I walked around my old university today, munchkins in two...

[eloquacious]

...we had been visiting my dad's family in CT/MA, and were en route back to their home in PA. Walking around the Yale campus on a beautiful fall day, I was reminded of all of my former hopes and dreams. I took great delight in watching my two little men charm the undergraduate student body. I was saddened because my husband is currently in Europe on business, and has still never seen the campus.

 

More than anything, though, I wondered what it would all be used for. For some years, the entire experience has been somewhat of a burden. There are tuition loans that we'll be repaying for many years yet. Sitting at home doing potty training or disciplining my toddler/preschooler, I don't feel like the person who wrote the papers I occasionally dig out of my memory box. I can't even remember being her, but I want to be her again.

 

I left my master's program shortly before finishing it because I was getting married, and my husband legitimately feared for my safety. (Did I mention that I was teaching in an inner-city middle school in Baltimore, which was closed at the end of that year for being persistently dangerous ... including to teachers?)

 

My husband has been saying lately that he'd like me to finish my master's, but neither one of us is sure what that even means. I could complete a master's in reading, or go on to entirely other academic pursuits, etc. We've agreed to have one more child, if we are so blessed, (though I would have preferred two more!) and sooner, rather than later. That, in addition to the fact that my husband would like to send the boys to school, could potentially free me up in a few years to either study, write, teach, or some combination of the three. But how do you regain that? And how do you even begin to decide what you'll do, knowing that your family and marriage will remain your top priorities? In some senses, I knew even at university I didn't want to be the career businesswoman. I knew that I wanted a family, and when the Lord blessed me with a husband, we didn't wait to have children until some later, unspecified period.... but that also means that I got off the educational/career ladder at a really inopportune time, and I'm not sure how to get back on, or if I even should.

 

Sorry for the rambling thoughts...I'm obviously still processing all that I saw and felt today.

Edited September 19, 2011 by eloquacious
I just realized I wrote "munchkins in two" rather than "in tow"

[Lolly]

You process and ramble in a very lovely manner. :grouphug:

 

It is hard.

 

Thought I would bump it up for you. New threads sometimes are buried rather quickly.

[Cammie]

You are not alone! Lots of dreams, lots of degrees, equal number of school loans. And here I sit on the other side of the world still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Sigh. Who knew it would take so long?

[Nan in Mass]

My husband and I took our boys through our college and it felt very strange. There were the trees we used to climb. There was were the swans who pecked me to get my peanut butter and fluff sandwich. There were the tables where we sat doing problem sets. All those now dusty dreams... When you revisit an elementary school, everything is much smaller because you are older. When you revisit your college, everything is the same size even though you are older, which feels wrong somehow. I wanted to reach back through time and hug my former worried self and tell myself that good things were coming. My husband and I agreed that it was very weird.

-Nan

[eloquacious]

Yes, I wanted to go back in time and show my former self my munchkins, and tell her of the hottie she'd meet, and how she should just ignore all those other losers in college. ;)

 

I think part of the problem is that I've spent so much time running the "it's perfectly legitimate to be "just" a mom and wife" apologetic ... because, you know, IT IS, that I've ignored the fact that being a mom and wife might look different in different family situations and dynamics. Perhaps, just perhaps, God gave me the desire to use my brain in certain specific ways for a reason. Academia might not be for everyone, but it might be for me.

 

Look at Susan Wise Bauer. Okay, maybe not too long, you'll get dizzy. I know I do when I survey what she's accomplished. It should be noted, though, that she's had significant help from grandparents and a supportive husband. My husband, while supportive, will not be able to take a huge role in learning, either home of after school.

Edited September 19, 2011 by eloquacious

[chiguirre]

I've had similar feelings too, although we haven't taken the crew to Penn yet. I planned to work and did until my sons were diagnosed with autism. I used my BS and MBA enough to feel I got my investment of time and money back for them and I don't think I'll ever go back to a business field, but I do want to start a third career when my hsing days are over.

[sleepymommy]

I've felt this periodically throughout the year and it is a struggle internally. I've looked through some of my old college papers too and sometimes think I'm looking at the work of another person entirely. The name on the paper will have my maiden name and that person almost feels like a stranger to me now.

 

It's kind of sad really, but I feel guilty for being sad about it for I have been so blessed with a wonderful husband and children. Our life is good.. really good. So I shouldn't feel like I've lost something, since I have gained far more.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do get how you feel.:grouphug:

[mamakimberly]

I figure there will be a season of life when motherhood is not my "main" job. For now, I split work/mom duties maybe 30/70. There will be a season when I can make that 50/50, and then eventually 80/20... the work of being a mom is never DONE entirely, but it should be less life-intensive at some point.

 

I had a short season where I was teaching at the private school our daughters attended and there was something great about being dressed up every day and having a real reason for make-up and hair and SOCIALIZING... but I also found that it was hard on the family when I was busy with school (I directed the hs and ms plays and was gone late at night during those times of the year).

 

That type of season may come around again in the future. Until then... I'm just trying to be content in *this* season.

 

And I just used the word season like 80x more than necessary.

 

Anyway, I hear you, I identify with you, and I know many of us have been (and are) there in our own lives.

[Susan in KY]

My advice is to finish the Master's. I did, and from the vantage point of a dozen years later, with children of an age that I can return to some p/t work, I am sooooooo glad I have it. It was my ticket into a situation where I can continue to home school and pick up some fairly well remunerated hours at not a great disruption to my home life during the school year. I wouldn't have got my foot in the door without the degree behind me.

 

For the record, I am training elementary school teachers in a curriculum that I have used for the past 6 years. I have an MA in Urban Education. The years spent home schooling don't always take you farther and farther away from the work-a-day world as I assumed they would. It didn't feel like I'd ever get my "old life" back when my two were in strollers—and I didn't. I got back something far richer. Don't worry away these early years. Enjoy them!