myfunnybunch Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Blaming the parents does do one thing: it makes the world seem like a more predictable place and gives people a false sense of control, security, and superiority. It helps a person feel like, "That could never happen to me because I am a good parent." It takes some of the scary random chaos quotient out of the equation. That makes people feel better but is poison for the family trying to deal with a truly mentally ill kid. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. I just couldn't do it last night. I understand that a stepmom in this situation could find it very tempting to blame the child and point fingers at the girl's bio parents, but the reality is that parenting a child with these kinds of issues often looks very different than parenting a typical child/teen, especially after years and years of chaos and desperately trying to find a way to parent the child effectively. If the stepmom is the one mentally framing this extreme situation as simply a spoiled child with rotten parents, she's best off stepping away from the situation altogether, whatever that looks like for her and her husband. That kind of thinking is a normal way of coping with this kind of situation and behavior, and it's also likely that her frame of mind is making the situation worse. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Really, Joanne? A "violation?" No names, you don't even know who I am let alone who my friend is or who this girl is. Please. But whatever, I deleted it, I think the ship has now sailed. I'd probably give a lot of weight to Joanne's opinion in this context. Considering her profession she's probably had a lot of training and experience in the ethics of sharing information. I think you've taken steps to protect the identity of those involved but posting the text still makes a very private communication public. There's likely enough information here in the thread and about you generally on the forum for someone who knows you to identify you and then identify the girl. I know people have mentioned being"made" here by IRL friends or acquaintances before. I hope this helps.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I didn't say they were one big happy family; I said that they put the needs of the children first. Her children need their biological father in their lives. Just because he was a lousy husband who cheated on her doesn't mean that he's a lousy father. She chose to get remarried and then to move with her new husband when he got a new job. It is absolutely in the best interest of her children to do what she can to foster a strong relationship now that they no longer have their biological father living locally. I'm not saying that this is what everyone can or should do, but it is an example of what it looks like to put the kids first in a blended family. My friend is fortunate that they are well-off and live in a large home with a first floor guest suite. The situation is still a little awkward, but she values her children's bond with their father more than her own discomfort over hosting her ex. She's not the only person I've known who has done this, though. There is nothing "messed up" about trying to facilitate visitation in a long-distance situation. In fact, my friend's current husband's ex (who moved along with them and is also a friend of mine) has remarried since moving here and had a child with her new husband. My friend has watched their child (the half-sibling of her stepchildren) while they've gone on vacation. Why not? She loves her stepchildren, and this is their half-sibling. Wouldn't a mature adult want to foster relationships between the children? It's not their fault that the adults in their lives have made poor choices that disrupted their families of origin. These kids (all of them) are some of the most grounded, mature teens I have ever met. All of them are doing great, and I will freely attribute it to great parenting on the part of all the parents involved. They don't let their own anger, resentment, or awkwardness spill over onto the kids, and everyone has benefitted. I only hope that I could be so gracious in similar circumstances. I don't think it has to be anger, resentment or awkwardness that would keep a person from having their ex spend the night in their house with them. I would call it boundaries. I know all about facilitating visitation and fostering relationships with ones child and the other parent. It isn't easy. The OPs friend is in the middle of a nightmare IMO. Although I agree that the child has to be given top priority for the moment, I also feel the friend/new wife is important too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't think it has to be anger, resentment or awkwardness that would keep a person from having their ex spend the night in their house with them. I would call it boundaries. I know all about facilitating visitation and fostering relationships with ones child and the other parent. It isn't easy. The OPs friend is in the middle of a nightmare IMO. Although I agree that the child has to be given top priority for the moment, I also feel the friend/new wife is important too. :iagree: I'm also not sure where anyone is getting the impression that the friend hasn't been trying to be helpful or supportive in this situation. She even went so far as to allow the girl to live with her and her dh, until the girl's behavior made it impossible for that to continue. Again, I blame the dh, not the friend. Why shouldn't the friend expect some degree of priority in her relationship with her husband? If he can't handle having both a wife and his children, he never should have remarried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 :iagree: I'm also not sure where anyone is getting the impression that the friend hasn't been trying to be helpful or supportive in this situation. She even went so far as to allow the girl to live with her and her dh, until the girl's behavior made it impossible for that to continue. Again, I blame the dh, not the friend. Why shouldn't the friend expect some degree of priority in her relationship with her husband? If he can't handle having both a wife and his children, he never should have remarried. The friend, extrapolated from the OP, has an adversarial and hostile relationship with the troubled teen. That is on HER. In a relationship with "intact" bio parents, the acute needs of children should take precedence. In a step situation, the way to address the situation is even more nuanced and complicated. What *doesn't* work or help is an adversarial response to a hurting, challenged teen. What doesn't help are continued stands to assert status in the hierarchy of relationship and love. What doesn't work is assuming negative intent on the teen. What doesn't work is chronic framing of the other parent/first wife as "spoiling". What doesn't work is withdrawal or intent to suggestion to withdrawal support, love, affection, and time. Changing those things may or may not impact the teen in the short, intermediate, or long term. But unless those changes are made, no adult in the picture can say they've "done everything." Staying with night at an ex spousal home is not inherently wrong or boundaryless. It can absolutely be a healthy way to co-parent, depending on the people involved and circumstances. What I haven't read is anything about feedback from the professionals involved, the step mom getting good counsel herself on step family dynamics and parenting teens, or any treatment plan components involving the parents. The OP and subsequent posts centered on a text (the publically shared words of a teen) and the wrong behavior of the teen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 The friend, extrapolated from the OP, has an adversarial and hostile relationship with the troubled teen. That is on HER. In a relationship with "intact" bio parents, the acute needs of children should take precedence. In a step situation, the way to address the situation is even more nuanced and complicated. What *doesn't* work or help is an adversarial response to a hurting, challenged teen. What doesn't help are continued stands to assert status in the hierarchy of relationship and love. What doesn't work is assuming negative intent on the teen. What doesn't work is chronic framing of the other parent/first wife as "spoiling". What doesn't work is withdrawal or intent to suggestion to withdrawal support, love, affection, and time. Changing those things may or may not impact the teen in the short, intermediate, or long term. But unless those changes are made, no adult in the picture can say they've "done everything." Staying with night at an ex spousal home is not inherently wrong or boundaryless. It can absolutely be a healthy way to co-parent, depending on the people involved and circumstances. What I haven't read is anything about feedback from the professionals involved, the step mom getting good counsel herself on step family dynamics and parenting teens, or any treatment plan components involving the parents. The OP and subsequent posts centered on a text (the publically shared words of a teen) and the wrong behavior of the teen. I have to be honest with you, Joanne. In a perfect world, everyone would be supporting the girl and doing everything they could to help her, and everything would center around making sure she was OK. But in reality, I can absolutely understand the friend having an adversarial relationship with this girl. I don't know about you, but I might be able to deal with the girl being nasty to me, but once she got violent with my son, all bets would be off and she would be out of my house. Period. No second chances. And would I have lingering hostile feelings toward the girl as a result of her attack on my son? You bet I would. Additionally, I don't think we can automatically take the girl's side in this situation, just because she's the kid and the friend is the adult. This isn't a 6yo. This girl is 16 years old, and we don't know how much of her behavior can be classified as mental illness and how much may be deliberate, manipulative, and well-planned actions to try to get rid of her new stepmother -- and it sounds like her behavior toward her stepfather is very similar, so it seems like she wants him out of the picture as well. Again, clearly this girl needs professional help. I'm just not willing to throw the stepmom under the bus and assume that all of her motives are selfish. I would suspect that many of the things she has told I.Dup were out of incredible frustration with the girl's behavior, the dh's reactions to it, and a feeling that she is helpless to change the situation. I feel sorry for the girl because her life isn't going the way she'd hoped, but I also feel sorry for the friend -- for much the same reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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