Domestic violence, abuse...how many?

[elizabeth]

We ought to co-author. I'm kidding. Well, not really. We could co-author something on the topic.

 

That is the nicest thing I have heard in weeks. As unpleasant as the subject is it needs to be talked about, read about and discussed. Codependency seems to be a coping mechanism, this is a war crime in my humble estimation. Let's keep in touch on this idea.

[Sputterduck]

This, in a nutshell, was what my most important lesson of having fallen in with a jerk is: people whom this hasn't happened to feel they have more control in life than they actually do.

 

I was MOST perplexed in how awful my classmates were to me. It was MY fault, I must have been sexually abused as a child and just not REMEMber it, I must enjoy it in the sack, I must be verbally abusing him. People I barely knew came up and offered opinions (and it was public knowledge because he had roomates ... heck, he once pulled the rear view mirror off his car, while driving, and clubbed me in the back seat with it while the man in the front hung on his arm trying to stop him). I decided that they, deep down, felt that if *I* caused it, it would never happen to them, because THEY wouldn't do what they accused me of doing/being. If it truly was bad luck (and I believe it was), OMG it could happen to THEM.

 

I will be very explicit about this, in years down the line, to my son, as there certainly are abusive women, but I cannot blame my parents for not having given me a blow by blow on what to do when Mr. Nice Guy of literally years goes bad, when I grew up in a world where no one did such things, and there was even only one divorce in our school district. Without explicit teaching on the matter, or a childhood of trouble, I do not think it odd that I was really clueless with what to do. Now I'd walk out on the first slap.

 

But what would I do now, if after 10 years and a child to raise together, hubby slapped me? Do you uproot a child for one slap? How about 2? That is the rub: it is often not that you are dumped into a cold pool, but inched into it a tiny bit at a time.

 

Wow. Great post. I totally understand. My childhood didn't include things like abuse. It had never been part of my world so I had No Idea what to do about it.

[Scarlett]

That is the nicest thing I have heard in weeks. As unpleasant as the subject is it needs to be talked about, read about and discussed. Codependency seems to be a coping mechanism, this is a war crime in my humble estimation. Let's keep in touch on this idea.

 

I would buy the book. And contribute. ;)

 

FTR, I've been divorced for almost 2 years, remarried to a wonderful man and STILL suffering at the hands of my ex through the carp he is telling our son. It is UNreal.

[elizam]

And convinced you that you are stupid, ugly, powerless, unable to handle money.........

 

By the time it was over, I felt and believed I was a total loser. Every job, every bill I pay, every "A" in graduate school, every time someone calls me to be their therapist is healing.

 

 

thank you for sharing this...

 

I was abused in marriage and finally got the courage to leave him.

 

It started as emotional/verbal/controlling and got worse over time. Escalated to his hitting the kids and then shoving me. I broke two toes that night he shoved me. I am ashamed to say I didn't do anything. Before that, when he hit our son over son's ADHD behaviors, I should have left then...but he was a little bit sorry and agreed to counseling...

 

counseling didnt work, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, took some meds for a short while, got feeling better....and went off the meds.

 

THEN HE GOT WORSE.

 

He also fits the descriptions for borderline personality, and, at this point, antisocial personality.

 

Sorry to whomever doesn't like those types of diagnoses used in descriptions of abusive relationships, but...guess what??? Even though there are bipolar and borderline people who don't abuse anyone...many abusers DO have conditions such as these. Which helps explain why they can be pretty nice, even very nice people...SOMETIMES...and then turn nasty....and then get nice again.....

 

I was scared to death of my dh after the shoving/toe breaking night. He never said he was sorry, although eventually he tried to act normal and nice again. Withing 2 months the worst episode came...he threw a potful of scalding coffee in my face. I should have gone to the ER, but I was scared that they would pressure me to press charges (and now I wish I had done both!) and/or call CPS.

 

When he abused our oldest son several times (physically, after yrs of treating him like his least favorite child), I was scared because of the whole CPS/homeschooling issue...and I believed that we should always try to make our marriages work, even mine....and my kids were younger; I was convinced it would be bad for them to live in a single parent home because you know what the goody two shoes say about THOSE kids...

 

My dh got weirder and less predictable and I truly believe that it has a lot to do with the mental illness. That said...my son is diganosed with bipolar and I am not afraid of him nor do I dislike him the way I do my now ex dh. He has not had time to develop the ugly personality traits ex has. I pray that he won't. He is easily depressed, manic, and sometimes blows up in anger very much like his father. I can't get much help for him now that he's 18 and when he was younger a few therapists blew it and called it "learned behavior" or ADHD (which he also has, but it should not replace the bipolar dx) and now ds totally doesn't see it in himself, although he will grudgingly admit he thinks his father has it...

 

I left ex dh in Fe. 2010 and never looked back. He went on a rampage over something petty and that's why I left. Smashed things, hit me in the head, took my purse and dumped it all over, took my keys, van...cancelled my phone....and drove away in the van. I was stuck home with 4 kids, 4 other vehicles that were locked and I didn't have keys to them, and a totally trashed house. Again, I should have called cops, let someone else see that house. I should not have gone and stayed with his MOTHER, for goodness' sakes. But we did, for two weeks. He'd come over there and rage and get mad that i didn't want to discuss it anymore or get counseling together (after yrs of his refusing it). He only wanted to see it from his point of view, which was reinforced by his mother and brother (ironically, both are mentally ill as well....but I'm not saying anything bad about mental illness...it's just so sad and it's important to understand that some people aren't going to get better by sheer willpower, prayer, etc.)

 

We finally went to a DV shelter and it was the best thing I ever did. learned that abuse is abuse and that's what we had lived with for too long. No, not everyone counseling us were Christians, and that bothered some of our Christian friends and pastor. Didn't I want to try and forgive and get Christian counseling? No....not really....Christian counselors are often the worst for helping in situations like this!

 

I tell my story shamelessly because I want ppl to understand abuse and I want to encourage other women to not put up with it and spend yrs ruining their lives and their children's lives just because they think it's unChristian or something, or that it's too hard/scary...it IS hard and scary, but I never regret it now!

[elizam]

I would buy the book. And contribute. ;)

 

FTR, I've been divorced for almost 2 years, remarried to a wonderful man and STILL suffering at the hands of my ex through the carp he is telling our son. It is UNreal.

 

 

ugh, it's only been a year for me and my ex is being awful about talking trash to the kids....they don't know what to make of it and they are still scared of him, speak of not liking him, etc.

[elizam]

I know. The gaslighting is the worst. Most people have no idea what that is. I could write the book on it and I am supposed to know better. After all I am a lawyer so I could never, ever be living with this situation. Guess again . Things are not always what they seem .

 

 

THIS....although I'm not a lawyer, LOL...I am reasonably intelligent but I've felt like I'm losing my mind for a long long time.

[Ottakee]

Glad to hear that you "broke out" and are finding healing.

 

We have had foster children from a satanic cult in the next county and it was hearbreaking what had happened to those children who were still toddlers.

[....]

My dh got weirder and less predictable and I truly believe that it has a lot to do with the mental illness.

 

Volumes could be written about mental illness, dysfunctional family dynamics, etc. And, the other poster was right, just because someone is bipolar (for example) doesn't mean they are in an abusive relationship. Also, sometimes it is easier to rationalize it when you say, "well, my relative wasn't attacking me, the disorder was. My relative doesn't want to hurt people, but the alcohol is doing it." And, yes, I'm sure this is also a dysfunctional way of coping with it, too, but your thinking tends to not be so normal under those circumstances.

 

Also, I have 3 very close family members with BPD and a family member with paranoid schizophrenia (ah, sigh). Schizophrenia is terrifying for EVERYBODY that takes care of that person, lives with them, etc. I have all kinds of stories that are way too personal to post online.

 

One of my relatives with BPD...I kid you not, it just went away when she was in her early 50s. She is like a normal, happy person. You would not recognize her from 20 years ago.

 

I don't want anyone to think I am bashing relatives with mental illness. But, it can be terrifying/stressful to everyone in the household or family. Most family members just want that person to be OK again and usually don't know how to deal with "situations" without getting some professional help.

 

I hope I didn't offend the other posters, I'm just not capable of talking about this without my thinking clouded by my own experiences.

[Impish]

I grew up in an abusive household.

 

I won't get into all the details, but along with the physical abuse, the waking up being dragged out of bed by my hair, etc, the psychological abuse was the worst.

 

I can remember, from the time I was 5 yrs old, being asked, "Who are you?" The first time I was confused, and said my name. "No! You're NOBODY!" and being made to repeat it. Over and over again.

 

No big surprise that I ended up in an abusive relationship.

 

I left the day after my ex told me that it was our baby's fault I didn't love him anymore, that he was going to kill me and our baby, but kill our baby first and make me watch.

 

Wolf is the first person I can remember that has ever been able to touch my face and not have me flinch away.

 

What so many don't understand is that before the first blow ever lands, the psychological warfare has already done so much damage.

[Mothersweets]

Yes. The phrase 'you teach people how to treat you' sounds all cutsy and smart, but the fact is sometimes you find yourself married to a man who lives a double life and gas lights you into believing YOU are the problem. Who is kind to you one day and stabbing you with words until you bleed the next day.

 

My spine stiffens every time I hear someone say, 'well, she should have just left!' When though? As you said, after the first verbal smackdown? Or the 10th?

 

 

Well said Scarlett.