I'm not good at being mature sometimes ...

[ondreeuh]

I need some encouragement to "do other right thing"" when I really just want to be petty.

 

We moved last summer to a native village so my husband can teach in the school. If you don't know anything about native Alaska villages, just, know that white people a definitely outsiders and have to prove themselves. There is another teacher here who has lived here 9 years and is accepted, but for the first few years it was hard, and one elder in particular was just mean and awful to her. Now that elder is her babysitter and they are close.

 

Well this elder really doesn't like my husband. Suffice it to say that her grandsons were a hot mess before we moved here, but everything is my husband's fault. An outsider makes an easy scapegoat, you know? She is also on the school board and told the school district that she wouldn't approve his contract if it was renewed. So even though the school district is happy with dh's performance, he had to resign.

 

She is really just an awful person. Aside from the various things she's done to sabotage my husband, she also yells at my preschooler when he comes near the girl she babysits. This is despite the fact that i am right there, and they are playing nicely. I avoid her and avoid eye contact, and have stopped getting my mail during mail time and have stopped going to community functions because I don't want to deal with her yelling at my kid or giving us the stink eye. Our village of 74 people has nothing to do aside from community functions, so I stay home for days at a time.

 

Our village is hosting a festival this week, and she is in charge of the food. I guess in the past the teachers have helped her in the kitchen, but 1) my husband wasn't asked to, 2) he wouldn't volunteer to hang out with her, and 3) he was busy bringing in people from the dock and airstrip and was fixing the heat at a building. So apparently she is mad at him, mad enough that she interrupted his meeting to tell him that she left dishes for him to wash since he wasn't at the school the whole day. :001_huh: She said this in front of a group of people so he couldn't say anything but ok.

 

He's my dilemma: I was asked (through the other teacher) if I would help cook for the potluck. The school kitchen can't cool all the meat needed to feel 200+ people so she wants community members to help by cooking at home. I said sure, and this elder called me to ask if I could cook 2 packages each for 3 meals. I said sure. She sent over 72 pieces of chicken ... Apparently a package is 12 pieces. I'm going to have to cook two recipes for each dinner, so I can cook half in the oven and the other half between 2 crockpots, but I was happy to pitch in and kind of flatterd to be asked. Now, however, I just want to hand her a box of chicken and tell her to suck it.

 

Please convince me that taking the high road is worth it ... Because after all the tongue-biting I've done this year, I am very tempted to "get her back." I know that long-term I would regret it, right?

[Rosie_0801]

1. Some people are jerks.

2. Unless you want to kick the entire village, don't kick this woman on this occasion.

3. Your husband may have been put on the spot, but he could have said he had been working all day too but would wash dishes if she helped.

 

Rosie

[tex-mex]

Hubby worked with Yupik villagers on St. Lawrence Island -- he is blond haired and blue eyed married to an Apache (me). What you describe in remote villages is accurate. There have been situations where I am welcomed warmly by the indigenous folk while hubby is ignored. If anything, it has helped him understand prejudice better and see the world thru my heritage POV. On the other hand, hubby will travel solo without me and be greeted warmly by indigenous folk. I tell him people are the same under the "skin"... most people are kind, but every now and then you run into a crabapple. Sounds like this elder is a piece of work.

 

I would not do anything as this can jeopardize dh's position in the community. Cook the meat and help serve. She is an elder, and despite her cruel ways... she is to be respected. Everyone knows her tricks but they all have to put up with it. Bush life. Hang in there. :grouphug:

 

Any idea on your dh's contract for the next school year? Will you stay or move?

Edited May 7, 2012 by tex-mex

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

Just ask yourself - will it help? If you take the chicken and dump it in her yard (as I'd be tempted to do) will it help or hinder the situation? Seems to me the high road is the only option.

 

That is so awful. I'm sorry you're dealing with yuck. It's funny to me how mama bear I get when someone goes after dh. He's a big, grown up man - but I'll take you out if you mess with him! :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Do the right thing, then go home and cry if needed. We lived for 5 years in a place where I was reminded often that "you aren't from here." It was hurtful and lonely, not quite as isolate as you, but we were still outsiders. :grouphug:

[Deb in NZ]

When in Rome...

 

You are living in their village & their rules, customs, etc. are how things are done there. Ex-pat life is hard, but when you don't have an ex-pat community to fall back on life can be very difficult. In this situation your "job" is to support your family & dh. That means not to make waves. Within the walls of your house you can do things your way, but when out in the community, you need to respect the way that life is for the people who live there. In many native communities elders have a lot more power / influence than the elderly do in our society. In many ways I think that the unquestionable respect for our elders is something that our society has lost & we are much the worse off for that loss. This lady, even though she is difficult, has earned her position in the community. What you see as unreasonable, may from her point of view be quite reasonable. Things that we see as normal (i.e boys & girls playing together) may not be the norm there. Body language (i.e. speaking assertively, making & holding eye contact) is seen as self confident in American society, but in many native societies this body language is seen as rude, abrasive & taken as a challenge, especially if from a women.

 

Also, it can take years, even generations to be fully accepted into the community. Have you & your dh decided to make this village your home forever? If not, then you need to see yourselves as visitors and as such you will be treated a bit differently from the 'natives.' This happens in America, too. Think of how new immigrants are treated. They are expected to leave all of their customs, language, etc. at the border & become American. People who continue to wear their native style of clothing, take foreign foods for lunch, speaking their native language, etc. are seen as not wanting to fit in & become true Americans.

 

I have lived in two 3rd world countries & currently live in my dh's home country, where we have decided to make our home. I have enjoyed my 22 years living overseas, but not all of it has been a bed of roses. When I get upset, I ask myself if I am looking at the situation with my "American glasses" on? Am I upset because things aren't as they would be if I were living in the States? Even after more than two decades away, I still find myself taking offence where none is intended, especially if I am tired or stressed. Do what needs to be done to make things easier for your dh (i.e. cook the meals that you agreed to cook). Don't expect to be thanked. You are just doing what is expected.

 

When the festival is over & life has calmed down, with your dh relook at why you decided to move to the village. What were your goals? What goals have you achieved? What surprise challenges have you come across? What has brought joy into your life there? What has brought tears of pain & frustration? How are your children coping with the challenges of ex-pat life? The answers to these questions are more important when you look at renewing the contract for another year than the support of the difficult elder.

 

JMHO,

[Tammyla]

I would cook that chicken and attend the gatherings. If you pray...I'd pray hard and past a smile on my face. She will not like you either way, and seeing you happy is your revenge.

 

(I would keep my kids away from her though.)

 

I've lived in places where I stood out like a sore thumb and it was hard, but they (bullies) expect you to give up. I'd plan to kill her with kindness; even if it made me sick.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Tammyla