SpecialClassical Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Say you had a child who was quite intelligent academically. This child is at the end of her high school career and has met a boy that she is sure she will marry one day. She is a very loyal person and you think it is likely she will stick with him if he doesn't break up with her. And now she is making plans to find a college close by him even if she could get scholarships to go to a much better college a few hours away. How would you proceed from this point? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Are you helping to finance her college education? I told my kids that they cannot put a school high on their list until they see the financial package. Affordability is a very strong consideration in our household. They know that they need the best merit package they can get in order to put a school within our reach. If she needs some of your purse strings, I would hold her to a "getting the best scholarship money" expectation. I would not come from a "don't be near this boy" angle, but use the $$ angle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Well, technically this is a hypothetical based on a known situation. The parents are helping with school, but not funding it completely, so scholarships and student contribution are expected. Yes, the parents have expressed that the student needs to have several colleges in mind in order to compare financial packages. The student hasn't visited any colleges yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I was that kid. Chose a state school over Wellesley. Did end up completing undergrad without loans. The marriage is at 20 years next year and we waited to marry until after I graduated from undergrad. It's definitely appropriate to have conversations. What are your reasons for your decisions? Have you considered what it will be like / what you'll do if the relationship ends? Be very careful. My relationship with my family is rocky as it is. Had there been any ultimatums or lack of respect for my decision, there wouldn't be a relationship with them. It is true that many relationships that are started when young don't work out...especially if there isn't an effort made to grow together. It can also be wonderful. Dh and I have been together since we met in 1989 when I was 16 and he was 18. I did follow him to college....but he wasn't the only reason for my decisions and that was also important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriede Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I did that too! I followed my boyfriend to a state college instead of going to a different state college where I had earned much more financial aid. We broke up two months later. But then I met my husband junior year. :) There really is no telling. I'd look at the school itself and concentrate on academics. If she can get the education that she wants there, WHO is there can be irrelevant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 So perhaps a focus on graduate employment rates and reputation along with financial package would sway this student? Those are the biggest issues along with the maturity that can happen in four years. The significant other is nice enough, but they are so young and inexperienced. The relationship isn't being discouraged, but the parents are concerned that the decision shouldn't be made simply by geographical considerations. The student has expressed that she knows geography isnt the only factor, but is yet is planning that way. They wouldn't be going to the same school, but the boyfriend has already chosen a school and the girl wants to decide around that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 In our house if I am footing the bill, then I make ALL the decisions including where one goes to college. If my kiddo is paying the ENTIRE bill, then he can make ALL the decisions. If this is your DD's first boyfriend, then it is statistically likely they will break up. By the time she is 45, she probably won't remember his birthday or middle name. By the time she is 60, she may not even remember his last name. Certainly not something worthy of making a lifelong educational decision for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Well, this is not my dd, but my dd is actually engaged to her first boyfriend and my husband married his first girlfriend. (Lucky me😄). But in the case where financial support is split, how do you manage that? Power to decide isn't the point here. Finding a way to influence a child to make the best decision for college is the point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I was that kid. Chose a state school over Wellesley. Did end up completing undergrad without loans. The marriage is at 20 years next year and we waited to marry until after I graduated from undergrad. It's definitely appropriate to have conversations. What are your reasons for your decisions? Have you considered what it will be like / what you'll do if the relationship ends? Be very careful. My relationship with my family is rocky as it is. Had there been any ultimatums or lack of respect for my decision, there wouldn't be a relationship with them. It is true that many relationships that are started when young don't work out...especially if there isn't an effort made to grow together. It can also be wonderful. Dh and I have been together since we met in 1989 when I was 16 and he was 18. I did follow him to college....but he wasn't the only reason for my decisions and that was also important. Me too, in an opposite way. Chose a state school over Duke. Many regrets over that. Been married to someone else a very long time now. The first guy didn't last through freshman year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onceuponatime Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Oops. Wrong thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 But in the case where financial support is split, how do you manage that? Power to decide isn't the point here. Finding a way to influence a child to make the best decision for college is the point. Our general rule is that we will love through anything, but not enable bad decisions. Just because someone is capable of going somewhere, doesn't mean that's the best place for them. What college is she seeking? What's its reputation in the degree field she is seeking? How does its cost compare to the other school her parents want her to consider? Other than the boyfriend, why does she want to attend this particular school? Why does he want to attend it? What is its reputation for his degree field? Does only one of them have a strong motivation to attend college? These are questions I would sit them down to ask. Pending the answers, I might refuse to finance at all or limit my financing. But it wouldn't have anything to do with the boyfriend. That isn't relevant to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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