Joanne Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Why did you and your husband get married if you did not intend to be monogamous? What is the point of marriage? I can't answer for the OP. But of the more than a few people I know who live non traditional romantic lives, those who *marry* do so because they value the stable unit (often particularly with respect to children) and they value commitment to each other in terms of length of relationship, shared responsibility, shared vision, etc. Often they make a distinction between commitment to a person and relationship and "monogamy". They believe that people can be committed, and faithful even, while allowing for intimate time spent with others. It's hard to describe to people who hold monogamy as THE standard or reason for marriage. I personally "get it" because while I would someday welcome companionship again, and would consider allowing that to continue for a lifetime, I am not feeling a strong desire to attach the expectation of monogamy should that relationship develop. . Why do people live this way? To be different? To meet certain desires? What are the benefits and consequences? In terms of the "swinger" lifestyle, they participate because it's fun, they enjoy the settings and activities associated with the varieties of varied sexual experience. They clearly don't hold a spiritual or sexual belief that the exclusive "couple" model is the inherent standard. Also, there are degrees and variations. There are "soft" swingers who will play sexually with other couples while with their partner. There are some who will kiss and fondle but not have sex. And there are "hard" swingers who will do the former as well as have "open" marriages in which the parties can be intimate with others without their committed partner. Benefits: Fun, not "confined" by traditional rules Consequences: If one of the persons in a committed relationship in the community changes their perspective, or never was "open" to begin with, it can break the unit. Hurt feelings and jealousy are minimized essentially because the participants don't value sexually monogamous as *their* standard. From a "professional" standpoint on the negatives, I'd add a greater percentage of people who abuse chemicals and an increased need to be very aware of dangerous times for romantic units (grief, trauma, stress, health issues). People I have known in that community (the swingers, not necessarily people embracing a polyamory model) don't believe sex with others is a threat to their intact, committed relationship, and they don't see it as against the marriage they've created. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I am only to the end of page one so if this question was asked ignore me. Do you ever worry about busy bodies making judgements about your family and putting in calls to places like child welfare just to cause trouble? I know this happens to people from all walks of life but it gets easily closed if the family is mainstream and is more closely investigated when they are not (speaking from experience though not for poly-anything). The poly-lifestyle has always intrigued me but from a motherhood standpoint that aspect always made me think it was for people without kids kwim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 If it works for them, why not? Where else could I actually ask "why?" if not in a discussion such as this? Several people asked variations on that same question, and the OP answered it candidly—which I appreciate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I know it keeps needing to be said that poly~amory and ~gamy/ ~andry isn't necessarily the same! Just to clarify, Polyandry is a type of polygamy. Gam = marriage, andro = man, gyn = woman. So all multiple marriages are "polygamy," with polygyny being the proper term for multiple-wife marriage. However, polygamy tends to be used interchangeably with polygyny because polyandry is a relatively rare practice across societies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 Did you have a dog before GF moved in? If so, how has the pet adjusted to having another female boss around? (Also, if so, is the dog male or female?) If GF became severely injured or disabled and she needed long term care (like in Ethan Frome), would you consider being her main ltc provider? Is the word concubine used very much by polyamorists to describe multiple female households? (eta: I realize there is no reason to limit this to female) Thank you! We have no pets. We would take care of GF unless she abruptly became incapable of decision making and her family (18yo. Son) decided to prevent us from doing so. Which I can't fathom he would. Some polyamorists in the BDSM community might use the term "concubine" to describe a certain type of submissive relationship, but it's not used by polyamorous people generally because it has connotations of ownership which do not fit the egalitarian structure of our relationships--and even in the BDSM community the connotation is different than the traditional meaning of the term, because consent is a core ethic in that lifestyle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I am only to the end of page one so if this question was asked ignore me. Do you ever worry about busy bodies making judgements about your family and putting in calls to places like child welfare just to cause trouble? I know this happens to people from all walks of life but it gets easily closed if the family is mainstream and is more closely investigated when they are not (speaking from experience though not for poly-anything). The poly-lifestyle has always intrigued me but from a motherhood standpoint that aspect always made me think it was for people without kids kwim Not really. The legal standard for considering adult relationships is whether there is actual harm caused to the child by those relationships. If that can be shown, it could play into the best-interests standard in a custody battle. I don't worry too much about that sort of thing, at least in Arizona. The legal landscape here is such that they really have more important fish to fry. OTOH, if TSHTF somehow, whoever needed to be gone would be gone. Our kids come first--all 3 of us agree on that. Poly friends with kids have the same philosophy--though one friend did have some serious worries about her husband's parents. They were kept in the dark until they had to be told because her husband's girlfriend was expecting and they didn't want the kids to have to keep secrets from grandparents. Fortunately they didn't take it as badly as she feared they might. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Thanks for taking time to answer all these questions. I don't think my question has been covered yet... How do you handle reproducing. I mean, do only husband/wife plan on reproducing? Would dh and gf having a child together be an option? Of course I understand not all pregnancies are planned, but would all involved parties be included in the planning of a pregnancy? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Why did you and your husband get married if you did not intend to be monogamous? What is the point of marriage? The OP answered for himself, but I'll add another answer here. DH and I married only because of the legal advantages - specifically health insurance at the time. I had no intention to ever marry anyone and would happily have remained in a long-term relationship without legal marriage. However, during various points throughout our relationship, only one of us had access to health insurance through work and we couldn't afford private insurance, making marriage the most practical choice for us. There was a deadline for open enrollment, so we went to the clerk's office and signed the necessary paperwork. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 The OP answered for himself, but I'll add another answer here. DH and I married only because of the legal advantages - specifically health insurance at the time. I had no intention to ever marry anyone and would happily have remained in a long-term relationship without legal marriage. However, during various points throughout our relationship, only one of us had access to health insurance through work and we couldn't afford private insurance, making marriage the most practical choice for us. There was a deadline for open enrollment, so we went to the clerk's office and signed the necessary paperwork. Money was a factor for us as well. I was in the Navy when we married, and it almost doubled my take-home pay. I was a geographical bachelor for the first 2 years of our marriage. If not for the financial and health benefits, we'd have at least waited for the end of my enlistment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Thanks for taking time to answer all these questions. I don't think my question has been covered yet... How do you handle reproducing. I mean, do only husband/wife plan on reproducing? Would dh and gf having a child together be an option? Of course I understand not all pregnancies are planned, but would all involved parties be included in the planning of a pregnancy? Thanks! DH and I agreed early in our marriage that he would biologically father children of our marriage (legally, any child I had would be presumed his anyway). GF had her tubes tied after her second DS was born, long before joining our family, so that was never an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tawlas Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 My dh our live-in gf (which is a term I don't like cause it sort of inadvertently implies some sort of hierarchy) and I have really enjoyed reading this thread :). Thanks for starting it - some of your answers have been spot on for us and I've got a few nice answers for those questions that always seem to come up. We live on a ranch an hour from a small community and we've tried to keep things very under to the radar for business's and our kids' sakes. I appreciate your honesty and bravery :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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