Younger Accelerated Learner with Older Sibling

[zenjenn]

New member here and I posted about this in my intro post.

 

I have two bright, beautiful girls that I am homeschooling, age 5 and 8. I really don't think I am just being a boastful mom when I say they are both bright and beautiful with many gifts, and I can honestly say I would never say one is "smarter" than the other.

 

But the skinny on it is, it is very clear that my 5 yr old is able to master traditional academics far, far faster than her 8-yr-old sister. I will honestly say I have never made a big effort to teach either of my kids to be an academic superstar. I never pushed early reading, etc, and my 5 yr old is being homeschooled in K, but my Kindergarten philosophy of very old-school. I even think public schools have in wrong with full day K these days. I believe K is a time to build study skills and some very foundational literacy and understanding, but that it is still largely a time for exploration and early child development.

 

Well my 5 yr old is reading almost as well (and in some ways, arguably better), than her big sister. She understands how to solve arithmetic problems naturally and with a speed my 8 yr old doesn't, even though I never taught her. Many times I have asked my older child a question, not even thinking my younger one is listening, only to have the 5 yr old shock me by chiming in with the answer I don't even think she should know. The crushed and frustrated look on my 8-year-old's face is heartbreaking.

 

How do I deal with this? I do not want to hold my 5 yr old back, and I don't want my 8 yr old's confidence getting crushed. My 8-yr-old is also working to overcome various challenges (minor speech articulation delays, mild dyslexia, etc), and she needs to feel confident when she can. And I am NOT someone who buys into this big self-esteem movement for kids. I believe self-esteem should be earned, but a child needs enough confidence to plow forward and keep up their best effort.

 

I have tried to emphasize to my 8-yr-old her many, many gifts. She seems to have a natural gift for music, and her reading comprehension is amazing (even if she struggles with the phonics, decoding, and articulation, she can read or hear a story and understand characters, story arc, etc, incredibly well.) But the areas where I see she can shine, they are hard to quantify, measure, and say "Look at how great you are! We can measure it!"

 

The 8 yr old also has a very high emotional intelligence which makes it work. She is not clueless. She gets it, and I can tell sometimes it makes her feel really crummy.

 

I can only see this issue becoming more obvious to my 8-yr-old (and my 5-yr-old who, is spunky and starting to take obnoxious pride in doing things faster or better than big sister.) What to do? Any tips advice?

Edited December 16, 2010 by zenjenn

[LittleIzumi]

:lurk5: 3yo is rapidly catching up to 5yo here.

[Tracy]

I don't have this problem at this point, but I have seen suggestions on this topic to make sure that the two children are using completely different curricula, especially ones where the "level" or "grade" is not obvious.

[LisaKinVA]

I used to think my oldest ds was pretty good in math, until younger ds came along. Math, while not overly difficult for oldest, is definitely NOT the complete intuitive got it, retained it, LOVE it that it is for my 7yo.

 

Case in point... DH put a 6th grade level word problem (multi-step) to my oldest DS (verbally). Before my oldest son could open his mouth (he was still processing the information), my then 6yo son yelled out the answer from the bathroom:glare: Oldest DS was, frankly, a bit crushed/embarrassed.

 

I am not one to pile on false praise, but I do have to focus more on praising each child for the things they do well, and with effort. We also work at not making comparisons, and emphasizing each child's unique talent, gift or ability. Sometimes this has to be repeated more with my high eq oldest ds, as my younger ds is more oblivious to things like that -- but when he understands that he really hurt someone's feelings, he is truly remorseful.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, and with your 5yo dd who is very quick, you may have to keep repeating things along the lines of, "yes, you are a completely different person than your sister, some things may come faster to you -- but that doesn't make you a better person. Helping her see skills she needs to develop (empathy, consideration, humility), and that she's "not perfect." Maybe you openly praise your older daughter for her hard work, because "hard work, and a good work ethic trumps just being smart any day." And, keep reinforcing/praising your older dd's sense of compassion, justice, empathy, etc. Because those are quality traits that will enable her to do things other people just can't.

 

There are no easy answers... and it's a constant navigation issue. However, if you keep reinforcing the ideas of unique strengths/weaknesses, and no one "skill set" is necessarilly better than the other on it's own, your 5yo dd will come around, and you will continue to develop the sense of confidence and self-worth your older daughter needs as well.

[JenneinCA]

It is hard. The best you can do is make sure they are using different books and remember to tell them that you love them for who they are.

 

My ds6 has caught my ds10 in spelling and reading and may soon catch him in math. The little kid is GOOD. I haven't found a good solution and ds10 is very unhappy with the situation.

 

If you find a solution please share it.

[zaichiki]

Just point out each child's strengths. This is what we do. The kids already know about their siblings strengths. We can't pretend they don't exist.

 

We should be honest about it: make sure they know that EVERYONE has different strengths. In 10-20 years they'll both be adults and the age differences will no longer be what keeps one child "ahead of" another in any particular area. For some kids that leveling of the playing field comes much earlier. It's tough because they're not emotionally mature enough to accept it.

 

We talk a lot about how much time one puts into their areas of strength, but we also talk about how sometimes it seems like things come more easily for one person in a certain area. We applaud the strengths of each child and encourage the siblings to do the same. We're made differently and all that... yada yada yada.

[zenjenn]

Thanks for the thoughts. That bathroom/word problem story is classic. That is EXACTLY the kind of situation that comes up around here - and it has nothing to do with what kind of books we are using.

 

They are right now doing separate things. Well, they are both using Math Mammoth. The 5 yr old is only doing 1 year behind the 8 yr old even though they are 2 grades apart (thank goodness they are only 2 grades apart. My 8 yr old has a September birthday and in some areas would be considered a 3rd grader, but I had the good sense to wait with her.) But as I said, these social dynamics do not get past my 8 yr old. She knows little sister is catching up to her in math. So far I've chalked it up to the fact that we started homeschooling little sister in K - and that is partially true.. math is sorely neglected in K-1 in our district.

 

One thing about my oldest - she is SO MUCH like her father it is unreal. My husband is a physicist/engineer. He graduated cum laude in physics from a respected university, has had a successful engineering career, and is now pursuing advanced degrees. But as a kid he was dyslexic and confused and he even had some crappy teachers that kept dismissing his abilities. MIL thankfully was on it and researched learning disabilities at a time when not as many educators were "on it" (esp. in Catholic schools.) He thought he was horrible in math until he got to algebra and could start looking at math symbolically. Both DH and I know that performance now (from EITHER kid) is NO indication of their future success. DD#1 has to learn to stay focused and keep trying, and DD#2 has to learn that she's not the cat's meow and that no matter how clever you are hard work WILL ultimately necessary for success, kwim? You can struggle and end up being a star, and you can be a fantastically gifted person who is ultimately a failure. Two different challenges we have with two very different girls.

Edited December 17, 2010 by zenjenn

[LittleIzumi]

What if you can't afford to get two separate curricula for each kid? :blush5: I'm going a bit broader with dd3 to make sure she doesn't completely catch up to dd5 in ETC but it won't last long. They have such similar learning styles that they benefit from the same programs--MEP, AAS, ETC, etc.

[MyLittleWonders]

Ds#2 (2nd grade and a very young one at that - he's a late Nov. kid but our cut-off is Dec. 2) is just about where he can keep up with ds#1 (4th grade). He does the same "calling out the answer" for ds#1's work, which tends to infuriate ds#1. We use the same curriculum for them both (it all works for them both) and some subjects are combined (history, science, art, Latin, and MCT). For now it's going well as I think ds#1 likes that he's not alone with his school work. Plus I'm not sure if ds#1 has realized yet that some of what ds#2 is doing is designed for older kids. But, when ds#2 starts rattling off answers for math problems or parses a sentence before ds#1 can get to it, or worse yet, tells ds#1 an answer to ds#1's work after ds#1 asked me how to do it, it gets on his nerve (sorry about that sentence ... I couldn't figure a better way of doing it without all the ds#1s in it). Anyway, all this to say, we are in a similar boat and dh and I are not quite sure how we are going to handle it as it becomes more apparent (and ds#1 starts to see that his brother is working at his level instead of two grade levels below his level).

[Bird Girl]

I use Miquon math with my mathematically gifted five year old. It's a little different than most other math programs, and he'll switch to Singapore next year, but it might help you get your younger one onto a different curriculum for a while.

[HeidiD]

One thing about my oldest - she is SO MUCH like her father it is unreal. My husband is a physicist/engineer. He graduated cum laude in physics from a respected university, has had a successful engineering career, and is now pursuing advanced degrees. But as a kid he was dyslexic and confused and he even had some crappy teachers that kept dismissing his abilities. MIL thankfully was on it and researched learning disabilities at a time when not as many educators were "on it" (esp. in Catholic schools.) He thought he was horrible in math until he got to algebra and could start looking at math symbolically. Both DH and I know that performance now (from EITHER kid) is NO indication of their future success. DD#1 has to learn to stay focused and keep trying, and DD#2 has to learn that she's not the cat's meow and that no matter how clever you are hard work WILL ultimately necessary for success, kwim? You can struggle and end up being a star, and you can be a fantastically gifted person who is ultimately a failure. Two different challenges we have with two very different girls.

 

We have the same thing going on at our house, so I can really commiserate with you.

 

One of my kids is severely dyslexic, with CAPD, and all the accompanying challenges. While I was working intensively with him and letting his younger siblings spend most of their time playing, his brother, who is next in line and several years younger, taught himself to read and write, and when I actually started trying to formally teach him math this year, painlessly jumped into NEM, having somehow absorbed tables and formulas and concepts by osmosis without anyone noticing.

 

The contrast between the two of them is really jarring, and my older child is aware of the differences between them.

 

My older child, because he has had to work very hard, has developed persistence, so we praise him constantly for digging in and not giving up, and we also encourage and support his non-academic interests. And he also knows that his brother is not typical either, and so there is no point in comparing himself with him. So he is pretty grounded and they get along fairly well and are, for the most part, accepting of one another's foibles.

 

One of our other kids (15 yo) thought he was terrible in math, but like your husband, once he got past the basics, the reverse became true. I actually think he's the smartest person in our house, but it turns out he also has dyslexia (and was recently dx'd with CAPD also) so his abilities were masked by his challenges. By the time he was tested, though, he had compensated immensely on his own because of his drive and persistence.

 

It seems like a lot of people with these types of disabilities are extremely creative and bright, and they just need to find their most productive learning niche. And it also seems like bright people without disabilities of any sort can fall into the trap of relying on innate intelligence and fall into a habit of avoiding struggle. Opposite challenges to deal with, and particularly hard when the siblings are close in age. I used to think it was so difficult, so stressful to deal with the dyslexia stuff, but lately I've come to the conclusion that among my kids, the ones who are extremely bright but have no disabilities are actually, in a lot of ways, trickier to raise and educate than my dyslexic kids. You might have the same experience as you go along.

 

In any event, you can't go wrong by praising good character traits, encouraging hard work and persistence, and reminding the gifted child that intelligence is an attribute rather than something earned, and one that won't be worth much in the absence of other virtues. Also, de-emphasize academics as a focus outside of formal school time, accentuate other areas of life as much as possible, and keep them working separately (as Cadam said, in another room if you can). Good luck! :)

[angela in ohio]

My 12 yo is academically equal to (and surpasses in many areas) my 14 yo. It has been this way since they were little. Older dd is gifted with 'people skills' and public speaking, though, while younger has struggled in those areas.

 

I have not used different curriculum for them, and I have not slowed down younger dd. Instead, I have focused on the underlying character issues: humility for younger, acceptance for older. We talk about the fact that each person has different gifts constantly. They are doing much of the same curriculum together, and they are very close and happy together.

 

I think you should continue working through it with them. Continue to praise older for what she is gifted at, work with younger to eliminate her 'obnoxious pride.' You are doing the right thing; it just takes time. You older should learn to be happy for and proud of younger, and your younger should learn to be sensitive of and helpful to your older.

 

You can look on the high school board right now and see conversations based on women who get upset about others' dc doing more/less than their dc are. You would be doing your dc a favor to teach them now, at a young age, that what other people do doesn't affect their own worth. It is a life lesson that is more valuable than many academic lessons you could teach. :001_smile:

[ocelotmom]

Same boat here. My 4 year old DD is taking to reading and writing like a duck to water. My 7.5 year old DS isn't. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends up getting ahead of him within the next year, though hopefully DS will be reading fluently fast enough that the actual complexity of the reading won't be an issue.

 

I suspect we'll have similar issues in math for at least a few years. I expect DD will have no problem with memorizing the math facts that are such a focus in grades 1 and 2, while DS grasps the concepts very fast (and is functioning above grade level in that respect), but has trouble with speed and accuracy because he hasn't internalized the basic facts, just as he has trouble gaining sight words.

 

I don't doubt that DS is very smart, but DD is smart in a way that's more visible in standard schooling terms, and I hope that won't get discouraging for DS.

 

(I have to say, it's vindicating to have DD picking up reading so quickly, because DS's troubles are obviously not solely due to me being a horrible teacher!)

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

Did your 8 year old get sight words in school before homeschooling?

 

If so, I would try working with some nonsense words with her and the program on my how to tutor page. Once you have done a bit of that, you can also start working through Webster's Speller--it teaches phonics to a 12th grade level.

 

With my remedial students, the younger siblings usually pass up the older ones, sight words are really damaging and take a while to overcome, the less time you have spent working with them, the faster and easier you can learn to read with phonics. I tell them this up front, and they still have a hard time with it at first, but they eventually get used to it. They accept it more when they can understand the reasons for it and realize that it is hard work to unlearn habits and learn new habits.