sorta a S/O - Do any of you have an older child who seems SO young?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, I'm not sure I fit in the other thread very well. Some people have had real struggles with their teens/young adults. I feel like maybe I'm intruding (???). I'm not fighting with them. There are no drugs, pregnancies, criminal acts, etc.

 

Instead, my kids seem very young. And then they had friends who were a little younger than them who are now passing them up also. For a LONG time, I said it was NICE that they were so innocent. It is. But can they be 14 forever?

 

I am absolutely fine with my daughter (or son) living here long term.

And I certainly don't want them doing anything "challenging."

 

But... I want to shake them. They need to get on with THEIR own lives!

 

And of course, then there is the guilt. Something I did was wrong, maybe. I completely agree that at these ages, they are responsible for their own choices and becoming their own people. I didn't set them upon these paths. They have to take responsibility. But though I know that, I go back to thinking, "but what if I did contribute to it or cause it?" But.... Whether I set them upon it or not, they would need to take responsibility for where they are and where they are going next. But my whole goal in parenting the way I did was to give them a head start. I wanted them to have what they needed so they could make good choices and do well and be happy.

 

And I guess I want to know what to do differently this time around as I raise my littles. I feel like they have taught me SO much in the last 18months that I've been blessed to be their Mama. I have plenty to work on; but I'm growing and so are they. But do I need to change something more when raising them? To fix what I might have done wrong with the first two?

 

Many times I tell myself I'm worried about nothing. They may be late bloomers; but, just like those (myself included) who get in trouble at these ages, they'll grow into their own people and "turn out just fine." That *is* what happens to most people, right? Most people have things to work on; but they turned out "just fine."

 

Anyway, but I guess I wonder if there are any others with these concerns. It seems like other kids these ages are either doing great things or definitely moving on with life or making real mistakes. Any who are just "young"?

[Catwoman]

It sounds like you have great kids, Pamela! :001_smile:

 

In what ways do they seem "too young?"

[Rosie_0801]

I was a late bloomer and I've turned out quite likeable. :p

 

My mother went through a phase where she complained and worried because I was turning out the way I'd been brought up. I found that annoying. :rolleyes:

 

Your kids will be just fine in their own sweet time.

 

:)

Rosie

[K&Rs Mom]

My dh was like that, just a late bloomer, maybe related to his Asperger's. I remember MIL telling me (long ago before we were married) that she was thankful I could overlook it. We were about 19-20 at the time, and she told me he was "predicted" to catch up to himself by about 25. Now (36 on Monday) he's a fully functional adult (except that he doesn't seem to be able to locate the dishwasher most of the time ;) ). So relax - you're doing a great job and they'll be fine.

[MooCow]

Well, my oldest ds is technically an adult, but is still about middle teens emotionally, mentally.

 

Sorry, not very helpful.

[MissKNG]

My mom was worried that I would never grow up because my bf was 4 years younger than me. I did. It will pass but in these times and days, enjoy the innocence.

[m0mmaBuck]

My 20 yo DSS is quite young behaviorly/psychologically. According to his counselor, he is "stuck" around 14-15 years old and at present refuses to admit there is an issue so getting help is difficult/impossible.

 

The good new is that most "late bloomers" do come around. Think back to your 20s and certain friends that you had that just couldn't seem to get by without calling Mom/Dad or doing whatever the crowd wanted to do. I bet they are functioning adults now!

 

You said "I completely agree that at these ages, they are responsible for their own choices and becoming their own people. I didn't set them upon these paths. They have to take responsibility. But though I know that, I go back to thinking, "but what if I did contribute to it or cause it?" But.... Whether I set them upon it or not, they would need to take responsibility for where they are and where they are going next. But my whole goal in parenting the way I did was to give them a head start. I wanted them to have what they needed so they could make good choices and do well and be happy."

 

That is how my husband and I are feeling at this point. Some things came up this week that are making us worry even more that we had previously because he is now making bad choices that affect people other than us. A few of his current choices are illegal. Yes, he is 20 yo and is making his own choices but he can't seem to see that they are bad ones. It's always someone elses fault. (i.e. "I had to drop out because you wouldn't pay for my school." "I had to work so I couldn't XYZ." "That cop shouldn't have been there." "My insurance card is got lost in the mail." "I lost the ticket with the court date." "Home brew equipment shouldn't be available to me if I'm not old enough to drink." On and on it goes.)

 

Anyway, my point is... You are not alone. I wish I had the answers. We can't stop caring about them no matter what bad choices (or lack of choices) they make but maybe we need to let them fall down so they can figure out how to pick themselves up again. Of course, whatever bad decisions they makes will somehow be "our fault" but we're smart enough to know that they are doing it to themselves (even if they aren't mature enough to realize that). And a few bad choices with consequences may teach them more about personal responsibility than we ever could!