Helping build self-esteem

[mmasmommy]

My DS struggles with his self-esteem. He is a very anxious kid, a perfectionist, and just believes that he is not good enough most of the time.

 

He blows me away daily with the things he knows. He is a bright kid but struggles with frustration tolerance. I am constantly telling him how proud I am of him and how much I love him. I do my very best to not put pressure on him and tell him that all I expect him to do is try his best.

 

Are there strategies that I can use to help increase his self-esteem?

[stripe]

Help him stop fixating on himself, maybe. Help him "lose himself" by helping others, including things like tutoring.

 

I am fairly certain there are threads on here about perfectionism...I am sure others have ideas, too.

[Guest janainaz]

I heard a long time ago, "If you want to fix your kids, fix you first."

 

Don't be too hard on you (not to say you are). But I am a perfectionist in many areas, and I always wonder if my ds10 learned his tendencies from me, or if it's a personality trait.

[Rosie_0801]

Acknowledge the things he isn't good at. He can't learn to be at peace with those things if they are swept under the carpet.

 

Him: "I'm rotten at this!"

You: "Well, yeah, but you're getting better."

You: "Well yeah, but so am I. At least we can be rotten together!"

 

Him: "I'm so stupid!"

You: "Well I'm not so I think I'd notice if you were."

You: "How do you know?"

Then speak as though you think it is an interesting theory that should be considered objectively and run through a point that supports his position so you can conclude that he isn't a one hundred percent genius, then a few points to refute his position so you can conclude that he isn't an idiot either. Then dramatically ask if he is willing to hear your judgment. After all that rambling, he probably will (or he's got bored and left the room) and dramatically pronounce that "I'm sorry to have to say this, but you, my boy, ARE NORMAL!"

 

If he doesn't believe what you are saying, the positive feedback won't work. Telling him you love him is great, of course, but it doesn't actually address the issue he is concerned about. Weird as it sounds, some people thrive on less rather than more praise. If he doesn't feel his efforts are particularly praiseworthy, the praise might just make him feel cross and invalidated.

 

Rosie

[Jen+4dc]

I found this book to be very enlightening.

[mmasmommy]

Thanks for the advice. I do see a lot of myself in the boy.

 

My library had that book so I will check it out.

[SailorMom]

Real self-esteem can only be gained by doing good things and being worthy of self esteem. Have him do volunteer work, help more around the house, help the neighbor kids with tutoring, etc. Self worth and self confidence are probably more what you're aiming for.

Keep in mind - the people with the highest self esteem are the inmates at our prisons.

[abbeyej]

I like what others have said. I also wanted to throw out there the idea of getting him started doing something "hard" where he will *not* be the best. It could be almost anything -- running, swimming, playing chess... Something where with *effort* he will see *progress*, but "perfection" is impossible. Focus on the effort involved and the progress he's making, on the fact that he can look back and see how he has improved and gained skill and competence. These things don't need to be (and probably shouldn't be) competitive with others (at least not as the main focus). You want him to focus on getting *better* at something and recognizing his own progress, at the same time acknowledging that it will simply never be "perfect".

 

Also, praise genuine effort and improvement with whatever he's doing. But *don't* give "empty praise". Smart, perfectionistic kids see through that, and they often stop believing any praise. You want him to know that the praise you give is genuine...

[stripe]

Weird as it sounds, some people thrive on less rather than more praise. If he doesn't feel his efforts are particularly praiseworthy, the praise might just make him feel cross and invalidated.

I personally find (what I perceive to be) hollow praise to be really annoying and even insulting. My mother LOVES being praised and loves oozing praise when talking to others, and we are really incompatible in our views on this issue! I think she thinks I am really cold and unemotional because I don't clap for my kids and so on! Ha. So I tend to echo Rosie's sentiment esp since nowadays many people are really into thick layers of praise.

 

I also enjoyed reading Nurture Shock.

[plansrme]

I am constantly telling him how proud I am of him and how much I love him.

 

This is probably making it worse.

 

Another good book on this topic is Positive Pushing by Dr. James Taylor (no, not that James Taylor). It is geared towards parents of kids who are in an "achievement activity," such as a competitive sport, dance, etc., but it includes much sound advice for all parents. According to Positive Pushing, the characteristics your son is exhibiting, while he probably has a tendency towards perfectionism anyway, are only made worse with praise-for-no-reason.

 

Around our house, praise is something you earn. Love we give out for free, but if you want me to praise you, get in that kitchen/pool/gym/baseball field/school room and work for it.

 

Terri