College weight gain

[fischerl]

I need some perspective here: Say, if your DD (an adult at 21) is steadily gaining weight (beyond what's considered normal weight for her build) and you're concerned for her future health and happiness, would you say anything?

 

And if you have very strong opinions about this, please tell me whether you most identify with the mom or the daughter in this scenario.

[swimmermom3]

I grew up active and rail thin, then I went to college and put on the freshman fifteen. To be honest, it was too much beer and pizza as well as dorm food.

 

I was well-prepared academically for college, but possibly less so emotionally. I also knew next to nothing about fending for myself. My mother had fed us nutritionally sound meals, but had never let me in the kitchen to make anything for myself. I had also never done any grocery shopping.

 

I don't know what you have taught your daughter, but maybe you can approach her by addressing her schedule. She is probably very busy and if she is lacking any meal preparations skills, eating well can be difficult. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Are there routines that she could adopt that could make things easier for her to eat well?

 

I don't remember feeling compelled to change my situation when my dad expressed his concern about my weight. There are a lot of loaded emotions in that type of conversation. You have to be very careful about where you coming from. You may be concerned about her health, but if she even suspects that you might be embarrassed about her appearance, then communication can shut down.

 

At this point, there is little if anything, you can control. Let her know you love her and are there for her no matter what she weighs. :grouphug:

[fischerl]

Thanks, Lisa—that's a "good word". She's been cooking for years (a mandatory skill in this house :D) and we eat well nutritionally. But she has her dad's affection for high carb stuff, so I suppose that will always be an issue for her. I know I can't change that. When she's home she and I go to Trader Joe's and stock up on apples, trail mix, yogurt, etc., but I think when that runs out or doesn't sound good, she prefers the cafeteria at school. Her favorite dish there is a bowl with mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, and corn. :glare:

 

Great advice about watching my own attitude. I'm not embarrassed by her weight, but I admit I'm a bit concerned about dating/marriage prospects. She is pretty, fun, talented and smart, a great conversationalist, etc., but let's face it: most guys don't stop to notice those qualities if there's a weight issue, right? :tongue_smilie: (And she aspires to marry and homeschool her kids :D).

 

She's always tended toward a sedentary lifestyle as well. I've spent her life exposing her to activities that she considers fun (swimming, dance) and encouraging her to move daily. But again, I think it's more a personality/self-discipline issue. I'm not sure what else I can do.

 

Thank you again for your comments. I appreciate it.

[freesia]

I wouldn't say anything especially about being concerned about her marriage prospects. As her mother you have a lot of power over her self-concept.

 

I identify more closely with the daughter in your scenario. My weight went up and down for a while. I am now at a healthy weight. Knowing I might get "helpful" comments from my Mom, Grandmother or Uncle would make me nervous before I saw them and I would ALWAYS overeat around visits. Never once did their help (and it was meant to be helpful and was meant in a loving way) cause me to lose weight. Your daughter knows she's gaining weight and I'll be she knows how to loose it, too. Your love given unconditionally with no help in this area will more likely lead to the results you desire. Really.

[fischerl]

Thank you, Anne! Your perspective is very valuable to me. I definitely don't want to alienate her or make her self-conscious. We have a very good relationship—I love her company (she makes me laugh and we talk about things easily). I can see us being best friends in a few years (when she's no longer dependent on us financially :D) and I don't want to mess that up.

 

Thanks again for your honest words.

[freesia]

Thank you, Anne! Your perspective is very valuable to me. I definitely don't want to alienate her or make her self-conscious. We have a very good relationship—I love her company (she makes me laugh and we talk about things easily). I can see us being best friends in a few years (when she's no longer dependent on us financially :D) and I don't want to mess that up.

 

Thanks again for your honest words.

You're welcome. I can hear how much you love her and want the best for her.

Edited June 20, 2012 by freesia
typo

[ocelotmom]

I gained a lot around that age. I'm at a normal weight now.

 

Part was making poor food choices and lack of exercise. I think raising kids to eat healthy food that they don't really enjoy tends to lead to this sort of backlash when they're in control of their own food. Part was eating out frequently, which can be hard to avoid from a social standpoint. Part was probably my metabolism recovering from several years of disordered eating. I'd say *at least* 30lbs of it was from hormonal birth control, and I was on it for less than a year.

 

I agree with the other posters - I'm sure she's aware she's gaining weight, and pointing it out or putting any emphasis on it is unlikely to do anything good. It's something everyone really has to figure out for themselves, I think.

 

Once she lives on her own (and has space to store and prepare food - from the cafeteria comment, I assume she's currently living in a dorm), a gift subscription to a CSA or something like that might help ensure that she always has healthy food on hand.

 

Don't stress about her marriage prospects. Lots of overweight people find love and get married. I'm sure there are people who won't look past her weight. Are those people you really want her marrying?

[umsami]

The best thing you can do is to love her whatever weight she is. Do not mention it. Do not make a big deal out of it nor change how you treat her. (No dessert for you, sweetheart!) Serve your normal foods. Let her choose.

 

She knows. It bothers her far more than it bothers you. She may never be thin, but that does not mean she will not find love, find success, and find happiness. Key is her self-worth and self-esteem. (Doesn't mean she's doomed to marry a loser either. I married my physician DH, who is quite thin (I joke that at least one of us weighs my ideal weigh ;)), nice, intelligent, and cute... and I weighed almost 80 pounds more than he did. I'm not that weight anymore, but it is nice to know that he feel in love with me, at my highest weight. That, in a way, gave me the freedom to lose weight and not feel pressure.

 

If you want to buy her clothes and aren't sure of her size...gift cards are a wonderful thing. :)

 

I also really recommend Gina Kolata's book on Weight/Obesity to help understand that losing weight is not about will power.

 

If your daughter's BMI is 30-35, and you can afford it, you can mention one of the restrictive/hormonal bariatric surgeries like the sleeve gastrectomy. (Would not recommend the Lap-Band). At those BMIs, results are truly amazing. If it's over 45-50 (don't believe it is), then the duodenal switch is better for long-term results.

Edited June 21, 2012 by umsami

[fischerl]

Thanks, all, for your comments. She's not what most would consider overweight; it's just that I see a trend in that direction this past year. You've helped to clarify things for me; my plan is to not bring it up. If she brings up the topic, I'll go from there.

[74Heaven]

I was glad to see this thread. I am dealing with a similar problem with my new 17yo high school graduate. I thought she was "heavy" but I didn't realize how heavy til my husband took her to Urgent Care and he watched her step on the scale. I always make a point "not to look" so she would not feel bad/awkward. But then when dh told me the scale number, we were both concerned. It was 20ish pounds more than I would have guessed. It is about 15# over the top of the very general "healthy weight" range for her height.

 

My dh and I have both done WW very successfully and the the "nutrition/eating right" info is phenomenal at WW. I highly recommend it. My daughter is not interested. She is a camp counselor all summer and will be eating icky processed food for the next 10 weeks....

 

The problem is that she is ashamed of her appearance and also struggles with self confidence. So I want to help, but how?

 

I might also add that, as a family, we have started exercising about 3 months ago. At that time, I told my teen daughters, as a requirement, to let me know how they want to exercise 30 min 3 to 5 days a week. This older daughter did nothing and after a few weeks of reminders I told her she'd have to go with the family after dinner or on weekends (walking and biking) if she wasn't going herself. Now, she is independently walking or biking 3-5 days a week. She needs more exercise but I thought this was a good start.

 

I know she doesn't want to do WW, but I know her personality and it would work very well for her. (She's a math nerd and likes structure.) I am not requiring it, but I am wondering if I should. It sounds like I shouldn't because she is 17.5yo and nearly and adult. But I *know* if I did, she would probably do very well, and probably thank me later???

 

Is the best thing to do "nothing"?

Lisa j, mom to 5

[wonderchica]

If my mom told me she was worried about me finding love because I weigh too much, I think I would crawl into a hole and die. Seriously, that would have devastated me.

 

My vote is to model good choices. She knows she's gaining weight, she needs to choose to try to lose it. She may be trying already without you knowing.

[J-rap]

Hi Lori!

 

It sounds like you have already resolved this and do not plan to bring it up, but I thought I'd add a couple of things since I've had similar thoughts over the past couple years.

 

Two of my best friends growing up had eating disorders, so I was real committed to not making weight an issue at all with my four girls, same as you. In fact, we don't even have a scale out because I know that can become an obsession.

 

One of my daughters is larger boned and she seemed to be steadily putting on weight. This was probably doubly difficult for her because I have a very slender frame as does another daughter. I never wanted my larger-boned daughter to compare herself. And yet, when she seemed to be putting on unhealthy weight, I struggled as to whether I should say something or not.

 

She is very happy, confident, and we have a terrific relationship; I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship at all. In the end I decided to just work harder at modeling a healthy lifestyle -- including some very specific habits. Of course I can only do this when she is actually home. (And now she will be home until September.) Her biggest problem is that she is so busy, that she is on the go all the time and therefore eats what is quick and easy.

 

I believe we've always had fairly healthy eating habits, but I have committed myself to work harder at doing so. Sometimes as a family we'll have discussions on things like eating too many carbs, etc., in a way that isn't pointing a finger at anyone but gives everyone -- including myself -- a better insight into why healthy and careful eating is good for all of us.

 

Other things that seem to have helped our daughter (in a roundabout way!): Sometimes I have my children do the weekly grocery shopping. They know what is allowed and what isn't - :) Our staples include lots of fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, legumes, healthy snacks, etc. Because of particular circumstances and schedules, this daughter is often the one who ends up doing the grocery shopping. I believe it has helped train her to shop wisely for healthy foods.

 

Also, we really tried hard to find one sport or exercise that this daughter would enjoy (again, in kind of a roundabout way so as not to put her on the spot). When she expressed an interest in biking, we ended up buying her a nice bike for her birthday. She didn't get into biking right away, but has eventually worked her way up to riding it about 10 miles/day now.

 

Anyway -- just a couple of practical suggestions that I have found helpful.

 

I know my daughter continues to work on this on her own. It may be something she will struggle with, off and on, all her life -- who knows. I think we have given her good tools to work with though, and I never had to say a word. ;)

[Catherine]

Two young women I know are M and G, with M being as blessed with good looks (like a model, truly) as a person could be, and G, her sister, being positively plain, and large-boned.

 

M recently moved in with her unpleasant boyfriend, whom the family dislikes (secretly) and is not exactly a catch when it comes to great long-term potential. G is working and attending college, plans to become an athletic trainer, is very focused, motivated, and popular in her school (she recently graduated from high school). She reports that she and her BF get along very well because, "We're both so independent." She's confident and happy.

 

I just don't believe that one's physical appearance, or weight, bears that strongly on one's potential for happiness. Oddly enough, I don't think it bears on one's confidence either, though everything I've ever heard seems to contradict that. There are MANY ways to develop confidence. Thank goodness for G that her parents wisely did not fret over her lack of physical beauty. She seems to be doing just fine exactly as she is.

[ereks mom]

If my mom told me she was worried about me finding love because I weigh too much, I think I would crawl into a hole and die. Seriously, that would have devastated me.

 

My vote is to model good choices. She knows she's gaining weight, she needs to choose to try to lose it. She may be trying already without you knowing.

 

:iagree:

[duckabell]

I don't have any teenage daughters, but I was in a similar position as your daughter not too many years ago. I wouldn't say a thing. I gained a few pounds in college and weighed my heaviest my freshman year. I then got married a couple of years later and after my first child I lost weight breastfeeding and weighed 15 pounds less than I did my freshman year.

 

To me it really doesn't matter what I weigh -- to a certain extent -- but I also know that in college one of my best friends developed an eating disorder and I was *this* close to developing one myself but caught myself in a pivotal moment and strayed away from that lifestyle. If my mom had said anything I don't know what I would have done, but I would have been more self-conscious and perhaps tipped more towards an eating disorder.

 

As far as I see, she's an adult now and needs you for support and advice when she asks for it. Model healthy behavior, but be there as her support and not pointing out something she likely already knows herself.

[Hunter]

Eating disorders are frequent in normal weight and overweight women (and men) as well as thin ones, and the disorders can be equally dangerous and quality of life robbing at any weight.

 

Believing that people will like you better, at a lower weight, is often considered to be part of an eating disorder. Part of "recovery" is learning that this is not true.

 

An unhealthy weight is a symptom of many things. Focusing on the symptom and not the causes is usually counterproductive.

 

I think there are some moms that can help, and some that can't. As gently as possible, I don't think you are currently in a place to be able to offer the correct assistance, right now. As a NATION we have some really messed up and disordered thinking and behaviors about food and bodies. Too often the blind are trying to "help" the blind. People with "normal" and "ideal" weights don't always have healthy thinking, so are not necessarily able to provide assistance to symptomatic people.

 

Unhealthy weights usually straighten themselves out, when a person becomes mentally healthy in general, and is living in a healthy environment.

[cbhrbooth]

Thanks, all, for your comments. She's not what most would consider overweight; it's just that I see a trend in that direction this past year. You've helped to clarify things for me; my plan is to not bring it up. If she brings up the topic, I'll go from there.

 

We went through this decision making process when our 18DD went to college and gained 30lbs over 4-6 months. I was concerned for a number of reasons, health being my top priority. Initially we decided to ignore it and let her figure things out. We knew she was unhappy with her weight gain. During her Christmas break, I could see how her eating habits had spiraled out-of-control and she wasn't making the connection, so I had a heart-to-heart with her because I was concerned for her health. (I would have done the exact same thing if she had lost 30 lbs.)

 

She returned to college and halfway tried to make changes but then she had some embarrassing experiences (was made aware that her weight was an issue for joining an athletic intramural team & had a young man offer her his bus seat b/c he believed her to be pregnant.) (Her quick weight gain was unevenly distributed over her body, much like a slender pregnant woman) I think these unpleasant negative social situations, coupled with our discussions made her realize her situation and she began to diet seriously. She has now lost 27 pds. She will tell you that losing the weight has been one of the hardest things she has ever done, and she is very proud of herself for doing it. (She considers her stretch marks as her reminders of what she went through.)

 

My concerns were for her health and for enjoyment of life as a teen/young adult. There are things she couldn't do with 30 extra pounds and she avoided social functions and was unhappy and self-conscious much of the time.

 

I guess I was more alert to what could happen because my sister gained about 25-35 pds her freshman year in college and we avoided speaking about it. (Weight was a touchy subject in our household.) My sister continued to gain over the years, and by the time she was 25 years old, she had a very serious weight problem. I regret now that we weren't more transparent about our genuine concern.

 

So, I agree with you that you should wait for your daughter to come to you, especially since she is not overweight but only that her appearance is different from what you are used to seeing. However I would also suggest you be prepared for a loving conversation if you believe she is losing control of her weight or believe her health is at risk.

[Reesegirl]

I know I am coming late to this discussion but I agree with the other pps who suggested keeping quiet and to model as best as you can healthy habits. My youngest dd also gained 20 pounds during her freshman and sophomore years...but part of it was due to her thyroid. She was diagnosed with Hashimoto's when she was 16 but kept off the normal weight gain that comes due to this problem while at home during high school. Being away at college she lived in the dorm and ate cafeteria food which apparently led to over eating, plus she didn't get enough excercise and perhaps poorer choices. Last year as a junior, she lived in an apartment and did her own cooking and found that she steadily dropped the 20 pounds during the year. She also took control of her own excercising and started to run and work out.

 

It was hard not to say anything and believe me, I thought the same things as you concerning boyfriends, dates and possible marriage for the future. But now, that she has dropped the weight she is so confident and knows that she can conquer anything.

 

I remember shopping with her during a spring break when she was a freshman. She was frustrated that she couldn't get into a size 10 pants and I said, "don't worry about the size....instead pick something that fits you and looks great right now". She found a really cute pair of pants in size 12 and later received lots of comments from her friends on how cute they looked on her. I noticed at spring break this year that she left those pants here at home in her closet! She told me that they were too big!

 

I also was careful about what sort of care packages I sent to her....instead of high calorie snacks I sent healthy things like nuts, and dried fruit.

 

So, encourage her the best you can and keep the communication open.

[fischerl]

Hi Lori!

 

 

One of my daughters is larger boned and she seemed to be steadily putting on weight. This was probably doubly difficult for her because I have a very slender frame as does another daughter. I never wanted my larger-boned daughter to compare herself. And yet, when she seemed to be putting on unhealthy weight, I struggled as to whether I should say something or not.

 

She is very happy, confident, and we have a terrific relationship; I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship at all. In the end I decided to just work harder at modeling a healthy lifestyle -- including some very specific habits. Of course I can only do this when she is actually home. (And now she will be home until September.) Her biggest problem is that she is so busy, that she is on the go all the time and therefore eats what is quick and easy.

 

I believe we've always had fairly healthy eating habits, but I have committed myself to work harder at doing so. Sometimes as a family we'll have discussions on things like eating too many carbs, etc., in a way that isn't pointing a finger at anyone but gives everyone -- including myself -- a better insight into why healthy and careful eating is good for all of us.

 

Other things that seem to have helped our daughter (in a roundabout way!): Sometimes I have my children do the weekly grocery shopping. They know what is allowed and what isn't - :) Our staples include lots of fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, legumes, healthy snacks, etc. Because of particular circumstances and schedules, this daughter is often the one who ends up doing the grocery shopping. I believe it has helped train her to shop wisely for healthy foods.

 

Also, we really tried hard to find one sport or exercise that this daughter would enjoy (again, in kind of a roundabout way so as not to put her on the spot).

 

Anyway -- just a couple of practical suggestions that I have found helpful.

 

I know my daughter continues to work on this on her own. It may be something she will struggle with, off and on, all her life -- who knows. I think we have given her good tools to work with though, and I never had to say a word. ;)

 

I could have written the above about us! :001_smile: Thank you for your comments.

 

So, I agree with you that you should wait for your daughter to come to you, especially since she is not overweight but only that her appearance is different from what you are used to seeing. However I would also suggest you be prepared for a loving conversation if you believe she is losing control of her weight or believe her health is at risk.

 

Thanks; this is very helpful.

 

BTW (off-topic), how do you do multi-quotes in a reply?

[74Heaven]

Just wanted to say again, thanks to the OP for posting this question. (I have not seen this question before as to college age - i.e. a young adult - weight gain and appreciated the posters.) I have really benefitted from this discussion.

 

I did not mean to hijack the thread in anyway, just felt my situation was similar to OPs and could use some advice as well.

 

Thanks, OP and posters.

 

Lisaj

[Hunter]

A sudden weight change of 30 pounds, that shows a lack of insight and inability to stop spiraling, in a teenager, needs to be addressed even if the mom isn't sure of her ability to handle it "right". Sometimes a 3rd party would need to be enlisted to help. Most insurances would cover at least a few visits with a dietician in such an event.

 

A modification of the Eat to Live plan can work well on college campuses where there are all you can eat salad bars. I strongly recommend inclusion of cottage cheese and unsweetened yogurt for all girls, and more carbs for active girls, though. The goal of consuming a pound of raw vegetables a day, plus cooked vegetables and fruit is a good one and an easy one for girls in most cafeterias. Nuts and dried fruits are healthy, but dense calorically, and girls need to be taught to use them in amounts typical to a condiment such as mustard and catsup. They need to be careful of what sauces and oils have been added to the cooked vegetables. Microwaves are usually available to warm and slightly soften raw vegetables, to make them more appetizing in winter. Using some type of exchange system at a salad bar is the easiest plan I know of.

 

Air popped popcorn is a healthy dorm snack. If you buy a nice salt grinder, the freshly ground salt will stick to the dry popcorn far better than regular crystalized salt.

 

If the girl has a dorm fridge, she can add hot water and then cold water to sugar free jello powder in the cafeteria, screw a lid onto the container, and then let it gel in her fridge for later.

 

Fiber One cereal and low fat milk is very filling in small amounts, but warn a girl not to eat too much as it includes too much fiber to be eaten in large amounts. REI sells this measuring cup, that is a good container to eat Fiber One from, to prevent overeating it.

 

There are some very low calorie cookies made from mostly egg whites, that are becoming increasingly common now. Biscotti's and meringues mostly. Also pretzel thins are low calorie. 10-20 calories plus a hot beverage can be a nice study break.

[ocelotmom]

My youngest dd also gained 20 pounds during her freshman and sophomore years...but part of it was due to her thyroid. She was diagnosed with Hashimoto's when she was 16 but kept off the normal weight gain that comes due to this problem while at home during high school.

This reminds me of a friend of mine. He talked about going home to visit his family, and his mom dragged him straight to the doctor because of weight gain and puffiness, and it turned out he was hypothyroid. That got treated, and he was much healthier afterwards.

 

So, from that perspective, encouraging a checkup might be a good idea. You don't have to even mention weight gain - just encourage her to continue using your insurance coverage while she can and all that.

[fischerl]

.

Thanks, OP and posters.

 

Lisaj

 

:001_smile:

 

So' date=' from that perspective, encouraging a checkup might be a good idea. You don't have to even mention weight gain - just encourage her to continue using your insurance coverage while she can and all that.[/quote']

 

Good idea.