Teen Relationship Questions

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds has a friend who is over for the day. He's a good kid but does not share our Christian belief and some family values that are our personal choices for our family. The boys like to hang out right next to me and are very free in talking.

 

Question #1: Language - The young man uses a lot of language that is not hair curling but is not our family's standards either. I've let it go but it's starting to be every other sentence and I'm starting to wonder if I should say anything or not. The issue would be the example it sets for ds13 and for dd9. A lot of it is in the OMG category which does not offend me per se but does violate our own standard of not "taking God's name in vain".

 

Question #2: Boy/Girl Relationships - Ds and his friend are only 13. Our own personal choice in our family is that teens don't have boy/girl relationships. Ds's friend has a 14 year old sister. She is absolutely gorgeous. Ds, his friend and the sister all attend taekwando together. Ds' friend was teasing him today about noticing that he stares at his sister. He told ds in front of me that if ds wanted, he could have a new girl friend in a heartbeat. Ds changed the subject. Ds knows our feelings about relationships but I'm wondering if I should talk to him privately about it some more. I don't want to embarrass him though, and I don't want to put ideas in his head (though his friend already has) or to make a big deal where it might not be warranted.

[AK_Mom4]

Your mileage may vary, but I found it useful to remind my teens frequently about our family "no dating before 16yo" rule - especially when they got to be about your son's age and the whole puberty thing started kicking in. We discussed what that rule meant, why we had it, why it was going to be STRICTLY enforced - no dating, no hand holding, no kissing, no "going steady", no co-ed outings unless DH or I was chaparoning, etc, etc, etc. I don't think it gave them any new ideas and it kept us all on the same page.

 

I have no idea about the language thing except to protest when they use certain slang terms in your house. If my kid's friends used slang that I didn't like, I would just say so - and they would "clean up" the talk (at least until I left the room!)

[texasmama]

The language I would probably let go (not address in any way with the visitor) and ask my kids later if they noticed that he used that term a lot, opening it up for a discussion which might be a very meaningful one about how to handle these types of situations.

 

I would talk to my son about the girl just mom to son, remarking that she is a pretty and nice girl and although his friend might be teasing him a bit, you would understand why he might look twice at her, normalizing the experience of being a young boy and noticing girls. In my house, I would also probably make sure that dh was around when I was talking about this and have him chime in on how it was for him as a young boy. Whether dating at his age is allowed or not, he still is probably experiencing thoughts and feelings about girls. (My 15 yo dd is not allowed to date, either. As she says, no one has asked so it is not a problem. lol)

[Sophia]

Question #1: Language - The young man uses a lot of language that is not hair curling but is not our family's standards either. I've let it go but it's starting to be every other sentence and I'm starting to wonder if I should say anything or not.

 

I would.

It's been my experience that kids receive correction on this pretty matter-of-factly. They understand "house rules" pretty well.

 

Question #2: Boy/Girl Relationships

Ds knows our feelings about relationships but I'm wondering if I should talk to him privately about it some more. I don't want to embarrass him though, and I don't want to put ideas in his head (though his friend already has) or to make a big deal where it might not be warranted.

 

imo, NOW is the time to be reinforcing your family values and expectations.

13 is when other girls started paying attention to my oldest and he loved it.

He'd heard us talk about courting and no dating, but now that pretty girls were batting their lashes at him everything changed. Obviously, we couldn't make him want to reject dating, but we could (and did!) enforce certain rules, limits, boundaries, what have you...and now at 17 no dating is his decision, not just ours.

Your ds will be listening to what his friends tell him, so you need to make sure he is also hearing you and what you have to say.

 

 

:001_smile:

[Heather in Neverland]

We recently dealt with this as well. My son's newest friend was using language we didn't care for. But instead of correcting him I asked my ds to do it next time the friend came over. He is old enough now to stand up for what he believes so I think it is an important skill. The next time his friend came over and used bad language my ds said "Please don't use that kind of language around me." His friend looked startled but agreed. I was so proud of my ds!

[Sandy in Indy]

I think I'd have to say something to the boy privately. I'd try not to be heavy-handed about it, though. It is your home and it's reasonable to ask him to refrain from language that you don't allow in your home. If he smoked and you didn't allow that, I'm sure you'd tell him he couldn't smoke in your house. Same thing, IMHO.

 

And yes, I'd be talking to your kids about your relationship expectations. I found out the hard way that I also should have talked more about what qualities might be good things to look for in a mate.

[Peela]

We had a situation recently where some visiting kids overstepped boundaries we were comfortable with, in our home.

At first, I was mad, and dh was livid, mainly with ds for allowing it to happen, and dh's reaction was to send the kids home. But after talking with ds and feeling heard, we scaled right back to me (because dh was still too loaded over it) just gently saying what we expected in our home, and it was plenty and the kids apologised.

I generally am pretty lenient but will happily tell visiting kids what is expected in our home in a motherly, gentle but matter of fact way.

Edited February 6, 2011 by Peela

[In2why]

Ds has a friend who is over for the day. He's a good kid but does not share our Christian belief and some family values that are our personal choices for our family. The boys like to hang out right next to me and are very free in talking.

 

Question #1: Language - The young man uses a lot of language that is not hair curling but is not our family's standards either. I've let it go but it's starting to be every other sentence and I'm starting to wonder if I should say anything or not. The issue would be the example it sets for ds13 and for dd9. A lot of it is in the OMG category which does not offend me per se but does violate our own standard of not "taking God's name in vain".

 

Question #2: Boy/Girl Relationships - Ds and his friend are only 13. Our own personal choice in our family is that teens don't have boy/girl relationships. Ds's friend has a 14 year old sister. She is absolutely gorgeous. Ds, his friend and the sister all attend taekwando together. Ds' friend was teasing him today about noticing that he stares at his sister. He told ds in front of me that if ds wanted, he could have a new girl friend in a heartbeat. Ds changed the subject. Ds knows our feelings about relationships but I'm wondering if I should talk to him privately about it some more. I don't want to embarrass him though, and I don't want to put ideas in his head (though his friend already has) or to make a big deal where it might not be warranted.

 

 

Your house, your rules. A huge one for me is using slurs for gay people that are sadly common for young teens to use. I won't have it in my house and never hesitate to say so. In most instances I don't think the boys had ever questioned whether it was right or wrong, and I hope that it made them think about whether is was something they wanted to continue saying. I think saying OMG is the same thing. My youngest picked it up from other kids and liked the 'drama' of it without thinking how it might be offensive to others (we aren't religious) and I would like if someone told him that it wasn't appropriate, to reinforce the idea that you must think about your actions and what the words you use and the things you do say about you.

 

 

As for the sister, I would talk to your son in a relaxed way. I don't think you can put ideas in your 13 year old's mind that hormones haven't already put there. I would explain that it is normal to want to look at beauty whether it is people or things, and that appreciating beauty is natural, but women are more than how they look on the outside and that is one of the key reasons that relationships are not for teenagers.....because they do not have the emotional maturity to look beyond the outside appearance yet.