Beware

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:I can understand the reluctance. You have been hit smack in the face with a situation you never thought would happen to you. Now, you are working through the what if this... what if that... I would have a hard time trusting again too. Not only dealing with that but horrified at all those you know whose lives have been turned upside down in a completly different way than yours has been.

Edited February 15, 2011 by QuirkyKapers

[mom2denj]

Oh, this is so sad! I am so sorry that you have to wonder about your son. It is a nightmare! I will be praying for your family!:grouphug:

[rlugbill]

Really sorry to hear about your son and the betrayal by someone he trusted.

 

Even if nothing sexual happened between them, there was a huge betrayal there. Your son might find it difficult to trust people in the future. This could affect him for the rest of his life.

 

I really hope that at some point, he will get some counseling to deal with this. Although it sounds like there was nothing sexual between them, his view of the world has been shattered and he might not dare to get close to people in the future. He may also harbor a lot of anger about this situation that may come out in destructive ways.

 

As far as the topic of sexual abuse in the church generally, my church instituted a safety policy for anyone working with children. We had to have criminal background checks, have windows on the doors so people can see in at all times, and not work with children one-on-one, among other things. And, you have to be a member of the church for at least 6 months before you are allowed to work with children. Hopefully some of these policies will help deter any potential predators from trying to work with children in our church.

 

And we never had any such problems in our church. But it happens at churches a lot for some reason.

 

But at the same time, I think it's important not to be overly paranoid. So, while I agree with taking precautions, I don't think the idea of suspecting any male who works with children is a child molestor is not an appropriate way to treat men in the church or a good lesson for children to learn. Men are not all evil and women are not all saints either, for that matter.

 

Men shouldn't feel uncomfortable being in the church or being around children, yet many women look at men with suspicious eyes. And children benefit from their interactions with both genders. Children need to learn that church isn't just for women and children.

 

Anyway, I am very sorry this happened. I wish you and your family healing.

 

Blesssings

[RanchGirl]

I read this when it was first posted, but didn't think much of it until last night, simply because we've always been pretty careful in this area. But last night, we were laughing as a family and telling our boys about things they did when they were little. "Remember when 10yods used to wail whenever our pastor got near him? He'd fall on the floor like a fainting goat every time the man walked in." We were laughing. It was a funny memory. "Remember how he used to say "Steet steet" for "sweet dreams" and go to sleep so well on his own?" "Yeah, until our pastor babysat him that one time during music practice and then he stopped sleeping." .....we laughed about what a difficult toddler he turned into overnight and then suddenly outgrew at 3 years old.

 

And then the kids went to bed and I felt sick. I left my 18 month old alone with someone for two hours and then the child had a complete personality change that lasted for 18 months and I never thought anything of it??? I'm not saying there actually was anything more than a child hitting those toddler tantrums - quite likely nothing happened that night, but suddenly I realized how naive I was and how parents really can miss signs that something has happened to their child.

 

To the OP, I'm so glad everything turned out to be okay with your son. I'll be praying for those other families involved. This is heavy on my heart now.

 

oh my word. Where is that pastor now? I think you need to do some investigating. Ugh. How horrifying.

[KatieH]

I'm so sorry.

[Carol in Cal.]

OP: I didn't mean you! I think that you should be overly careful to reassure your boys that you will always and completely protect them while they are living with you. Their trust has been tested, and now it's time to close the loop and make sure that they feel as well as ARE safe.

 

But some of the other comments are kind of strong, and I just think that there needs to be a balance.

 

I will say, though, that sometimes extraordinary care means extraordinary confidence. Two houses down from us is a really sweet couple. After I had my DD, the woman told me, "I am available for babysitting." and I took this as the loving offer of support that it was. As it turned out, we never did have occasion to ask her to babysit. This was a good thing, because...for some reason, DD took a terrible dislike to her DH. She would burst into tears every time she saw him, as if she was absolutely terrified of him. I KNOW for sure that she was never alone with him, even for one minute, and so I KNOW that this was a fear that she developed without any scarey experiences at all, but I'm really glad that I never had them sit for her because given her reaction, she would never have been comfortable there, and also I would have thought that something had happened.

[HistoryMom]

Oh, my heart..I'm so sorry, and so glad it wasn't worse for your son.

 

I was avictim of a female teenaged babysitter as a very young child, and to this day I have a hard time leaving my kids with anyone other than immediate family. I only use babysitters who are also employed by our previous daycare: we know them, they all know us, and I know they do background checks.

 

My dh is one of the honest men, and he is the most understanding and especially careful about things like this. I think you often find that the honest ones actually avoid these situations, and that's a way you can tell.

 

DH and I talk about this a lot. Someone we know well (or thought we knew well, perhaps) was arrested last year for molesting several tween girls. He found them through the nonprofit musical group we all participate in. My DH has always, but even more so now, refused to be alone with anyone underaged, female or male, and the groups' new policy is that any underaged participants must have a parent present at all times.

[FO4UR]

:grouphug: I'm glad your ds was not able to go fishing!

 

There was a teacher caught molesting boys in my high school. It was traumatic for everyone who knew the teacher, on many levels. Many people were outraged at the KIDS for speaking up and causing this "Well-Loved Teacher" to leave the school.:glare: I kid you not! Be prepared for that kind of reaction.

 

Also, :iagree: honest men purposely PREVENT these types of situations and/or accusations. The *only* time my dh would ever meet alone with any person (man, woman, child) is in an office with a big glass window...and a secretary around to be a witness that she could see in the said big glass window. He has called me to just sit in the church with the kids so he could meet with someone without being completely alone with them.

 

As a youth minister, 1-1 fishing trips were NEVER EVER even a thought. I spent countless hours riding shotgun so dh was never ever alone with a child for even 1 minute.