Adoption----seeking bio family members--how would you do this?

[Ottakee]

My girls are adopted and would like to find their bio siblings. The bio father is deceased and it appears the bio mother is as well.

 

They have 6 older bio siblings with 5 other fathers. One was adopted in Iowa, the other 5 in Florida into at least 3 different families......that makes 2 states and likely 4 or more adoptive families.

 

On the positive, all of the kids are now over 18. We have birth names, locations, birth dates, date and location of removal, etc. on all of the siblings. For a few of them we have dates of termination of parental rights and I think we have an adoption date for 1 or more of them. Even a likely new last name of one sibling.

 

The bad part, NONE of them are even aware that my girls exist as my girls were born in TX and MI after the other kids were all removed, terminated, and adopted out.

 

Any ideas on how to start this process? Would an adoption worker in the county that did the adoption be helpful? I am not sure which records are sealed, open, filed in some basement somewhere, etc.

 

We are more than willing to go through a social worker/agency for initial contact, etc. in case one or more of the siblings decides they don't want to meet, share information, etc.

 

My girls have very very rare mitochondrial disorders and it would be helpful to know if any of the siblings have the same thing and if so the presentation/treatment, etc.

 

Anyone been there, done that in searches?

 

My son has contact to various degrees with his 5 siblings from his mom and just in the past 2-3 years met his bio father who had not seen him in over 20 years as well as 2 1/2 brothers he didn't know he had. The girls would like to at least know who their siblings are and maybe share pictures, etc.

[Spryte]

DH went through a social worker in the county where his adoption occurred. She is an adoption worker, but wears many more hats.

 

If any of the states have a mutual consent registry, the social worker will check that first. Then begin the process of opening sealed records, if necessary.

 

For DH, it was not a quick process - 4 years from beginning the process to contact. This was not the SW's top priority, and she required some prodding. DH has had contact with birthfamily for several years now, but no meetings.

 

For DH's sister ... She started the process and within 3 weeks had met birthfamily.

 

Some states are obviously easier than others, but I think DSS would be a good place to start, if that's who handled the adoptions.

 

Good luck! It's quite a journey.

[Murmer]

Facebook!  So many people have found birth family on there...and you have a lot of information.  We found both our children's birthmothers on there, and opened up adoptions that way.

[Ravin]

Getting on mutual consent registries in the relevant states is a good place to start.

[Rose in BC]

My son found his birthmother on Facebook within two weeks of starting.

[Ottakee]

how would I search facebook if I don't know their adoptive last names (and first names might have been changed as well)? Also, the older girls could easily have a married name by this point.

[Kathryn]

I think people may have missed the fact that the bio-parents are dead.

[Rose in BC]

I think people may have missed the fact that the bio-parents are dead.

I should have mentioned my son found his birthmother on Facebook by finding two siblings first...they still had last name he was born with. Birth mom's name had changed.

[Spryte]

I promise I'm not knocking Facebook searches here.  :)  Just adding to the multitude of complexities in a search.  As if you need more!

 

OP, you said this:  "We are more than willing to go through a social worker/agency for initial contact, etc. in case one or more of the siblings decides they don't want to meet, share information, etc."

 

Since that's on your mind, you may want to examine your feelings (and your kids') about that a bit more before breaking out the Facebook search.

 

We have seen some threads here about people being contacted via Facebook by birthsiblings, and there seemed to be some suspicion from some.  I don't know if you'd want to factor that into your decision about how to search?  How your reaching out via Facebook might be perceived/received?  Would the outcome possibly be different if the search didn't go through Facebook?

 

Also, if you want to give the birthfamily a chance to simply, well, not engage... Would Facebook allow for that?  Obviously, they could ignore or decline a friend request, but would that leave you wondering if they received it?  If they understood?  If you had the right person?

 

There aren't any right answers here, just things to consider.  Facebook might give you great results, and fast.  It works for so many!

 

For DH, searching the way he did, through a social worker at DSS... He had *some* answers before contact.  His birthfamily was very reluctant to open up any contact.  There were some advantages to the way DH searched, for him.  First, he had to answer some questions (written) and do some soul searching about what would happen in a variety of outcomes to his search.  Sort of a no brainer, but it was helpful in some ways.   Next, and most importantly, it gave him some peace.  DSS's social worker did indeed find his birthfamily, and she could not give him much info, but she could tell him how things were progressing while they agonized over whether to a.) acknowledge they were the right people and b.) allow for any contact.  In fact, after a few years, once they decided on contact - it was only very limited, and they would not have agreed without an intermediary.  All contact went through the SW at first.  Then it built enough trust to exchange emails, then very quickly moved to more personal info.  

 

And just to add one more component, after DH had started his search, and we knew the birthfamily was hesitant and deciding (but taking forever!)... DH inadvertently learned his birthname.  And could have easily found them.  But DH was determined to be sure to respect their privacy and their wishes.  He outright refused to contact them on his own, going around the SW and contacting them directly.  He wanted them to feel "safe" with an intermediary.  Okay, I admit, I was anxious and ready to move things forward, and thought he was crazy.  But it paid off.  They were afraid of just that type of behavior, and his patience helped build trust.

 

So... all that to say... Think through it all, your feelings, your kids' feelings, and figure out what you can all live with, long-term.  

 

I hope you find the answers that work for you!

 

 

[Ottakee]

It is just tougher as the siblings would have no idea that my girls exist and the birth parents are deceased (not sure on bio fathers of the siblings). They were all removed through the foster care system from some not so very good situations.

 

That is why I am thinking that maybe an agency might be the best way to go so that they have time to adjust to the idea of siblings and then can decide what type of contact, if any, they want.

 

Since my girls have some special needs and we have legal guardianship now of the 18 year old through the courts due to her delays it might be better to go slowly, etc. and have the contact go more through the worker to me, etc. and then we can decide what is best.

[Spryte]

It is just tougher as the siblings would have no idea that my girls exist and the birth parents are deceased (not sure on bio fathers of the siblings). They were all removed through the foster care system from some not so very good situations.

 

That is why I am thinking that maybe an agency might be the best way to go so that they have time to adjust to the idea of siblings and then can decide what type of contact, if any, they want.

 

Since my girls have some special needs and we have legal guardianship now of the 18 year old through the courts due to her delays it might be better to go slowly, etc. and have the contact go more through the worker to me, etc. and then we can decide what is best.

 

I think that makes sense, in your case.  It could come as a real shock to the siblings, and having someone to help guide them through the process may help them as well.  It could be helpful for you and your girls, too.  It's definitely been helpful for DH's birthfamily, and for DH as well, to have someone familiar with the process and emotions on board as an intermediary.

 

However you opt to do it, it's exciting and nerve-wracking all at once.  Wishing you the very best on the journey!

 

Our kiddos both have open adoptions, which have worked well, so we've only done this with DH.  It's been quite a learning experience.  

[katilac]

I would start with the mutual consent registry. Just google "STATE NAME mutual consent registry" and you will find information and instructions. This is a standardized method that assures, well, mutual consent! It is for siblings over 18 as well as parents/children, so your oldest could be the one to register. My state registry requires that each party go in for an hour of counseling before they pass on the information. 

 

If there was no match, I might try simply googling the names and information that I do have. More likely, I would hire a private investigator that specializes in birth family services. You have a ton of information (that they will know how to utilize), so it's not likely to require an expensive or drawn-out investigation to find at least some of them. You can get a contract specifying what you are willing to pay for. It's easy to find an agency that will not only find the person, but make the initial contact. 

 

Personally, I would be horrified if someone posted my personal business on Facebook. That would be a definite last resort for me! I can see searching social media to gain more information, or MAYBE to send a private message if they aren't on a registry, but one of those "Searching for . . . " posts would have us off to a rocky start. Even if the person is glad you found them, such a public method is awkward and adds pressure.