Foster Mamas: Another question about visits.

[CalicoKat]

any suggestions for making this an easier transition for this little dude.

 

He started out being thrilled to go. And it's gone downhill quickly from there.

 

The minute he realizes there's going to be a visit (sees her car, sees her, recognizes no one else is getting ready to go somewhere, sees the packed diaper bag) he tantrums. Arched back. Screaming. Running away (if he can).

 

The driver he has known since he was an infant.

 

Because he would run away I usually am carrying him and the driver now has the expectation that I'm going to buckle him in. She won't let him eat or drink in her car so I can't distract him.

 

It's not a normal riding in car seat tantrum because he doesn't do this when we run errands. He climbs up into the van himself and sits down in his car seat smiling and attempting to buckle himself.

 

I would like him to walk out to her car, but since he runs the other direction I can't.

 

Any suggestions to help make this 3x/week event less dramatic?

 

Thanks.

[Luckymama]

Gosh, no suggestions. Just :grouphug: for that little guy. Wow.

[SonshineLearner]

Gosh... I'd wonder why there's such a response. I'd be journaling it for sure, and I'd ask about something like fun fruits or asking for them to just let him having something tasty. At this age, food treats can be important!! Did you ask the driver for some help? What are your true responsibilities? Is it your responsibility to buckle in? Or... just to make him available? Could you take him to the meeting spot? I'd ask her why she thinks he won't get in the car.

Sorry :(

[Dobela]

Where are the visits happening? Are they supervised at the CPS offices?

 

If you aren't already, be documenting his behavior before and after each visit. Present it at some point to the ad litem. We actually had official forms to fill out.

 

I always transported my foster children to and from visits. It just made it so much better. Yes, it was more in my schedule, but it was also fewer people involved and much less stress. I began this after discovering one toddler was often left fairly alone in a playroom while waiting for a visit. They could see him thru the glass, but they couldn't hear him to know he had needs and I think that sometimes he was ignored. The adults in charge while he waited changed constantly. The driver was just responsible for getting the child to the offices, and then picking up and had nothing to do with him in the hours in between. Another advantage was that if the parent didn't show, I would be able to leave with the child sooner - he didn't have to wait for the driver to come back.

 

For another child we learned that since she was not allowed to eat in the transportation van she was sometimes going hours without anything - because her biological parents didn't feed her during the visit. The visit was to begin around 9am, ended around noon, but she wasn't coming back to us until 2 or so when other children were dropped off first. The food I would pack in her bag would come back uneaten.

 

I watched some visits that were painful for me to see. The parents would be too rough (IMO) or ignore the child, or not know how to interact with the child and it was just beyond stressful for the child and myself.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: This child is blessed to have you as a foster parent.

[Ottakee]

This is very tough. I had that with my now 15dd when she was that age. I did drive her most of the time but once she saw where we were going it was terrible.

 

I would certainly call the worker and explain your concerns. I would make sure someone was supervising the visits and documenting any concerns during the visit. Certainly document his behavior--including things later in the day when he comes back etc. My documentation was used in the termination preceedings---just part of the case, but still a piece.

 

It might help for you to drive but I know how hard that can be with other kids, schooling, etc.

 

If you don't get anywhere with the worker, etc. then talk to his guardian ad lidem about your concerns.

[Laurie4b]

If it's legal (I assume it is), I would have someone videotape this.

Is he difficult when he gets back from visits? Sometimes the "back and forth" pull is very difficult for children.

Who is the driver? (You don't have to answer here.) Is she possibly mean to him in the van?

Sometimes, it's that the parent was physically abusive to the child and the child is scared. A friend's foster baby was like this and had terrible fear of strangers. Once visits with bio mom stopped, the stranger anxiety stopped. The child was a baby--still unable to talk at that point, but was clearly communicating her feelings.

So, to "make it easier", you'd have to have a good idea of what the issue is. As I said, I would videotape and discuss with social worker, GAL, and a child therapist. Is your foster child in therapy? If not, I 'd ask for that.

[mommyagain]

Also, if you don't get anywhere with the worker, get a hold of the worker's supervisor. And definitely let the guardian ad litem know what is happening. I would want to find out if it is the ride that is frightening him or the visit itself.

 

:grouphug:God bless!! This foster parenting is HARD work!!!!

[anneofalamo]

This is a very big RED RED flag and the SW needs to be ALERTED to the problems for HIM and how much he is freaking. Tell the GAL, and anyone who will listen.

We stopped actually going to the CPS/CYFD building because the were soiling themselves (at age 4 and 5). We tried to different places each time, but SW's time is tight also. I would bend over backwards for them for the kid's welfare and I expected the same from them.

 

The visits may be court mandated, but HIS welfare is first! IF the SW is unconcerned, explain to them, you appreciate them, but will be contacting their supervisor until something is changed for HIM. Keep going up the chain, perhaps have the GAL there for one of the transports?

 

over and over remember HE is first! HE has been thru enough!!

[Teachin'Mine]

Be his voice. Make them listen. :grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

Things to keep journal for each visit:

 

1. location

2. his behavior before and afterwards

3. supervised or not? And who it was.

4. who all came to the visit?

5. ?

 

anything else? At this point I can't drive him to his visits. That would be at minimum six hours a week of my time--plus I'd have to cancel our co-op committment since once of his visits just happened to be scheduled over that time (not by design).

 

I am going to be requesting a change in driver/supervisor. Since I do believe she's enabling the birthmom at this time rather than encouraging her to change.