simka2 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 and I have always hated my birthday. This was the part of being the only child of a single parent that stunk. My mom wasn't a "party" or "gift" type person, and with it being so close to the holidays...I felt forgotten. So, I need the Hive's advice...I don't want this birthday to be like the others. I don't want to dread it, or feel like I am being selfish for wanting it celebrated in it's own right. So, how do I do that? I realize I'm going to have to do a lot of the work...but I would love some ideas... also, we have no family and or friends here yet...so it would just be the immediate family unit (which I am okay with)! Question 1: how do I not feel guilty about wanting this? Question 2: How do I even go about doing something for my birthday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 Question 1: how do I not feel guilty about wanting this? Question 2: How do I even go about doing something for my birthday? Q1 Let me know when you figure it out. Today is my birthday and for the past few years it has been mostly me hiding out crying and alternating between trying to not have a pity party and feeling selfish for having one. I have shared with my family over and over that I don't want to plan my own birthday. Then every year unless I plan something nothing happens. This year I told DH three times this week alone that I would like to take the family to see Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Today he finally asked me a few minutes ago what I want to do today. I just came and sat down at the computer. Q2 In my experience you just decide what you want to do and then do the mom thing and plan it out. If you don't it won't happen. :grouphug: I hope this year brings you a great birthday!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 and I have always hated my birthday. This was the part of being the only child of a single parent that stunk. My mom wasn't a "party" or "gift" type person, and with it being so close to the holidays...I felt forgotten. So, I need the Hive's advice...I don't want this birthday to be like the others. I don't want to dread it, or feel like I am being selfish for wanting it celebrated in it's own right. So, how do I do that? I realize I'm going to have to do a lot of the work...but I would love some ideas... also, we have no family and or friends here yet...so it would just be the immediate family unit (which I am okay with)! Question 1: how do I not feel guilty about wanting this? Question 2: How do I even go about doing something for my birthday? Well, a few years ago I was very ill and wondered (seriously) if I were going to live..... Since then I've always ordered a cake from the bakery, and added all the trimmings. (chips, dip, peanuts, etc) So, yes, I take it upon myself to celebrate and give thanks for another year!! :D We usually go out to eat as a family and I have a margarita then as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 Let go of the idea that birthday means party with cake and ice cream. Do what you love on your birthday, whether that means going to a spa or shopping or a movie or whatever. It's YOUR day; do what makes you happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 why would you feel guilty? You make it a celebration on your kids and husband's birthday, don't you? Why wouldn't you deserve the same? If you don't want your dh and kids to start to make your day special, do it for yourself. Decide what you want to do that day, then do it, with kids and dh, with kids alone while dh is at work, or what ever way you decide. We'd have a blast and when they got older, they started to take over the celebration themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 I don't know. Thursday is my birthday. It will probably pass... unnoticed. Maybe I'll get "lucky" and my dad will watch the children for a few hours so DH and I can go to the movies... assuming there is something we want to watch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted December 27, 2010 Author Share Posted December 27, 2010 Q1 Let me know when you figure it out. Today is my birthday and for the past few years it has been mostly me hiding out crying and alternating between trying to not have a pity party and feeling selfish for having one. I have shared with my family over and over that I don't want to plan my own birthday. Then every year unless I plan something nothing happens. This year I told DH three times this week alone that I would like to take the family to see Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Today he finally asked me a few minutes ago what I want to do today. I just came and sat down at the computer. Q2 In my experience you just decide what you want to do and then do the mom thing and plan it out. If you don't it won't happen. :grouphug: I hope this year brings you a great birthday!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I feel your pain. Part of what is hard...is I want to be "special" that day...and it just is hard. I'm sorry, maybe this thread will help us both ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted December 27, 2010 Author Share Posted December 27, 2010 Well, a few years ago I was very ill and wondered (seriously) if I were going to live..... Since then I've always ordered a cake from the bakery, and added all the trimmings. (chips, dip, peanuts, etc) So, yes, I take it upon myself to celebrate and give thanks for another year!! :D We usually go out to eat as a family and I have a margarita then as well. I think this where I'm finally at. After my close call on Christmas, I realized I didn't want to wait on others to make it special for me!!! I just want to celebrate...so I think I have some planning to do :D. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted December 27, 2010 Author Share Posted December 27, 2010 why would you feel guilty? You make it a celebration on your kids and husband's birthday, don't you? Why wouldn't you deserve the same? If you don't want your dh and kids to start to make your day special, do it for yourself. Decide what you want to do that day, then do it, with kids and dh, with kids alone while dh is at work, or what ever way you decide. We'd have a blast and when they got older, they started to take over the celebration themselves. Thanks!!! I needed a kick in the pants:D!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 What worked for me - putting it in the hands of my dd9. Of course much of this is her personality. She is the events planner of our family. I tell her what I want - dinner out and a bakery cake at home with some gifts. I give her gift suggestions too. And she strong-arms dh (who is wrapped around her little finger:001_wub:) into doing it all! I know that everyone loves me - they just need an events planner to get them to do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2absh Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 I will be blunt - if you want to do something fun for your birthday, then do it! :D It would be WONDERFUL if the special people in your life would step up and do it, but if they won't, you have a choice: be happy with whatever they do, or just do it yourself. You don't need to feel guilty about it, unless you do something foolish like spend too much money or endanger yourself. When we wish people would do things for us, and then are upset when they don't do those things, we are giving other people a lot of control over ourselves. We are LETTING other people dictate how WE will feel, and we DON'T have to do that. Many of us have not come from emotionally healthy upbringings, and now that we are married, we have brought the emotional responses we learned growing up into our marriages, even when our marriages have circumstances that "allow" different responses. Arranging our own birthdays might not have been possible when we were younger, but chances are it is now (unless there are other issues going on in the marriage). If you say in a pleasant voice, "Tomorrow is my birthday, and to celebrate I'm sleeping in, not making breakfast, and taking a long bubble bath," will there really be negative consequences? Or if you choose to have your favorite foods for dinner? It is painful to recognize and accept that our special people can't/won't make an effort for us to have a special day, but that does not mean the day can't be special. We CAN nurture ourselves - we don't always have to look to others for it. :grouphug: to all who are hurting over this - I DO know how you feel - and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!:party: J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 It sounds like a fun way to get to know a few people better. Get a cake, serve up the rest of the Christmas cookies and laugh and have fun. Give the kids a little money to pick out presents for you that should cheer you up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria from IN Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 I think this where I'm finally at. After my close call on Christmas, I realized I didn't want to wait on others to make it special for me!!! I just want to celebrate...so I think I have some planning to do :D. Perhaps your family is under the impression that you don't want to make a big deal about your birthday..."holiday hangover" and all that. Maybe gather the family and tell them how your recent close call has helped you in your decision to celebrate more? I like Starr's idea...Invite everyone for a casual get-together, and ask them to bring over their leftover Christmas goodies (great way to get rid of them is to foist them on friends or have partygoers chow down). Then, rock out! No sappy Christmas carols allowed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 oh, i love my birthday. my 40th is coming up quite soon & i'm so excited actually. it is a gift from god & an awesome day of reflection and celebration. celebrate it! whatever that looks like for you, have fun and please don't feel guilty. enjoy it. have fun. make memories!! hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 Hey, Simka. I feel your pain! Mine is the 2nd. If you did get gifts growing up, were they wrapped in Christmas paper? That was always my pet peeve. I wanted my birthday to feel like a day in its own right. My mother would sometimes even insist I open my b-day present on Christmas Day by saying it was part b-day, part Christmas. She isn't the cake and party sort (but is the yelling, suicide threatening, miserable sort - particularly on special days) so you can guess how my actual b-days went. Thankfully, dh tries to make my day special (and ILs did, too, when they lived here) and usually does a good job, though the past few years have had to be really creative due to lack of funds. At least he knows it's really important to me to try to have a special day because so many of them in the past were rotten. One day, the good birthdays will outnumber the bad! : ) Have you told your family how you feel? If dh and the kids know how things were before, maybe they'll understand why a happy day now would mean so much to you and feel motivated to help you out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Someone, please don't let me be a thread killer on Simka's plea for help!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Since it is only your immediate family in the area, I would start the conversation something like this.. DH, I know in the past I haven't made a big deal out of my birthday; however, starting now I would like a new tradition for our family.... fill in with whatever makes a birthday meaningful to you. Finish with, please make that happen for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 Thanks everyone!!! I've been thinking of what I want to do and I think it will be a good day. I really just need to turn my thinking around on this. Yes, Kimmie...that was a lot like my birthday. Except it was usually my aunt threatening suicide...and my mom calling the police. Dh has always tried in the past, but birthdays were never a big deal in his family. They weren't the neg. they were in mine...they just weren't a big deal. So, I think Iwill do things the way I want and then everyone will know!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I plan my own birthday every year and I have no guilt about it whatsoever! Not sure why you would be feeling guilty??? I always ask my kids and my dh what they would like to do for their birthday. Do you do something similar or is it usually a surprise? If you usually ask them, it just makes sense to me that for your birthday you ask yourself the same question (or at least think about it). One year I read about a neat hike in the newspaper...guess what we did for my birthday? Another year, I was waxing nostagic and wanted to go visit the town we lived in when I was in 2nd grade. We had to take a ferry to get there so it made a nice day of it. A different year it was a bike ride along a route we'd never been to before. To finish the day we go out for dinner to a restaurant of my choice. So I would ask you, what are some things that you've been wanting to do but never find the time to do them? Have you read/heard about something in the area that sounded interesting or fun? Is there a favorite place you like to go but haven't been to in a long time? Answers to these types of questions are usually what I choose to do for my birthday. Hope this gives you some ideas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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