ktgrok Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 My poor daughter, who is 21 months, gets hit, shoved, and pushed down every time she is around other kids. Even her cousin, who is 9 months younger has shoved her down, pushed her, etc. This weekend a little boy the same age as her shoved her repeatedly, then ripped out a chunk of her hair!!!! Totally ripped it out. My poor little girl is totally clueless and doesn't see it coming. Even if they shove or hit her she just looks at them like she doesn't understand what they are doing. I don't see this happening to other kids. Does my daughter just give off a victim vibe? Or is it because she doesn't go to daycare and most of the other kids do? I've already told dh we are enrolling her in martial arts in preschool, lol! Seriously, I was put in a headlock every day in 4th grade by a "friend". Maybe she inherited this from me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missouri Okie Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I've wondered this too as my son also seems to attract bullies. He's 7 now, but even as young as your child, the mean boys came after him. My daughter doesn't seem to have the same attraction fortunately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Thanks for the hugs! The day her hair got pulled I was traumatized, more than she was. She's tough and didn't even cry. But I almost did! And that night I couldn't fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her hair on the ground, blowing away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 From what I've read, yes some kids do act, talk, behave in certain ways that make them more likely and less likely to attract bullies. I read a study once where took bullied kids and coached them on behavior, changed their clothes, hair style etc and put them in a different school and they were not bullied. At that age though, I think she is too young to say that. It is probably just an unlucky coincidence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 :grouphug: Sadly a little yes. Some kids are just easier targets. When she gets older you will need to teach her how to stand up for herself in the meantime...:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Well, I don't know if your dd gives off a victim vibe, but I do know that toddlers in general can be a rough crowd. When my dc were toddlers, I usually kept within a couple steps of them so I could stop a little arm ready to hit, or warn a child to stop before someone got hurt. In fact, even just this past summer I had to lean over and tell a little guy to stop throwing sand at my 5 y.o (who does not have a victim mentality, lol!) ...his mom was standing right next to him and didn't say anything the first time he threw sand so I told him to stop when I saw him getting ready to fire again. (She then picked him and left without saying a word :glare:) I do think it's important your dd see you address aggressive behavior even at this age so it's clear to her that it's not ok for others to be so rough with her. So, what are the other moms doing? Do they tell her they're sorry? Make sure she's ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 That is horrible! :grouphug: Could you avoid these situations and/or people, at least until she is older? Even if it's family, sometimes being anti-social can be a good thing for awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 I do think it's important your dd see you address aggressive behavior even at this age so it's clear to her that it's not ok for others to be so rough with her. So, what are the other moms doing? Do they tell her they're sorry? Make sure she's ok? Hmm, sometimes they say sorry to me, but not to my daughter, which seems odd to me. My sister is mortified by her daughter's roughness, and tells her no and separates her. She's only just turned one, so she is really too little to know better I guess. The hair pulling incident was with a friend's son, and she was very embarrassed, but also very unsure about how to handle the situation. She even asked me what to do. I felt uncomfortable telling her how to parent, but when he escalated and pulled dd's hair out I said something along the lines of "you have to go home now, because I won't let you hurt dd! You gave her a boo boo so you can't play now." Something like that anyway. She just picked him up and didn't say anything, and even if it didn't help maybe it sunk in to my daughter. I did say something like "i won't let you hurt dd!" hoping she would realize she didn't deserve to be hurt. But she isn't real verbal yet, so who knows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 The hair pulling incident was with a friend's son, and she was very embarrassed, but also very unsure about how to handle the situation. She even asked me what to do. If she's asking for advice, I don't think you are telling her how to parent by offering suggestions. This is really the wonderful part of having friends whose children are close in age to yours~brainstorming and sharing ideas. If I knew there was a pattern of rough behavior with certain children, I would sit down and play with them to see what the triggers were. Stop the hair pulling before it happens or as it's occurring. With my little boys, I must have repeated "gentle touch" a dozen times a day, placing my hand over theirs and laying it on their sister's arm to make it clear that was the only way they were allowed to touch her...no hitting! It doesn't sound like your dd has a victim mentality as much as it sounds like maybe the other mom's aren't sure how to address their children's behavior, in which case, you want to make sure you're close enough to her to prevent it. Hope your dd finds a gentle playmate soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 When my son was a toddler, he allowed anybody and anyone to take stuff from him, shove him down, etc. But, he really didn't seem to care. He just went on about his day. I don't think he feels things like normal kids do. As he got older, it mostly stopped, because he is not a small kid, maybe. But as an older kid (he's 11 now), we're still having to teach him not to let other kids push him out of line, etc. I don't think that he cares much even now -- he's only conscious of the line thing because his parents care, LOL. He's very laid back and easy going, and stuff just doesn't affect him. I'm glad he's not a small child or things could be different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: Edited November 19, 2011 by Julianna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 From what I've read, yes some kids do act, talk, behave in certain ways that make them more likely and less likely to attract bullies. I read a study once where took bullied kids and coached them on behavior, changed their clothes, hair style etc and put them in a different school and they were not bullied. At that age though, I think she is too young to say that. It is probably just an unlucky coincidence. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Hmm, sometimes they say sorry to me, but not to my daughter, which seems odd to me. My sister is mortified by her daughter's roughness, and tells her no and separates her. She's only just turned one, so she is really too little to know better I guess. The hair pulling incident was with a friend's son, and she was very embarrassed, but also very unsure about how to handle the situation. She even asked me what to do. I felt uncomfortable telling her how to parent, but when he escalated and pulled dd's hair out I said something along the lines of "you have to go home now, because I won't let you hurt dd! You gave her a boo boo so you can't play now." Something like that anyway. She just picked him up and didn't say anything, and even if it didn't help maybe it sunk in to my daughter. I did say something like "i won't let you hurt dd!" hoping she would realize she didn't deserve to be hurt. But she isn't real verbal yet, so who knows. So it was just you and your friend? Not a group situation? Kids this age do pull hair. It is not aggression per se, it is sensory seeking. It is a phase, and is very common. Some children are more physical than others. I can't believe you send your friend and the child home like this (assuming he was a friend, and not an acquintance you wanted to ger rid of)! It was the other mom's job to follow the children closely and not to allow this to happen, but it was your job and responsibility towards your daughter as well! I've been in plenty of playdates when another kid was a puller, and I follow the kids. Both moms, actually, follow the kids, while chatting, and watch closely. Even then, these little hands can be quite fast. I guess I understand sending them home, if the mother was not a good friend, was repeatedly neglectful, and didn't supervise well, and you wanted to end the relationship. But in a regular playdate with someone you'd want to see again? Way over the top. ETA: at 21 months that child is NOT a bully, and your child is not a victim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 So it was just you and your friend? Not a group situation? Kids this age do pull hair. It is not aggression per se, it is sensory seeking. It is a phase, and is very common. Some children are more physical than others. I can't believe you send your friend and the child home like this (assuming he was a friend, and not an acquintance you wanted to ger rid of)! It was the other mom's job to follow the children closely and not to allow this to happen, but it was your job and responsibility towards your daughter as well! I've been in plenty of playdates when another kid was a puller, and I follow the kids. Both moms, actually, follow the kids, while chatting, and watch closely. Even then, these little hands can be quite fast. I guess I understand sending them home, if the mother was not a good friend, was repeatedly neglectful, and didn't supervise well, and you wanted to end the relationship. But in a regular playdate with someone you'd want to see again? Way over the top. ETA: at 21 months that child is NOT a bully, and your child is not a victim. We had already decided it was time to go home, partly because the kids were getting tired, and hers was getting more and more physical. If we had just started the play date then no, I wouldn't have said we had to leave, I would have kept her away from him for a bit though. He hit her repeatedly, shoved her twice, and then pulled out a HUNK of her hair. He got upset when she used either of the swings, he wanted both. ETc etc. It was time to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 We had already decided it was time to go home, partly because the kids were getting tired, and hers was getting more and more physical. If we had just started the play date then no, I wouldn't have said we had to leave, I would have kept her away from him for a bit though. He hit her repeatedly, shoved her twice, and then pulled out a HUNK of her hair. He got upset when she used either of the swings, he wanted both. ETc etc. It was time to go! Okay, that makes more sense :001_smile:. Seems like the other kiddo got overtired. Playdates at this age are tough, and are mostly for the moms anyway. He should have been shadowed closely by his mother after the first incident. How on earth did he end up hitting her repeatedly? They are typical toddlers, though. One who is mellow and doesn't mind, the other who is more physical and intense. No one deserves to be labelled, especially not a 1 year old. I know a 12 year old boy who is fantastic with younger children, is incredibly impathetic and caring, and genuinely interested in spendign time with them. He was very physical when he was a toddler. Hitting, biting, throwing things. You name it. It is often those who have trouble controlling their emotions and behaviors because they are highly sensitive and get overwhelmed easily when they are toddlers / preschoolers, who grow up to be sensitive, insightful, artistic and empathetic teenagers. (If they are parented gently, that is.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Okay, that makes more sense :001_smile:. I know a 12 year old boy who is fantastic with younger children, is incredibly impathetic and caring, and genuinely interested in spendign time with them. He was very physical when he was a toddler. Hitting, biting, throwing things. You name it. It is often those who have trouble controlling their emotions and behaviors because they are highly sensitive and get overwhelmed easily when they are toddlers / preschoolers, who grow up to be sensitive, insightful, artistic and empathetic teenagers. (If they are parented gently, that is.) What a fantastic insight! My son was a hitter, and very physical. I had to really really keep an eye on him as a toddler, and limit park time to about 15 minutes or he would start to get too rough. But now he is SO good with younger kids! I will have to tell my friend that, as she was so embarrassed by his behavior. I really wasn't mad, but at the same time think she needed to be a bit more clear that his behavior wasn't ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 What a fantastic insight! My son was a hitter, and very physical. I had to really really keep an eye on him as a toddler, and limit park time to about 15 minutes or he would start to get too rough. But now he is SO good with younger kids! I will have to tell my friend that, as she was so embarrassed by his behavior. I really wasn't mad, but at the same time think she needed to be a bit more clear that his behavior wasn't ok. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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