Good touch, bad touch

[fairfarmhand]

This week I read Protecting the gift and I've realized that although my second dd is nine years old, I've never had this conversation with her. She gets embarrassed easily. How does one bring this awkward subject up?

 

Before anyone says anything, I must tell you that the embarrassment is not because of me and my dh. My oldest dd is not embarrassed about ANYTHING. We talk about lots of awkward things here. (we live on a farm, so biology is normal everyday stuff) It is just my second dd gets weirded out about stuff like that. She get embarrassed by my dh and I kissing....

 

So how do you bring that up?

[ChristusG]

Maybe you can give her something else to do while you are discussing it with her. Sometimes and easily embarrassed child feels uncomfortable when having a "serious" discussion with a parent and having to keep looking at them the whole time. Maybe she could draw or color a picture while you speak with her about the subject. Let her know that you expect her to answer your questions and communicate with you, but that she will also be allowed to draw, color, build with legos, design paper dolls, or whatever motor activity she chooses while you speak with her. That could take some of the pressure away.

[i.love.lucy]

I just read that book too. And I just had the conversation too. We have not yet had "the talk". My dd is too modest and shy and will not ask questions. I have had to just point blank bring it up, talk as long as she seems comfortable, then cut it off and hope she will talk to me when she has questions. I am attempting to keep an open and casual feel about these discussions.

 

I called them both into the living room and said "Guys, I've been reading this book, and it's been a great book for teaching me about some things. The book talks a lot about protecting your kids." And I went on to discuss how we wear helmets and seatbelts, etc for protection and how moms and dads are always saying NO! about things in order to protect them. And you understand all that, right? *nodding agreement* So then I launched into protecting from other people. About how the "bad guy" might not be a stranger, and likely wouldn't be, but someone that tries too hard to get close to them, get to know them. Or, surprise, maybe the "bad guy" is your friends older sibling, etc. We went on to talk about what "bad guy" means, in terms of touching, and I was very clear that that kind of touching is only appropriate for married people (insert your family value statement on this here) and I was clear to tell them that not only should they not allow it to happen TO them, they should not be asked to do it to someone else. We discussed what to do if they needed to tell about something and how mom and dad would never get mad at them and no matter how bad it is "we CAN handle it" you don't ever need to be afraid to tell us. That was a biggie from the book.

 

The conversation oddly derailed into discussions of how the police respond to 911 calls and how you could possibly strap the bad guy to the blades of the helicopter....:001_huh::lol: you get the idea. My ds had his toy police helicopter on the coffee table as the discussion took place.

 

So I dropped it. But I do feel like the lines of communication are open. We all now know that special touching of private parts occurs between men and women - hopefully married ones, and that's how babies are made. That that kind of touching is only for grown ups. That they don't need to be afraid of everyone they meet, and how to trust your instincts when something isn't right. That was another biggie from the book. I think too often overlooked. People need to learn how to trust their instincts!

 

I gave my dd10 a special journal and told her that at any time if she was very embarrassed to discuss something she could write about it in the journal and slip it under my pillow. I can then write back and slip it back to her. In that way she could avoid the embarrassment of a face to face discussion but she knew I was open to hearing whatever it is she has to say.

 

I think that Protecting the Gift is a life changing book.

[J-rap]

Would it help if your older daughter was in the room at the same time? This is what we did with our youngest, and I think having her older siblings in on it made it all more comfortable.

[LidiyaDawn]

Maybe you can find a book that covers what you'd like it to cover and give it to her to read on her own - that way she gets the information but doesn't have to be embarrassed in front of you. :)

[HayesW]

We have a very simply rule. No one may touch your private parts except Mom or Dad unless that person has permission from YOU and from Mom or Dad.

 

Our pediatrician was fine with asking me, then my child, if she could check her genitals. One of mine had UTI issues, so there were times when it was necessary.

[Joanne]

At her age, I'd add in information from Protecting the Gift about "icky feelings", "gut instincts" and make sure you tell her you will always back her up if she declines physical interaction (no "kiss grandma" type stuff).

[hooahwife]

I was clear to tell them that not only should they not allow it to happen TO them

 

ILoveLucy, I would humbly suggest that statement be rephrased. Sometimes a child is too young, too afraid, too startled, etc., to stop it from happening. I realize that this is a difficult subject to discuss but we must be careful not to word anything in such a way as to impute blame should this actually happen.