Irritated by Dr. Laura's E-mail of the Day

[Jenny in GA]

This is kind of funny; this is the second thread I've started because of a Dr. Laura call.

 

For some reason I can't get this out of my mind, and was curious what other people thought. Maybe it just hit a nerve; who knows, maybe I'm just totally self-centered!

 

I always thought I was in agreement with DL's views on day-care, at-home parents, etc, but also today's "E-Mail of the Day," I'm not so sure.

 

It was written by a mother who had two kids. She stayed home FT until they reached the ages of 10 and 16; then she started working some as a substitute teacher (which she really enjoyed). Both her kids are in school.

 

In the e-mail, the mother says she finally realized how awful it was that she did this; she was wrongly asking her husband and children to take one some of "her responsibilities," the home was chaotic and stressful, etc.

 

Finally, she decided to completely quit working, and they're all much happier now.

 

So here's what I keep thinking:

 

1) First of all, I used to work as a substitute teacher, and a more flexible, family-friendly job is hard to find. You can easily take a day off, or a week off, or choose to work 5 days one week, and two days the next. You can easily work 5-10 minutes from your home. And I was always home before 4:00 pm! Was it really so impossible to sub a day or two per week without the whole family being miserable and feeling put-upon??

 

2) Maybe I misunderstood -- and maybe I'm just selfish -- but I don't see anything bad about asking a 16 year old and a 10 year old to participate in some of the household responsibilities. Isn't that a good thing?

 

3) What is she doing now that she isn't working at all and her kids are in school?? Just hanging around cleaning up after them for hours every day? Ugh!

 

4) One final comment was that "now she is there for them in case they need me" (or something like that). So ... what, she can't do anything and can't go anywhere, but just has to hang around (and clean up, I guess) and be on call "in case people need her"?

 

 

I guess that's the bottom line of why it bugged me: It sounded like she (and, of course, DL) were strongly saying that, if you're a mother, you have a duty to do all the household responsibilities yourself, and it would be wrong and selfish to do anything else you enjoy (including working a few hours a week ten minutes from your home, while your kids are at school) because you need to be on call every minute in case anybody "needs" you.

 

And that irritates me. And yes, I do work at a free-lance job I enjoy. And sometimes it is stressful and chaotic. But then again, don't things that are worth doing usually require some effort?

 

Any thoughts? Am I reading too much into it?

[elfgivas]

just hit that "unsubscribe" button....

[CLHCO]

I can see how having a full time home manager can indeed alleviate stress. Perhaps she quit so she can devote her full time to planning her boot-camp and ensure her children get off their duffs and start doing something around the house. :tongue_smilie:

 

Honestly, I would prefer someone at home simply to manage things, and I remember my mother being there if I needed her during the day, such as the time I almost broke my nose, or we had a tornado emergency. It wasn't a big deal at 16, but it still was at 10. Additionally, I save a lot more money by having time to cook and plan things instead of heading to the quick-fix meals for tired people who have all been out all day. There are advantages that will reduce stress, however, that's not how she worded it, so I understand your annoyance. It sounded like her kids couldn't handle helping out.

 

Additionally, if my kids were in school, I would want that free time of the day to devote myself to other things, however, like a home business or other things to help the family. June Cleever is not one I think should be our role model though, just because I do see the value in a person at home.

[anneofalamo]

well, hmmm....

it says they are ALL much happier

if ALL are happier, isn't that a good thing?

I guess I am missing a point?

 

who cares what she does during those hours the kids are in school, if ALL are happier? I am thinking that ALL includes her also?

[Mrs Mungo]

I guess you have to ask yourself if you believe the email is descriptive or prescriptive. Is the email saying "this woman realized what was wrong in HER life, realized what SHE wanted to do, did it and is now much happier, find what works for you" or is it saying, "see, women, you can't have the whole pie, you can't even have part of the pie, you decided to have a family, that's your job now, get over it."

[Tenaj]

I'm guessing that maybe you were reading too much into it :)

 

From my perspective, I can see why working as a substitute teacher (or anywhere else for that matter) could be the cause of family disharmony, chaos, whatever you want to call it. There are some people that cannot handle the "busy-ness" caused by a schedule that requires the mom to be out of the home for certain hours or certain days. Other women and their families can handle it just fine and thrive on the schedule they have.

For years, I ran an income tax preparation business out of my home. I had about 100 clients when I quit 9 years ago. For some, it would have seemed to be a dream job. I could set my own hours, it only involved about four or five months of the year and I could work for home. But for our family, it caused complete chaos. During those months meals and school became haphazard, but more than that, I was completely distracted from my husband, kids, and home and I couldn't handle it properly. So, from what you said (not having read the actual email), I can see this woman's perspective.

 

 

Regarding your specific points:

(1) Maybe being out of the house for one or two days a week was too much and is too much for some families/women.

 

(2) The reference to giving the children her responsibilites doesn't mean that her children did not have household chores and responsibilities to fulfill.

 

(3) What she does now? Probably takes care of the house, prepares meals, maybe she has volunteer work or church responsibilities, maybe attends a Bible study. There are many women that fill their day while their kids are at school and aren't necessariliy "wasting" their time. (I sometimes dream of how I could fill my day if I weren't homeschooling).

 

(4) I don't think that "being there in case she's needed" means that she never leaves the house. My mom was a stay-at-home Mom until I was a Sr. in high school and then she went to work part-time. I hated it! She wasn't there like she had been before . . . it wasn't necessarily that I "needed" her during the time that she was gone, but she wasn't "available", and when she was home, she was busier dealing with the needs of the family. There just wasn't as much cushion time as there had been.

 

Everyone's got to make their own choice about how much something is "worth". I do think that women today are pressured into using their time to "make money" inferring that somehow taking care of home, husband and chidlren isn't quite worthwhile enough for modern women.

[Carol in Cal.]

I've studied women's history a lot, and the founder of the academic discipline of Home Economics, Ellen Swallow Richards, has a quote about a related issue:

 

"...home life has been robbed by removal of creative work. You cannot make women content with just cooking and cleaning, and you need not try! All industrial education is doomed to fail unless you take account of the girls. You cannot put them where their great grandmothers were, while you take to yourselves the spinning, the weaving, and the soapmaking! The time was when there was always something to do in the home. Now there is only something to be DONE."

[Princess Peach]

It sounds like working outside the home wasn't working for this family. And since Dr. Laura is big on pushing SAHMs, she wanted to email DL to tell her she could understand why.

 

There is also a lot that we don't know about this situation. Maybe she doesn't want to leave the 10 yo home alone. Maybe the 16yo can't drive with unlicensed passengers (true in our state). Maybe she was in more of a temporary teaching position, rather than subbing a day here and there (sounds like it). Maybe her DH wasn't supportive of her going back to work and expected that life stayed the same as before (her doing all the at home work).

Edited December 7, 2010 by Princess Peach
typo

[Jenny in GA]

>>>(3) What she does now? Probably takes care of the house, prepares meals, maybe she has volunteer work or church responsibilities, maybe attends a Bible study. There are many women that fill their day while their kids are at school and aren't necessariliy "wasting" their time. (I sometimes dream of how I could fill my day if I weren't homeschooling).

 

But then what's the difference? If working PT is a disaster, wouldn't quitting to do regular volunteer work have the same results?

 

>>>>>>(4) I don't think that "being there in case she's needed" means that she never leaves the house. My mom was a stay-at-home Mom until I was a Sr. in high school and then she went to work part-time. I hated it!

 

See, that's really interesting, and maybe the key point to why this bugged me. When I was 16, my mom went to work part-time ... and I loved it! I felt less smothered. I loved the simple freedom of coming home from school and being able to fix my own snack.

 

As far as the question, "What do you care -- she says she's happy?" I got the impression (perhaps incorrectly) that DL was making a statement by reading it, like, "See? That's what you need to be doing."

[RanchGirl]

who knows what else is going on for this family or how stressful she found the teaching job. The only thing you can conclude is that this woman decided that when she is not working, her household runs more smoothly and she feels more available when her kids need her. I don't see anything more than that in it. It's not an indictment of other women who take on part-time jobs when their kids are in school... just an example of a family that chose simplicity and household harmony over monetary gain.

 

If I recall, Dr Laura worked while her son was in school, and made it work with his schedule? Not sure on the details but I have never heard her condemn women who work while their kids are in school if that's what you're worried about.

[PiCO]

I can see how having a full time home manager can indeed alleviate stress.

 

I can see this, too. I think I'll start looking for a full time home manager for my home! Anyone looking for a job?