Dealing with dreams and possible disappointment?

[Laura Corin]

Calvin is aiming high in his university choices; he is making backup applications too (a total of five - which is the maximum under the UK common application) .  To reach his goal he has to work very hard for the next nine months.  Which is great - I am giving him whatever support I can.

 

I don't know how to help him balance the enthusiasm that he needs to attain his dream against dealing with possible disappointment.  His other choices are all good universities and he is interested in the courses.  But it would be hard on him - really hard - if he didn't get to his first choice.

 

Under the UK/IB system, he will get his results in July.  At that point he will be confirmed/turned down by the universities that had previously given him a conditional acceptance.  He will have at most a couple of months to prepare himself emotionally for whatever university it is that finally accepts him.

 

Any experience of aiming high, preparing for disappointment, dealing with disappointment?

 

Thanks

 

Laura

[regentrude]

We are in a similar situation, so can't offer and BTDT advice. What we are currently doing is to stress that the student shapes his college experience to a much larger degree than the school is shaping it, and that students get out of college what they put in. Yes, there are differences in schools - but ultimately there are many good choices, and we try to tell DD that we are convinced she will get a great education wherever she goes, because she has the skills and independence to learn, is open for new experiences, driven and ambitious, able to approach people and seek out learning experiences outside the standard offerings.

 

Now if any of this will help, I do not know. We are trying to prepare her for the very real possibility of rejection letters, which is basic statistics - many more people get rejected from the schools she is aiming for than get accepted. I just hope that she is grounded enough to deal with it without too much heartache. But overall, we are optimistic and showing her that we are, because I am truly convinced that you don't have to go to the top school to have a fabulous time in college and get a great education.

[Candid]

In the book 8 First Choices they emphasis having all the choices a student applies to (in your case 5) be schools the student really would want and be happy to go to.

 

I've also read that most students say they got into the school they wanted to go to. I suspect the human mind rewrites some things (well really lots of things) so as long as you don't dwell on failure to get into a top school and his list has 5 schools he can really see himself at I think he will be fine, even as time progresses think wherever he got in was his first choice. 

[Nan in Mass]

I don't have much advice to offer other than making sure that his physical needs are being met, especially excersize, and that he has friends.  Life doesn't seem quite so bad when your body is telling you everything is comfortable and excersize is good stress relief.  Mine set their hearts on one college.  Unfortunately, they set their hearts on colleges that were pretty unique, in multiple ways, making it very hard to sound convincing when we told them that if this didn't work, there were other good options.  In oldest's case, it was an all-or-nothing deal.  I sympathize with the problem of encouraging them to work hard to meet their lofty goals and at the same time telling them it will be ok if they have to fall back on plan B.  You have to be pretty grown up to throw your heart into something and not be devastated if it doesn't work.  You need him to be like Kipling's "If".  Perhaps you can emphasize that being valiant is a life-long endeavor?  And help him to have other areas of his life (preferably non-time-consuming ones sigh) in which he is obviously contributing to something good or doing something he cares deeply about, like music?  Something he can focus on that is going well if this other thing does not go well?

 

Nan

[Laura in CA]

I've also read that most students say they got into the school they wanted to go to. I suspect the human mind rewrites some things (well really lots of things) so as long as you don't dwell on failure to get into a top school and his list has 5 schools he can really see himself at I think he will be fine, even as time progresses think wherever he got in was his first choice. 

 

This really seems to be true. Two of my son's friends were dreaming of Stanford (knowing it was a long shot); neither got in, but each boy is incredibly excited about the school he is going to. I am sure the initial disappointment has faded.

 

Have you read Joan Didion's essay "On Being Unchosen by the College of One's Choice" ?

 

We are preparing for disappointment here, too. I think -- hope -- my son is grounded enough to weather any disappointment. I am glad he's aiming high ... I've seen other people not try ("they can't reject me if I don't apply" attitude), and then years later they are left wondering "what if ..."

[Nan in Mass]

This really seems to be true. Two of my son's friends were dreaming of Stanford (knowing it was a long shot); neither got in, but each boy is incredibly excited about the school he is going to. I am sure the initial disappointment has faded.

 

Have you read Joan Didion's essay "On Being Unchosen by the College of One's Choice" ?

 

We are preparing for disappointment here, too. I think -- hope -- my son is grounded enough to weather any disappointment. I am glad he's aiming high ... I've seen other people not try ("they can't reject me if I don't apply" attitude), and then years later they are left wondering "what if ..."

 

I think some of the problem is that when, in order to get into the dream school, you have sacrificed a lot and been very single minded and worked incredibly hard, if you don't get in it was all for naught, since the other schools wouldn't have required all that dedication and sacrifice.

 

Nan

[Laura Corin]

I think some of the problem is that when, in order to get into the dream school, you have sacrificed a lot and been very single minded and worked incredibly hard, if you don't get in it was all for naught, since the other schools wouldn't have required all that dedication and sacrifice.

 

Nan

 

Yes, that's it.

 

L

[JanetC]

Yes, that's it.

 

L

 

Try to remind yourselves of other ways the hard work will be "worth it", even if you don't get into the dream school.

 

http://www.wiselikeus.com/collegewise/2012/12/will-this-be-worth-it.html

[regentrude]

I think some of the problem is that when, in order to get into the dream school, you have sacrificed a lot and been very single minded and worked incredibly hard, if you don't get in it was all for naught, since the other schools wouldn't have required all that dedication and sacrifice.

 

That is a mindset I really try to extinguish. ANY education my student has received is worth it - even if it would not have been necessary for the school she gets in. Nobody can take away from you things you have learned.

For example, I see my DD working incredibly hard on her dual enrollment classes, which will very likely not transfer, so one might argue that it was "useless" to take them. But the experience, learning, and skills stay with you forever - whether somebody gives you a paper or accepts you into a certain school, or not.

 

[Candid]

I think some of the problem is that when, in order to get into the dream school, you have sacrificed a lot and been very single minded and worked incredibly hard, if you don't get in it was all for naught, since the other schools wouldn't have required all that dedication and sacrifice.

 

Nan

 

The book I mention specifically deals with exactly this kind of thinking. While it will work out fine if the child gets in, it destroys other chances such as Laura mentions, and it does so in multiple ways which the author discusses.  I suggest reading the book and mulling over its message on this point. Find some other schools for your student to love as much as the reach school. 

[Nan in Mass]

So I've been thinking about this...

 

Middle and youngest were less of a problem because we wouldn't have done much different no matter where they intended to apply.  Oldest was the one who had to make sacrifices to apply to his one and only possibility.  None of the cases is much like Laura's son's, but somehow, in my family, this general problem keeps cropping up for all of us at various points, so it is definately something with which we've dealt.  Repeatedly dealt.  It seems like we are always quoting nothing-ventured-nothing-gained and you-win-some-you-lose-some, everything-is-a-learning-experience and take-things-lightly at each other.  We talk about risk and sacrifice and moving on.  We tell stories or our own failed attempts and how they shaped our lives.  I have to admit that I held up the eeyores in our lives to our children and pointed out that it is well worth the effort not to become like that.  It doesn't hurt that we know some "cool" people who have tried grand things and either failed or been unlucky and not let that stop them from trying other grand things.  We point out that living a good life incorporates many seeming contradictions and throwing your heart into something but taking it lightly at the same time is just one of them.  None of us want to think about our failures and disappointments since we are all trying to move on and not dwell on things and it generally is considered impolite to burden other people with them, in my family, but we make an effort to talk about ourselves to the children so they see that life contains many such choices.  Pretty nebulous advice, I know, and not very helpful.  I think this is one of those situations where there isn't much you can do to help except to generally try to instill in your children the concept of repeatedly taking largish risks and moving on when they don't work, and that working hard is good for you and what you are supposed to be doing.  In your particular case, you can point out that that the hard work will result in being academically stronger and having better self-discipline and that will serve him well the rest of his life.  Not that that will be much comfort if he has to give up a beloved musical instrument or loses a good friend or something.  Then you are into the realm of damage control.  Sigh.

 

Nan

[Gwen in VA]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

 

I know those are trite, but there is truth in them. Paradoxically, failure and the ability to stand up again after the failure is an integral part of success.

 

My favorite quote about courage: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'â€

[Laura Corin]

  In your particular case, you can point out that that the hard work will result in being academically stronger and having better self-discipline and that will serve him well the rest of his life.  

 

 

Thanks, Nan.  I think that this is the advice that will most resonate with him.

 

I'm completely at peace with it myself now - I wasn't for a while, but I didn't lay it on him.  If he gets into his second choice, then he's likely to be with his peers, which will be a good placement for him.  Ability is about dedication and commitment as well as intelligence, so if he doesn't put in the hard work to get into number 1, then he's probably not the right person for number 1.

 

L

[MicheleinMN]

I have had to remind my eldest daughter that life is a lot of things and NOT just grades, BUT grades still count and can keep you from your dreams.  I've tried to help her find balance, but I'm not sure she has yet.  She is my "burn the candle at both ends" child and sometimes her health takes a hit for it.  I do try and remind her that mental and physical health are important too.  We also believe that God does direct our paths.  While that may not be helpful to others, it is significant in our lives.  So when one opportunity passes, we are looking for the next one. 

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

Most kids these days don't get into their "dream" school because it is crazy competitive. My youngest brother not only didn't get into any of his top choices but wound up getting deferred (spring) admission to his "safety" school. Neither he nor my folks had quite understood that it would be way more competitive for him than it had been for me 8 years earlier so he was a bit overly ambitious in his application choices. I was part of the "baby bust" while my youngest brother was part of the "echo boom". Not to mention that attending college in general was pushed more in the 2000's than it had been in the '90's.

 

Anyways, my brother was disappointed and a bit embarrassed to have to wait until January to start college when all his friends were starting in August or September. He wound up really loving the school he attended and meeting the woman who is now his serious (as in talking about marriage when she finishes grad school) girlfriend. So it all worked out fine for him.

[asta]

My sister said something to kid that was incredibly helpful: kids look at a handful of schools; admissions officers look at thousands of kids. Over time, admissions officers become quite good at identifying which kids are a "good fit" for their university -- even more so than what the kids themselves may recognize / acknowledge / etc.

 

The school that wants YOU will always be preferable to the one whom you must convince to take you. A good uni that will go the extra mile for you (your kid, I mean) will continue to support you long after you have completed your studies.

 

 

A