Parenting advice needed.....sharing?

[Once]

Seems we have a tween in the house that likes her stuff. She has two younger brothers that share a room but she has her own. She likes to take things in there and keep them for herself, stuff like her own pencils crayons or Legos that she has bought. For the most part this does not bother me as she does is casually and her brothers have their own pencils crayons and Legos as well. Also, they are items that can break and get lost and she is good about taking care of her things. It is not clearly an offense to them.

 

But today I am bothered because she will not share something that I think she should.....and now that I think about it I see other things that she can be lacking in generousity about. This is personally hard for *me* because I value a generous spirit.

 

She will not share her new Lego magazine that arrived today. Yesterday, my youngest got his. Today, she got hers but my middle son.....the one that is most generous in nature....she refuses to let him look at it for five minutes while she is busy doing something else and cannot look at it. I would even supervise him to make it is not lost or damaged. I told her that I was disappointed because it hurts him and because I know she would want him to share his if his arrived first but she will. Not. Share.

 

WWYD?

[AK_Mom4]

Let it go. You have expressed your disapproval and that's sufficient for now.

 

Honestly, it sounds more like self-preservation than a lack of generousity. She has some things that she values and that she paid for (legos, pencils) and doesn't want to share them with younger brothers, so keeps them in her room? That seems pretty reasonable to me.

 

Please don't think I am being harsh, but she is more likely to be willing to be generous if you stop pressuring her about it. Mom's disapproval is a powerful weapon, but my experience with teens has been that if you force the issue, they push back even more. Your DD is a little younger, but I would give her some space and privacy and room to grow on this issue.

 

And...of course...the boys would not need to share THEIR things with HER, either.....

[Danestress]

each get their own copy of that same magazine? So you have three copies, once they all come?

[Once]

I wonder how I should deal with the hurt feelings of my middle son. He is very generous with his siblings and others....almost to a fault........and is very hurt by this. I don't want him to change his ways. I do not mind her keeping things as her own but this was fairly hurtful to him and seems unneccessarily protective.

 

I get your point about the teen years and she needing to find these paths on her own. Thank you. I value that highly as weel.

[Once]

each get their own copy of that same magazine? So you have three copies, once they all come?

 

Yes but the youngest gets a different version and it is not the same as what my daughter received. He let his sister and brother look at his yesterday. I guess my point is that we all share things temporarily and she is being the exception and noticably hurting him

[Sophia]

How have you handled sharing in the past?

 

In our house, dc need to respect each others personal things, but I do enforce sharing, especially when I think one dc is just being plain mean.

Not sharing for the sake of selfishness is unacceptable.

 

In this instance I would tell her she had to share for a specified time like 30 minutes, at which time the magazine must be returned.

[Skadi]

In our house, ownership is a right that you gain when you reach the age of adulthood or when you are able to buy things with your own money via a part time job (whichever comes first). Until you actually work for your own money outside the home, then it isn't your stuff. It belongs to the family. More precisely, it is a gift from the working parents to their children, to be enjoyed by all. Where did she get the money to buy "her" things? I'm guessing that that money was a gift from you, in the form of an allowance. So for us, she wouldn't have a choice. Either she shares or she will be denied that item (and other items too, if need be). Why should parents feel the need to share with one child who refuses to in turn share with the rest of the family?

 

So, I think one major component is humbling the child in the knowledge of what it truly means to own something and why reciprocity is so important. The other problem with this situation may be that it isn't about her false idea of ownership so much as a feeling of power she gets by withholding items from her family. It could be that it makes her feel privileged and dominant over other people, boosting her ego. In this light, what she is doing is not only disrespectful, but also emotionally manipulative. I would have a very candid talk with her alone, exploring the underlying motives of her behavior and explaining that for her own well being, this will not continue. Her bedroom doesn't make things "off limits" and the next time she is does not act in a loving, generous manner when it comes to sharing, she will face the consequences (you and her father will not share with her when a luxury becomes available). I would try to illustrate to her as clearly as I could what the family would look like if every single member acted without generosity and hoarded whatever they could away from the others. When a family cooperates with unselfish, kind hearts, then their happiness and wealth is multiplied. When they are miserly and possessive, they will always be poorer and miserable than if they had been willing to share with one another.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Skadi

[AK_Mom4]

ETA: changing my mind based on OPs post...

 

If she paid for the magazine herself, then she gets first reading rights. If this is something you pay for, then she can share it. Unless little bro is a magazine crumpler in which case she never has to share. I live with one of these - she can NOT read a magazine without creasing or tearing pages and stuffing it in between couch cushions. She gets to read them after everyone else in the family is TOTALLY done.

 

Sorry - this stuff is tough.

Edited July 6, 2011 by AK_Mom4

[LauraGB]

I would have a calm, understanding one on one talk with her about keeping things in perspective.

 

Yes, it is important for her to have her own things; A) she's a girl with a bunch of brothers, and B) she's a tween - she needs to have that freedom of personal identity. But, it's a magazine. A Lego magazine. If the brother isn't planning to tear it to shreds or can simply care for the magazine, she should let him take a look at it. If it makes her feel better, maybe she could look at it with him, or invite him into her room and let him look at it there.

 

I'd listen carefully to any objections she might have at that point so I could try to understand if there is any other underlying reason she doesn't want to share and address those accordingly.

[Once]

Sophia, we just share....I am not sure I have handled it in the past. I guess I have the belief that we all just do what it takes to get along...meaning being careful to consider others feelings. I did not think his request was excessive.

 

The resiprosity is the issue for me, Skadi. She had received the sharing of he youngest brothers magazine just yesterday and then turned around an refused her other brother. She did earn the money babysitting her brothers and I pay poorly these days as we have a big expense coming up. Historically, I have allowed her to keep some of those things to herself because hse is quiet about it and no one is hurt and it makes sense that she is given more ownership since she is older and notices when things are damaged and lost. The teen years may change how I "enforce it" though.

[WiseOwlKnits]

My DD is younger so take this with a grain of salt....

 

I think that generosity and sharing need to be taught just as explicitly as reading and math. We don't allow that behavior in our house. All toys are shared, even if they are birthday/Christmas presents. Legos that one child is given are put into the community Lego box so that everyone can enjoy them. DD has a magazine subscription and she gets first dibs at looking at it (within a reasonable amount of time), but after that it's community property. Anything that she's not capable of sharing gets put up so that no one can enjoy them, which happens very rarely in our house anymore.

 

In this situation in our house, I would take away her magazine until her brother's issue comes (and probably hold her next issue so that she received it last as well). I would also make her apologize to her brother and think of something nice to do to/for her brother to make up for hurting his feelings. Last, I'd start looking for opportunities to teach her to share with her brothers.

 

My guess is that your DD will continue to be stingy with her stuff as long as you allow it. Think of it from her view - she's got the best of both worlds. Her brothers share whatever she wants openly and generously. And she gets to keep all of her stuff for herself without consequence.

[Once]

ETA: changing my mind based on OPs post...

 

If she paid for the magazine herself, then she gets first reading rights. If this is something you pay for, then she can share it. Unless little bro is a magazine crumpler in which case she never has to share. I live with one of these - she can NOT read a magazine without creasing or tearing pages and stuffing it in between couch cushions. She gets to read them after everyone else in the family is TOTALLY done.

 

Sorry - this stuff is tough.

 

The magazine is free to everyone. The Legos were bought by dd with here earned money. The middle child does not destroy or lose things. It is tough and I feel like a ninny for not knowing how to handle it.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Once
i wrote a wrong statement about who paid for what....sorry!

[WagsWife]

In our house, ownership is a right that you gain when you reach the age of adulthood or when you are able to buy things with your own money via a part time job (whichever comes first). Until you actually work for your own money outside the home, then it isn't your stuff. It belongs to the family. More precisely, it is a gift from the working parents to their children, to be enjoyed by all. Where did she get the money to buy "her" things? I'm guessing that that money was a gift from you, in the form of an allowance. So for us, she wouldn't have a choice. Either she shares or she will be denied that item (and other items too, if need be). Why should parents feel the need to share with one child who refuses to in turn share with the rest of the family?

 

So, I think one major component is humbling the child in the knowledge of what it truly means to own something and why reciprocity is so important. The other problem with this situation may be that it isn't about her false idea of ownership so much as a feeling of power she gets by withholding items from her family. It could be that it makes her feel privileged and dominant over other people, boosting her ego. In this light, what she is doing is not only disrespectful, but also emotionally manipulative. I would have a very candid talk with her alone, exploring the underlying motives of her behavior and explaining that for her own well being, this will not continue. Her bedroom doesn't make things "off limits" and the next time she is does not act in a loving, generous manner when it comes to sharing, she will face the consequences (you and her father will not share with her when a luxury becomes available). I would try to illustrate to her as clearly as I could what the family would look like if every single member acted without generosity and hoarded whatever they could away from the others. When a family cooperates with unselfish, kind hearts, then their happiness and wealth is multiplied. When they are miserly and possessive, they will always be poorer and miserable than if they had been willing to share with one another.

 

 

:iagree:

I even go a step further: I don't care how something came into the house (birthday gifts, Grandparents, etc) it all belongs to Dh and I. Period! While there may be things that are generally thought of as belonging to one child or another...if they *really want to get snarky about sharing something, I will lay claim to it, and then will give it to whoever I choose...and NONE of them want that to happen!

 

That being said, there also has to be mutual respect for each others property. If child A does not want child B to borrow something because child B has shown that he can't be trusted to take care of things...that is child B's problem.

[OrganicAnn]

I know someone from a large family who had to do a lot of sharing as a kid. She became the most selfish adult I know.

 

I don't know if sharing and kindness is learned, but I think it is. I would think that it is learned through example and parents expressing their values.

[black_midori]

My first thought was - will he mess up the magazine?? Usually my 7yo only has troubles sharing with his 5yo brother when he has concerns about things getting messed up in some way (we had this today, in fact, with a toy I thought he was stingily not sharing but that turned out to be something that the younger almost immediately did the wrong thing with!!). So, I'd get to the bottom of WHY before I became hard-core about MUST.

 

BTW - I actually ended up taking that specific toy away from BOTH of them, because as I was going to talk to the 5yo about not messing with it, the 7yo found it necessary to jump up from the school table and rush over to join in about how he was "messing it up" and "I told you not to touch it!". Since I was already handling the issue, I became irate with said 7yo for being rude and they both lost the opportunity to play with the toy... Sigh.

[Mama Geek]

While you work with your dd, maybe also work with your son. It sounds like a good teaching opportunity about just because you ask someone for something doesn't mean they will give it to you or lend it to you. That should not be a decision maker on how he treats other people.

[DawnM]

I don't say it is mine, but I do say that the right to use it is mine.

 

My boys recently bought their own 3dss. They have been saving for over a year in anticipation. I would not take them away permanently, but I do have a right to say they can't use them for X amount of time.

 

To OP, we get the lego magazine here as well. I do make them share. The magazine isn't something that is laid claim to.

 

There are things that are theirs only and since they share a room they each have a couple of drawers and space in bins under their beds that are "THEIRS" alone. We have a strict rule about not going into others' private areas (drawers and bins). However, if a child has put an item into his own bin that is a shared item, the other child is allowed to come to me and tell and I will take care of it.

 

This has been a bit of an issue with my oldest particularly. He has Asperger's and has some very particular ways he thinks certain things should be taken care of. :tongue_smilie:

 

Dawn

 

:iagree:

I even go a step further: I don't care how something came into the house (birthday gifts, Grandparents, etc) it all belongs to Dh and I. Period! While there may be things that are generally thought of as belonging to one child or another...if they *really want to get snarky about sharing something, I will lay claim to it, and then will give it to whoever I choose...and NONE of them want that to happen!

 

That being said, there also has to be mutual respect for each others property. If child A does not want child B to borrow something because child B has shown that he can't be trusted to take care of things...that is child B's problem.

[Peela]

I watched a friend try to teach her little kids to share by making them share. So when they had friends over, they had to share their toys. When they wanted to play with someone, they would get a few minutes, then they had to give it up. Dh and I didn't see it work well and the mother was constantly having to intervene and supervise when it was time to pass things to the next kids. It seemed exhausting.

 

I read a lot of books on how to raise kids and this approach didn't and doesn't resonate with me. I took the approach- and I didn't make it up, I read it and it resonated- that when one child has something, they have it until they are ready to let it go. If another kid wants it, that is their problem because the other kid hasn't let it go yet. They just have to wait.

That way a child can be helped not to feel desperate about having to own and hold on too tightly to their things. It seemed to work with my kids, it involved a lot less parental supervision once the rule was established, and it stopped kids feeling desperate about holding on to stuff, because they were allowed to "own" it until they felt ready to share it. (Some kids are really much more willing to share than others and may not need a strategy at all.)

 

I think ownership is a huge part of our society's conditioning and its not ideal that we place so much value on possession. But this is the society we live in, and I have found that giving kids ownership of themselves and their things is empowering- and yes, that power might be abused, but being disempowered has its own set of problems. Better to feel empowered and then to learn the value of generosity from that place, than one of disempowerment, never being allowed to own your stuff, having to share it even when you don't want to, IMO.

 

But heck- for all my idealism....if my son gets too possessive of something that isn't all his, I am not beyond marching up to it and taking it off him, either. Theres a lot of space for being spontaneous and just following your gut feelings with most kids- they don't need to you be 100% literal and black and white all the time. If she's really being annoying about it in a way that doesn't feel ok, take it off her. But overall...I wouldn't say that would be my normal approach.