Voted Off the Island...opinions please

[laughing lioness]

Last week I posted about how bummed I was cause the class day that I started (and stepped down from directing this spring due to a non-compete with a nat'l co) formed a new board. Watching it go in a screwy direction my dh asked to be put back on the board. They voted "no."

We were advocating for a consensual decision making body. The current Chair wants a top-down hierarchical structure, giving him the ability to create policy and procedure, with no accountability. Plus, this is supposed to be following a classical model, but most parents think classical means memorizing. Not to mention the rather funny fact that most of the parents are looking at structure from a grammar point of view, rather than a dialectic or rhetorical. The structure they've created isn't even in keeping with the classical mindset -kwim??

2 of the other board members quit over the above decision. One of them wants to get together weekly and start another group. I'm sick of starting groups. I just don't "feel" right about this-kiwm? -it just "feels" reactionary to me.

I can still Mentor with the group I started- the politics of it- hmm. my ds was being bullied last year and 2 of the moms who voted us "off the island" were very defensive of their littel bullies- this year I'm sure that it will be worse and now I'm not in a postiion to do anything about it.

On the other hand, we are in the boonies and the weekly class day is THE interaction for my littles. There is a small group of highschoolers for my 13 yo -

and, these people are supposedly our friends- they are so conflict avoidant is almost nauseating. But, on Saturday a group of them brought over a (new to us) used frig (our old one was dying), etc.

Should we stay home this year? Is it even worth trying to be part of the old group? Should I just join together with this other gal so my littles aren't lonely?

[JFSinIL]

I vote for joining with the new gal...can you keep your toe in the other group, just attending, so to speak? If it stays negative, drop it.

[Kathleen in VA]

Lisa,

 

Wow - this is tricky, isn't it? I think it would be difficult from such a distant vantage point to offer excellent advice on this one, but a couple of things popped out at me as I was reading your post. First, it sounds like the group is going in a completely different direction philosophically than you and the other ladies who want to break off are going. It could be very frustrating to deal with that on a regular basis. You would probably be butting heads with these folks on many issues if you stayed - not necessarily outwardly, but certainly inwardly.

 

Secondly, I don't think it is worth having social interaction to put up with bullies. I really feel it is better for children to be somewhat isolated than to have to deal with being bullied. Over the years I've read of many very brilliant people who grew up as loners. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is Madeleine L'Engle. I remember reading that she had to entertain herself quite often so she read, read, read and developed her imagination. Being isolated isn't the worst thing that can happen to a child. It often brings out qualities that otherwise would stay hidden.

 

If it were me, I'd stay home. Joining with the other ladies sounds doable, too, but I certainly understand you not wanting to start another group - that is very energy and time demanding. I think your decision may come to down to whether you are an introvert of extrovert by nature. If you are an extrovert (which it sounds like you are) then you actually gain energy by interacting with people. In that case, it may be depressing to stay home and not have that interaction and so opting for breaking off with the other ladies interested in doing so may be the best solution for you.

 

As to how to keep from offending those who are still in the group and were so kind to offer you that fridge and all, well I don't think a real friend would mind if you chose to start a new group or stay home due to philosophical reasons - especially where the education of your children is concerned.

 

And lastly, is it possible to have those highschoolers over for a game night or something along those lines a couple of times a month or so?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like the group will not meet your classical academic needs. And you really don't need a group to meet your social needs. Invite those kids (and families) who are friends over. It doesn't matter if they still decide to be part of the group - this is separate. If they decline all of your invitations (suddenly needing to "wash their hair as a family") then you know that they aren't really friends. And you really don't want to socialize with them. With that in mind, I also suggest looking for the answer to social needs outside of the box, so to speak. Invite some elderly people over, some singles, people with families who school in different ways, people with different traditions than your family. . . I think you and your children will be pleasantly surprised.

[Tammyla]

I don't have any further words of wisdom from the others. These choices are always difficult, I just wanted to send some support either way.:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

2 of the other board members quit over the above decision. One of them wants to get together weekly and start another group.

 

What about mostly trying to have get togethers social? I know it is hard to let go of organizations you have put so much effort into (I had a friend who was very involved in starting and funding a Sikh temple. He was focused on the spirituality of it. Once the building was financed and up, people who wanted it to be a political focus bussed in people from all over to "vote" it into the kind of temple they wanted it to be. He was so angry and heartbroken, I thought he was going to pop.)

You obviously have talent and energy. I hope you find an outlet that is more in your control.

 

BTW, did you and hubby decide about that job? I know it sounds gruesome, but for some of us old crusties, such bleak situations are inviting challenges. One of the things I like about working with people "at the bottom of things" is that there is no place but up, and every little step up seems so good, and such a reward.

[laughing lioness]

thanks for all of the kind words and thoughts- I am still thinking and processing. I think that, ultimately, they are going in a different direction than us.

About the job...we are considering it with fear and trepidation! I so appreciate the line, "some of us old crusties," - lol! I am feeling it! He also has a proposal in to a foundation working on a community project teaching/ reasearching and writing. It's what he longs to do but we are not sure how long getting funding will take (they are pretty sure about getting the funding just not sure if p.t., f.t. and when) The Reservation job wont allow any outside work and he's signed a contract with a U to teach on-line so he couldn't officially start at the Res until Jan. They have 3 other interviewees so we'll see if he gets even gets an offer!

[WTMCassandra]

I have found that life is too short to try to make things work with emotionally toxic people. I would either start my own group or stay home this year and take a break. I'm sooo sorry this happened to you.