Neighbor child issue

[mom2scouts]

It's starting already today. :glare: I have a 5 year old girl and the neighbors have a 5 year old boy. They will both start K this year, but he will go to PS. She is on the older end of 5 and very mature. He is on the younger end of 5 and very immature. Last summer they played together every day and ran back and forth between houses all summer. He is an only child and his parents don't seem to engage him very much. He spends most of his time playing with his own Ipod, computer, or video games. My dd is one of 5 children. My dd is very creative and physical. She likes to move all the time and she likes to do artistic projects. As you can see, they are very different.

 

My problem is that the little boy comes over numerous times a day and rings our doorbell and asks her to play. She doesn't want to play with him lately. He wants to go inside and play video games all day. He cries whenever he doesn't get his way. He's uncoordinated and falls down and starts crying. She tells him she doesn't want to play or she's "too tired to play right now". I encourage her to play with him for at least a little while because I feel bad that he doesn't have anyone else, but I also don't want to force her to play with him everyday. If she doesn't play with him, he cries and tells her he'll never play with her again...and then comes back in 15 minutes. If she does play with him for a little while and then says she's going inside because she wants to do something else, he cries. I don't think talking to the parents will help. They are very nice, but they rush to him every time he cries (often). I'm not sure how much I should push her to play with him. On one hand, I want her to be kind and sometimes that involves doing things we don't really want to do. OTOH, I don't think a 5 year old should have to play with someone with different interests every single day. Any thoughts?

[LaxMom]

I would speak to the parents and let them know that their 5 yo is ringing your doorbell all day long, regardless of the answer he receives. That's just rude. (not age inappropriate at all, but that's why 5 year olds have parents, you know?)

 

It's unfortunate that he doesn't have someone else to play video games, but it's not your daughter's role to fill simply because he wants her to.

[katilac]

In this case, I would be the gatekeeper and answer the door when he knocks, "DD cannot play today." It's easier for you to say because I said so than it is for your dd.

 

If she likes to play with him occasionally, she might enjoy it more if she knew it would be limited, and she wouldn't be put on the spot all the time. "Do you want me to tell neighbor boy that you can't play today, but you should be able to tomorrow afternoon?"

 

Would they possibly enjoy parallel play? Such as your dd working on an art project while he plays his video games? This might work if he's just lonely and wants to be able to tell someone when he reaches a new level :001_smile:. It won't work if he's insistent on pulling the other person completely in.

[AnnaM]

I agree with being the middle man. Also, what about having her initiate the play time, but it be specific "Would you like to come over and play soccer with me?" or "would you like to paint with me". I'm not sure how that would work out but it sounds good in my head.

[Munchkins_mama]

My SIL has a fabulous system with kids in the neighborhood. They have a little stop sign on the door for when the kids are not allowed or don't want to play. When the sign is up, the neighbor kids know not to ring the bell or ask to play. When they are available, there is a GO sign. Maybe if you try something like that, it would only take a few times for the kid to get it. I don't mean that he would 'get it' but that 5yos are very literal and if the sign says no, he might not ring, just because it says not to.

[CupOCoffee]

My SIL has a fabulous system with kids in the neighborhood. They have a little stop sign on the door for when the kids are not allowed or don't want to play. When the sign is up, the neighbor kids know not to ring the bell or ask to play. When they are available, there is a GO sign. Maybe if you try something like that, it would only take a few times for the kid to get it. I don't mean that he would 'get it' but that 5yos are very literal and if the sign says no, he might not ring, just because it says not to.

 

:thumbup: this is exactly what we do! I've posted it before: Red Circle = NO knocking/ringing; Green Circle = feel free to knock/ring. It works...

 

We used colors and no words, so even the non-readers got it. I gathered all the kids together one day when everyone was out. Explain a few times; give grace a few times w/reminders. Then, if the red circle is on and they knock or ring: we.don't.answer! (and no I don't have social issues :lol: )

[happyhomemaker]

My SIL has a fabulous system with kids in the neighborhood. They have a little stop sign on the door for when the kids are not allowed or don't want to play. When the sign is up, the neighbor kids know not to ring the bell or ask to play. When they are available, there is a GO sign. Maybe if you try something like that, it would only take a few times for the kid to get it. I don't mean that he would 'get it' but that 5yos are very literal and if the sign says no, he might not ring, just because it says not to.

 

I'm stealing this! Neighbor kids knocking on the door during school hours or even after my kids have said they don't want to come out drive me crazy!

[katilac]

I guess it boils down to how kind you want to be.

 

Meh, I disagree. I really dislike the mindset that says one is being unkind if one does not bend to the desires of others. This kid not only wants her to play with him, he wants her to play exactly what HE wants to play.

 

Yes, of course it's a kindness to occasionally accomodate neighborhood kids who are lonely, difficult, or downright annoying. But, in this case, it's the child herself who really has no desire to play with the neighbor (as opposed to the parent finding him rude or difficult). I think it's a bit much to cast a 5-yr-old as being unkind if she doesn't want to frequently play with a child who doesn't share her interests or mesh with her personality.

 

You gave an example with extenuating circumstances: the mother was injured. You also had more than one kid to, ahem, share the misery :D. How old were they at the time? I would expect more from a 9-yr-old, for example, than from a 5-yr-old, although I also readily admit that I wouldn't expect anyone in my family, including myself, to give up every evening (or afternoon) for a year for a kid we barely know. I salute anyone who is willing and able to do that, but I don't think anyone, kid or adult, is an unkind person if they choose not to do so.

Edited August 7, 2012 by katilac
clarity

[Kathryn]

I agree with being the middle man. Also, what about having her initiate the play time, but it be specific "Would you like to come over and play soccer with me?" or "would you like to paint with me". I'm not sure how that would work out but it sounds good in my head.

 

:iagree:

 

My SIL has a fabulous system with kids in the neighborhood. They have a little stop sign on the door for when the kids are not allowed or don't want to play. When the sign is up, the neighbor kids know not to ring the bell or ask to play. When they are available, there is a GO sign. Maybe if you try something like that, it would only take a few times for the kid to get it. I don't mean that he would 'get it' but that 5yos are very literal and if the sign says no, he might not ring, just because it says not to.

 

That's a great idea!

[NanceXToo]

I think she should be able to choose her friends, just as you do. If she doesn't want to play with this child, she shouldn't have to. As long as she isn't rude or cruel to him when she sees him (which I'm sure she's not), that's "kind" enough IMHO. She shouldn't have to play with someone she's not interested in and doesn't have anything in common with out of a sense of obligation.