I need some parenting advice please (long)

[jcgonczi]

My daughter is almost 9 and is the third grade. She went to public school K-2nd. Starting this year she has attended a hybrid Christian school where she goes to school 2 days a week and we home school her the other 3 days. Her class has 13 boys and 6 girls.

 

 

Given that background, here is the issue. My daughter told me that a lot of times when she is trying to talk to the other girls in her class they don't respond to her, even when she says their name many times. The examples she gave were at recess when trying to decide what game to play and at lunch in general. She says it isn't a one time thing. She says she has prayed about it, but doesn't think God has heard her because it hasn't gotten better.

 

 

My first concern is my daughter thinking God isn't listening to her prayers. We talked about it a lot. I told her that God always hear us. I explained that even when God doesn't seem to answer our prayers, that He always makes sure that everything works out for our good. We talked about how what we pray for isn't always what we need and God knows it. I told her these are the times we have to have faith even though it is hard. We also discussed how it is always easier to remember bad things than good things, so there are probably times her prayers were answered that she doesn't remember. How do I help her with her with this doubt?

 

 

My second concern is the social aspect. Over the years I have observed my daughter in the sort of situations she was describing. I can see it happening and don't think she is making it up. I'm not sure how to describe it, but her timing just seems off. She doesn't have a problem making or keeping friends. She can usually fit in with a group just fine. While she will most likely never be the leader of the pack, she doesn't seem to not fit in in general. She does get upset at times if other girls she is playing with don't want to do what she wants to do. This isn't a regular thing, but has happened enough over the years that I have noticed. We talk a lot about what it means to be a friend and how friends should treat each other. We talk about how being a friend means taking turns, doing what others want to do, etc. My question is this – how do I help my daughter learn how to interact better with others? How do I help her overcome or eliminate the kind of situations where other girls don't respond to her? How do I help her learn the nuances of communication and timing?

 

 

I'm not sure if I am making any sense, but hopefully some of you other mothers will understand and have some words of wisdom for me. Thank you!

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Bumping for you. :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

My first concern is my daughter thinking God isn't listening to her prayers. We talked about it a lot. I told her that God always hear us. I explained that even when God doesn't seem to answer our prayers, that He always makes sure that everything works out for our good. We talked about how what we pray for isn't always what we need and God knows it. I told her these are the times we have to have faith even though it is hard. We also discussed how it is always easier to remember bad things than good things, so there are probably times her prayers were answered that she doesn't remember. How do I help her with her with this doubt?

 

The bolded: I don't agree w/ this personally. There is too much suffering in the world to say that "God makes everything work out for our good." I think we can say that He cares about us, but sin is very real, people can make choices that hurt us. --Just a thought. Feel free to ignore.

 

As far as remembering answered prayers, I think a prayer journal is priceless. Just have her write down what she prayed for w/ the date. Leave room to write when/how it's answered.

 

My second concern is the social aspect. Over the years I have observed my daughter in the sort of situations she was describing. I can see it happening and don't think she is making it up. I'm not sure how to describe it, but her timing just seems off. She doesn't have a problem making or keeping friends. She can usually fit in with a group just fine. While she will most likely never be the leader of the pack, she doesn't seem to not fit in in general. She does get upset at times if other girls she is playing with don't want to do what she wants to do. This isn't a regular thing, but has happened enough over the years that I have noticed. We talk a lot about what it means to be a friend and how friends should treat each other. We talk about how being a friend means taking turns, doing what others want to do, etc. My question is this – how do I help my daughter learn how to interact better with others? How do I help her overcome or eliminate the kind of situations where other girls don't respond to her? How do I help her learn the nuances of communication and timing?

 

If it's just a timing issue, teach her to listen to others. If it feels like no one's responding to her, have her step back and see what's going on. Chances are, she'll be able to jump back in in no time w/ a better idea of what's going on. :001_smile:

[....]

It sounds to me like it's just practice. I think she'll figure it out. While she's taking classes and stuff, she'll have lots of opportunities to work on timing/etiquette.

 

Also, it has a lot to do with personality. My 9 yro has a very timid, thoughtful demeanor. My 6 yro - oh, don't let her corner YOU anywhere! She can talk your head off. She keeps our 3 yro in a constant dialogue. It was 9:30 last night and she had dragged the 3 yro into HER bed so she could discuss the decorations for their room.

 

:lol: Kids are hilarious sometimes...

[EJCMom]

I would tell my dd that God always answers our prayers, and sometimes his answer is, "I love you, and I have something to teach you." It isn't always obvious what it is that He is trying to teach us while we are in the middle of the situation. I would just reassure her that whatever it is, will make us a better friend and to have faith that it will all work out.

 

In terms of the way the girls are treating her...you said you've observed this with your dd before. Would you say in the situations you've observed that there are social cues that your dd isn't picking up on? I know I've had a few conversations with my dc about social cues and how to read them. Perhaps there is something that she isn't picking up on and needs help identifying that.

 

:grouphug: It's so hard when our dc are going through social struggles. I'd rather walk across hot coals and broken glass barefoot than see my dc go through that.

[lmrich]

Could she invite one of the girls over on the weekend. Sometimes it is much easier to develop a healthy relationship one on one rather than in a group.

 

I would also speak to the teacher and ask her to keep a watchful eye. This behavior is very hard for a teacher to witness. Girls can be sneaky when they are being snarky. I can guarantee not all the girls in the group want to treat her rudely, but are afraid to speak up.

[Danestress]

I know that God works all things for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose.

 

But sometimes the "good" might be that in adversity, we turn to him and rely on him in prayer, which is what your daughter is doing (yeah, daughter!)

 

God is not a micromanager. He is not going to make these girls be nice. They are choosing to ignore your daughter and be rude, and God gives them the free will to do so. He let Adam and Eve do much worse.

 

In situations like this, your daughter has a great opportunity to show kindness, gentleness, humility.

 

On a more practical note, it also sounds like these girls are perhaps entertaining themselves by ignoring your daughter, since she is repeating herself a number of times. I would tell her to knock it off - that she is giving them more amusement by continuing, and that she needs to let it go.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would tell my dd that God always answers our prayers, and sometimes his answer is, "I love you, and I have something to teach you." It isn't always obvious what it is that He is trying to teach us while we are in the middle of the situation. I would just reassure her that whatever it is, will make us a better friend and to have faith that it will all work out.

 

 

 

And sometimes His answer is "I love you, and I have something to teach someone else." We have to accept that as well, and also accept the fact that we won't always be able to see His purposes this side of heaven. That's part of the difference between faith and belief.

[jcgonczi]

Thank you all for your wise words. Watching my children endure social / friend issues is absolutely the hardest part of being a mom. When it happens I just want to hug them and protect them from all the harshness of the world. I know I can't and I need to teach them how to handle it, but when it happens my heart hurts so much that I have a hard time being the grown up. :)

[Starr]

I agree with what other posters are saying about God but this could really be a mean girl thing going on at school. This is the age it often starts. There is no excuse not to acknowledge someone who calls you by name. Is this really a good environment for her? Having her just try harder may not work. I would try and figure out if it is really her problem. And the teachers won't know. Sorry. 6 girls are not enough to go around. They become a group with a leader. :( Ignore this if it doesn't pertain to you. I'm now a sensitive mom to a girl who was bullied by "nice Christian girls" and not one adult would believe it even possible.

[L2L]

wow, what great wisdom you have already received!!! Looking in from the outside, I ponder too if God is using this to show you that your daughter is not affirmed in His love for her. I would see to help her be confident in His love for her so that she does not crave the acceptance of her peers. When we are rooted in knowing God loves us then I think it is easier to accept others in their short comings because we know that God accepts all of us. I would wonder too if you have talked to her about forgiving these girls as they have hurt her? I realized a couple of years ago that I was not addressing the sins of my children when offenses were done to them. Often we look at the offender but never address the heart of the offended. IF her heart is not forgiving towards those girls, she just might be right on in feeling that God is not hearing her prayers. And then he may just be using this situation for her to learn to fall into His arms and let him heal the hurt. JMO

[Carol in Cal.]

I agree with what other posters are saying about God but this could really be a mean girl thing going on at school. This is the age it often starts. There is no excuse not to acknowledge someone who calls you by name. Is this really a good environment for her? Having her just try harder may not work. I would try and figure out if it is really her problem. And the teachers won't know. Sorry. 6 girls are not enough to go around. They become a group with a leader. :( Ignore this if it doesn't pertain to you. I'm now a sensitive mom to a girl who was bullied by "nice Christian girls" and not one adult would believe it even possible.

 

You're right, and I was coming back to say something similar. The teacher plays a big role in this, and if the school is Christian, should be talking frequently about inclusion, Christian love, kindness, etc. not pointedly at someone specific but in general; and then should be PRESENT at play so that the kids are less likely to exclude. That way no one is put on the spot, but bad behavior is less likely. Really, I expect some degree of supervision in a school-like setting, and if it's not present, I rethink the setting. It's not right to allow this to go on.

 

I don't know whether your daughter is especially 'annoying' or whether her timing is really 'off', but if she doesn't fit in at all, I would consider rethinking the placement. We don't homeschool to put our kids into this kind of position--I mean this very gently but can't think how to say it that way.

[Haiku]

even when she says their name many times.

 

My son will say my daughter's name repeatedly to try to get her attention, and it drives her absolutely nuts and makes her even more determined not to respond to him. I have told my son that if he says someone's name twice and they don't respond, stop there. Even if he's dying for their attention or thinks he's just going to bust all over the place if he doesn't get to say what he wants to say, he has to recognize that he can't keep badgering someone who doesn't want to talk to him right then.

 

Tara