NPD & or BPD mother how to deal with

[Parrothead]

I've read this whole thing twice. Some questions:

 

1. Why does your mother have your phone number?

 

2. Do you have a good counselor?

 

 

There is a lot more going on here that can be answered in a message board. You really want to consider professional help.

 

Don't be surprised if this thread gets deleted. There is a lot of personal info here which goes against board rules.

[WTMCassandra]

(((Vineyard)))

 

I don't want to be another person in your life who bosses you, but you did ask. Here are my opinions:

 

1. You have significant, real problems. Very significant, very real. You are absolutely right to be upset. But your problems are so significant that a message board cannot fix them. How to set boundaries, how to walk away? There's no message anyone can write that can teach that, because the ability to do that comes with healing inside. Please RUN, do not walk, to counseling. And counseling with someone who understands tough issues. It needs to be as high a priority in your budget as eating.

 

2. I strongly, strongly recommend that you change your phone number. TODAY. And do not give the new number to your mother. Buy yourself some "space." You need space from her to possibly begin to heal. No Contact will do wonders to help you get clarity. You can decide about the future later. If you cannot change your number today because it is a weekend, take your phone off the hook and leave it there until you can call to change the number. Do not answer, do not listen to any messages left.

 

3. You do NOT have to contact this man just because he is dying, and/or just because your mother says so. She cut up her Mom card a long time ago. He cut up his "Dad" or "man in the home" card a long time ago. Who knows, he might use his dying breath to take one last pot shot at you. And if they ARE personality disordered, typically those kinds act out badly at a death, particularly toward someone who has already been a target. A sweet reconciliation scene is not likely AT ALL. What is likely is that you will be targeted--they are shameless and will not hesitate to "use" any situation, including this one, to push your buttons.

 

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. I'm sorry, but your pastor is clueless here. (And I say that as a conservative Christian.) Perhaps forgiveness might be something for you to work on later for your OWN well-being, but unless the other party is repentant, reconciliation is not possible. You need to talk to someone who understands these tough issues that you have, and honestly, in the midst of a situation like this, I wouldn't worry about forgiveness yet. You need a good counselor who will validate your pain, help you work through your pain, and come to a more settled emotional place before working on forgiveness. People who want you to jump to forgiveness and reconciliation without validating your pain and helping you through it, AND without knowing that the other person is repentant, are doing you more harm on top of what you already have.

 

I wish you well. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please be kind to yourself: Go no contact, at least for now, and seek help.

Edited February 26, 2011 by WTMCassandra

[RahRah]

Facing the Facts is a good support forum for those with BPD/NPD persons in their lives. In addition to the support forums, there are online workshops and materials available to help understand what you're dealing with, cope and establish boundaries for your own health and well-being.

 

Some books to consider reading:

 

Understanding the Borderline Mother, Christine Lawson

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Randi Kreger

Surviving a Borderline Parent, Kim Roth

The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, Michele Woodward

 

Narcissists Suck is a blog that's extremely blunt - if you read it, start at the beginning and work your way to the present.

 

Harpy's Child is written by an adult child of a narcissist and is one long page, but very informative.

 

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are therapists who have a sliding scale. You might want to call a Domestic Violence hotline and ask them if they have some suggestions for therapists you can call.

[2cents]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I agree with poster about the therapist. Someone you can talk to that will keep you strong when you have to deal with her. I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(

[Alicia64]

I moved thousands of miles away and have very little to do w/ my parents.

 

I wholeheartedly recommend it. It's helped me so much.

 

There's a saying: Hitler doesn't marry Snow White. Meaning they were attracted to each other. Two sides of the same coin.

 

I totally agree w/ find a wonderful, caring therapist. Think about developing strong boundaries. Finding a support group. Being really good to yourself.

 

Hang in there,

 

Alley

[Nakia]

Chucki is right. Posting on a message board won't help you. Of course, many will lift you up in prayers, and that is wonderful. But you really need counseling. And I firmly believe you need to cut off ALL contact with your mother. Change your number today. Any mother who allows someone to mentally and sexually abuse her children doesn't deserve a relationship with them.

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Vineyard,

 

You can edit a message by clicking on your original message and there will be a blue edit button on the lower right. You click that and you can rework your message.

 

Sometimes when a person has had to keep a lot of intense stuff hidden, there can be a learning curve about what and to whom to reveal information. This is way too much personal info for a message board. I would suggest that you delete the details from your post about your past. It just isn't wise to have it on the internet. Later, you may come to a different place in terms of what to share and what not to, and you don't want it floating out in cyberspace.

 

I would suggest that you talk to people in real life. If you don't want to talk with your pastor, find a rape crisis or domestic violence center in your community. A good book from a Christian perspective is The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. There is a workbook that goes with it as well to record feelings and thoughts in as you try to heal.

[Joanne]

There is a lot of potential for you to grow, heal and embrace a whole, healthy life. You'll need some help mapping that out.

 

To answer one of your concerns: if your mother truly intends to inflict self harm, you can't cause OR stop it. It is not your problem and you are not required by any stretch (spiritual or otherwise) to help her.

[Hedgehog]

Firstly, a big hug. :grouphug: What you've been through is huge. It should never be underestimated, either the actual events or the consequences.

 

I could say so much, but I'm going to limit myself to a few points.

 

a) You are under no obligation to have any contact with your mom or her partner, ever again. Let me say that again in a different way: if you cut contact with them from today, forever, there would be nothing wrong with that, and much good would probably come from it.

 

b) Your personal healing is very important. Please find someone IRL - or even someone you can talk to on the phone - who can help you work through these issues. A qualified counsellor would be best, but if you can't afford that, then someone you trust, who you can talk to without reservation. As another poster said, it really is as important as the food you eat.

 

c) I don't know if you have any feeling of guilt about what has happened. If so please try to forgive yourself. You were a child. You were vulnerable. People who commit these kinds of crimes looked down upon by criminals in prison. Only yesterday I was reading about a such a one who was killed in a prison in the north of England - by a murderer, no less. It seems that even hardened criminals have standards.

 

d) If this thread gets deleted, or if you decide to delete your OP, then please don't hesitate to ask for prayer in a new thread.

 

Blessings,

Hedgehog x

Edited February 26, 2011 by Hedgehog