Need advice about behaviors due to a traumatic event.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

My SN son used to have this weird, irrational fear of our house burning down during the night. He used to get himself worked up into a complete panic attack over it. Well, last Sunday (fathers day) we actually did have a house fire. Now, he is SUPER clingy, and starting to revert back to baby talk (kinda, its like a mix between 'big kid' talk and baby talk) What on Earth can I do to help him through this? I am completely lost. Any sense of normalcy is gone right now. We are living in a motel room and its just a mess right now. Any ideas?

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[geodob]

While you describe it as a fear of your house burning down?

I wonder if it is more a fear of not knowing how he would cope with the situation?

A couple of years ago, a house 2 doors down from me, was destroyed in a fire in only 20 minutes.

After watching that, I went home and went through every room in my house and posed the question of what would I do if I was caught in any of the rooms when a fire broke out?

Where I found that I had to make some significant changes, just in case.

I also developed a number of plans, depending on where it occurred?

After much hunting, I found a fire blanket that I had stored away and then put it in a central place.

As well as getting a small fire extinguisher.

I also turn off electrical devices when they aren't being used, as they are the main cause of house fires.

 

Perhaps what you could do, is appoint your son as your home fire security officer?

So that when you move back home, that you go through the house with him, and develop a whole fire security plan?

Where he has ongoing role in maintaining it.

So that his fear will be replaced by feeling in control and prepared.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Well the fear was the house would burn down, but then a week ago we did have a fire. So that is what I am wondering how we deal with. His feelings/fears/concerns/regressions/etc since the fire we actually had.

[AliR]

We have gone through a sort of similar situation with DD related to repeated 'losing' of people and animals, either as they move overseas or die. I am not sure that anything much works to stop the regression. The regression in itself is a bit of self-therapy (I'm still a baby and don't have to deal with bad things), and is completely to be expected. You all must be feeling very raw, and he will of course pick up on this as well.

 

What I have done is to try to keep a basic schedule going, so that as much of normal life exists as possible. Normal is difficult in a motel room, but maybe a visual schedule of what is going to be happening will give him some reassurance that tomorrow will come and that things will be okay.

 

The regression will not last forever, I promise.

[LMV]

I'm sorry about your fire. I'm glad everyone is safe and physically unharmed.

 

This is still very acute so I think you need to reassure and support as much as possible. Some of this may also be a transition issue. I think transitions can be a bit challenging for all but I think especially so for younger children, or adults/children with underlying anxiety or depression. Does he have any comfort items that survived the fire? They may help him to ground himself. Any of his normal routine that you can maintain (which I realize may be difficult in a hotel room) will probably also help.

 

The timeframe is too early for PTSD and perhaps this will all settle out with some extra support from you and his dad but he may also benefit from TF-CBT at a later date. This is adapted to be used with quite young children [i think studies have focused on children as young as three] so I think it could be a good option for him if you need something more.

 

Hugs!

[swellmomma]

I missed this sooner. I am sorry about the house fire. I hope the damage was minor.

 

How is your son doing now? I don't have experience with this particular fear prior to our fire. After ds9 was in his car accident we had some regression and anxiety set in. It is pretty much gone now 2 years later but how we dealt with it was encouraging him to get it out and feel in control. So initially lots of artwork and reenacting with toys, and allowing him to have a pillow to hide his face in on the road etc.

 

As for dealing with a fire. I think that art work and playing it can help kids process it. The fear was of the house burning down. Did the whole house burn down or was the fire contained to one location? If it was contained can you use that as a reassurance of how even if bad stuff (a fire) happens, it doesn't mean the whole house burns down. How the firemen work hard to save the house etc. Ask him if he wants to help come up with new escape routes and install new smoke alarms during the restoration.

 

If the whole house burnt down, it's even harder because it is his worst fears coming true, which is not common. I think in that case play or art work or in a therapeutic setting would help. I think being sure to focus on the good no matter how small that can come out of the situation rather than the loss. Trying to turn it into learning resilience if possible even if the babytalk continues for a while. I would heap on extra loving to help him feel safe but be mindful you are not feeding the fear unintentionally with the same love if that makes sense. Maybe not so much feeding the fear but the feeling of helplessness that goes with it kwim.

 

Another thought. You said his fear was of the house burning down, is it the loss of shelter/security, or the loss of what is in it? My biggest fear after our housefire was that my kids would become hoarders, because so many times on those shows that is a trigger, I wanted them to learn that although we need to respect our belonging they are just stuff, and it doesn't really matter if it all goes poof as long as we are all safe. But that is easier to say than to feel in the moment. Stuff including shelter can be accessed again. I know though my kids felt better when they knew that if we had a fire(or any other disaster) we would go stay with Uncle, because Uncle is good with having all their pets there. I learned after our fire that oldest was most worried that if something happened to our house that we would have to stay with gramma and gramma hates animals so their pets would not be welcome. I hadn't said anything to them about it because the house was still liveable after our fire, but it got those wheels turning in the head of my oldest.

 

 

What a stressful situation for everyone. :grouphug:

[Heathermomster]

When DS was younger, he was terrified of a house fire. We had a 24 hour home monitoring system installed with 2 extra detectors, one outside his room and one outside mine and hubby's bedroom. Whenever the issue came up, I pointed to the detectors. Three houses in our neighborhood have burned down over the 12 years that we have lived here. Only one home was rebuilt. No one was injured but my kids see empty lots every time we come and go.

 

I'm sorry that you and your family had a house fire.