Homeschooling stress: How do you deal with it?

[profmom]

I need some help dealing with stress because I can feel it affecting my health.  I try to be organized and also plan meals because that helps me not feel as stressed.  However, I am feeling more stress than I did in the summer!  Here, it's making sure my 9th grade ds stays on top of his school work, and also just the tightness of our routine/schedule for everything else.  I really tried not to over-do it!  This is our 12th year of homeschooling, and I know it's not possible to do it all.  However, I did choose a few teacher-dependent curricula for my 3rd grader, and I did think we could handle a day at co-op and a half day at CC each week. 

 

I bet exercise would help, but I've been having some annoying little health problems that make exercise difficult or impossible at times.  When those aren't bothering me, I'm afraid that exercise will aggravate them, so I don't do it.  Maybe I do need some kind of plan for gentle exercise, though.

 

Anyway, in general, I need strategies to help me to not feel stressed in the moments, such as when I ask my ds if he's finished something that is due soon for an online class.  What works for you?!  :bigear:

[HS Mom in NC]

When mine were doing high school I did the 36 week file folder system.  Everything the kid needed to have done by Friday at 3:00 was in the file folder.  They could decide what to do when and in what order, but it better be done on Friday at 3:00 or that's all they would do over the weekend and all extras and privileges would be cancelled for the next week.  They had to do school assignments during school hours until it was all done.  If they got done early, fine. If they wanted to go to a Thursday night/Friday morning midnight opening and sleep in on Friday after they got home, all their school had to be done on Thursday.

 

Is online school really a good fit for you and your family?

 

I would never be willing to get my kids on someone else's schedule using curriculum and assignments someone else chose.  It just wouldn't suit me.  Busy work is against my religion and educational philosophy.  I refuse to make my children do assignments or much review on material they've mastered. I'm really into customized education so anything an institution designs for the masses isn't a good match for me. Where do you stand on these issues?

 

That doesn't mean the online school is categorically poor quality. It doesn't mean online school isn't categorically a good fit for someone else. It means I know it's not a good fit for me and would cause me nothing but stress and frustration.   How is it for you?  Is it making your and your son's lives better?  Smoother?  Is it what he personally needs as an individual?  If it is, then it may be a personality/discipline issue with him.  If not, it may just be a bad curriculum fit for him.

 

Is it possible you're creating unnecessary stress for yourself by hovering?

 

What if you just didn't spend time and energy to nag/remind/ask/encourage him before a task is due?  Maybe he'll meet the deadline.  If he doesn't, it's not the end of the world.  Just decide what you'll do if he doesn't and then do that after you see he's missed his deadline.  Explain that to him up front. Then follow through if it happens.  He can be working on things on his own learning to manage his time in high school. It'll be good practice for college.

 

Curriculum/Assignment Problems?

 

Is your son reluctant to do things he can clearly see he doesn't really need to do? Are his time and energy being wasted on busy work?  Does this curriculum make interesting things (Science, Literature, History) painfully boring? Many do.  Does he need to move on to the next thing because he's already mastered this? 

 

Discipline/Personality Problems?

 

Is he generally someone who has a hard time staying focused and following through in other areas of his life?  Are there distractions he needs to get rid of? Does he generally drag his feet and fritter away his time with distractions? Is it possible he has an medically diagnosable and treatable attention problem? Is it a generally issue that needs to be addressed in all angles of his life or is it just school? Does he need to be more physically isolated for school?  Does he need to be in a more public part of the home so you can watch that he's on task without asking him questions?

 

 

 

 

Maybe yoga would be a good fit for exercise in your situation?

 

[trulycrabby]

How do I deal with stress? I yell at my husband! :lol:  Just kidding, I think!

 

Hot yoga helps me, but it's definitely everyone's cuppa. The breathing exercises do seem to carry over and help me stay calm during stressful moments. Kundalini yoga is especially relaxing/calming, and doesn't involve a 105F room. :o  

 

Good sleep is also a priority, Calm/magnesium is my friend.

[Lori D.]

FOR ME: #1 = swimming laps 3 times a week

It literally, physically throws off stress and anger or resentment that's built up, and releases endorphins so I feel happier and more relaxed. The forced, deep, regular breathing also helps reduce my stress and depression. Plus getting out of the house to do it gets me away regularly and away from everyone "needing" ME 24/7.

 

It is absolutely critical that I get this time, and if I can't swim, then I try to walk briskly or do walk/run intervals. Since you are experiencing some physical issues that limit your ability to exercise, you might look into swimming or water aerobics that would still give you a work-out, but not put pressure on an injury or aggravate health issues...

 

 

Other ideas:

- reduce number of outside activities

- work out carpooling so I'm not always driving

- get spouse involved to take on some of the schooling in evenings/weekends, OR, be responsible for grocery shopping once a week, or make 1-2 meals a week

- make crockpot meals first thing in the morning so by dinner time, dinner's done

- stop making everything myself (homemade bread, all salads from scratch, etc.), and buy some pre-made or pre-cut up things

to speed up/simply dinner-making

- family works together to deep-clean house once a week on Saturdays, and if I do meals, everyone else does dishes and kitchen clean-up -- AND let the rest GO during the week

- outsource the most time-consuming class or most dreaded (by you) class for your middle/high school aged students (tutor, online class, etc.)

- let the co-op "count" for younger students for one of your subjects and drop it at home to help reduce how much you have to juggle with home education

- enforced 1 hour quiet time after lunch -- everyone doing a quiet activity on their bed; you too -- read for pleasure, sleep, knit, play an instrument or listen to music -- whatever would give you peace and "fill your tank" for round two of the afternoon/evening

- 20 minutes of a relaxation tape; deep breathing and relaxation exercises; try stress reduction techniques

- start your day with gentle core-strengthening and stretching out to release stress before you "pile on more" from the new day

- watch what you eat -- avoid sugars, caffeine, processed foods, and carbs; eat several protein and fruit/veggie snacks at mid-morning and mid-afternoon to keep energy up without the wicked rebound or fogginess that the let-down from sugars, caffeine, and carbs can cause

[prairiewindmomma]

Put your "you time" first. Block out time for exercise (deep water walking is no impact), rejuvenating for you (for me it is a weekly Girls Night Out at the home of a friend) and some down time (I spend at least 3 afternoons a week at home).

 

Make the rest of life fit around that. I try to do simple lunches and low fuss (crockpot or <45 min prep) suppers during the week.

 

We all break from 12-1pm. We eat lunch and have some chill time.

 

Do you need to rescue your 9th grader or could your child experience some natural consequences?

[freeindeed]

Following. I need some fresh ideas.

[HS Mom in NC]

If there are dishes in my sink I use paper plates. If we don't have much time to clean up after lunch or dinner I use paper plates.  I almost always use paper plates for lunch.

 

Every person in my house helps with cleaning, meal planning, grocery shopping, putting groceries away, and yard work.

 

Everyone over the age of 10 in my house does their own laundry-including my husband (he's very particular.)

 

I have a freezer full of frozen things people can nuke for themselves if lunch or dinner is a "fed for yourself" situation.  I prepare my own and my 8 year old's lunch or dinner in those situations.

I switched to the ps school schedule this year because my 8 year old can play more often with her best friend across the street who is in ps.  The year round schedule has more frequent breaks in it than what I used to do.  It's working for us now.

 

Even if you're not having a full blown crisis, you may find ideas here that are useful to you:
http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/476608-how-do-you-school-through-crisis/

 

My older two are in community college, so I'm only hsing one kid which is very different than hsing several.

[profmom]

I appreciate the help, guys!  I didn't really elaborate originally.  I think my stress level was at it's highest 2 years ago, when this ds started 7th grade.  I somehow subconsciously thought he'd become more independent and responsible like his sister had at that age, and I wasn't prepared to need to work with him.  After a couple of months, I started noticing that my body seemed to overreact to situations.  I can't really explain it, but the feeling that washed over me was too much for a situation like his not starting a paper that was due the next day, etc.  So, I made a decision at that point to not be as stressed and to try to work on it.  That cut down what I was feeling quite a bit, but my body still needed to get back to normal.  At that same time, I had developed tendonitis in both feet, and I was having trouble being on my feet for long (was even on crutches for a few weeks).  I had somehow overdone it with Zumba (which I loved) and/or the treadmill (which was probably the culprit with the incline).

 

He has improved so much over the past two years, but he still pushes things a little too close to deadlines for my comfort.  My theory is that if he would convert to allowing himself more time, he would see that it's so much less stressful and want to do that all the time.  =D  I don't read everything he turns in or monitor all his deadlines, but, if I notice something, I'll ask him about it.  I also want to see that he has planned out his assignments on his planner, which he's doing.  (I'm not completely sure that all of it is getting done according to his plan, though.)  The thing recently is that our church had a mission conference this past weekend, and ds didn't want to miss a session.  I assumed he had completed some things that he decided could wait.  

 

The Potter's School's online class do seem to be a good fit for our family.  I understand Homeschool Mom in AZ's concerns about turning over school decisions and busy work, but I don't feel that the kids have to do busy work with these classes.  I've always been picky about curricula too (which is why we haven't joined a program like CC Challenge where everything is chosen for every subject).  We pick and choose classes, after reading the descriptions and considering books used, and are still able to customize for each student (jr. high and up) with which classes, teachers, and levels we choose and whether or not we choose what is offered at TPS.  I've also been very impressed with TPS academically and in the way they incorporate a biblical worldview into their classes.  My high schoolers love it too, and I think it keeps us on track.  Since I am happy with TPS, I don't mind that I am not their main teacher.  (I know that is a deal-breaker for many homeschoolers, and it's not something we give up easily.)  However, whether or not to do online classes with TPS is something we consider every year with each of our students -- is this still the best option.  So far, it has been for most classes.  The hardest part for ds has been managing his workload during the week, since the classes meet either once or twice a week.  That, and just continuing to improve his study skills -- how much is enough studying for a test, reviewing Spanish vocab more often, allowing plenty of time for papers & revising, etc.  He's still managed to make A-'s and B's in everything.

 

Last year, the tendonitis was much improved, but other things became issues (neck & back, etc.)  Since the spring, I've noticed improvements in health with some supplements from a naturopathic doctor.  However, this week, I've noticed some old symptoms, even a bit of tendonitis, and I know that I need to nip stress in the bud.

 

Anyway, I went from not giving enough information to giving too much!  Now I'm going to read through your suggestions again and click on your links!  I appreciate the help!  I already implement some of your meal and chore suggestions, and my husband does our grocery shopping from the list I prepare when I plan our meals.  Also, my oldest just started driving, and that has cut down on my driving quite a bit!  I rarely have sugar -- it's usually in something like a sauce at an Asian restaurant, but I was thinking earlier that I should switch back to decaf coffee.  I realized yesterday that, with my 3rd grader, I should set a timer for some subjects and only work for 30 minutes vs. try to finish a certain amount.  The only subject for her that I really care about a certain number of lessons a week (4) is math.

 

Another source of stress is learning to be a high school guidance counselor for my junior!  There are just a lot of plates to keep spinning, huh?

 

I hadn't really thought about exercise in the way you guys are describing -- how it helps with stress.  That's good, and I should read more on the topic for motivation.

 

Thanks again, guys!  I will re-read your suggestions, go to your links, and think about more changes.  I appreciate your help!

[Critterfixer]

Dealing with the stress:

1) Exercise if you possibly can. But you will probably have trouble finding an exercise that will eliminate your stress. It's simply a way to cope. Often very effective, but I understand the issue with your feet. For me, only hard running seems to help, and I've got plantar fasciitis, so you can imagine what that's like after a few miles.

 

2)Make sure everyone is pulling their own weight. For the past few months I've experimented in giving my boys more and more responsibility for their own day. It's been rewarding to see them step up to the plate and give it a good swing. It's good for them, too.

 

3) Let unreasonable expectations go. I have this mental image of what I'm supposed to be and what my house will look like and my kids will act like. It's not bad, as long as I don't spend too much time looking in the mirror of my mind. It's an image. Not the real thing. The moment I start staring at it, usually because I'm looking for some way to distract myself from the present, I start to stress that I'm not the perfect person I wish I was.

 

4)Affirm everyone. It's sort of strange, but whenever I'm stressed, I feel like no one appreciates my work. Usually I find that I've stopped appreciating them as well. I set myself a goal to say three praises for everyone (including the dogs!) and it's the strangest thing! When I appreciate the DH, the boys, the dogs, the chickens, the bees, the great weather, I just start feeling better about everything. It's not so bad. Things are good, great even! I'm not quite able to figure out why that works, but it probably has to do with #3, in that it forces me to not just accept the way things are, but to appreciate them.

 

5) Make sure that your schedule reflects reality. If you are going to do outside activity, then probably something else has to drop off your schedule, and not just get shifted to another day. Sometimes the most organized folks forget that in the planning; and instead of limiting, they just put it on their day off!

 

6) Schedule "me" time and days off as if they were appointments that you would keep if you had to walk ten miles to get there. Don't shift housekeeping, school or other things into those slots. Decide what amount of quiet, restful time you need per day and take it every day like a vitamin against stress.

[duckens]

Chocolate.

 

LOTS of Chocolate.  :laugh:

 

 

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I hope you find what works for you.

[sbbulliv]

I love what everyone has had to say. I would just add maybe considering a small meditation or contemplative practice. Even 5 or 10 minutes of just watching your breath can be really helpful.

 

Also, I have recently been been enjoying Dr Sara Gottfried's website and book The Hormone Cure. She has a lot of good suggestions for dealing with stress hormone, cortisol.

[brookspr]

Yoga really helps me as well.  If you find a good instructor, they will be able to tell you how to modify certain poses if you have issues, like a bad knee or neck.  They can also tell you which poses would be good for alleviating some of the problems you have.  I also try to meditate a couple of times a day for 5-10 minutes.

 

A nice walk in the morning before anyone gets up really refreshes me.  If the weather doesn't co-operate, I do six sun salutations (yoga flow) and have a cup of tea.

 

 

[Runningmom80]

Running & yoga are saving my life right now.

[FloridaLisa]

Profmom,

 

Have you read the threads on the high school boards about boys?  Many of the things that you are describing about your son are true of boys this age in general.  Misery loves company, right?!  

 

No, but it does help to know that it's not just *him*, but more typical of boys and a second-born and the way they generally approach life.  Your dd is not only a girl (her brain is much more wired generally to organize and plan) but also a first-born.  Unlike most first-borns, your ds probably thrives on doing things when he's up against a deadline.  His brain is finally in gear and he can think and, most likely, create like a genius!  Yes, procrastinating until the deadline sometimes means missing it. But, that tension likely brings out the brilliance in him.  Once he suffers consequences, he will have to learn to better manage the deadlines.  If it's important enough to him, he probably won't work way ahead, but he'll learn to leave enough time to nail it. 

 

I've had 4 boys and one daughter in this stage or pass through this stage so far. By highschool, dd was organized, studied ahead of time, planned out and led group projects, communicated with professors/classmates, and, unless I was teaching the material, only needed me to buy materials.  At the end: wah-lah straight A's.  My ds's, though equally as smart, needing pushing and pulling and motivating and reminding and accountability.   :cursing:   It's maddening sometimes! This was especially true of online classes and much, much less true of IRL local classes, subjects that I taught and dual-enrollment classes.  I think my boys thrived from the competition and stimulation of the classroom.  Also, importantly, my ds's matured through this motivational *slump* and found a system that worked for them beautifully in dual-enrollment and post-graduation college.  I thought I would pull every single hair out with my oldest, but my hairdo has managed to survive so far.  :thumbup:

 

So, what's a mom to do? Here is some of what worked for us:

 

1) call Dad in. This is huge!  If Dad is available, let your little rooster become accountable to the big rooster and try to sideline yourself to be the encourager. 

 

2) put a system of accountability in place.   For us, this was a weekly grid with assignments in all classes and an end-of-week check. There was little to no checking once the boys hit their junior year as most of their classes were outsourced and they had matured through needing such oversight.

 

3) try to take your emotions out of it.  This was so hard for me but I realized my pride was completely tied up in how my dc were succeeding. I mean, I had sacrificed my time, talent, energy and LIFE to homeschool and I was so angry and disappointed when they would fail (not in grades; in our standards). I had to realize (and I have to keep processing through this) that I had made an idol out of my children and their accomplishments.  Instead, I needed to react to their failure to meet deadlines (disobedience) objectively.  Again, Dads are great at dispassionately handing out the discipline: (school's not done [and done well] then no spending the night with your friend. Sorry. Try again next week.)  One book I found VERY helpful was Tripp's Age of Opportunity.  I need to go re-read that!  

 

4) find out what classes work for your son.  My dd could have sat in front of the computer all day long and would have done great.  My boys maxed out at 2 online classes at a time.  I have tried very hard to find local opportunities for my boys and it's a bonus if a male is teaching.  

 

5) I think you are wise to outsource some or all of your ds's classes.  At some point, usually around 16, my boys were just done with me being their sole teacher. Again, they did much better where there was outside accountability and healthy competition.  

 

Hope some of this helps. Much grace to you today as you try to find a good balance,

Lisa

 

ETA: Edited!  Man, I must have been distracted yesterday. 

[Critterfixer]

I think I'll run over and check the threads on boys...as I have two young rooster chicks...