What would you have done?

[ksr5377]

This weekend I dog-sat for my good friend while she and her family were out of town.  Due to scheduling issues, I took the dog back to her house yesterday evening so she wouldn't have to worry about picking him up.  When I dropped him off I was surprised to find her FIL at their home (he lives out of town).  He had decided to come down and surprise them by getting a lot of drywall work done on their bathroom remodel that's been going on for about 6 months.  My friend isn't super-close to her in-laws, but her husband is.  I would say they irritate her in typical in-law fashion, but they're really wonderful people, you know? 

 

Anyways, I didn't call my friend to let her know that he was there last night.  It occurred to me that she would get in late and be tired, but I thought the excitement of progress on their project would override that.  Apparently I was wrong, because she sent me a really angry email this morning about how I had violated her trust by not letting her know he was there and how obviously she's not thrilled with the surprise.   I'm trying to remember that she was probably really tired and emotional from her trip (they had a memorial service for a friend's 2.5 month old daughter, so not a fun time) but I do think she's going overboard.  Especially since just last week she was ranting to me about her FIL because they had ASKED him to come this weekend and work on the bathroom and he said he couldn't and she was getting frustrated by how long the project is taking.  So the issues isn't that he was there while they weren't, it's that she didn't know.  I feel like it's really a family thing, and that her FIL may have overstepped the boundaries, but had very good intentions in surprising them, and that it wasn't my place to be involved.  He cancelled plans and rearranged his schedule so that he could be there for 2 days doing physical labor by himself on THEIR house.  While I understand it wasn't her ideal, I think she's gone completely overboard in some of things she said to me.  Very hurtful things.  We have been friends since we were 13 and we never argue, so this is really bothering me. 

 

So I guess I'm just wondering if I was completely out of line by not calling her right away to tell her?  I'm also wondering how to respond to her email.  I feel it needs to be addressed soon, but maybe I need to cool off as well, because all I can think to say to her is stop overreacting.

[kewb]

I would simply tell her the truth about your thought process in person.  It is too easy to give a tone to email that is not there.  After that the ball is in her court.

[Joanne]

She's dumping her frustrations with family on you.

 

It seems that she wants the work done, but without the associated complications of expecting family to provide a typically paid for service.

 

I believe I would validate her anger, but hand her back the problem as it is not yours.

 

"Dear friend, I am sorry you feel frustrated and angry. I am not the cause of that, and I won't accept you dumping it on me. I hope you'll later not see my role in this as a violation of trust. Take care, and I love you."

[speedmom4]

Sounds like your friend might be a jerk. Maybe I'm wrong but she's totally overreacting and maybe it's a pattern for her.

 

Good luck!

 

Elise in NC

[J-rap]

I would just be very honest with with her about your feelings, as others have said.  This is her mess/problem, not yours.  How in the world would you have known what to do?  That was sweet of you to take care of her dog;  I don't think I would do it again!

[Cinder]

What Joanne said. Her problem with her FIL is between them but she's taking it out on you. :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

I don't get her anger toward you in this situation at all. I'd be honest and direct, and I'd say I'm sorry she's so upset and going through such a hard time but that I think her anger is unjustified. Let her know what your thinking was at the time. It would be better to talk to her on the phone or in person, as tone can be misread in email. That seems likely with an email reply because her reaction was so out of proportion to the "offense." I do understand your feeling that she may need time to cool off before you have a conversation, though. Maybe you could send her a card?

[ksr5377]

Thank you everyone.  I called her this evening and things are much better.  She actually apologized right away, and the whole thing has cleared.  I was right that the weekend was emotional and exhausting and that I took the brunt of what she wanted to say to FIL but couldn't.  Apparently their 2 year old had an allergic reaction on their trip as well, plus the 4 year old came down with a fever and was vomiting, on top of a 12 hour drive home.  I'm glad it's resolved but I'm also happy that it wasn't crazy I didn't call her to tattle on her FIL =)

[bolt.]

That was good of her. And it was good of you not to hold her senseless reaction against her in the meantime. I hope things settle well for her, and that your friendship remains strong.