Dd - Prepping for college this fall - Personality or Immaturity?

[Shelly in VA]

Not sure how to title this post!

 

Dd will be going to a 4 year university this fall. She picked the school, fell in love with it, and still chose it after dh and I had her tour several other campuses and apply to them. All is good there.

 

But... she won't show any energy towards getting ready! She has been assigned to a summer book reading group with the honors college she will be a part of, and she hasn't even ordered the book, although book discussions start next week. She hasn't gone shopping or browsed online for bedding/dorm supplies. She forwarded me a link to a B&N coupon for free shipping (the campus bookstore is a B&N), and she has registered for classes, but she hasn't made a list of books yet, let alone searched for them on Amazon/B&N/etc. to find them. She moves into the dorm on Aug. 19 - just 6 weeks from now!

 

I am frustrated, and I am afraid for her. I don't know what psychology is going on here, but I have been worried for quite some time that she may not be mature enough to handle college. At the same time, part of me thinks that what she needs to "force" that independence is living away from home. But when things like this happen, I fear that she will get to college, be unable to handle the pressure, and end up back home, after a lot of emotional and monetary expense.

 

Is this a normal reaction for an 18 yo? Are these normal parental fears when launching your first child? I read other posts about the amazing independence of some teens, and I want a glimpse of that here, but I am not seeing any of it. I have only been able to get this kid to go shopping on her own for clothes ONCE in her life -- an 18yo girl!! Acck!!

 

Thanks for any input or insight you may have!

[Teachin'Mine]

Sounds like she might have some ambivalent feelings about her upcoming independence. I think it's telling that she sent you the link to the B&N site. Has she ever ordered books on her own before? If not, I'd take that as a sign that she'd like some help. She may actually want you to order them for her, but that won't help her to learn how to do it herself. I'd do this book ordering with her - with her doing the typing and you guiding her. I'd let her order one or two of the books on her own without you sitting with her. Make it gradual steps to independence. If there's shopping and other things that need to be done, sit down with her as she makes up a list of what needs to be done. Then you can help her research sales online and make up a plan for when and where to shop. I think many teens drag their feet as it's summer ...

[Candid]

Have you asked her what she is thinking? Does she want you to do everything? Why?

[Barbara H]

I would try not to read too much into it. I've observed little relationship between the enthusiasm for any part of getting ready for college (applications, visiting, essays, shopping) and actually be happy and successful in college. It is a huge transition and kids process stuff in really different ways and so do parents.

 

Have you offered to go shopping with her? I'm wondering if you just toss out a date - "Are you available next Tuesday, I'd love to take you to Target and lunch at our favorite restaurant."

[cathmom]

6 weeks sounds like plenty of time to get that stuff done. Relax!

[posybuddy]

 Finally, I drove to the parking lot, said "I love you. Grow up" and drove off. She survived.

 

This made me laugh out loud this morning, thanks!

 

We are in the same boat here with DS. He's not a big fan of transition/change, so I have been prodding a lot. "Would you like me to order your summer reading book for you?" "Have you checked your portal to see if there's any new information on roommates?" "You should really be checking your college email address more than oh, once a month." :glare:

 

I know he's not ambivalent about going, because he's going to school 8 hours away even though his girlfriend would like him to stay closer, so. I think he just doesn't want to deal with any of it because it's boring, it's summer and he'd rather play Minecraft. Sigh.

[Karen in CO]

My ds packed for college the night before his flight to Japan. He survived. He figured out what he needed to know. It drove me crazy leading up to his departure, but he is very different than I am and did things his own way.

[creekland]

I helped both of my two college guys with the transition stuff the summer before freshman year.  We discussed what was needed, went shopping together, looked over course selections and made course selections together (based upon their interest and majors - not mine), and generally talked them through a bunch of stuff (deadlines, suggestions, etc).  They were thankful - otherwise - how do you do that which you've never done before?  I also told them I'd help them with the first semester (getting ready, getting courses, etc) and they would need to do the rest of their college years (with their adviser with respect to courses).  So far, there's been no problems at all.  They are both quite independent and doing very well.

 

I don't see where "sink or swim" is the best option - and doing things together (shopping, etc) gave us both great memories.

[Julie in MN]

My ds packed for college the night before his flight to Japan. He survived. He figured out what he needed to know. It drove me crazy leading up to his departure, but he is very different than I am and did things his own way.

Love this!

 

I helped my oldest get some things ready for college (evaluating whether the dorm set of sheets was a worse deal than getting our own, etc.).  Although my boys don't generally care about whether they have sheets LOL.

 

Oldest had some roommates whose parents showed up with bags of groceries and baskets of clean laundry regularly.  Helping kids transition isn't limited to homeschoolers.

Julie

[Karen in CO]

Love this!

 

I helped my oldest get some things ready for college (evaluating whether the dorm set of sheets was a worse deal than getting our own, etc.).  Although my boys don't generally care about whether they have sheets LOL.

 

Oldest had some roommates whose parents showed up with bags of groceries and baskets of clean laundry regularly.  Helping kids transition isn't limited to homeschoolers.

Julie

I would have loved to have delivered laundry and groceries but that wasn't an option for me. I did send boxes of cliff bars, peanut butter and snacks along with sending more socks and stuff like that. He had to do his dorm room shopping in Japan, and the school did a great job helping the students learn to get around between school and the dorms, register for classes and purchase textbooks.

 

He looked to me like he was procrastinating instead of preparing before he left. The truth was that he had gotten his passport, his student visa, and arranged for his atm card to work in Tokyo then decided all he needed after that was clothes. He is a very relaxed person who takes time to make a choice then doesn't worry over it, confident that it will work out. I am a planner, list-maker and worrier.

 

I'm now hoping one of my girls will go to school within a 1000 miles from home so I can drive her to school, go grocery shopping and help out. I need more transition time than just driving them to the airport and watching them disappear through security.

[Farmgirl70]

So much could be involved here.  My dd just finished her freshman year with a 3.9 GPA and enthusiastic about her teachers, classes and her education.  However, she did not start out that way!  She does not like transition--it is very hard for her.  Last summer she said she wasn't sure she wanted to go to college at all (though it was her choice to).  Part way through first semester she wanted to drop out.  We told her she had to give it a year before we discussed any changes, knowing how hard change is for her.  By winter break, she was thinking about going part time for her sophomore year and feeling fairly successful in her classes, which for some reason surprised her.  I think she worried ahead of time that she might not measure up, even though she has a near full scholarship.  By the end of this year, when we asked her plans, she shrugs and says, "Well, I'm a quarter of the way through already...why slow down now?"  I just wanted to share that some kids have a hard time adjusting.  Some are not excited to begin even though they want to go to college.   Perhaps your dd is experiencing some of this?  Chances are, she'll be just fine.  Regarding books, I walked our daughter through this some this year.  She just hasn't paid for much online with her credit card.  It was a new experience and she needed some moral support.  She's getting quite proficient now, though.  Good luck to both you and your daughter with this time of transition.

[Nan in Mass]

I wouldn't worry. Mine had trouble thinking about it beforehand and doing things for the first time. Even the older one, who had lived on his own, handed me the packet of paperwork and said, "Would you please just take care of this for me?" His whole college application process went like that - I either sat shoulder to shoulder with him or did it for him or went with him. As far as I could tell, the college appeared to be set up for this to happen and let the parents know about tasks and deadlines so we could make sure things got done. The help I offered beforehand had no effect on what happened once he was actually installed in college. The younger two did/are doing about the same thing. Youngest couldn't think about anything in the middle of finals. Now that those are over, he has a pretty limited amount of patience with the rest of the stuff he is supposed to do. The school's directions appear to be good, but they obviously are aware that of their students' limitations because if it is important, they mail something to the parents, and if it is very important (like choosing classes), they have days when they will assign an older student to walk the new students through the process. I was pleased when he recently took a crack at filling out his medical history but he still had no idea what to do with the section about immunizations and handed it over to me. He's apparently more on top of things than he appears to be. Shopping trips at intervals all through the summer would be easier for me but pretty upsottling for him. Besides, he doesn't need all that much. We'll do all the shopping the week before class starts. First semester, we'll have him buy his books at the book store, then after that, he can save money by buying them elsewhere, where it is cheaper. There is still plenty of time. It is a huge transition, pretty unimaginable, so his method of dealing with it- try not to think about it until the time comes- actually makes sense, provided somebody is keeping an eye on the essential deadlines (me).

 

Nan

[J-rap]

I probably wouldn't read too much into it; it's probably just kind of a personality type. My son (our oldest) began planning his year biking through Europe (departing a month after high school graduation) and all the hundreds of details that that involved when he was about 15 -- haha. It was how he spent a lot of his down time. He also applied to colleges before he left, for the following year. I don't remember doing a thing. I remember thinking how easy this all was!

 

Since then, I've realized that that was quite unusual, and that we have the whole range of personality types in our family. My youngest is excited to be independent and moving on, but gets overwhelmed by large tasks. Her reaction is to put them off altogether. I've learned that with her, I really need to walk her through the process and help her figure out a system.