Lawana Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 If you have experience with an open adoption, how does it work? Any positive or negative experiences? Especially as compared to a closed adoption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 We have one of each in our family. Well, one's closed by virtue of the entire system that is China, but in effect it is a closed adoption. Maybe the most closed there is. It was going through that, and living my dd's life, that we sought a different way for our second child. No matter what I write here will likely irritate some folks, so I will refrain from expanding on that. :chillpill: I will say that an open adoption comes in all styles and flavors. In ours, the contract spells out an annual letter with photos (both directions). There's no contact until age of majority, which could be amended, if either party wished. I'm so glad we have this for our son, and wish, with my whole heart, that I could also have it for my daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 It was going through that, and living my dd's life, that we sought a different way for our second child. No matter what I write here will likely irritate some folks, so I will refrain from expanding on that. :chillpill: I will say that an open adoption comes in all styles and flavors. In ours, the contract spells out an annual letter with photos (both directions). There's no contact until age of majority, which could be amended, if either party wished. I'm so glad we have this for our son, and wish, with my whole heart, that I could also have it for my daughter. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Both of our adoptions are closed, the first by choice of birthmother and the second by our choice after getting to know the family thru foster care. We know friends with open adoptions and as the previous person said, it depends on the child, the birthmother, and the adoptive family. One family I know allows the dd to spend weekends with birthmother and her family. It works for them. Another family hasn't heard from the birthmother since their child was about 3. Another does regular cards and calls. In the beginning there was a place where I needed the adoption to be closed. My son's adoption was private so we had that option. Now however, with my son anyway, I would possibly welcome even an email address or some way to contact his birthmother. And I have tried on a very simple level to locate her. We met her several times before the adoption and our son's birth so I have great respect for her. In addition, about 4 years ago my son had some serious health issues. It was at that time we realized we never received a family medical history. The adoption agency was no longer open so that wasn't an option either. It was somewhat frustrating. My dds family is very unstable and her birthmother is actually a dangerous woman. So much so that when we would go for a court date (dd was in foster care placed with us), the judge would assign an armed guard to us and that guard would never leave my side. I am very thankful we don't have any open contact. I have no doubt that the biomother has my name and could likely try to find us if she wanted, but since she is now incarcerated for hopefully a long time, maybe that won't happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 As an adopted child, if I had known my birthparents, I would have been a monster. I was very difficult during my early teenage years and I would have used this information to try and get whatever I wanted from whomever would give it. I was a step beyond very bratty, no drugs, or truly dangerous behavior, but I did not treat my parents (adopted) well and I cannot imagine the pain I could have inflicted if I, as a young teen, had possessed the knowledge of who and where my birth parents were. My parents were wonderful and loving through it all and I'm thankful that I didn't have that information then. I am probably in the minority, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 We have semi-open to open adoptions with both of our children. I LOVE it! For my dd we send letters every 6 months...but I just friended her birthmother on Facebook and am hoping to send more stuff. For my son we have texted basically since he was born. I send pics and letters when I feel like it at least every 6 months. We have gone to see her 2 times now and are hoping she wants to see us again sometime this year. We get pictures of her and her other sons which we save for when our son is older. For me it is an opportunity to make birthfamily part of their life so that I never have to deal with the fear of rejection at 18. My kids know who their birthfamily is it is not a mystery and they can see the choices that they make, good or bad, no fantasy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paintedlady Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 It's so different for every family/situation that it's hard to answer your question. We have 2 wide open adoptions. We met both of our kids' bmoms before their births, visited them in the hospital after their births and have maintained contact with them ever since. Both bmoms have since moved out of state, but we still call and talk and keep in touch on Facebook. Ds's bmom still comes to every birthday party, even from out of state, she makes a special effort to be here. Her parents are still close by and we talk quite a bit. They usually spend Thanksgiving with us at our house. They also come to ds's birthday parties. It's been very nice for all of us and we wouldn't change it. We went to Disney World last fall and since dd's bmom lives in FL now, we arranged to get together with her and her new dh and son and spent the day together. It was wonderful! All this to say that no one ever insisted that we have an open adoption and I vehemently object to anyone's idea that it should be contracted by the agency or anyone else. Both parties need to go into it willingly and maturely. It cannot be forced IMO, if you want a successful open adoption. A relationship needs to be built and then respected. We've been doing this for 11 years and mutual trust and respect are key. We couldn't/wouldn't do it this way if we couldn't trust them. hth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Our adoptions are closed. I'm reasonably comfortable with that. I would welcome the chance to meet their birth moms, but I'd want to make sure it would be a positive thing before introducing them to my sons. (That probably speaks more to my control issue than anything else. lol & sigh) There have been many times I wanted to know things...many of which would have made us better able to help our oldest. Friends of ours have open adoptions with their sons. One of their frustrations is that the oldest's bm has drifted away from regular contact. This raises questions when the youngest's bm sends letters and gifts as to why his (the oldest's) bm does not. It's caused some anxiety in the boy who is nine now. I do think knowledge is a good thing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 We are not finalized yet but our son's adoption is mandatorily open. It is a Tribal Customary Adoption. He needs to have contact with his tribe as well as his parents. However, the tribe is leaving it up to us as to how much and what kind(physical, letters, pics) by allowing us to decide what is beneficial to him as far as his birthmother and father go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) If you have experience with an open adoption, how does it work? Any positive or negative experiences? Especially as compared to a closed adoption. I really do believe you need to assess whether the birth parents will be a positive influence in the child's life. For us it is closed to the birth parents. No way! If a grand parent or aunt/uncle contacted DSS wanting to see the children DSS would then contact us with details and we would have the right of refusal. It would be a difficult decision and would really depend on where the kids were at that point in their lives. I have to be honest, I don't see that ever happening. I also want to say that when they both become of age and if they then wish to find their birth parents I will do all I can to help them. I will need to do some major preparation in my ds especially as he was so not wanted and never accepted. There are some things in his records that are. well. just. plain. horrible! Edited June 28, 2011 by mom4him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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