*If you are stressed, and not having fun, you're doing it wrong*

[KidsHappen]

Honestly, no fun in my life right now. I just look at it like it is not my season for fun. I am doing the grunt work right now and will reap the rewards later. I am making efforts to improve that and I hope that things will improve in the future but it certainly would not help to have someone telling me that I am doing it all wrong.

 

On the other hand, that does not mean that my children are not having any fun. Yes, they have also had more than their fair share of stress lately but part of my grunt work is making sure that they are not unduly burdened at such a young age. I make sure than they have plenty of joy in their life and I am content with that.

 

My time will come and I am a patient woman. ;)

[Aubrey]

That was what a professional therapist told me today. He hsed six dc - all succesful college and/or working adults. He focused on their strengths, skimmed through their weakness, had fun and tailored the work to their learnilng style (each kid was initally evaluated for this).

 

Now I will have to shoot myself. I stress all of the time. I am not having fun. I see reading lists, books to finish, projects undone, math facts to memorize, and kids resisting.

 

When I see all of the stuff to be learned, memorized, completed I want to skip the kids to private school (recent fantasy). This guy says - DO LESS, FOCUS ON STRENGTHS, ENJOY! What? There are book lists to be read, memory lists to be memorized, math fact to be nailed, dc to be taught a thorough Puritan Work Ethic! Enjoy? I can hardly survive.

 

Even when I commit to *Less is More* all of the learning opportunities creep up, I become anxious about all that we could be learning if I squeezed more in, and pile it on.

 

What to do? I remember hearing SWB say she wished her mom had not worried so. But, SWB is a genius and she went on to write a book (TWTM) that both inspires me and depresses me. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it is just a resource, all of the lists remind me that I could/should be getting more knowledge into their heads.

 

What is my point? Not sure except that this guy really rocked my world today. It is a sore spot and he dug into it. So, right now, I am doing it wrong and I don't know (don't have the courage) to do it any other way.

 

Thoughts? :confused:

 

Oh, I finally got a good groove about 3-4 weeks ago. I'd cut out everything except hist, math, & science. We did those 3 things every day, nothing else.

 

School was fun again! We were doing more reading & writing than ever!

 

So what did I do? I added reading & writing. And Bible. And Five in a Row. Etc.

 

Now I'm bogged down & can barely get it all done again. Hahahahaha!!!:lol:

[Laura in VA]

...I wouldn't pay a dime to a "professional therapist" who feels the need to tell people they're "doing it wrong" if their reality doesn't mirror his own.

 

:iagree:

[LizzyBee]

And I don't know you, or your therapist. But if you were one of my close friends, telling me this, I'd say: I think you need to find a therapist who understands grace. Otherwise, "having fun" becomes one more of those impossible standards you set up for yourself, and you'll collapse under its weight. SWB

 

I wonder if the therapist was trying to offer the op grace, but maybe his words and manner didn't convey his thoughts accurately.

 

My parents instilled a rich Protestant work ethic in me and my siblings. We constantly heard that work should be finished before play. But when is work ever finished?! There is always more to do.

 

As adults, my dh and I had a career assessment by a counselor employed by our denomination before my dh entered seminary. Now, I'd heard that these assessments are intense and painful, but there was really only one statement during the entire 2 days that made me tear up and I think it shocked the counselor. He told me that no-one had ever given me permission to play and that he is giving me permission now.

 

Because I reacted so strongly to that statement, he suggested that I see a therapist when I got back home. When dh and I discussed it later, I said, "Geat. See a therapist. Play. Have fun. Just more things to do and I already don't have enough time."

 

I know in my case, the counselor was offering grace, and I did nothing about it because I didn't want any more stuff to fill my time. But that's been 10 years ago, and I still have a habit of taking the weight of the world on my shoulders. My life still isn't fun. When we first started homeschooling, my kids were young and sometimes it was fun. But as they've gotten older and school is more intense and time-consuming, I've sucked all the fun out of it. It's become drudgery for them and for me. I am constantly stressed about whether we're doing enough, whether I'm pushing them hard enough (or too hard), whether we're using the "best" curriculum, whether they will get into the college of their choice, etc. etc. etc.

 

Okay, I don't have any suggestions or solution for me or the op. This thread really hits home for me, though. Of course life, parenting, and homeschooling is stressful. But it shouldn't be day after day of just trying to survive.

[Carol in Cal.]

I am kind of this way, too. Here are my best tricks:

 

1. Establish a deadline that forces me to do something that is fun. I do this by signing up for a field trip. For best results, this should be something that requires a small upfront investment of money, and lands me at least 10 miles away. That way, to justify the outlay AND the trip, I need to plan a whole day or half day at a fun place nearby and also to spend some time preparing for the field trip itself. So, for instance, when we went to see "The Tempest" set in 60's CA, we read about the play, DD learned the basics of the plot, and we talked a lot about mistaken identity and also about the 60's. The presenting theater company had lots of cool materials on their website and we did use some of them. That same day we brought another child, and went out to eat and talked about things and had a playdate.

 

Although this may sound kind of 'non fun', for DD it was fun because she loves live performances and playdates, and because she likes talking informally about books and stories and history. And, bonus! It got her out of math and grammar that day.

 

Another example is that we went to the Lawrence Hall of Sciences, a children's science museum, for a field trip that involved a chemistry experiment. We spent the whole day there and DD had a blast. We did spend some learning time at the earth science and earthquake exhibits outside, but she also built the world's biggest Kapla block structure (for hours! She fit into it with a chair!) with some of her friends, and had the day off from all skills work.

 

The other main thing I do to relax is

2. School year round. This makes it easier for me to take days off during the year and weeks off for vacations from time to time. We just keep going through skills stuff, all year round, but more slowly than projected. Skills stuff is Rod and Staff grammar and writing, Phonetic Zoo, Quartermile Math, Saxon math, and some creative or report writing. We also do skills stuff on most weekends, leaving time during the week for her one day class for fun and her JGB/art coop.

 

Lastly, I:

3. Do the next thing instead of scheduling myself to death. The next thing is the next math, grammar, history, or science lesson. As long as we get through a year of math and grammar, and read most days, and talk about books, and actually get to science and history regularly, I think that this is just fine. If I set up a schedule that called for specific lessons on certain days, I would drive myself crazy. This way I always know that I am progressing. In the back of my head I have a weekly criterion for how much work to do. So I consider us to have had an acceptable week if we finish 4 math and 4 grammar lessons, and spend some time on history, writing, and science. Most weeks we do more than that, but this way I always feel like I have a sort RDA amount going. So, instead of feeling bad about not doing the right lesson on the right day, I take a longer view and feel good about finishing 6 math lessons instead of 4, and 5 grammar ones, for instance.

 

 

OK, REALLY lastly, I:

4. Continue in parallel instead of getting stuck. YMMV, but for DD, spending more time on math facts while stopping math progress would not have worked. I needed something that would keep her working on those and reviewing them (because she tended to learn and then forget them) so we bought Quartermile math, and she still uses it; but we are in Saxon 76 now and I notice that they still think kids should practice math facts (even though they should have known them by 4th grade) so I am in good company!

[Jan P.]

:sad::(If you are, then I really am doing something wrong. I have a very angry teenage girl (beats me why -- hormones?) and another dd that's dyslexic and wayyy behind. I'm wondering today why I'm even homeschooling. I wish I could afford a great governess. I'm so tired of what's going on here. I get tired of the silent treatment. I've changed my teaching style to be one with a soft voice and doing my best to be patient. At least my dog is happy to see me.

 

Jan

[LizzyBee]

I am kind of this way, too. Here are my best tricks:

 

Thanks, Carol. I probably shouldn't have posted today. It's April 9 and I am a(working) CPA. Of course I'm stressed. :willy_nilly:

 

I do need to spend some time rethinking how we do school. My kids get spring break during March and April, so we'll be starting back up soon.

[cricket1178]

Well, I'd have to say that today I didn't have fun. Yesterday was better. Tomorrow, who knows? I have found after 10 years of hsing that "fun" is relative. Relative to the way I'm feeling, kids are feeling, what outside forces are occurring, etc. Somedays are better than others. But, for me, it really isn't about if we our enjoying ourselves. It is about building character, family relationships, and a relationship with Christ. Sometimes "fun" happens, sometimes it doesn't. That is a life lesson better learned now than later imho.

[Colleen]

But if you were one of my close friends, telling me this, I'd say: I think you need to find a therapist who understands grace.

 

...this is what I was trying to convey with my other replies in this thread. Yes, the underlying advice is worth consideration, but the delivery ~ as presented here ~ was less-than-ideal.

[Donna T.]

this guy really rocked my world today. It is a sore spot and he dug into it. So, right now, I am doing it wrong and I don't know (don't have the courage) to do it any other way.

 

Thoughts? :confused:

 

It may have been that he was trying to rock your world. I'm a counselor, and we do that all the time. It's a technique. He was probably trying to do something that would initiate a change in your thinking. If he can produce anxiety, that anxiety can become your strength and it can cause you to think about things in ways that you may not have thought before. Anxiety is a very powerful motivator.

[Carol in Cal.]

It may have been that he was trying to rock your world. I'm a counselor, and we do that all the time. It's a technique. He was probably trying to do something that would initiate a change in your thinking. If he can produce anxiety, that anxiety can become your strength and it can cause you to think about things in ways that you may not have thought before. Anxiety is a very powerful motivator.

 

I would feel very disrespected if someone talked to me like that. I would think that a counsellor would want you to be motivated by something more positive than anxiety, especially if, as it seems to be here, anxiety/stress is a presenting symptom. Wow.

[Doran]

The problem seems to be that I feel inadequate and am fearfully trying to protect my dc from ever having to feel inadequate.

 

Forgive me if this has been stated elsewhere. I have skimmed this very helpful thread, gleaning bits and pieces, because I, too, suffer with feelings of inadequacy much of the time. But, hear this: You cannot protect your children from ever having to feel inadequate. You can arm them with enthusiasm for learning, and the tools to know how to learn. And, you can remind them - over and over again - that they can do anything to which they set their minds. But, you can't protect them from feeling inadequate, for that, my dear, is something we inflict upon ourselves. Trust me. I know this one. Because I do it well.

 

You are on the road to great things. And, so are your children. Your work is to start believing that. :001_smile:

 

 

(((dorothy)))