S/O Men struggling with p0rn... How does addiction affect a relationship?

[Hedgehog]

The thread on how many men struggle with p0rn0gr@phy got me thinking about addictions - for some, this struggle may be because they are addicted.

 

So thinking about addictions in general, whether it be p0rn, alcohol, drugs etc. Do you think a relationship is doomed if one or both partners are addicts of some kind - it is always damaging to the people concerned, to stay in the relationship? Is is possible to help an addict overcome their addiction and so save the relationship? What effect does the addiction have on others - children, parents, siblings?

 

What do you think? Does anyone have any experiences they're willing to share?

[Parrothead]

The thread on how many men struggle with p0rn0gr@phy got me thinking about addictions - for some, this struggle may be because they are addicted.

 

So thinking about addictions in general, whether it be p0rn, alcohol, drugs etc. Do you think a relationship is doomed if one or both partners are addicts of some kind - it is always damaging to the people concerned, to stay in the relationship? Is is possible to help an addict overcome their addiction and so save the relationship? What effect does the addiction have on others - children, parents, siblings?

 

What do you think? Does anyone have any experiences they're willing to share?

I suppose it will depend on what the addiction is. There are other factors and circumstances involved. I think it is safe to say every situation is different.

 

To the first bolded question I'd have to say no. Maybe most of the time or some of the times. Not always.

 

To the second bolded question, yes.

[lionfamily1999]

People can be addicted to almost anything. It depends on the addiction, the legality of the addiction and how the couple's morals line up with that addiction.

 

I do think for any kind of addiction, it's possible to quit and the relationship can be salvaged. Of course, that also depends on the couple's morals and the legality of the addiction.

[FaithManor]

I think that any addiction can be overcome. I think that many of them are extrememely difficult to master and as such, many times leaves the relationship in peril if it is a hill that the spouse/significant other is willing to "die" on...and for some, it is something that can't be let go because there is so much at stake.

 

The question is, "Does the addicted love the other person, the children, whomever more than self?" "Does he/she love another enough to give up the thing they crave no matter what the difficulties in doing so?"

 

I had a very wise pastor say one time after my brother's wife filed divorce (she was unfaithful several times) because he had drawn the line in the sand, "It's not that she didn't love your brother...it's just that she didn't love him enough to give up her behavior." It was the truth. She could be very loving to my brother but she never loved him enough to stay put and he couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore.

 

Faith

[Hedgehog]

I had a very wise pastor say one time after my brother's wife filed divorce (she was unfaithful several times) because he had drawn the line in the sand, "It's not that she didn't love your brother...it's just that she didn't love him enough to give up her behavior." It was the truth. She could be very loving to my brother but she never loved him enough to stay put and he couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore.

 

Faith

 

:iagree: In a way I wish I had a reason to disagree with this, but you are so right. I believe it is a choice.

[Parrothead]

I think that any addiction can be overcome. I think that many of them are extrememely difficult to master and as such, many times leaves the relationship in peril if it is a hill that the spouse/significant other is willing to "die" on...and for some, it is something that can't be let go because there is so much at stake.

 

The question is, "Does the addicted love the other person, the children, whomever more than self?" "Does he/she love another enough to give up the thing they crave no matter what the difficulties in doing so?"

 

I had a very wise pastor say one time after my brother's wife filed divorce (she was unfaithful several times) because he had drawn the line in the sand, "It's not that she didn't love your brother...it's just that she didn't love him enough to give up her behavior." It was the truth. She could be very loving to my brother but she never loved him enough to stay put and he couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore.

 

Faith

I think the bolded is going to depend on the addiction. I don't know your xSIL so I can't say for sure, but being unfaithful isn't necessarily an addiction.

 

If dh had told me that it was him or my smoking I could not have quit the smoking just out of love for him. It would not have been because I loved myself more, it would have been because of a physical addiction. I tried for years to do it alone for love of self. (I wanted to quit so I didn't die from it.) I had to have chemical help to over come the physical dependency.

[lionfamily1999]

I think the bolded is going to depend on the addiction. I don't know your xSIL so I can't say for sure, but being unfaithful isn't necessarily an addiction.

 

If dh had told me that it was him or my smoking I could not have quit the smoking just out of love for him. It would not have been because I loved myself more, it would have been because of a physical addiction. I tried for years to do it alone for love of self. (I wanted to quit so I didn't die from it.) I had to have chemical help to over come the physical dependency.

:iagree: I think that some addictions require outside help to quit and it doesn't matter how much you love someone else, you just can't do it alone.

 

 

 

 

My dad is a diabetic. His attitude towards sugar seems very much like an addiction. He craves it, he cannot deny himself sugar. My mom says he's trying to kill himself, but having btdt I beg her to understand that it's not that easy. The more sugar Dad has the more that his body craves, it's insane, but it's the nature of his disease. The less he needs it (the more likely it is to kill him) the more he wants it. Things like that just aren't rational, they will not 'listen' to reason. They just are and it takes going one moment at a time to overcome them. Once it seems like they've been overcome, they're really just under control. My mother quit smoking three or four years ago, she still craves the occassional cigarette.

[Hedgehog]

If dh had told me that it was him or my smoking I could not have quit the smoking just out of love for him. It would not have been because I loved myself more, it would have been because of a physical addiction. I tried for years to do it alone for love of self. (I wanted to quit so I didn't die from it.) I had to have chemical help to over come the physical dependency.

 

Is that then another question of choice.. is the person concerned willing to do whatever it takes to overcome the dependency? Is there any addiction that cannot be overcome at all?

[lionfamily1999]

Is that then another question of choice.. is the person concerned willing to do whatever it takes to overcome the dependency? Is there any addiction that cannot be overcome at all?

I think you can quit anything... even quitting.

 

Okay, so I believe you can repent from something, move on, and still backslide every once in a blue moon. I think that with some things the only way you'll ever quit is if you keep quitting, over and over and over again with sincerity. So, I do believe you can overcome any addiction, but I don't believe that you stop being addicted in most cases. IOW, I don't think that many alcoholics get to the point where they can have a social drink. Some do, but not most.

[Michelle in AL]

I think whether or not the relationship is doomed depends on the effect of the addiction. For shopping addiction it could be spending too much money that is just not there putting the family under a tremndous strain, that if not stopped could break a family.

 

I believe drugs and alcohol overtime change a personality to an extent that it is impossible to have a HEALTHY relationship. The relationship can only stay intact due to the unaddicted spouse's tolerance. It can take many yrs for an addicted person to get to the stage where they are so negative and self-centered that it is distructive to a relationship, but I believe they all eventually get there. Healthy marriages can only result from alcoholism/drug addiction if the addiction is stopped and therapy for the underlying cause is addressed.

[FaithManor]

Parrothead, my sil's issue was related to a physical addiction and though help was offered and good programs were available to help her overcome it, she was unwilling. That was the point that I was making.

 

I should have made it more clear that she had an addiction, that legitimate help was available, and that there was a breaking point at which though she claimed to love my brother she clearly chose the lifestyle over him.

 

Sorry I wasn't more clear. I didn't mean to minimize any addiction.

 

Faith

[Joanne]

The thread on how many men struggle with p0rn0gr@phy got me thinking about addictions - for some, this struggle may be because they are addicted.

 

So thinking about addictions in general, whether it be p0rn, alcohol, drugs etc. Do you think a relationship is doomed if one or both partners are addicts of some kind - it is always damaging to the people concerned, to stay in the relationship? Is is possible to help an addict overcome their addiction and so save the relationship? What effect does the addiction have on others - children, parents, siblings?

 

What do you think? Does anyone have any experiences they're willing to share?

 

The nature of addiction is such that the symptoms of that disorder nearly always impact the quality of life of the addict and therefore impacts the life of those around them.

 

I think in many cases, living long term with an addict is damaging.

 

I think that the idea you can help the addict and save the relationship is a cognition that is usually tied to co-dependent thinking that will serve only to make everyone more frustrated.

 

There are things, however, you can do that make your response to addiction more/less manageable in YOUR life.

 

There are books, series of books and copious amounts of research regarding the effect of addiction on spouses, children, etc.

[missesd]

"It's not that she didn't love your brother...it's just that she didn't love him enough to give up her behavior."

 

This is me. Also what comes into play a lot of times that people don't realize, is that the addictions may either be an off shoot of another problem, OR spider web into other issues. Two off the top of my mind, are lying and impulse control.

 

I think the hardest part is when you have to decide whether to keep loving them, and hoping and praying to endure the "worse" in hope of the better, OR to love yourself. And even harder is being okay with either decision, because the guilt either way will eat you alive.

[Tutor]

No, I do not think that the relationship is doomed, but I know that it is very, very difficult on the relationship. All relationships have ups and downs, but addiction (in my experience) is like an increase in gravitational pull pulling the baseline of normal down so that both the addict and the one he/ she is in a relationship with have to work harder to reach "normal" and "up" and the "downs" can be achieved much more easily.

[sbgrace]

Do you think a relationship is doomed if one or both partners are addicts of some kind - it is always damaging to the people concerned, to stay in the relationship? Doomed--no, not always. How damaging it is to the people concerned to stay in the relationship depends on the addiction (type of addiction, extent of behaviors within the addiction, secondary issues (say personality disorders or compulsive lying), people involved, etc.).

 

Is is possible to help an addict overcome their addiction and so save the relationship? I don't think a person can change another person and to think somehow that you could alter a spouse's addiction is a mess. I don't feel like I can express this well. But a spouse is not ever the cause of an addiction or addiction acting out (no matter what the person says or how it seems or how it is set up). You cannot really do any of the work on overcoming it either. So...no.

However, you can do something. You can get help yourself (say to avoid codependent behaviors, to process the emotions connected, to reach out to spouses who have been there and can support you, to realize you're not responsible, etc.) You can have resources available (well researched) for when a spouse is willing to get help. You can even ask a spouse to do something (get counseling, do an addiction program, etc.) but you can't make the change. A program or counselor can't make the change either. They have to do that. And even if/when spouse is willing it's going to be hard--very hard. It might be long with lots of starts and stops and fails and try again points. If you're religious I personally think prayer is the one thing you can do. In my experience the only true and lasting resolution came through religious conversion type growth.

 

I want to say that in an addiction I don't think the spouse's inability to overcome the addiction means they don't love the other person or value the marriage. It may feel like it does or should. But addiction by it's nature is in control. If the person was controlling the behavior or could consistently stop it for someone important to them it wouldn't be an addiction I don't think. Or at least not a strong one! Addictive behavior in your partner says nothing about the value of you as a spouse or person. It says a lot about their own deep issues and/or brain chemicals and make up (or both). That's it.

 

What effect does the addiction have on others - children, parents, siblings? Well, it depends on the addiction. In some cases certain others might be unaware (unless told or marriage dissolves and grief associated with that) so it might only have minor influence. I do think there is some influence in that often the nature of addiction and issues surrounding it bring issues in all relationships. For children I'm sure the effects vary as well but there are always marriage impacts and that affects children of course. Again, I think often there are relationship issues for addicts that cross all relationships and so that would be greater for the children involved in that this is a parental relationship vs. (say) a sibling.

 

Most addictions are very hard on marriages. But not 100% fatal or hopeless every time.

Edited December 1, 2010 by sbgrace

[Peela]

The nature of addiction is such that the symptoms of that disorder nearly always impact the quality of life of the addict and therefore impacts the life of those around them.

 

I think in many cases, living long term with an addict is damaging.

 

I think that the idea you can help the addict and save the relationship is a cognition that is usually tied to co-dependent thinking that will serve only to make everyone more frustrated.

There are things, however, you can do that make your response to addiction more/less manageable in YOUR life.

 

There are books, series of books and copious amounts of research regarding the effect of addiction on spouses, children, etc.

 

:iagree:

It is good to be aware that there are vast amounts of research on this issue, including many books....it is not easy to be with a partner with an addiction and very easy to fall into the pattern of co-dependence, living in an unrealistic hope of being able to change the addicted person with enough love. In that respect...the co-dependent person is often addicted too, but in a different way. Similar mechanism though.

 

The addicted person/people have to get to the point that they actually want to change. Deeply. And then do something about it- whatever it takes. Many give false hope to their desperate partners by saying they want to change when they can't. Addiction is not so easy as a change of mind..otherwise it wouldn't be addiction. But the partner needs to take care of themselves and their children first and foremost, to recognise the reality of the situation- and that often takes outside help.