Perfectionism - How to work WITH it

[k2bdeutmeyer]

How do you teach a child who is a perfectionist to the extreme? One who does not want to even attempt anything unless they can do it "perfectly" (or at least up to par in their mind). A child who is emotionally fragile to some extent and gets very teary and upset when pushed to continue trying after "failure" once or twice - at which point they would rather just avoid. How do you get them to understand that they must try and "fail" MANY times in order to get enough practice to reach "perfect" - and that it is OKAY to "fail"?

[lmkzbcb]

:bigear:

[Kim in Appalachia]

My dd13 is a little like that. She wants to be perfect, if what she is doing is not she panics or melts down. She gets herself to the point where she is so afraid that she could be wrong or do it wrong that she won't continue.

 

I treat it as a character issue. Really, it's pride. I let her melt down and try to speak in a way that is not offensive or attacking. I tell her that she is putting to much value on the "item" and that she can not base her worth or performance.

 

Often, after she has had a good melt down, she can deal calmly with whatever it is. The hard part is not getting caught up in her emotional upheaval. I can't get drawn into it, and I have to walk away after a certain point. I also have to eventually make her deal with it. Whether that means finishing the project or performing a piece.

 

Swimming has been good for her. She is very competitive and she is almost always 1st in our summer league. Putting her in US swimming taught her that she can be good, but not first, and it's ok. There is always someone better. Violin has been harder. Playing means a lot to her, so performing, or even trying something new, means lots of panic attacks and tears.

 

For school, it's slowly, very slowly, improving. Sometimes if I can get her to see the bigger picture I can get her through. She's doing 2 classes online, which has helped, since then her competitive nature takes over and she just does it. Though the night before exams she is an emotional mess.

 

Do realize that it is a character issue/trait and you can't just fix it. There is no quick way around it or no easy way to deal with it. Everyone has something they have to deal with. My oldest has her own issues (and perfectionism isn't one of them. ;)) Practice patience with the child, and keep trying to help. Keep encouraging the child to try.

 

I'm assuming you are talking about your 11 year old. If your problem is with the 4 year old, relax, as they get older it will get a little better. My oldest son would go into full tilt panic mode if his coloring wasn't perfect. He has gotten over it. :001_smile:

[Farrar]

I'm not sure if I know the answers of what *to* do, but one thing I saw parents of many perfectionist children doing back when I was teaching was to praise how "smart" and "good at such and such" the kids were or to talk about their high expectations of them. Oh my - clearly positive and well intentioned, but made it worse every single time.

 

Real perfectionist kids often burn out and end up behind because they don't do *anything* after awhile - so it can be pretty crippling.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I should add something. One thing that has been key is finding something that the child wants badly enough. My dd always wanted swimming badly enough to push past some of the fear of failure, sort of (She has competed, and won, races where she was crying on the block because of her fears!). Offering incentives also helps. It's not really a bribe but a distraction, something else to focus on to help her forget her fear.

[5KidzRUs]

Interesting topic! I have noticed that perfectionism is mentioned a lot in the Hoarders tv shows and also on Flylady messages.

[Anne]

In addition to the other ideas, don't overlook modeling risk-taking, trying something new, handling failure, etc. This might not make an immediate difference, but it will give them tools to deal with things in the future.

 

Anne

[k2bdeutmeyer]

It's actually my 4yr old. She's always been one to color in the lines, do everything precisely, etc. But I really started to notice it when she started getting interested in "school". She has a variety of workbooks and I've noticed that if she has to think about it, or doesn't 100% understand right away, she wants to be done. If I try and push her a little to think about it, or try to help her understand she just ends up in tears and has an emotional breakdown. I keep wondering how in the world I'm going to do kindergarten with her!

 

Lately, I've REALLY started noticing it with gymnastics. She does fine in class, because she's compliant. She does whatever the coach asks her to do without complaint. However, if we try to practice anything at home, she completely shuts down if she can't already do it. She desperately wants to be able to do a press handstand, but the second I try to help her with it she has a total meltdown and starts to avoid. BUT, if I ask her to practice her splits (which she can do) she has no problem showing off to me. I never force her to practice, and she's always excited when we first start, but as soon as she runs into a part where she has to work at it, she shuts down. But then she has another meltdown when she can't do whatever skill it is she wants. It's a catch 22, she wants the skill desperately, but refuses to do the work involved to get there, because it would mean being something less than perfect at it.

 

SOMETIMES, I can make it a game and she does okay. I think it's more the distraction of the incentive (you do 3 handstands and I'll throw you in the air 3 times - or, you finish this page and we'll play a game), than the incentive itself. I just foresee a LONG road ahead of me if I don't figure out a better way to handle her before we start formal schooling.

[The Governess]

I'm not sure if I know the answers of what *to* do, but one thing I saw parents of many perfectionist children doing back when I was teaching was to praise how "smart" and "good at such and such" the kids were or to talk about their high expectations of them. Oh my - clearly positive and well intentioned, but made it worse every single time.

.

 

:iagree: I have a child with perfectionist tendencies. I try to focus on her effort rather than her ability. "Wow, you really worked hard on that." Rather than calling my dds smart, I say they are "hard workers." In our home, everything worthwhile takes effort and accomplishments happen because of hard work. Sure, some things take more work than others, but it's important to teach that the effort is just as (or more) important than the outcome.

 

I'll also remind her a lot, "remember when we were learning about x, and how hard it was at first? And then you worked really hard and now it's so easy for you? Someday, this will be easy for you too, but first you have to get past the part where it is hard work, and the only way to do that is to practice, a lot."

 

Even with doing this, though, she does still complain and protest. I am hoping that after lots and lots of experience with the payoffs of hard work she will come to value it. Honestly, I still struggle with it myself sometimes. :D

[AK_Mom4]

Helping DS learn to get some emotional distance was key.

 

For school work, I would NOT grade his work, especially writing, right away. Yes, I would check that it got done right away, but I would not put any corrections or grades on things until some time had passed (hours or days if need be) and he had "let go" emotionally. This got us through school work with less pain.

 

Reminding myself to remain emotionally neutral during his meltdowns (MUCH easier said than done!) made the meltdowns shorter. Success in a couple of fields of his own choice (martial arts and robotics) helped too.

 

And time....lots of time....sigh. :grouphug:

[twoforjoy]

In addition to the other ideas, don't overlook modeling risk-taking, trying something new, handling failure, etc. This might not make an immediate difference, but it will give them tools to deal with things in the future.

 

Anne

 

That's what I was going to say. When you make a mistake, mention it. Make mistakes on purpose sometimes, in front of your perfectionist child, and then react to it as a normal, okay part of life and learning.

 

I do that with my DS, who a perfectionist. I'll make a mistake (sometimes on purpose, often just because I make mistakes!) and then respond to it as no big deal.

[Bonnie in VA]

My DD7 is like this, and I probably started noticing it when she was about 4. When she starts an outburst because she's (in her opinion) messing up, I walk away and let her cry without me trying to stop her. Often, she'll get herself together and proceed with piano practice or whatever it is, and then I'll calmly come back into the room.

 

When she was younger, her frustration would occasionally spiral up into a full-blown tantrum. My strategy was to let her finish the tantrum, then calmly remind her that she wasn't going to be able to do anything else until she completed the task at hand.

 

Since I knew that piano and violin were often the triggers for frustration, I'd also prep her ahead of time by reminding her that I was going to set the timer for 15 minutes, and that she would be done at the end. Knowing there was a starting and ending time seemed to help.

 

I hope this helps.

[Donna]

I credit learning violin for breaking my dd from perfectionism. She was a perfectionist from birth...never did anything until she knew she could do it well. She also was almost obsessive about her things being orderly even when she was as young as 2yo. When she started violin at 3yo, she would avoid or put off trying anything new by talking to the teacher, gazing around the room, or just dawdling.

 

What helped her was encouraging her to improvise and fool around on her instrument. I still try to always praise effort rather than results in anything she does. I also let her see me make mistakes and take credit for them.

 

The book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck was a wonderful read.