parenting and loving your children as something you shouldn't hold on to.  I was going through PPD and probably translated it in my head wrong, though.  What are your views on parenting as a Buddhist or how desire is handled?  I'm more than ok with desiring chocolate cake and teA and that making me come back as a wooly worm. 

 

Also, how does it feel as someone in the South who leans toward or is fully Buddhist?  Do you face weird comments, ostracism, or rudeness?  Or is there more acceptance in your area?  Are you able to find community (if desired)?

[plumshadow]

Wow! This thread ended way to soon. It was really interesting. I actually read Buddhism for Dummies few years back and it did a nice job covering the who, where,when, what basics.

[songsparrow]

strawberrymama, if you come back to this thread, I had a question.  This came up in a discussion I was having with a friend the other day.  Is there the belief in a God / divinity in Buddhism?  

[Desert Strawberry]

I see I missed a few questions. I will come back after dinner, or later to answer.

[Free]

Just following.  Forgive me if this has already been covered.

 

I've always enjoyed reading about Buddhism.  I will admit the last Buddhism book I read went really into the whole "denial of desire/feelings" thing that turned me off, though.  A lot of talk about even things like parenting and loving your children as something you shouldn't hold on to.  I was going through PPD and probably translated it in my head wrong, though.  What are your views on parenting as a Buddhist or how desire is handled?  I'm more than ok with desiring chocolate cake and teA and that making me come back as a wooly worm. 

 

Also, how does it feel as someone in the South who leans toward or is fully Buddhist?  Do you face weird comments, ostracism, or rudeness?  Or is there more acceptance in your area?  Are you able to find community (if desired)?

 

Admittedly, I am not a Buddhist. But I think Buddhist teachings on desire are often misunderstood. Desire is the underpinning of human life, the engine that drives us to eat, to sleep, to love and to live. Desire is essential for existence in a way.

 

Often though we experience suffering when our desires clash with the inevitable course of events that are outside our control. For example, if one loves ice-cream but is not allowed to eat it (for whatever reason - maybe health), one can let that fact cause anguish. A practicing Buddhist will however choose to observe her feelings, the causes of her annoyance and deal with them maybe by letting go of that desire, or maybe by working on accepting her current health problems.

 

The teaching is not about denying or suppressing desire, but about evaluating it and working on it. I think there a beauty and simplicity in this teaching and I don't view it negatively at all.

 

[ChristyB in TN]

This is awesome. I've read several books on Buddhism and enjoy learning about it. I will have tons of questions when I'm home from work and have time to think. However, I frequent a Thai restaurant nearby and there is a Buddha statue with lots of gifts around it. Every day it is different: a bottle of water, some change, some crackers, a little pile of candies, etc. Are they offering gifts to him? Why? Can I leave some, too? Christy

 

[Desert Strawberry]

 

I most examine the root of conflict. Am I being selfish and noncompassionate? Am I holding expectations for myself or the other person? Am I projecting feelings or motives on the other? Am I carrying an unmet need that I must find a suitable means of filling?

 

Once I find the root, the rest often falls away. It often comes down to "this is not a big deal".Or I am able to sort out what I really need and address that in a constructive manner.

 

 

Thanks for answering!

 

OK, so what if at the rot of the problem, you are NOT being selfish or having unrealistic expectations or something? Then you just figure it out using whatever means spring to mind, is that correct?

 

Like if you have an inheritance to divy up to your relatives. And there are extenuating factors....do you just do what feels right and let the chips fall where they may? Or if you were to have a custody dispute? Something where you really need and *answer* for how to proceed, ykwim?

 

I'm not totally sure I completely understand the distinction being made between destiny and determinism, but I'll read up and hit you with any questions :seeya:

 

 

 

The root of the problem really only relates to my emotional reaction to the problem, If my emotion is not effecting my judgement, then logic should prevail. 

 

In the inheritance example, I can

1. agree to whatever everyone else decides

2. handle it myself and divide it as evenly as possible

3. opt out and not pursue my portion.

 

My personal thoughts on inheritance is that its a gift and not an entitlement. If I were to make the choice, I would opt out of the discussion. I am not entitled to anything. I will not fight over it. Let the courts and others work it out and let me know. If I am feeling selfish and wanting what is not actually mine (it may become mine, but is not at this time mine), then I am wrong. 

If it is my responsibility to do the dividing, I will try to be as fair as possible, listen to everyone's concerns and seek counsel from someone knowledgeable. But I will not let my own selfishness, or feeling of resentment, or anything else affect my reasoning. This is hard, but nothing is easy. 

If I am truly doing what I believe is correct, honest and right, then let the chips fall. It's not my problem anymore. 

 

With custody, I admit, I am not a good Buddhist. This is honestly the reason D and I have never split. I know I cannot do right by my children in this regard. I would do my best if I had to, but it wouldn't be easy.  :leaving:  I am too selfish with my children. We have a bonus kid who we did not have custody of and I'm still pretty upset about the decision we made 10 years ago. But I have to find compassion for his mother. I have to believe that she did not INTEND him harm, and that he benefited from what time he did have with us. If it was his destiny to be with us, it would have worked out that way. 

 

The Buddhist answer is that I would what was best for the children, decided between me and the other parent and the law. Whatever that is, I have to make peace with it. 

 

 

Destiny is like the purple line on a Google map. You can follow it, and get to your destination quickly, or you can veer off to the back roads, maybe hit some potholes, maybe see some great sights, and get there later. Eventually, you WILL get there. But it may take many, many lifetimes. 

 

Determinism is fate, as I understand it. The idea that things will happen to you whether you choose them or not. Like Oedipus, though clearly not usually that obviously. That, we don't believe. Buddha taught not to tell fortunes because your choice is YOURS to decide when, where, how to live. follow your path, don't follow your path. You choose. 

 

 

 

 

[Desert Strawberry]

Just following.  Forgive me if this has already been covered.

 

I've always enjoyed reading about Buddhism.  I will admit the last Buddhism book I read went really into the whole "denial of desire/feelings" thing that turned me off, though.  A lot of talk about even things like parenting and loving your children as something you shouldn't hold on to.  I was going through PPD and probably translated it in my head wrong, though.  What are your views on parenting as a Buddhist or how desire is handled?  I'm more than ok with desiring chocolate cake and teA and that making me come back as a wooly worm. 

 

Also, how does it feel as someone in the South who leans toward or is fully Buddhist?  Do you face weird comments, ostracism, or rudeness?  Or is there more acceptance in your area?  Are you able to find community (if desired)?

 

Self-denial must be a thing in some school, because it sure does come up a lot. It is NOT a tenet of true Buddhism, imo. Buddha began as an ascetic before he attained enlightenment. He found that self-denial DID NOT bring enlightenment. That is why he quit! IME, self-denial is often used as an argument against Buddhism or presented as a Buddhist virtue by nonBuddhists. SOTW uses the rabbit in the campfire story to represent Buddhism. Uh, I have never read that story in the Jataka Tales, and there are SO MANY stories that better represent Buddhist teaching. Honestly. All of them. I like the Monkey and the Crocodile myself :) 

 

Buddha said (paraphrasing, obviously), "Do not deny yourself. Eat to satisfy your body."  He also said, "There is no river like craving." meaning desire is limitless. If you chase desire because you believe it will bring you happiness, you are chasing a dragon. That doesn't mean that you should not enjoy chocolate, or cake, or meaningful sex (casual sex could be debated). It means that at the bottom of that bag of Oreos, all you will find is disappointment. 

 

The bond with children is a bit deeper topic. 

I love my children. I desire them to be close. That is fine. But I must also accept that they are not MINE to keep. They will pass through my home. When they are no longer physically dependent on me, they WILL leave. Tragically, they may leave me sooner than that. This is outside of my control. Even as they are still here, and as I hold them close, they will pull away, and I MUST allow and respect that. My 11 yo does not sleep in my bed anymore. My 3 yo no longer nurses. To try to force that on them would be wrong. I must begin to let go, even as my baby leaves my body at the moment of birth, the separation begins. 

 

How I treat them now, as they depend on me, and are under my physical control will determine how long they choose to stay and how solid our relationship remains. I can take personal responsibility for my actions toward them, but I must allow space to form between us. In that sense,

 

"Attachment" in the Buddhist sense is not the same as attachment in psychology or parenting jargon. Attachment in the first sense refers to expectation. I expect certain behaviors from my children. I expect kind, polite words, good manners, obedience/compliance, meaningful interaction, affection, dutiful behavior, etc. I won't always receive it. In those cases, I need to form nonattachment. I cannot own their behavior. It is not mine to control. I should not manipulate my children's behavior to satisfy my own desires. I mean. I CAN to some extent, but that is wrong. 

 

Attachment in the second case means forming a strong and intimate, trusting relationship in which a child feels safe and secure and believes his needs will be met. This is good. This allows the child to feel safe and confident and venture out on his own. Very different things. 

 

Nonattachment does not mean I don't love my kids. It doesn't mean I don't care what happens to them. It means that I recognize them as separate, complete individuals who make their own choices and suffer their own consequences. My being and self-worth cannot be tied to their behavior, because they are not in charge of me and my feelings. To make them responsible for my feelings is wrong. 

 

This is hard. We do love our children. We are possessive of them. It's hard to acknowledge that we really have very little power in this scenario. We want to believe that if we do everything right, we will get the results we want. But that isn't true. 

[Desert Strawberry]

Just following.  Forgive me if this has already been covered.

 

I've always enjoyed reading about Buddhism.  I will admit the last Buddhism book I read went really into the whole "denial of desire/feelings" thing that turned me off, though.  A lot of talk about even things like parenting and loving your children as something you shouldn't hold on to.  I was going through PPD and probably translated it in my head wrong, though.  What are your views on parenting as a Buddhist or how desire is handled?  I'm more than ok with desiring chocolate cake and teA and that making me come back as a wooly worm. 

 

Also, how does it feel as someone in the South who leans toward or is fully Buddhist?  Do you face weird comments, ostracism, or rudeness?  Or is there more acceptance in your area?  Are you able to find community (if desired)?

 

I didn't finish answering your questions. 

 

May I just clarify that animal reincarnation is not a Buddhist concept. I believe it mainly occurs in Hinduism. You will not be punished by Karma. You will only take longer to accomplish enlightenment. 

 

At first, I had some odd conversations regarding my faith. I never saw anything negative, just a blatant dismissal of my faith. I think Buddhism is poorly understood that it isn't even a thing. I learned to speak Christianese, and now I can have spiritual discussions in which we all understand each other. Our language does not have words for many Buddhist concepts. We try to create them, by they are foreign and contrived. By using the accepted vernacular for similar concepts, we can have freer conversation. 

 

There are Sanghas (temples) here, but they are not of my school. It would be a bit like a Baptist going to Catholic church. The basics are similar, but the trappings are so different as to nullify the benefit. So, kind of? 

Geographically, I am too far away to attend regularly. 

[mommymilkies]

I didn't finish answering your questions. 

 

May I just clarify that animal reincarnation is not a Buddhist concept. I believe it mainly occurs in Hinduism. You will not be punished by Karma. You will only take longer to accomplish enlightenment. 

 

At first, I had some odd conversations regarding my faith. I never saw anything negative, just a blatant dismissal of my faith. I think Buddhism is poorly understood that it isn't even a thing. I learned to speak Christianese, and now I can have spiritual discussions in which we all understand each other. Our language does not have words for many Buddhist concepts. We try to create them, by they are foreign and contrived. By using the accepted vernacular for similar concepts, we can have freer conversation. 

 

There are Sanghas (temples) here, but they are not of my school. It would be a bit like a Baptist going to Catholic church. The basics are similar, but the trappings are so different as to nullify the benefit. So, kind of? 

Geographically, I am too far away to attend regularly. 

Thanks for your response! Much clearer, now.  I will say I'm disappointed, though.  I wouldn't mind coming back as a leopard provided I don't need to lick my rear. :p  No, seriously.  I was a philosophy major and reincarnation was talked a lot in one of my classes.  It's one thing I've held on to despite my other changing beliefs. 

[Desert Strawberry]

strawberrymama, if you come back to this thread, I had a question.  This came up in a discussion I was having with a friend the other day.  Is there the belief in a God / divinity in Buddhism?  

Kind of. 

 

It depends how you define the terms. 

 

Some schools have lots of gods, demons, assorted mythical creatures. I don't ascribe to those and can't speak for them. Those beliefs do not come Buddha, but from the existing cultures which have mingled with Buddhist teachings. 

 

There is no sentient god. Divinity could be argued. 

 

Karma is the force that makes everything happen. It is life, it is motion, it causes growth and love and change. It runs through all things. We are all made up of Karma just as we are all made up of matter. 

 

Karma is not conscious. Karma does not feel. It does not care. It is not aware. Karma is not angry, or vengeful, forgiving or pleased. We can be conscious of Karma. It is like gravity. We can feel it. We can use it. We can defy it. We can suffer by it. But it does not care. 

 

The best description of the effects of our interactions with Karma is "What goes around comes around." This is true. If you are kind and generous and loving without expectation, you will receive generosity, kindness, love. If you are selfish and cruel and nasty and rude, others will be ungenerous, hurtful, nasty and rude to you. This is not punishment. This is just the way it works. 

 

Now, there are other factors which we generally attribute to god, like destiny. Yes, we believe in destiny. We do believe there is a right and wrong choice in every situation. We believe there is a predetermined path which we must travel. But there is no great designer who is measuring the yarn or writing our tale. Is just is. Like gravity will continue to press you down into the Earth, Destiny will continue to stand before you. The Earth isn't hugging you to it because it loves you and wants to hold you safe and close. Gravity isn't trying to oppress you and push you into the dirt. Gravity just is. You need to learn to live with it and maybe make it work for you. 

 

Meditation allows us a view into the oneness of the Universe. We often use phrases like "the Universe is speaking to me". Uh, kind of. Not really. But that is how we interpret it. It feels that way because that is how we interact with our world. But really we are just joining the cosmic forces that run though us as they run through all things. Meditation is all about stilling the conscious mind to tap into the flow of the universe that is here, right now, all the time. Just like in mindfulness meditation we take a moment to feel the seat beneath us, to feel gravity pushing us down into the earth, to listen to our own breath, in rhythm with all of life around us. 

 

So, if by god, you mean, is there a magical something by which all entities are ruled? Yes. It affects us here, in the afterlife, on all planes, throughout the universe (I won't get into all the afterlife/multiple planes of existence stuff because that isn't my area of knowledge. There is plenty of that to explore if you wish). 

 

If by god, you mean a creator with whom we can directly interact, then no. Not really. 

[Desert Strawberry]

Admittedly, I am not a Buddhist. But I think Buddhist teachings on desire are often misunderstood. Desire is the underpinning of human life, the engine that drives us to eat, to sleep, to love and to live. Desire is essential for existence in a way.

 

Often though we experience suffering when our desires clash with the inevitable course of events that are outside our control. For example, if one loves ice-cream but is not allowed to eat it (for whatever reason - maybe health), one can let that fact cause anguish. A practicing Buddhist will however choose to observe her feelings, the causes of her annoyance and deal with them maybe by letting go of that desire, or maybe by working on accepting her current health problems.

 

The teaching is not about denying or suppressing desire, but about evaluating it and working on it. I think there a beauty and simplicity in this teaching and I don't view it negatively at all.

This is an excellent explanation and one aspect I didn't address. 

 

The end result is FREEDOM from desire. Not SUPPRESSION of desire. 

 

I don't like ice cream. I don't care to eat it. I am not suppressing my desire. I have no desire. It doesn't matter that it doesn't agree with me (it doesn't), because I don't care for it anyway. Yay me! 

 

At the root of our desire is something unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. When we search for that emptiness, we often find that we no longer need to fill it. 

 

I tend to be lonely. I can deal with this two ways. I can surround myself with other people, or I can determine what I am desiring and begin to fill that need myself. 

Often, people who need people are deeply uncomfortable with themselves. Dissatisfied with their own companionship. I am not enough for me. 

I have chosen to fill my home with people whom I love. I have no regrets there :) But, this is a temporary solution. Eventually, I will again be alone with myself. 

1. I have satisfied my need for companionship. Nothing wrong with that. Just as we eat to nourish our bodies, you commune with others to fulfill that need. Monks live together, after all. 

2. I have explored-and continue to explore-WHY I feel this need. I was a lonely child. I was a lonely young adult. I rarely have the chance to be lonely now  <_< , but I have a new appreciation for the tranquility of solitude, and I have invested in myself to such a degree that I find myself good company. I doubt I will ever take off to a hermitage in the mountains by myself, but I don't feel sad if I have an afternoon to myself. 

3. I can let go of some of this desire. By 1 and 2, I find I now longer have this overwhelming desire. I have not suppressed. It is just gone. Or at least, considerably less. 

[Desert Strawberry]

Wow! This thread ended way to soon. It was really interesting. I actually read Buddhism for Dummies few years back and it did a nice job covering the who, where,when, what basics.

 

I am enjoying this discussion very much. Y'all have made me work pretty hard at these questions. :D I really didn't think I knew as much about my faith as I apparently do. 

 

I want to apologize if the language I have used sounds a bit new-agey. I tried to limit that and stick to the most straight-forward explanations possible. I know many Buddhist writings are so cryptic that I find the meaning is pretty well lost in the miasma. It's a bit tragic, because Buddha himself was a clear teacher and very easy to understand ( in translation, of course). 

[Desert Strawberry]

Thanks for your response! Much clearer, now.  I will say I'm disappointed, though.  I wouldn't mind coming back as a leopard provided I don't need to lick my rear. :p  No, seriously.  I was a philosophy major and reincarnation was talked a lot in one of my classes.  It's one thing I've held on to despite my other changing beliefs. 

Reincarnation was the belief I came to first, I think. To me, it's so apparent that everything in nature is cyclical, life and death MUST be as well. 

 

I have not yet refined my belief in the soul remaining intact vs returning to a mass spiritual reservoir. I guess the latter would be Nirvana, and it's desire that holds the soul together as one intact mass until desire is no more. 

 

^Epiphany. 

[Desert Strawberry]

This is awesome. I've read several books on Buddhism and enjoy learning about it. I will have tons of questions when I'm home from work and have time to think. However, I frequent a Thai restaurant nearby and there is a Buddha statue with lots of gifts around it. Every day it is different: a bottle of water, some change, some crackers, a little pile of candies, etc. Are they offering gifts to him? Why? Can I leave some, too? Christy

 

I don't keep a shrine in my home. When I lived in Japan, I visited many temples and shrines and left offerings (coins) as a matter of custom, and in support of the monks. I confess, even though I have read explanations, I don't really understand very well.

 

Here's a very brief explanation of the meanings of offering practices (which do vary quite a bit). I belief Thai Buddhism is of the Theravada school (and the offerings are proscribed). I am more familiar with the Zen practices, which I find a bit simpler and more directly symbolic. 

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Offering_(Buddhism)

 

yes, a few coins would be appropriate, imo. I have not made offering to someone else's Buddha (besides a temple), but I always touch him before I pass, if I can. This is a gesture of respect and unity. Some people will say "for luck". 

[Desert Strawberry]

Did I get everyone? Phwew. These are tough questions! Excellent thread. 

[ChristyB in TN]

Thank you, that helps a lot.

[Scrub Jay]

Thank you for the Pema Chodron rec.  I just ordered this for my Kindle.

[fraidycat]

Thank you for the Pema Chodron rec. I just ordered this for my Kindle.

Katherine, I hope everything is okay.

 

:grouphug: