Parrothead Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Here's another way of looking at it: Say an American goes to Amsterdam for a visit. In Amsterdam, smoking marijuana is legal, but the American comes from a place where it is not legal and her personal beliefs agree with the reasoning for it being illegal. She understands that people in Amsterdam have a right to smoke marijuana and doesn't necessary think they should change their laws or that people need to stop smoking because she doesn't agree with it, but she just does not want to be around it or to have her kids around it. Does this make sense? Then she and her children should not go to Amsterdam. If one does not like pot, doesn't want to be around pot, why on earth would one want to go where the pot is? One can't make the people of Potlandia not have or use pot just because one is arriving. The same is true of Alcoholvillia. Truthfully if you don't want to be socially where people are drinking then it is on you not to go. Not to try to make every accommodate you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 If this discussion was about Christianity and hypocrites, people would be all over it. Telling people that it is convenient how people pick and choose what they want to adhere to as far as their religion. But this woman is trying to do the right thing according to her religion, and people are telling her to chill out. Which way should it be? Should she be a hypocrite and not adhere to her religion just because people think that she should go along with the norm? OP, I totally get it, and if I were you, I would politely decline the party invitation and say exactly why. Either one stays true to their religion or they don't,kwim? Actually, her question was whether or not she should ask her MIL to tell all of the party guests that they couldn't bring alcohol to the party, and that was what people were responding to. If the party was in her own home, I'm sure all of us would have said that she had every right to request that no one bring or drink alcoholic beverages, but she's not the hostess of this party, and it's not in her own home, so we simply said that it would be impolite to make demands on her MIL. No one said she had to attend the party if she feels so strongly about the issue, but she said in her original post that even her dh thinks she's out of line, so it doesn't appear that he shares her sentiments. I can't speak for everyone else, but I think her MIL is being incredibly kind to throw the OP and her family a Welcome Home party, and I don't think the OP has any right to dictate the details to her MIL. I think it's pretty ungrateful to be so upset over something that may not even occur -- it's not like she has said that her dh's family is a bunch of drunken fools. :rolleyes: For all she knows, there may be no issue at all. As far as I can tell, she has two choices -- either suck it up and attend the party (and use it as a teaching moment for her kids, if she wants to point out the religious issues to them,) or she should politely tell her MIL that she won't be attending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngieC Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Canceling the party is a reasonable solution if she is that concerned. How loudly she wants to proclaim why is her own business - but she needs to keep in mind that she risks alienating parts of her extended family-in-law depending on what she says and how she says it. Given that it's her DH's family, I would suspect her DH ought to have a lot of say in how this is handled. She is free to do whatever she wants as far as her religion goes - what people are saying is that she is not free to impose her beliefs on others. Don't want to drink? Fine, don't drink. It is unreasonable to ask others (not in her own home) to not drink alcohol because she doesn't want to be around it. She simply needs to make the choice to not be around these people, not to expect them to conform to her beliefs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 If this discussion was about Christianity and hypocrites, people would be all over it. Telling people that it is convenient how people pick and choose what they want to adhere to as far as their religion. But this woman is trying to do the right thing according to her religion, and people are telling her to chill out. Which way should it be? Should she be a hypocrite and not adhere to her religion just because people think that she should go along with the norm? OP, I totally get it, and if I were you, I would politely decline the party invitation and say exactly why. Either one stays true to their religion or they don't,kwim? In general, the principle holds. In this country, however, many of us live in mixed-religion families, both nuclear and extended. Unless we (or other family members) are heartless, we try our best to get along well. I'm confident that this is how respondents here are thinking. I could cite all manner of specifics of my religion, living situation, and family situation which require serious thought on my part, and loving effort to follow what is true at the same time that I love and respect my extended family. If there were an extreme situation, I pray that I would follow my conscience, even to the point of losing contact with friends and relatives. There are, however, ever so many social situations which do not require such hard-nosed overt behaviour from me. OP still has not revealed what her religion is, although doing so likely would clarify a LOT about her position. (I don't know why her secrecy.) Nobody has asked OP to "be a hypocrite" (and so forth), and nobody has any idea of what her religious affiliation is. We have attempted to be kind and helpful despite our lack of what (according to OP) is pertinent information. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 If this discussion was about Christianity and hypocrites, people would be all over it. Telling people that it is convenient how people pick and choose what they want to adhere to as far as their religion. But this woman is trying to do the right thing according to her religion, and people are telling her to chill out. Which way should it be? Should she be a hypocrite and not adhere to her religion just because people think that she should go along with the norm? OP, I totally get it, and if I were you, I would politely decline the party invitation and say exactly why. Either one stays true to their religion or they don't,kwim? I agree. If she should not be around people consuming alcohol then she should not go. Period. End of story. I do disagree that she should say exactly why she is declining the party. There is no way to decline without sounding judgmental. But what she is attempting to do is have her MIL dictate what type of drinks people may have at her MILs party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Actually, her question was whether or not she should ask her MIL to tell all of the party guests that they couldn't bring alcohol to the party, and that was what people were responding to. If the party was in her own home, I'm sure all of us would have said that she had every right to request that no one bring or drink alcoholic beverages, but she's not the hostess of this party, and it's not in her own home, so we simply said that it would be impolite to make demands on her MIL. No one said she had to attend the party if she feels so strongly about the issue, but she said in her original post that even her dh thinks she's out of line, so it doesn't appear that he shares her sentiments. I can't speak for everyone else, but I think her MIL is being incredibly kind to throw the OP and her family a Welcome Home party, and I don't think the OP has any right to dictate the details to her MIL. I think it's pretty ungrateful to be so upset over something that may not even occur -- it's not like she has said that her dh's family is a bunch of drunken fools. :rolleyes: For all she knows, there may be no issue at all. As far as I can tell, she has two choices -- either suck it up and attend the party (and use it as a teaching moment for her kids, if she wants to point out the religious issues to them,) or she should politely tell her MIL that she won't be attending. Which is why I said she should politely decline. SHE is the one responsible for sticking to her beliefs or not. This isn't a situation where she can control it, so she should decline. I was more referring to the couple that told her to chill out. When it comes to one's religion and doing/not doing things because of them, it is rude to tell that person to chill out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mohop Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 How is telling my MIL that I won't be attending a party thrown in my honor better than asking her if the party can be alcohol-free?? I truly, honestly do not understand this reasoning at all. And for whoever suggested that I will never have a close relationship with my in-laws unless I am "more tolerant," please be assured that my relationship with my in-laws is perfectly fine. I invited my MIL to be in my birthing room each time I gave birth. My husband has three sets of family, and we get along fine with all of them. I don't want to do something that would make my MIL or other family uncomfortable, but it's either way, it's not going to ruin anyone's relationship (unless, I declined the party invitation and told my MIL that we don't want a party in her house, because that would for sure strain our relationship). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[email protected] Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Hmm. Is it a full moon soon? OP, I hope you got SOME useful suggestions before the thread jumped the shark. Moderator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts