Wwyd - Behaviour issues with ds11?

[sahm99]

Ds11 has been trying to play his muscles these last months...some backtalking, some defiant behaviour, some unpleasant attitude:tongue_smilie:.

 

While this has been a pain at times, I have the impression that we are dealing with it appropriately, swiftly, and somewhat effectively (well, we'll see in 10 years...:lol:).

 

I am at a loss though, about how to deal (and IF to deal) with him badmouthing us in front of his sisters.

We just had another of these somewhat typical situations: I correct him on some (minor, but definately worth to be mentioned!) situation. He does as requested (1 min.job), then walks out, fuming. On his way out (off to play with little sister6), he makes some REALLY nasty/mean/very-bad-language-comment about me to her. She comes back inside after some minutes, visibly disturbed and only tells me after some insistance...

 

I was so shocked about what he had said, that I had him come in, too. He is now sitting on a stool, grounded for two hours...

To be frank, I just didn't know what else to do...?!?!?

 

On one hand, I find it unfortunate to put the girls in a situation of controlling whether (dh and) I punish ds. On the other hand, it seems (at times) to impact their well-being, to have to listen to uncontrolled outpours of rage. I strongly believe that this attitude is not acceptable.

 

I am on vacation at the end of the world (literally) without dh! So, please, share with me your ideas about how to best deal with a bratty pre-pubertant boy...

Thank you!

[Tidbits of Learning]

It isn't just bratty pre-puberty boys. My dd10 is exploring bad mouthing after back-talking and punishments from us. She seems to be trying out curse words as well. I am not sure what the reasons are for it and her younger dd did inform us of the language. The younger dd is just a year younger so she wasn't visibly upset, just perterbed. I can punish at the time of the offense with time outs or such, but at this age I think it just makes them stew and think ways to be angrier.

I took dd's nintendo ds away tonight after the cursing and did not bend at the crying and yelling. I am sure a ds would do differently than crying and emotional manipulation, but that is what I get when punishments are dealt to dd10. The co-op social is on the line if another offense should occur.

So my advise would be not to do time outs at this age. It really isn't a punishment. They just sit and stew. I would instead advise to take away what they enjoy most-be that a video game, tv time, sports event, co-op social...you get the idea. I am finding that initially this gets the most horrid reaction with tears and screaming and what not, but it also gets the most results long term.

Since you have a son, I would expect the language may be worse. I know dd's cursing picked up during soccer season. I was shocked at the way girls talked on opposing teams to our players and such. My dd did not really understand some of the curse words. I had to calmly have discussions about why the words had such an effect and what they really mean sometimes. I have also had the discussion of acting grown up if you want to be treated grown up as well as the your younger siblings look up to you and will imitate you. Since he is a ds and dh is gone, I would sit him down and have a talk about how "real" men act and what "real" men do not say around ladies or small children. I think a real heart to heart talk is needed in this situation. Then I would take away something important for a set amount of time or take away an outing or event that is important.

If it were my son (my ds are both still little) and he said anything horrid to me or about me as his mom and a female, I would make him tell his Dad how he treated me. I wouldn't tell dh. I would have ds "man" up and tell his Dad by phone if circumstances necessitated. Then I would take away something important.

Edited November 8, 2010 by OpenMinded

[Guest CarolineUK]

I don't know what it was that he said to your daughter, but I would start by discussing that, why he feels that way, and how justified or not he is to feel that way. I would then go on to make it absolutely clear that whatever he feels it is completely unacceptable to bad-mouth me to his sister, and I'd make sure that there would be some very heavy ultimate sanction that would be imposed if it ever happened again. I never hand out sanctions lightly, but when I say that there will be a consequence for a certain behaviour then they know full well that I will carry it out, even if it's painful or inconvenient for myself. By this point with my DS11 he knows this so well that he knows it's not worth overstepping the line with me, or that if he does he's effectively chosen to make his own life difficult. So be it.

 

Good luck. It's never easy this parenting job is it?

[KidsHappen]

My recommendation is a private journal where he is allowed to vent his feelings. That way he can get them out of his system without inflicting them on anyone else. Everyone suffers from anger and frusration sometimes and they really do need a place to vent these feelings so that they don't build up.

[Sasharowan]

My recommendation is a private journal where he is allowed to vent his feelings. That way he can get them out of his system without inflicting them on anyone else. Everyone suffers from anger and frusration sometimes and they really do need a place to vent these feelings so that they don't build up.

 

This is a really good idea. What we do here, since there is serious dislike of writing, is allowed feelings to be aired in the bathroom alone or their bedroom alone, as long as no one can hear what they are saying. It started when the were little and would copy bad language they heard. We would tell them those were bathroom words and if they really wanted to say them, they could go in the bathroom and say them. Since most of mine are really social, being out with the family won out over the fun of saying the words.

[Starr]

Yard work.

[Renee in NC]

Yard work.

 

:lol: My 12yo has his own lawn care business, so he spent all summer doing yardwork. Didn't help *his* attitude any!:tongue_smilie:

 

Honestly, talk to him about it, then remember that this too shall pass.;)

[Alyce]

I found that this was a stage that my ds was going through. He's starting to feel like an adult and he's testing your limits. I would definitely have a good talk with him but have your husband join you as well. Let him speak his peace and if it's something that he feels you are doing wrong and he's right tell him you'll try to change (my son felt like we were giving Dd more attention than him and when I honestly looked at the picture, he was right) If not you BOTH need to make it clear that this will not be tolerated and give him a list of consequences. I made the mistake of not always handing out the consequences and for that my son takes a snarky tone with me. We've had several discussions since then and we both have some issues to work out. My son is now 17 and feels like he should be treated like an adult. He's right to a degree but he is learning that he still has rules to meet. I don't know if I'll ever get rid of the snarkiness anytime soon but I really wish I had been more consistent when it first started. That's going to be very important with your son right now. If you can't find a way to work it out it will only get worse as he gets older.