I think I just messed up

[kristinannie]

My kids were having a gymnastics class and we have just started going there (a few weeks ago). Anyway, this mom was complaining about how our state is trying to change the law to make pre-K mandatory. I was telling her that I homeschool and that, under the law, kindergarten isn't even mandatory. I just had to report this year for the first time (we just started 1st grade). This other mom said that kindergarten was definitely mandatory. I told her that the law says it isn't, but that the school system can decide whether to place an older child in kindergarten if they aren't ready for 1st grade. She got really angry and said that she works for the public school system and she should know. Then she stormed out of there.

 

I definitely did not want to be antagonistic at all. I was trying to explain the law to this other mom because she was considering options other than PS for pre-K. She wanted her child to stay home for pre-K. Now I feel bad and embarrassed.

 

I never say anything bad about our school system even though it is definitely terrible. I don't try to convince others to see my side. I basically lie low and only talk to people about homeschooling if they are interested. Our school system is VERY anti-homeschooling and often tries to intimidate people into sending their children to school.

 

Should I apologize next week at gymnastics or should I just pretend like it didn't happen?

[Bee Happy]

I wouldn't feel bad. You weren't even offering an opinion, just facts.

I think the other mom should be the one to check her facts and apologize to YOU next week. But, eh...that's just my opinion. lol

[My3Munchkins]

:grouphug: I would let it go. You may just upset her by bringing it up again, even if it is to apologize.

[5LittleMonkeys]

If she got that defensive and p*ssy about you stating a fact then I would say to just ignore her in the future. I've dealt with people like that and it doesn't matter what you say...if you homeschool you are the enemy so anything you say must be wrong. You could show her in writing the laws regarding mandatory attendance age and she would probably still use some type of pretzel logic to defend her position. Been there done that, realized life was easier to sit on opposite ends of the bleachers. Just remember you did nothing wrong. She is the one who acted rudely.

[Joani]

Don't feel bad, it doesn't sound like you were out of line at all. She likely realized that she didn't know for sure and was embarrassed.

 

I wouldn't bring it up, but be prepared in case she brings it up next week.

[jewellsmommy]

Va is the same way but, apparently, no one informed them of their own laws. :lol: When dd came of K age, I looked up the law and it stated that K was not required basically if you had a reason to not do it. So I called up the school board and asked if I needed to fill out a waiver blah blah blah. I had to quote the law to her. She kept passing me around. They ended up having me argue it with the school board's lawyer :glare:. I won. They didn't know their own law.

 

I had my reason. My dd was having an extensive surgery that Sept. and was going to require therapy for months after. I didn't want her on the books as a kindy because I wanted the option to not test her as a 1st grader the following year. Plus she is on the young side of the cut off. I ended up entering her as a 1st grader the following year anyway.

 

Anyway, the law is what the law is. If she wanted to try to prove you wrong she could look it up herself. I wouldn't say any more about it.

Edited July 3, 2012 by jewellsmommy

[ByGrace3]

I don't think it is a big deal, but I think it really is a perspective thing. In Fl, K is not mandatory, but a public school can choose not to accept you into first I'd you did not register for K. It may not happen, but under the law it could. To me, that MAKES k mandatory in my book. "You don't have to do it, but if you don't we can make you later" is not a solid enough recourse not to declare for k, so in my book, in Fl, K is mandatory. I think it depends in how you look at it. In FL, the idea of not making school age compulsory until 6 is with the intent of if a family wants to postne K they can, not to skip k. If you have to go through public school K to get to first grade, I don't think homeschooling should be any different. Just another perspective on the issue. ;)

[kristinannie]

For the record, I did do kindergarten last year. I just didn't report it since I didn't have to. :D

[Harriet Vane]

I don't think you messed up. I think she did.

[mom2scouts]

I'm in Ohio where the compulsory school age is 6, but kindergarten is required by law. I believe this is so that parents have the option of waiting another year before some children enter K. This is what Ohio law says:

 

No school district shall admit a child into first grade who has not successfully completed kindergarten except as

outlined above. Successful completion of kindergarten means that the child has met the kindergarten

requirements at one of the following:

1. A public or chartered nonpublic school; OR

2. A kindergarten program that is all of the following:

a. Offered by a day-care provider licensed under Chapter 5104 of the revised code.

b. If offered after July 1, 1991, is directly taught by a teacher who holds one of the following:

(i) A valid certification or educator license issued under Section 3319.22 of the

revised code;

(ii) A Montessori preprimary credential or age-appropriate diploma granted by the

American Montessori Society or the Association Montessori Internationale; or

(iii) Certification for teachers in non-tax-supported schools pursuant to section

3301.07.01 of the revised code.

c. Determined to be developmentally appropriate.

[Writerdaddy]

sounds to me like you value harmony with others and living without regret.

 

so, while it might be awkward to apologize it might be okay to give a smile, make small talk, try to patch things up. maybe if the opportunity comes to apologize for something, like "being so insistent," what's the harm to you? It sounds like you like to be on good terms with everyone. I understand that.

 

I say give it a try. It's nice to apologize even when you've done nothing wrong if it makes others feel better.

 

That's assuming one doesn't have big self-esteem issues, feeling small, inferior, bad and wrong all the time for inexplicable reasons. Then, it might not be good to apologize too often. Otherwise, I say fire away!

 

there's also a chance that she looked up the law herself.

 

good luck!

 

Alan

 

ps. I don't want to even talk about the riff my wife and I got into at soccer practice with the coaches and some other parents-- oh... so much regret, so painful even now to think about it.

[Hunter]

You are not responsible for her feelings. She is. She chose to get upset.

 

I've learned that less is more when I think other people are acting inappropriately to what I have said. Saying more just usually brings more of what has already taken place.

 

You don't need to apologize when you have done nothing wrong. If I am in a position of authority and the other person is in a very vulnerable place, sometimes I'll make a sort of apology to a person, but other than that I've tried to stop taking responsibility for things that are not my responsibility to take. It is enabling people, not helping them and it's not good for me either.

 

And you know what? Sometimes even when I'm DEAD wrong, it's not the end of the world if I act like everyone else, and just do not take full responsibility for every teeny tiny little thing that could have been handled better.

[redsquirrel]

You didn't try to start a fight. She has incorrect information and you were genuinely trying to make sure she knows the truth. NY has the same exact rules about kindy. It's not manditory, you don't have to report blah, blah. People have told me straight up I am wrong, that it is mandatory etc.

 

Honestly, I have seen that type of response (not about homeschooling but other things) that I would doubt that she even 'works for the school district'. There are a lot of people who will fall back on some false authority to try to shut you up. Maybe she does, but it is just as likely that she doesn't.

 

Let it go. She acted badly, not you. I would just let it go. Smile and walk on by next week.

 

It's not you. I promise.

[duckens]

Yes, you were right about the law and homeschooling, but unfortunately, she was not in a place to hear what you had to say. An apology from her would be nice, but that is not your job. Your responsibility is for YOUR PART.

 

If it was I, and I saw the mom next week, I hope I would be the bigger person, approach her, and say, "I'm sorry we disagreed last week. I feel bad about that."

 

Say nothing about homeschooling. Say nothing about Kindergarten or Pre-K or the law. Just do your part to apologize and move on. If she brings up these subjects at this time, just smile and pass the bean dip.

 

I would do this for the following reasons:

 

1) You DO feel bad about it.

 

2) Your children are taking lessons here, so you may see her often. You don't want a mortal enemy, when (other than this one disagreement), she may be a good friend and resource in the weeks, months, or years to come.

 

3) Your children are taking lessons here. Whether they are watching or not, this is a good time to model "bridge-building" behavior. Kids don't know these skills innately. They need a lot of examples and practice doing it.

 

4) Your children are taking lessons here and may be interacting with her children. You don't want your children's potential friendships put at risk by bad feelings of stuff between the parents.

 

Dd lost her best friend this year because of this. The other mom was so mad at me that she barely spoke to me for over 6 months. It took me a long time to even know she was mad, and I had no idea why.

 

For over a year now, there have been no playdates, no trips to the pool together, no birthday parties attended or other shared group activities. The only good thing about this is thegirls graduated from preschool and would have been going their separate ways for Kindergarten anyway.

[kristinannie]

sounds to me like you value harmony with others and living without regret.

 

so, while it might be awkward to apologize it might be okay to give a smile, make small talk, try to patch things up. maybe if the opportunity comes to apologize for something, like "being so insistent," what's the harm to you? It sounds like you like to be on good terms with everyone. I understand that.

 

I say give it a try. It's nice to apologize even when you've done nothing wrong if it makes others feel better.

 

That's assuming one doesn't have big self-esteem issues, feeling small, inferior, bad and wrong all the time for inexplicable reasons. Then, it might not be good to apologize too often. Otherwise, I say fire away!

 

there's also a chance that she looked up the law herself.

 

good luck!

 

Alan

 

ps. I don't want to even talk about the riff my wife and I got into at soccer practice with the coaches and some other parents-- oh... so much regret, so painful even now to think about it.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for this post.

[abba12]

You know, being right dosen't mean we have to be standoffish about it. It's these sorts of 'fine, your problem' attitudes that make people think homeschoolers are stuck up. There seems to be no understanding here at all. I'm amazed at the amount of people not even willing to give this person a second chance. You know, maybe she acted out because she was emotional about the topic, she was asking questions because she felt trapped with a bad situation for her child, and she got defensive because she thought the OP was giving false hope, or she couldn't cope with being told that it was an option again after she thought she had already confirmed it was not. Maybe she's angry at the system and took that out on the OP.

 

Note, I am not saying she was right in her behaviour. She reacted badly and inappropriately. The OP did nothing wrong. As such, the OP has no reason to apologize for what she said.

 

But the OP may choose to see that the mother is in a hard time emotionally, and would like to continue to extend her hand as a support, despite what happened. She would like to let the mother know that she understands, that she holds no grudge (the mother may well be feeling bad for her reaction, especially if she looked into it later to find OP was right) and that things are ok. So with this in mind it would be completely reasonable for the OP to choose to go up to the mother and say 'I'm sorry about what happened last week'. No more pushing info about ages etc, no apologies for what the OP said, which does not need apologising for since it was right. Just a simple 'I feel sad that you were sad', an expression of wanting to make things ok and agree to disagree perhaps. Is that so much to ask? And perhaps this will help the mother to feel more comfortable, and perhaps open up to the OP. Should the OP have to make the first move? No. But it's called being the bigger person, and if the mother will not approach the OP, the only chance the OP has of making the relationship ok again is to make the step herself, or otherwise allow a wedge to drive itself between the two of them for the long term.

 

I sure wish more people would have understanding in relationships, and not be so stuck up in pride and 'well I didn't do anything wrong'. If people could put that kind of thing aside, they might actually be able to help someone.

 

When I first came into the church I was a VERY angry young woman. I was defensive and standoffish, and people here who say they wouldn't bother with this mother again also wouldn't bother with me. I would bite someones head off for saying I was wrong, because I couldn't bear to be corrected or discredited after an abusive background telling me I could never be right. It was only because of the few people who were willing to keep coming back, apologise for upsetting me even when they didn't need to, showing grace and compassion, and agreeing to disagree instead of standing with pride, and basically just trying to reach me and help me that I was able to change and get to the stage I am at now. My behaviour was wrong, and everyone knew that, but it was besides the point. I'm a very different person today because of the grace those few people showed, and I strive to show the same understanding that I recieved.

[Bee Happy]

Er, I don't think anyone is saying don't give her another chance, but the OP should not feel BAD about what she did. She should not be second guessing herself. As homeschoolers, WE walk on eggshells and we shouldn't have to. She was not in the wrong and we assume she wasn't rude, so for someone to get huffy or snippy about it...well, it sounds like a personal problem.

 

The title of the thread is "I think I just messed up"...No one should make you feel that way when you did nothing wrong.