So, my mother has finally decided to enter the computer age. Only problem is....

[AuntieM]

she is a casino-hopping compulsive gambler.

 

I know she sees her sisters using facebook and would like to participate in social networking. I personally think that would be WONDERFUL and would allow my kids to increase interactions with her and share news, pics, etc.

 

However, she told my brother that she "wants to compete in online poker tournaments."

 

She is not a techie, AT ALL. I truly believe it is her desire to gamble conveniently that is the driving force behind her sudden won't-take-no-for-an-answer on the computer. Her health, and that of her husband, is getting to the point that traveling to casinos may be getting more difficult. DB, who is local (I am 1000 miles away), has sensed her intent and has tried to discourage her, but now she is ready to go out and buy a computer without his help.

 

DB tells me that those gambling sites ask for your credit card number right off the bat. Mom has a number of cards and they all have high credit limits. He is truly afraid she will lose her house and everything else she owns.

 

DB is asking my advice. I understand his fear, and share it. I just don't know what to tell him, or what to do myself. I understand that she is a grown woman responsible for her own actions. I just dread the possible outcomes of opening a new arena for her addiction.

 

Any been there/done that wisdom you could share would be greatly appreciated. I need both perspective on the situation and any suggestions on how to help her avoid getting into trouble.

[Starr]

:grouphug:It doesn't sound good. I'm sorry. The history in our family is not pretty.

[abbeyej]

If she's really not technically-savvy, perhaps your brother could help set her up but with a really strong net-nanny program? Surely there are some out there that will block searches for anything gambling-related and prevent her opening gambling-related pages?

 

Ugh. What an awful position to be in. :(

[duckens]

A net nanny program was my first thought, but I don't know whether those work for anti-gambling sites or not.

 

Good luck to you.

[StephanieZ]

(((hugs)))

 

Gambling addiction is rough stuff.

 

Having BTDT with close family members with gambling addiction, the best advice I can offer is that you can't fix it. Join Al-Anon or read some kind of book about enabling/addiction/family issues and try to keep boundaries. You aren't going to be able to stop it.

 

I know it is heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating. Take care of yourself.

 

(((hugs)))

[kalanamak]

she is a casino-hopping compulsive gambler.

 

Mom has a number of cards and they all have high credit limits. .

 

If she has been able to keep a number of cards with high limits intact, she has not been completely irresponsible. Is your brother a worry-wart?

[G5052]

If I was the DB, I'd tell her that she's going to have to get someone else to help her buy and set up the computer. There are plenty of people out there who do this for a fee. If she wants it bad enough, she can pay for it.

 

I know that's extremely painful, but I stood up to a relative on an issue that could have ruined them, and I have no regrets. You have to look ahead and think how you'd feel if the worse happened.

[StephanieZ]

If she's really not technically-savvy, perhaps your brother could help set her up but with a really strong net-nanny program? Surely there are some out there that will block searches for anything gambling-related and prevent her opening gambling-related pages?

 

Ugh. What an awful position to be in. :(

 

This sounds like a good idea if you can make it work. At work, we've set up our internet access to go through a DNS server that you can block certain domains or sites, and track all usage, etc. It is actually a free service, or you can pay a few dollars a month for fancier features. I don't recall what it is called. Maybe Open DNS or something like that. If you could get someone to "help her set up" her computer and get something like that installed. . .well, it *might* hamper her quest for a while.

 

Then again, it is probably ill advised to try to trick her, so if she doesn't WANT help limiting her access, it is probably a waste of effort on many levels.

[AuntieM]

If she has been able to keep a number of cards with high limits intact, she has not been completely irresponsible. Is your brother a worry-wart?

 

Good point. As far as I know, she's not getting called by bill collectors. She does have a sense of responsibility for making payments.

 

My brother worries, but he is closer to her and knows her M.O. Funny thing is, she is quite lucky and manages to win lots of the time. She continues to receive income from some of my father's long-term investments and some rental property income. She manages to spend most of it, we are pretty sure she has no big buffer in the bank (which, within her circumstances, in the absence of gambling, she should have been able to accrue a comfortable cushion). Also, she is incredibly resourceful and is highly skilled at a trade where she can choose to take on a project or two to make some quick cash when she needs it, so I think she's managed to stay on top of her payments. Trouble is, she is aging and her health is starting to prevent her from taking on projects. I think it's only a matter of time before she's no longer able to keep all the plates spinning.

 

I would say the biggest signs of her addiction - and that of her husband - is that they will disappear for days at a time in casinos. I have called her on many days at 10am only to find her too exhausted to have a conversation because they stayed at the slot machines all night. In her circles of friends, gambling - in casinos and at in-home poker tournaments - is a regular source of entertainment. It's not just an annual trip to Vegas, kwim?

 

I just worry about how fast she could get into trouble online, and have a huge debt before she realizes what she's racked up.

 

Hopefully you are right, and my brother and I just worry too much....

[bookfiend]

Is there anyway to protect any of their financial assets or physical property? Something that will keep them from hitting rock bottom and then needing the children to support them? Are your parents finances blended or seperatel, so that the actions of one won't ruin the other? Not questions to answer here - just points to perhaps toss into the sibling conversation.

[AuntieM]

Is there anyway to protect any of their financial assets or physical property? Something that will keep them from hitting rock bottom and then needing the children to support them? Are your parents finances blended or seperatel, so that the actions of one won't ruin the other? Not questions to answer here - just points to perhaps toss into the sibling conversation.

 

Well, that's kind of what I was wondering. If there were some fail-safes that could be set in place to prevent her from bottoming out. I keep coming up empty handed. Seems like everything I think of is something that has to originate with *her*. There's nothing I can do to protect her from her poor choices. Frustrating, and sad.

 

I am not sure if we could get a net-nanny type program to block those sites. I mean, that's where she really wants to go, so she'd be angry about having them blocked. DB says she needs "parental controls"!

 

I will talk to my brother tomorrow. It will really be up to him to decide how much he wants to assist her.

 

Love my mom, but she is really very much like a wayward teenager. I would never have predicted this scenario 30 years ago. Funny how some things work out.