Question about genders and courting...

[ezrabean2005]

I was thinking about this recently. First of all, I have nothing *against* courting, but I did have some observations about it that I wanted to ask about. I sincerely hope that I am not being offensive as I understand each family must make the choices for their own family. If this is offensive, please let me know and I'll take this down.

 

Here's what I wanted to discuss: Is it more advantageous to be one gender versus the other when it comes to courting?

 

Here's where I am coming from in my thoughts: I read about the Duggers and the Maxwells (big families with a conservative approach to dating) and ONLY the older boys are married. The older girls, some in there 20's or early 30's are still at home.

 

In real life, I grew up with many girls whose families believed this philosphy. So the boys went off, had successful courtships and married and (in my experience) the girls are all still at home and over 30. Some are employed, but most are "running the home" for mom and unemployed without any boyfriends or anything.

 

What disturbs me is that these girls want to get married, but they aren't being courted. I am frustrated that their parent's ideas (and now the girls') are keeping those hopes from even happening. They will still have good life, but what about their hopes of marrying and having children? It seems that these hopes are genuine and I know I had the same hopes (so it is familiar to me).

 

I only know what I've been exposed to growing up and what is portrayed in the media. For the record, I did not do this with DH. I'd left the church by then.

 

What do you think?

[Rebecca VA]

I've seen what you're describing many, many times. What's especially sad is that the young men will often wait until they're in their mid- to late-twenties and then choose much younger women to marry. This leaves the women of their own age without much hope of ever finding anyone.

 

I think the leaders of the courtship movement need to address this in a big way. It's simply not fair to women.

[AHASRADA]

In my faith community, there is no "dating", so I would refer to our system as "courtship". I was wondering if it is handled differently in your community, though, in a way that "short-changes" the girls? For example, does the family sit back and wait for a boy to show interest in their daughter, while the male simply goes off and finds a girl to show interest in? If that is the case, it is definitely not fair. Both parties need to be "actively looking" in order to find a mate.

 

The girls should be mentioning their female friends as possible mates for their brothers, adults should bring up the qualities of their children, nieces and nephews to families with children who might make a good match, etc. Many houses of worship have a match-making committee, where both men and women can submit an application with information about their background, education, interests, etc., and the committee of respected and long-married couples help set up good matches.

 

Just because one's faith and morals prohibit "dating" just for fun and without chaperones, doesn't mean women have to sit back and wait for a knight in shining armor to come along. Her family and community who know her well should be actively seeking an appropriate mate. God helps those who help themselves ;).

[Tap]

Interesting idea. Ds17 believes in courting (we are fine with traditional dating) and plans to follow that path. He had a girl friend for 9 months, 2 years ago, and they broke up when he decided that he didn't want to casually date someone he didn't plan to marry.

 

It would be interesting to see a statistic that shows how many males vs. females follow through on the courting model of relationships once they are in their early-twenties. I can imagine, more girls would.... but that maybe just me thinking stereotypically.

 

I wonder if there are a shortage of boys in the courting mindset?

[Julie in CA]

Well, two of my boys are courting young women, and my other dc will probably also follow that example.

 

I think it's possible that what you're describing with young women could happen, but I don't think it's difficult to prevent.

 

I think it's about...networking. Is that too modern a term to use?

As my girls get older, their sibs, aunties, uncles, cousins, etc, will be actively looking for people they should introduce to them. I'm anticipating my girls doing lots of activities where they'd find suitable spouses. Activities within the larger denomination of our church, for instance. Perhaps the girls might end up doing some travel to far-flung relatives who are like-minded, etc. Though there are possible drawbacks to social networking like Facebook, I know lots of young people who are finding it easy to meet friends of friends with common values, and it's a non-threatening way to figure out if someone is even a possibility for a good match.

 

ETA: So, I guess I meant to say that while it's possible for girls to languish without attention, that's kind of a sign of family that's not working through the process. :001_smile:

Edited February 13, 2012 by Julie in CA

[Cindyg]

Yeah, I think if you're going to do that, Dad and Mom need to be actively seeking a mate for the daughters.

 

I have one IRL friend who did that. The daughter asked the dad to find her a guy. They did so. They married. (It did not turn out well, but that isn't the point of the thread.)

[AmyontheFarm]

My dd18 was concerned about finding a mate but loved the ideals of courtship. Her biggest problem was finding a guy in our community that wasn't related to us! :D We sort of figured that she'd find someone when she went off to bridal college, err I mean Bible college but the God Lord had a different idea. She has officially been courting for 6 days and 22 hours. Yeah, she keeps giving me updates! LOL :lol:

 

I'm proud of her. She stuck to her desire to court, waited and God provided for her. Of course, she's just 18 but by the time I was 18 I had been engaged for one year.