freetobeme Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) my first teen is dating. or just beginning. we were formerly a "wait to date" family but my view has changed on this. talk to me about how dating is done these days in high school. what are your rules or guidelines? expectations of your teen? expectation of your teen's dates? i know each family will differ, but i need a jumping off place. . .better late than never! if it matters, there is no father in our home. thanks! :001_smile: Edited March 27, 2011 by freetobeme punctuation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 :lurk5: My oldest is nearly 15. I'll need ideas in the next couple years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) Been through this twice. For us, it was no dating until 16yo. Then, here's the options we gave: 1 - hang out with boyfriend/girl friend at our house or bf/gf house with lots of parental (and sibling) supervision. 2 - meet up with bf/gf and go to a movie (at 16yo, they can't ride with other teens except siblings, so mom/dad drop off and pick up) 3 - meet up with bf/gf at some organized youth event (often church youth group) and expect that mom/dad will be chaparoning. Since we grant pretty liberal amounts of time for choice number one, they usually end up hanging out at our house, which makes my chaparoning much easier..... ETA: just went back to read what you actually asked (sorry!) - on dates, my kids: go to movies, swimming, sledding, occasionally school dances, hang out at someone's house (usually ours since I have pretty strict rules about that).... Wash cars, shovel snow, do yardwork...I have also been know to send them to the grocery store for me with a long list - great date, huh? Edited March 27, 2011 by AK_Mom4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Been through this twice. For us, it was no dating until 16yo. Then, here's the options we gave: 1 - hang out with boyfriend/girl friend at our house or bf/gf house with lots of parental (and sibling) supervision. 2 - meet up with bf/gf and go to a movie (at 16yo, they can't ride with other teens except siblings, so mom/dad drop off and pick up) 3 - meet up with bf/gf at some organized youth event (often church youth group) and expect that mom/dad will be chaparoning. Since we grant pretty liberal amounts of time for choice number one, they usually end up hanging out at our house, which makes my chaparoning much easier..... ETA: just went back to read what you actually asked (sorry!) - on dates, my kids: go to movies, swimming, sledding, occasionally school dances, hang out at someone's house (usually ours since I have pretty strict rules about that).... Wash cars, shovel snow, do yardwork...I have also been know to send them to the grocery store for me with a long list - great date, huh? this is good! thanks! i think this is harder for me because: 1) we originally said no dating until college. 2) this is my only ps'er. 3) I really like this young man and i think he is worthy to date my child. i need to keep good judgment, though! anyone else? again, thanks!!! Edited March 28, 2011 by freetobeme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Been through this twice. For us, it was no dating until 16yo. Then, here's the options we gave: 1 - hang out with boyfriend/girl friend at our house or bf/gf house with lots of parental (and sibling) supervision. 2 - meet up with bf/gf and go to a movie (at 16yo, they can't ride with other teens except siblings, so mom/dad drop off and pick up) 3 - meet up with bf/gf at some organized youth event (often church youth group) and expect that mom/dad will be chaparoning. Since we grant pretty liberal amounts of time for choice number one, they usually end up hanging out at our house, which makes my chaparoning much easier..... ETA: just went back to read what you actually asked (sorry!) - on dates, my kids: go to movies, swimming, sledding, occasionally school dances, hang out at someone's house (usually ours since I have pretty strict rules about that).... Wash cars, shovel snow, do yardwork...I have also been know to send them to the grocery store for me with a long list - great date, huh? This sounds pretty reasonable. This is basically what we do with our teen. She can do things with families or in groups. I would add that I almost *always* met guys on our first several dates even when I was on my own in college. I was *very glad* a couple of times when the guy drank more than I was comfortable with, but wasn't really drunk. It might be wise to start discussing that sort of thing early. Edited March 28, 2011 by Mrs Mungo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My oldest has been old enough to date for about a year. Our biggest rule is dates need to happen in a public place. Do not place yourself in situation where you are alone with your date. My son can't drive yet, so the issue of being alone in a car hasn't come up. Being able to date seemed to be more important than actually dating. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) this is good! thanks! i think this is harder for me because: 1) we originally said no dating until college. 2) this is my only ps'er. 3) I really like this young man and i think he is worthy to date my child. i need to keep good judgment, though! anyone else? again, thanks!!! Why not invite him over for dinner and board games? Get to know him in a supervised manner -- before the dating begins -- like school dances, sporting events at school, prom, etc. Eeek. I think starting off with stricter boundaries is easier (i.e. supervise them) than no rules to begin with. Our 15 year old ds is interested in a girl who is also homeschooled. But so far, we have arranged meetings with them (with us parents in attendance) at the public library, bowling, restaurants, laser tag, picnic, etc. We say they are not dating nor are they boyfriend and girlfriend. They are friends. But we do have them get to meet each other on a monthly basis with a fun event with both families or a group of teens. At this point, my only issue is the girl's mother -- whom we adore. But she is always calling or emailing me to get to know ME better. Yikes. We like the family very much. Right now, it is awkward as we have to make a decision to keep the meetings focused on the teens. And be friendly with the parents, but not best buds, kwim? My fear is if the teens stop interest with one another -- it will be awkward to stay friends with the parents. My teen's feelings come first. Edited March 28, 2011 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Being able to date seemed to be more important than actually dating. ;) THIS with my 2nd born! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I would add that I almost *always* met guys on our first several dates even when I was on my own in college. I was *very glad* a couple of times when the guy drank more than I was comfortable with, but wasn't really drunk. It might be wise to start discussing that sort of thing early. Good point. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Why not invite him over for dinner and board games? Get to know him in a supervised manner -- see, this is what i was thinking. and dd is not against this. we just haven't made it happen yet. thanks for the confirmation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 see, this is what i was thinking. and dd is not against this. we just haven't made it happen yet. thanks for the confirmation. Set some ground rules. No visiting over to see your ds if you are not home. When he is over, he cannot go to her bedroom. Make sure his family knows he is over at your place. Any rules broken is grounding or whatever logical consequence. Get to know the kid. Invite him over to wash the car. Help dd cut the lawn. Watch a movie with the rest of the family. BBQ time. Grocery shopping. Cook a meal together as a family. The idea is you set the boundaries with him and tell him he has to earn your trust. DD too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) We haven't presumed problems where there are none, and have been none. We didn't set an age. Dd first went to the movies with young men around age 14- often with groups, then sometimes on a special date with one guy- none of these ever led anywhere. At 15 she had a boyfriend for 5 months but he was too clingy and serious for her. At 16 she really fell in love for the first time but then fell out of love rather quickly. She would rather not have a boyfriend at all for a while- she wants her freedom. I think so much depends on the nature of your child and your own values- for us, we are far more interested in the emotional health of our kids than whether or not they have sex before marriage (because we did and we are ok!). We want them to wait till they are older, and they are, but we wont be disappointed in them for their choices. This dd16 is easy going, compliant, sweet, incredibly fun, social and bubbly- but she has very healthy self esteem and we haven't needed to step in and protect her at all. She really takes good care of herself in every way- she has autonomy over her body and heart, not us. If she didn't, we would probably handle it differently. The rules have been: no going in a boy's car without prior express permission from Dad every single time. (Dad would give boy big lecture regularly). If at home, the bedroom door stays open. When going out in the daytime, home by dark. When going out in the evening (with permission), home by 10pm unless you have arranged with us otherwise. Ds15- same rules really but he has had a steady girlfriend for 6 months- he treats her well. Bedroom door stays open. But they have plenty of time to muck around if they want, both at our place and her place- we do not supervise them closely. To the best of our rather astute observations, they stay within certain limits. The car thing hasnt become an issue since he is the boy. It really is different having a girl but it is out girl whole is the more socially extrovert- she has many boys whe are friends- she is very popular and is often asked out. Honestly, I don't know if it just my kids but...I trust them to take care of themselves and to do the right thing most of the time. I am not naive- their dad and I were wild teenagers- but we don't put such restrictions on them that they really need to rebel. And we keep the communication channels open. We do have a thing about them not drinking underage (binge drinking is huge in local culture and many of their friends through Scouts etc do so) and that is where we implement the most control. It has all been a natural progression. We let go more and more as they grow older- the boundaries expand- I think they feel loved, protected, watched over, yet have a lot of freedom. But that is us with our kids and their particular natures and our values. Edited March 28, 2011 by Peela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) We haven't presumed problems where there are none, and have been none. this. i realize i was trying to head off problems that didn't even exist. your entire post was extremely helpful! thanks! :001_smile: Edited March 28, 2011 by freetobeme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret in GA Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Some great ideas listed here already. Just to add a few of my own. 1.) I don't get too close to the boys. I think when the parents get overly involved in the relationship, it can cause relationships to hang on far longer than the kids would prefer because they are 'like members of the family'. Just my .02 2.) Don't think that just because your dd/ds is hanging out in a public place that your child isn't either sneaking off or finding a place to be 'intimate' at said public place. Keep talking and please let your child know that they can come to you, if need be. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Honestly, I don't know if it just my kids but...I trust them to take care of themselves and to do the right thing most of the time. I am not naive- their dad and I were wild teenagers- but we don't put such restrictions on them that they really need to rebel. And we keep the communication channels open. <snip> It has all been a natural progression. We let go more and more as they grow older- the boundaries expand- I think they feel loved, protected, watched over, yet have a lot of freedom. But that is us with our kids and their particular natures and our values. This, exactly. Dd is in a semi-serious relationship and has almost complete freedom. So far she has made very good choices. Ds likes a girl and is thinking of asking her out for ice cream (her mother's suggestion.) It's all very casual and sweet, and I'm not going to ruin it for him with a bunch of overly-serious proclamations. He's a good kid, and he knows exactly how we feel about certain things because we've talked about them all along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 This doesn't necessarily apply only to dating, but whenever teens are out at night, I would turn a light on someplace in the kitchen or the back hallway area when I would go to bed. If I woke up and the light was still on, they were out and I could check the clock and then decide to get up and start worrying and call them on their cell phone. If it was off, they were home safe in bed. My system worked great for 3 teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 This doesn't necessarily apply only to dating, but whenever teens are out at night, I would turn a light on someplace in the kitchen or the back hallway area when I would go to bed. If I woke up and the light was still on, they were out and I could check the clock and then decide to get up and start worrying and call them on their cell phone. If it was off, they were home safe in bed. My system worked great for 3 teens. word of warning: i knew someone who did this. teen would come home, turn out said light, climb out the window, and take off again. . .hmmm. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 word of warning: i knew someone who did this. teen would come home, turn out said light, climb out the window, and take off again. . .hmmm. . . I probably will find out one day which one of my kids did that, but they also jknew that on occasion I was going to get up and check on them anyway.. ( Thank you peri menopause and sleepless nights!) Sometimes I checked for shoes at the back door when I got up as one of the bedrooms was in the basement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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