Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 MIL is at it again. Or still. Whichever. Her health is failing. She's 83 this Nov. She's finally put herself on a wait list for assisted living. However, she keeps making comments about rather living with us. Its just not going to happen. One, we don't have the room for another adult. Yes, we hope to move, but seriously, what are the chances we can find a 5 bedroom house in our price range? I'm disabled. I *cannot* take care of her. Heck, I can't take care of my house by myself, Wolf does 98% of the work around here. How in the name of heaven would we manage taking care of someone with increasing needs? As it is, we've basically decided against moving across country this year. As beneficial as it would be for my health, being so far away from her makes us both uneasy. So, we're looking at being stuck in this province for at least 2 more years. At least we're looking at south of here, so there will be some improvement in weather. It still leaves me isolated, without family support, etc. I'm just so frustrated and tired of everything being about her. If I wanted to hear, "Me! Me! Me!" I'd go to the darned opera. Everything in our lives is apparently about her, how it affects her. Even when it truly has nothing to do with her, somehow she makes it about her. I'm doing whatever I need to do to support my husband, so that he can be ok with whatever goes on. But there's just no way I could handle her under my roof. Wolf feels the same way. Her wknd visits during the summer tax us to the max. She seems to think that a decision by the WCB will benefit *her*. Has nothing to do with her at all. I'm just so tired of all of it. Really and truly exhausted. I duck her calls, b/c I just don't have the stamina to deal with her right now. Wolf gets frustrated with me doing that, but I just don't have the coping skills right now. I don't want to blow high and wide, that won't help anything, and I don't trust myself NOT to lose it at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 :grouphug: It really sounds like she must realize living with you guys is not an option, but she wants to make you feel guilty. Ugh. I probably wouldn't take calls from her with dh around, either. Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Thats just it...I'm not sure she DOES realize its not an option. Every. single. time she's here, she YANKS on my bad arm. I swear. Its like she's testing to see if its 'real'. She seems to believe that its all just a ruse to get out of our resposibilities to her (as she sees it). She's been blunt and said that Wolf owes her for adopting him. Anything she doesn't like, she completely ignores. Doesn't exist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Thats just it...I'm not sure she DOES realize its not an option. Every. single. time she's here, she YANKS on my bad arm. I swear. Its like she's testing to see if its 'real'. She seems to believe that its all just a ruse to get out of our resposibilities to her (as she sees it). She's been blunt and said that Wolf owes her for adopting him. Anything she doesn't like, she completely ignores. Doesn't exist. I do not blame you at all for not taking her calls. She sounds just awful. I don't have any advice, but to stand your ground. :grouphug: And I wouldn't put up with her yanking on you. If it were me, I would have royally cursed her out and I don't swear. That just baffles my mind that someone would do that. It's beyond disgusting for her to do such a thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm too busy gasping for air when she pulls that stunt. Wolf's gotten right up in her face about it though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I think I would keep myself and my arm away from her, with your husband firmly between you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 :crying: (I'm sorry, I don't know what your disability is, so I didn't know how pulling on your arm would affect you, so my last comment was made without that knowledge, just that treating anyone like that is absolutely ridiculous. But now knowing what it does to you :crying::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so so sorry, she sounds like a completely rotten person) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen+4dc Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I do not blame you at all for not taking her calls. She sounds just awful. I don't have any advice, but to stand your ground. :grouphug: And I wouldn't put up with her yanking on you. If it were me, I would have royally cursed her out and I don't swear. That just baffles my mind that someone would do that. It's beyond disgusting for her to do such a thing. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Stay strong!! (I wouldn't answer the phone either!):grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 :crying: (I'm sorry, I don't know what your disability is, so I didn't know how pulling on your arm would affect you, so my last comment was made without that knowledge, just that treating anyone like that is absolutely ridiculous. But now knowing what it does to you :crying::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so so sorry, she sounds like a completely rotten person) Oh, no need for sorry! Just explaining why I *haven't* torn her to shreds, at least verbally. I have RSD in my right arm. Basically, the nerves in my arm are constantly shrieking that my arm is broken, mangled, crushed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Imp, Don't talk to her on the phone. I would tell her flat out that if she ever touched my bad arm again that I would smack her as soon as I could catch my breath. Really, if moving cross country is what you need for your health, it needs to be about you. If she is in an assisted living facility, she will have care. If we had not moved 500 miles away from my MIL, I would probably be divorced by now (or in jail for assault :001_smile:). I know that for people who have nice MILs it is sometimes hard to believe what a burden it is to deal with those who are manipulative and just plain mean. Let Wolf deal with her - don't let her take up space in your brain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Sadly, nothing you could post about your MIL would surprise me. Sounds like she is winding up for her annual season of making you miserable. So sorry you have to deal with this. Could you sling your arm when she's around? Is that even possible, or would it aggravate your pain? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 She physically assaults you, and she is evil to pull that emotional blackmail about DH owing her. She doesn't deserve your company much less the comforts of your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Imp, Don't talk to her on the phone. I would tell her flat out that if she ever touched my bad arm again that I would smack her as soon as I could catch my breath. Really, if moving cross country is what you need for your health, it needs to be about you. If she is in an assisted living facility, she will have care. If we had not moved 500 miles away from my MIL, I would probably be divorced by now (or in jail for assault :001_smile:). I know that for people who have nice MILs it is sometimes hard to believe what a burden it is to deal with those who are manipulative and just plain mean. Let Wolf deal with her - don't let her take up space in your brain. The decison to stay in this province is about my husband, what he needs to do to be ok with the man he sees in the mirror. Being across country would mean we never visit her, we just couldn't afford it. Sadly, nothing you could post about your MIL would surprise me. Sounds like she is winding up for her annual season of making you miserable. So sorry you have to deal with this. Could you sling your arm when she's around? Is that even possible, or would it aggravate your pain? I can't bend my arm a full 90 degrees. A sling just isn't doable. I warned Wolf last year that she wouldn't be visiting again, and that seems to be coming true. Now its on us to get to her. Its going to be a challenge, no doubt about it. Time off work for him, financially for us...Its going to be a gong show, but we'll figure it out somehow. Frankly, I'd rather stay home. I can't, but I'd rather. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Imp.. no guilt, okay? The woman is toxic. It's not worth your energy to be concerned about her, and you certainly have no obligation to have her visiting with you. I'm sorry, but if I had RSD and someone tried messing about with my arm (and more than once, by the sounds), I wouldn't be letting them anywhere near me.. that kind of disrespect and meanness is one quick way to lose my company, courtesy, and hospitality. Why can't you stop at home? If your dh needs to see his mom in order to be happy with himself, then fine. It doesn't automatically follow that you have to go too. Urgh. Family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 B/c it would be taking the kids too. I'm not going to let her put me in a position of adding strife in my marriage, and my waving them out the door for a 3-4 day trip would absolutely cause issues. If it were just him going, no prob. But not when he's wanting it to be the family. He's viewing it as possibly the last chance the kids will have to see her, and I can't argue with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I know that for people who have nice MILs it is sometimes hard to believe what a burden it is to deal with those who are manipulative and just plain mean. :iagree: It sounds like you are in a no win situation. Would it be possible for you to move to the location you desire and for her to be placed in a nearby assisted living facility, where Wolf could visit her once a week by himself, and you and the kids could happily do your own thing, maybe make a meal to send with him or something minimal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 :iagree: It sounds like you are in a no win situation. Would it be possible for you to move to the location you desire and for her to be placed in a nearby assisted living facility, where Wolf could visit her once a week by himself, and you and the kids could happily do your own thing, maybe make a meal to send with him or something minimal? Problem is, wait lists for extended care are huge. Her coming from another province makes it that much longer. She'd have to be in her own apt to be on the list, as if she was living with us, she's automatically not at risk, which means bottom of the list, always. We've encouraged her, ad nauseum, to move to our province. She'll only consider it if it means living with us. I was even willing to have her here for a few months until she found a place...she told me my house was too much of a mess, that I'd have to 'get serious' and clean before she'd be willing...I told her to tie an arm behind her back and tell me how well SHE manages to keep house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 B/c it would be taking the kids too. I'm not going to let her put me in a position of adding strife in my marriage, and my waving them out the door for a 3-4 day trip would absolutely cause issues. If it were just him going, no prob. But not when he's wanting it to be the family. He's viewing it as possibly the last chance the kids will have to see her, and I can't argue with that. I understand. (I think I'd let my dh take the kids anyway, and enjoy the peace.. but that's just me :D ) We've encouraged her, ad nauseum, to move to our province. She'll only consider it if it means living with us. I was even willing to have her here for a few months until she found a place...she told me my house was too much of a mess, that I'd have to 'get serious' and clean before she'd be willing...I told her to tie an arm behind her back and tell me how well SHE manages to keep house. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face! :lol: Kinda works in your favor, though, doesn't it! :grouphug: it all sounds very yucky, and I hope you get something worked out. Just as long as it doesn't involve arsenic... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 It sounds like you've got visitin to do with your family. I have started speaking up when I feel it's needed to protect my children. Cheerfully say whatever you need to say. It must be incredibly difficult to deal with her when you are already in pain. Practice your "it won't work for you to live with us" mantra. She would be too much for your health! Don't give in, she'll work something out. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 2, 2011 Author Share Posted May 2, 2011 Nobody's worth jail time :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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