How to help dd12 make friends-sorry, long

[jengjohnson]

All her best friends have slowly moved away over the past three years. She's a natural introvert, but does really crave a connection with someone. Over the past several months she's repeatedly mentioned that she's different from all the other girls and wonders if she'd be "normal" if she went to regular school. I try to reassure her with stories of how few good friends I had during middle school, but it doesn't matter to her.

 

Today she went to a science program at a college, didn't have a friend to invite. She ended up grouped with some girls her age and talked about how they acted and what they talked about and thought they were so boring and immature(spitting drinks on each other). Of course, I think she's pretty great- excellent student and athlete, caring, considerate, respectful, etc. I just think she's probably not good at the small talk that's needed to even begin a friendship. She doesn't even seem to connect with the girls on her soccer team whom she's with at least 6 hours a week. I don't think she knows what to say to them.

 

I've thought about inviting one over, but I worry about what they'd do. In the neighborhood she plays outside with boys (the few girls don't want to "play" anymore). In the house she mostly reads, writes, and plays piano.

 

We have definitely discussed the, "You have to be friendly to make a friend." She seems to be making an effort, being much more chatty and smiling during something like soccer practice, but once it's over I don't think she knows how to continue the conversation.

 

How can I help her? Start a book club? Join a co-op? PLEASE give me some ideas!

[FlyingMOm]

I don't have any great advice but wanted to say :grouphug::grouphug: to you. My heart hurts a little for your sweet daughter. I hope she finds some friends soon.

[Gentlemommy]

:grouphug: I don't know, that was ME to a T when I was that age. I went to school, and looking back, I would have LOVED to have been homeschooled. School was painful for me. It was boring and a waste of time-i really wanted to LEARN something, and i saw past all of the fluff that goverened our day at school. I wasn't picked on or anything, just not really noticed at all. Thing was, I didn't exactly want to be noticed either...a lot of what the kids were doing seemed stupid and immature to me as well.:001_huh:

I'm definitely an introvert, and it's not until adulthood that I be found true, meaningful friends. My saving grace in school was dancing. I went to class every weekday from 4-10, and on Saturdays from 10-5. Knowing I had that to pour everything into gave me something to look forward to. I played the high school 'game' because in order to belong to the dance company, I had to have a certain GPA. ;)

I hope your dd can find a few truly great friends...maybe a book club? I wasn't a fan of the small, gossipy talk, so having something TO talk about, like a book, would have been helpful. Not to mention, kids that belong to a book club are typically...not into as much 'fluff', iykwim.;)

[kroe1]

Theater has been very good to our terribly shy, introverted DD11. She was so shy that she could not order her own food at a restaurant. We had just moved to Florida to an island with no children which didn't help either. Someone suggested we put her in an acting class which seemed ridiculous to us. We forced DD to go anyway out of desperation. After a year we had a very outgoing, confident DD who is now on a stage at every opportunity. She's still shy, but no one would ever know. She has friends of all ages, too. Theater taught her how to overcome her shyness and how to overcome the fear of being "off".

 

p.s. She was a soccer player before acting/dance/singing took over her life.

[Mommyfaithe]

I was herb too...in school, and I am still healing....sigh.

 

My youngest dd is a lot like that.

She thinks kids her age are totally stupid....illiterate....and silly. She gets along great with adults.

My goal is for her to be an adult, so...I am not too worried as long as she gets out and does some activities happily. Right now she takes a drama class once a week, and they do plays...then there are rehearsals. These kids are all bunch of oddballs:tongue_smilie: really nice kids, raised well, lots of parental involvement, and need to be serious about their work, but silly enough to ACT. It has been really good for, especially after her " mean girl" experience on swim team.

 

 

Anyway, my older girls were just like this, only they had each other, so I didn't worry too much. They are still best friends and did just fine in college. They did NOT roll with the crowd, but found some nice friends. Older dd met her husband, next dd met her amazing ( hopefully by me sil soon) boyfriend.

I do worry a bit about dd because she is surrounded by brothers, but she is very good friends with her older brother and her boy cousin, who is a year younger and also home schooled.

 

Your dd will be fine. A book club sounds like a great idea...maybe us WTM moms could set up a virtual one too? Anyone know how to do that??

 

Anyway. :grouphug: to you and your dd.

Edited April 3, 2012 by Mommyfaithe

[JFSinIL]

That was me. That was (is) my oldest ds. I told him "You will make a great grown-up!" and now that he is in college - he HAS found a small circle of friends at school...in the Honors classes and Heavy Metal club (yes, there is a great deal of overlap!).

 

I put him in high school (mostly Honors and AP) rather than let him finish home school on the couch with the Labrador in large part so he'd at least be around other kids, even if he stayed quiet as a mouse. He did make a small handful of friends with the few other nerdlings he found in AP and Honors classes....and really enjoyed the interactions with several of his teachers - who in turn found him interesting. He may have seldom spoken up in class - but when it did, it would be memorable (according to the teachers.)

 

Tell your dd that IF she can get into Honors and AP classes (ds went into AP World History as a freshman since there was no Honors in history) for most of her day then she can try out High School when the time comes. She is more likely to find like-minded souls in those classes than if she is simply plopped down into regular classes. The few kids who do not want to be in school can make a regular class miserable for everyone.

[Mommyfaithe]

Theater has been very good to our terribly shy, introverted DD11. She was so shy that she could not order her own food at a restaurant. We had just moved to Florida to an island with no children which didn't help either. Someone suggested we put her in an acting class which seemed ridiculous to us. We forced DD to go anyway out of desperation. After a year we had a very outgoing, confident DD who is now on a stage at every opportunity. She's still shy, but no one would ever know. She has friends of all ages, too. Theater taught her how to overcome her shyness and how to overcome the fear of being "off".

 

p.s. She was a soccer player before acting/dance/singing took over her life.

 

This is also what happened with my swimmer dd. Theater classes were just what she needed!

[TheresaBond]

We had the same issue last year. I think it's normal for kids to go through things like this at this age. We found that a lot of the park days and meetups and field trips we attended were with kids under 10, so I posted on our local homeschool group for an "Over 10" Park Day. Parents really appreciate it--because there were a lot of kids in that age range that felt like the other things were all little kids. We now do field trips with this group as well as the younger group. Now that my daughter has some friends that are her age, she is really fine with having some friends that are a year or two younger, too.

[katilac]

Theresa has the right idea - it helps to have activities for the older kids only, and the best way to make that happen is to do it yourself.

 

To the everlasting detriment of my peace and quiet, I now host a social night once a month for teens (12-18) through one of my home school groups. They pay a small fee to cover food and drink, and take over the living room, kitchen, and backyard for several hours. Occasionally some of them will play video games or put the radio on, but, for the most part, they just talk and eat and talk (and then talk some more).

 

It's a nice, low-pressure situation for socializing. We deputized a few of the really outgoing kids to talk to and include the really shy ones, and that worked out really well.

 

I also do some more organized activities, but I think that teens in particular are often MORE self-concious, and less likely to talk, in a setting like a book club (when they don't know each other).

 

One more thing: I, too, have a daughter who is often easily annoyed by the silliness of other teens (and kids, when she was younger). It's very easy to take this too far, and get a bit superior about peers roughhousing or spitting drinks on each other. I had some conversations with her. I pointed out that, one, there's nothing wrong with a bit of silliness at times, and it doesn't mean the person isn't smart or otherwise mature. Some of my fondest teen memories are of absolute stupidity, lol. Two, her negative reaction is, to some degree, an attempt to mask her own discomfort.

 

If she's a Jane Austen fan, point to the example of Mr. Darcy, who said that he didn't have the talent of conversing easily with others - he couldn't catch the tone of their conversation or be interested in their concerns. Elizabeth Bennet didn't accept his excuse, and told him that it wasn't because he completely lacked the ability, but rather because he wouldn't take the trouble to practice.

 

All I ever really needed to know in life, I learned from Pride and Prejudice :D

[Mommyof4ks]

It is hard. My dd and even my younger boys talk about how immature most kids are, so I get what you mean. We have done playdates even for my dd12 to get her to become closer to other girls, and it is working well. Many of her friends have gone to school now.

[myfunnybunch]

A book club is a great idea. It will help her meet some girls who are interested in reading and discussing books.

 

When my ds did a children's theater production, I was struck by the variety of personalities in the cast and how accepting everyone was. The kids spend A LOT of time together.

 

And some small-talk/social skills coaching might be helpful. Small talk has never come easily for me, so ahead of time I think of a list of questions I might ask others, based on what I know about them. (For example, if she meets someone in acting class, she might ask "Is this your first class, or have you been acting long?") Even if it feels awkward for her at first, practice makes it easier, both role-play and real life practice. Honestly, I still find small talk a bit tedious, but it does help form a connection and a bridge to more interesting conversations. :)

 

Cat