Men, women, marriage

[Danestress]

I read a bit on the "Excellent Wife" thread, but didn't reply because I haven't read the book.

 

In fact, I don't think I have ever read a "how to be a good wife" book, though I think my husband would say I am a good wife. My husband doesn't read "how to be a good husband" books so I guess that makes us even. Do they write a lot of those? Do men read them? For the record, my husband is a wonderful husband/friend/lover/shepard/companion so I don't wish he would read a book about it.

 

We both are Christians and are committed to following Christ in our marriage and our lives generally. I think most Christian would agree that's the most important thing.

 

But I guess I am sort of wondering, do you think generally that women are a lot more "into" marriage than men are? Generally? Do you think they care more about "how we are doing a as a couple?" If so, does that bother you? Do you feel like the success of your marriage is more your responsibility? Or do you think other women sometimes feel that way? Do you think that it is, in fact, more a woman's job to tend to the state of the union?

 

I was thinking it might sort of bother me to lie in bed reading books about how to have a great marriage while my husband read about art, theology, or the law (his favorites). Obviously if we were struggling in our marriage, I might be more inclined to read "how to" books about marriage. But anyway, I'm just sort of wondering if those of you who read a lot of these books have husband who also read them, and if not, does it bother you?

[abbeyej]

I don't think that because women may tend to read more "marriage self-help" books than men (and there certainly are some out there for men) that it means that women (generally) are more "into" making their marriages work than men. The men I know well enough to have insight into the way they approach their marriages certainly seem to be as deeply invested in making the marriage work as the women I know -- though certainly some people (of both sexes) are more or less invested than others.

 

I just think, as in so many areas, men tend to approach things differently than women do. Just because they aren't reading the same books (or male equivalents), doesn't mean they don't care.

 

And yes, I can recall reading at least one book on becoming a better wife... I don't know if it did any good ;) but it did force me to think a bit about some things I was taking for granted. And no, I don't think my dh has ever read a book on being a better husband. But I think he's an awfully good one! ;) It certainly didn't make me feel any less loved or cherished that I read such a book and he was reading something else. I think that would only happen if I *already* felt less than loved and cherished, you know?

[Joanne]

But I guess I am sort of wondering, do you think generally that women are a lot more "into" marriage than men are? Generally? Do you think they care more about "how we are doing a as a couple?" If so, does that bother you? Do you feel like the success of your marriage is more your responsibility? Or do you think other women sometimes feel that way? Do you think that it is, in fact, more a woman's job to tend to the state of the union?

 

I think women are more culturalized/socialized to be the one in charge of the emotional, quality of relationship side of relationships. I don't say that with judgement; just as an observation.

 

I absolutely don't think I AM more responsible for the quality of my marriage. I DO think that healthy men are "concerned" about the quality of their marriage relationship. They go about it differently.

 

It's simply more common for women to "read" and "work on" areas of self improvement and more common for a male to go fix or build something.

[Scarlett]

But I guess I am sort of wondering, do you think generally that women are a lot more "into" marriage than men are? Generally? Do you think they care more about "how we are doing a as a couple?" If so, does that bother you? Do you feel like the success of your marriage is more your responsibility? Or do you think other women sometimes feel that way?

 

Generally yes. And yes, it bothers me. Then again I only have first hand experience with one husband, so maybe others are different.

 

But anyway, I'm just sort of wondering if those of you who read a lot of these books have husband who also read them, and if not, does it bother you?

 

There have been times I've read A LOT of various books trying to figure out if the problem is ME or my dh. I've learned much about myself and it has positively affected my life and my relationship with dh to the extent that it is ok that he hasn't done and equal amount of research. I do often think how great things could really be if he bothered to read anything. I don't think though that his lack of reading such self-help or marriage books is an indication that he doesn't care about our relationship. He just handles his concerns differently.

[*anj*]

Do they write a lot of those? Do men read them? For the record, my husband is a wonderful husband/friend/lover/shepard/companion so I don't wish he would read a book about it.

I've seen some. My dh has read a couple of the "fathering/husbanding" books. I haven't seen any great, lasting benefit. He's doing a good job though. You know, he's got his strengths and faults, I have mine. It's fine. If one of us were perfect the other would feel threatened, so we're both just kind of happily imperfect.

Sometimes he'll have an irksome trait that I'd like him to change, but if it's just a personality thing I know that reading a book (or hearing a lecture from me) won't change that. It's a heart issue. I choose what I say very carefully. Recently I noticed an annoying habit (I didn't just notice it, but it happened like three times in a row) and I wanted to say something, but not in a naggy way that would put him on the defensive. So I just waited til he did it again and when he did I used a four word phrase that I knew would get his attention: and it did. And I know he's working on it.

 

 

We both are Christians and are committed to following Christ in our marriage and our lives generally. I think most Christian would agree that's the most important thing.

Same here, and I know that as he (and I) mature in Christ that growth will overflow to all of our relationships.

 

But I guess I am sort of wondering, do you think generally that women are a lot more "into" marriage than men are? Generally? Do you think they care more about "how we are doing a as a couple?" If so, does that bother you? Do you feel like the success of your marriage is more your responsibility? Or do you think other women sometimes feel that way? Do you think that it is, in fact, more a woman's job to tend to the state of the union?

Well, I can only speak for myself.

It's not that I'm more "into" marriage, it's more like I'm more "into" dissecting things. I want to know why/how/when/what can we do to make it better. He cares too, but his approach is different.

I think that I am probably more interested in the "state of the union" type talks than he is, but he will engage in them. He's getting a lot better at that. We're actually doing a book study with some other couples from church called "Women are Like Spaghetti, Men are Like Waffles" and it's pretty interesting.

 

I don't feel like it's my job or my responsibility to tend to the state of the union. I guess I just feel like it's kind of a strength that I have. We both contribute the qualities that come more naturally to us.

 

I was thinking it might sort of bother me to lie in bed reading books about how to have a great marriage while my husband read about art, theology, or the law (his favorites). Obviously if we were struggling in our marriage, I might be more inclined to read "how to" books about marriage. But anyway, I'm just sort of wondering if those of you who read a lot of these books have husband who also read them, and if not, does it bother you?

 

Nope, he reads books that I'm not all that interested in too. :001_smile:

But we both share parts of those books with each other, which is cool.

I don't read lots of those books. I own some, but I also own parenting books and budgeting books and homeschooling books and time management books, and theology books and cookbooks, and so on and so on.

I like to read books about things that interest me because I like to learn new a new approach or be encouraged or edified or whatever.

 

:001_smile:

[Danestress]

I enjoyed reading and thinking about them.

[Plaid Dad]

I've read a bunch of Christian "how to be a good husband and father" books, but honestly, most of them say the same thing: Eph. 5:25-33. That's not to say that they don't have some insightful applications of that message, but I find that very few of them speak to our particular lifestyle and situation. If I have a particular issue I need to work through, I take it to my pastor. I've found that far more helpful in supporting my marriage than any self-help book I've read.

[Peela]

My husband is more down to earth than me. I don't think he has ever read a marriage book, or even a self help book, wheras I have read dozens over the years. He does have a deep insight into human nature, and psychology, though.

There have been times I wish he would read one, or change in some way....he has always been open to me discussing ideas with him and we have made changes over the years, such as how we handle money together. However, my husband has never really seen our marriage in terms of needing fixing, changing, improving...he just doesn't see it like that. Sometimes I have seen it in those terms- I do think that is a female tendency. But in the end, the only person I can change is myself, so after many years of futilely trying to change my husband, I have learned to accept him and change myself, and things are much more peaceful.

If I want something from him....I ask for it. He either gives it or he doesn't.

[Alenee]

When it comes to Christian marriage books, I think there are a lot written to women in the hope to combat so much of the media's pushing women to be strong, not need a man, feminist point of view. As a Christian, I believe that women are the weaker sex in many areas but the media has pushed and pushed women to believe otherwise which has been a disaster to a lot of marriages. Mine was proof enough before I allowed God's design to be what led me. I have read two books on being a good wife and they were very enlightening. However, the change came from God alone, and allowing the Holy Spirit to be in control.

 

My dh has never read anything that entailed being a better dh and it doesn't bother me in the least. When I read the two books, I did it because I knew I needed to change some things about myself. Not saying dh is perfect by any means but like anj said, no book or lecture would give him a heart change. That would have to come from the Lord. Men are certainly wired differently and I like it that way.;)

[Vida Winter]

But I guess I am sort of wondering, do you think generally that women are a lot more "into" marriage than men are? Generally? Do you think they care more about "how we are doing a as a couple?" If so, does that bother you? Do you feel like the success of your marriage is more your responsibility? Or do you think other women sometimes feel that way? Do you think that it is, in fact, more a woman's job to tend to the state of the union?

 

 

I generally don't care for the types of books you are referring to and can't imagine my husband ever picking one up. I think marriage is very much a two way street, with thoughtfulness and consideration on both sides.

 

I have wondered myself how much of the confusion women face with regard to their role in society has to do with uncertainties in their marriage. By this I mean we raise our daughters (I am a good example of this) to have careers and if they choose motherhood later on, drop that career or make other very tough choices. When one drops a lucrative career in favor of motherhood, it creates a very difficult set of conflicts for the new mom. In the meantime, men's roles have not changed all that much over the years.

 

I have not thought all this out carefully enough but the gist of what I mean is that maybe there are a lot of self-help books for women because of these conflicting roles we are expected to fulfill.